"Close your eyes," Jay grinned as she entered the apartment, one hand behind her back.
"What?" Sarah demanded.
"Just do as I say," Jay's eyes were twinkling.
Sarah closed her eyes.
"Put out your hands."
Sarah complied. She felt a parcel being placed in them.
"You can open them now," Jay said. She watched with delight as Sarah smiled with anticipation.
"What is it?"
"Open it and find out," Jay's voice was almost smug.
Sarah opened the box, and pulled back the tissue paper. Inside, was a beautiful briefcase, made of the softest Italian leather she had ever touched. She looked up at Jay. "This is beautiful. Why? It's not my birthday or anything."
"I wanted to get you something nice," Jay shrugged shyly. "And you've been using that ratty old canvas bag. I saw this, and knew it was perfect for you."
"But it must have cost you a fortune. You shouldn't waste your money like this."
"I didn't waste money. I spent it on a gift for my beautiful girlfriend," Jay smiled. "Anyway, I'm celebrating," she tried to keep the pride out of her voice.
"You got it?!" Sarah's face lit up. "I thought you weren't going to hear until next week!"
Jay nodded, smiling widely. "You are looking at Officer 2nd Class Kazinsky," she said.
Sarah flung herself into her arms, and hugged her tightly. "My clever girl," she said, over and over again.
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Olivia tried to keep quiet as she left the apartment the next morning, pushing Lily in her stroller to deliver her to Rosie and Melinda's home. She felt incredibly guilty, as though she were sneaking their daughter out of the apartment, even though Alex had – albeit half-heartedly – agreed.
Olivia knew that Alex had not slept well. She had remained almost too still, as though she were forcing herself not to move around to alert Olivia to her wakefulness. Olivia guessed that she had finally fallen to sleep around 5am, as her body at last relaxed, and her breathing seemed more natural.
"You look like hell, Liv," Elliot said as she arrived at the 1-6.
"I didn't sleep too well," Olivia admitted.
"Alex?"
"Same," Olivia said shortly. She didn't have anything more to say on the subject, so Elliot let it drop.
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At 3pm, Olivia received a text from Alex.
Is it okay if I pick Lily up?
Olivia felt awful. She immediately replied.
Of course it's okay sweetie. You don't have to ask my permission.
I just wanted to be sure.
Olivia put her head in her hands. Was this what they had come to? Sending polite texts to each other? She knew Alex was pissed with her for taking Lily to Rosie, but she wasn't doing it because she didn't trust Alex, or, God forbid, because she wanted to punish her. Alex was a wonderful mother. She was selfless, loving, fun, and she loved Lily as if she had given birth to her herself. Olivia was just trying to give Alex a chance to recover. That first day had wiped Alex out completely; when Olivia had gotten home, Alex had been shattered. She still had to recover completely from the physical trauma, and it was clear that the emotional trauma was taking an increasingly heavy toll.
Fin was walking past Olivia's desk, and he saw the defeated slump of her shoulders. "Liv?" he asked quietly.
Olivia looked up.
"Are you okay?"
Olivia nodded. "I'm worried about Alex," she admitted.
"Talk to her," Fin advised, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.
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Olivia made sure to leave work on time, and it wasn't long after 6pm that she got home. She heard Lily and Alex in the kitchen, and she stood at the door for a few seconds, watching the scene in front of her.
Alex was pale, and still far too thin. But she was smiling lovingly at Lily as she ate her dinner.
"Hey," Olivia called quietly, her heart filling at the look of pleasure on Alex's face. The look was fleeting, however, as it seemed that Alex schooled her expression to one of … politeness? … almost immediately. Olivia felt a lump in her throat, and it was only Lily's squawk of delight that distracted her enough so that she didn't show her sadness.
"We're about to have a bath, aren't we Lily?" Alex said, her tone friendly, though still a little reserved.
"You need some help?"
"No," Alex responded almost too fast. She softened her words with a smile. "We're all organized. Your dinner's on the stove."
"What about yours?" Olivia asked.
"I ate with Lily," Alex replied, though there was no evidence of her plate.
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It was an hour later that Alex returned to the living room. Olivia looked up from her book, and smiled at her.
"How was your day?" Alex asked.
"It was good," Olivia couldn't bear this polite exchange. I love you. I'm worried about you. I want to hold you. Tell me how you're feeling. Shout at me. Cry. Whatever. Just be you again. She wanted to say all those things, but she couldn't bring herself to. "How was yours?"
Alex nodded. "Good. I caught up on some reading this morning, then got some groceries. I took a long walk. And I've been with Lily since then."
Olivia took a deep breath. "And how are you feeling, baby?" her voice was tender.
"I'm fine." Alex's reply was short, and Olivia couldn't fail to notice her stiffening at her words.
Olivia nodded. "Good," she said quietly. "Dinner was nice. Thank you."
"You wanna watch some tv?" Alex suggested.
"Okay." Olivia watched as Alex flicked through the channels, finally settling on re-runs of a comedy that they had both seen before, but which never failed to make them both laugh. Olivia kept her eyes on Alex, noticing that she didn't once crack a smile.
As soon as it was reasonable, Alex stood up and stretched. "I'm gonna hit the hay," she said.
Olivia slid in next to Alex, her heart in her mouth. She desperately wanted Alex to turn into her as she always had done in the past, so that she could hold her. Alex was pretending to be asleep again, so Olivia placed her hand on her back again. It was the only contact that Alex was allowing right now, and it broke Olivia's heart.
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Over the next two weeks, the same pattern continued for Olivia and Alex. Occasionally, one of them would make more of an effort with the conversation, and the other would respond with relief. But all too soon, silence would descend once more.
Alex was desperate to be held by Olivia, but she couldn't bring herself to admit it to her lover. She had it fixed in her mind that she needed to give the impression that she was handling everything just fine. She just knew that if she accepted Olivia's always-offered embrace, that she would fall apart in her arms. She was so terrified of crying in front of her. She just knew that if she started crying, she would never stop. And it wasn't fair on Olivia. Olivia had enough to deal with, without having to mollycoddle her pathetic girlfriend. She would be okay. She knew she would. And if she wasn't, and soon, then she would free Olivia to find someone who deserved her. Olivia was so perfect; she was so together, so compassionate, so beautiful. She deserved someone who could bring as much to the relationship as she did.
Olivia lay awake, her mind racing. She wanted to talk to Huang, but he was on vacation for the next two weeks, damn him. She had asked her friend Rebecca what to do, but "give her time" wasn't an answer. She wanted to shake Alex, to yell at her, to tell her that nobody expected her to be fine. It was a process. And she had to go through every stage if she was going to have any chance of healing. But she was refusing to allow herself that luxury. She remained in stasis, her self-control keeping her from seeking the help she so desperately needed – that Olivia so desperately wanted to give to her.
Alex continued to have vivid, frightening nightmares. At least three times a week, Olivia would find her gasping with terror, tears pouring down her cheeks, as her whole body shook. At least on those nights, Alex would allow Olivia to comfort her, at least until she realized what was happening. Whenever she awoke in Olivia's arms, she would carefully extricate herself and creep to the far side of the bed.
Olivia hated herself, but she found herself almost looking forward to Alex's nightmares. At least then, she was able to help her. The feel of Alex in her arms made her want to cry with gratitude, even when her lover was so clearly distressed. The feel of Alex's lips on her plump nipple, suckling in a desperate bid for a feeling of safety, made Olivia's heart swell. But Alex either didn't remember in the mornings, or was pretending she didn't. Every time Olivia thought she had made a breakthrough, the next morning they were back to square one.
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"Teflon!" Caryn's voice boomed down the phone.
"Hey, Caryn," Alex tried to make her voice sound strong. She grabbed her glasses from the nightstand. It was 11.43am. She hoped her voice didn't sound sleepy, she would hate to admit that she was still in bed.
"I haven't seen you for a while. HC swung by here last week, to pick up a warrant, but she was in a hurry. How are you?"
"I'm fine," Alex responded automatically.
Caryn hesitated. She hated making these sorts of calls, she always felt awkward, and that she said the wrong thing. "We miss you around here. Things aren't the same without you."
"I'm sorry. It's just …," Alex hesitated.
"Hey, I wasn't trying to put pressure on you. I know, Alex. I just wanted you to know I miss your beautiful face in the mornings. Is HC taking care of you?"
"She's doing everything for me," Alex tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
"Well, remember, you should take as much time as you need. We have everything covered here. Even got a hot redhead filling in. I'll see you soon, I may drop in one evening on the way home."
"That'd be good," Alex tried to sound welcoming, though it was the last thing she wanted. "Caryn, I have an appointment, I've gotta go. Thanks for calling."
"Be kind to yourself, Teflon," Caryn said quietly as she hung up.
Alex crawled out of bed, and looked at herself in the bedroom mirror. She looked haggard, she knew that. There was no way anyone would ever take her seriously in a courtroom looking like that. She made a decision.
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Olivia arrived home at 5.50pm, and was startled to find the apartment empty. She checked her cellphone, but no missed calls or texts. She was just about to call Alex, when she heard a key in the lock.
Alex came through the door, pushing Lily in her stroller. Alex was formally dressed, causing Olivia to raise an eyebrow.
Lily smiled at Olivia. "Mama!" she cried, trying to escape from her seat.
"Wait there, peanut, I'll just let you out …," she smiled as she lifted her out out and hugged her tightly. "Did you have a good day?"
"Me and Katie played," Lily told her.
"They were drawing pictures just now," Alex said, trying to keep her voice cheerful. "And you drew one for your Mama, didn't you, Lily?" Alex pulled the picture out of her bag, showing it to Olivia.
"That's beautiful, Lily," Olivia told her. "I'm going to put that one in a frame on my desk at work."
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"So where did you go, all dressed up?" Olivia tried to sound casual, as she cleared the dinner plates.
Alex took a deep breath. She looked up at Olivia. "I went to see Liz."
"Donnelly?"
Alex nodded.
"Lex, I think it's a bit early to be thinking about going back to work," Olivia tried to sound as tactful as she could. "You're still …"
"I resigned," Alex interrupted bluntly.
Olivia stared. "You resigned?"
Alex nodded. "I don't want to go back."
Olivia sat in the chair next to her. She reached out and took Alex's hand, ignoring the slight flinch as she did so. "So you don't go back," she smiled. "You can do whatever you want, baby. I'm right behind you."
"I want another baby," Alex said, almost too quietly for Olivia to hear. "I want to try again," she spoke a little louder.
Olivia went white. "Alex," she hated that her voice shook. "Baby, we should talk about this."
Alex stared at her. "There's nothing to say. We both want another child. I'm not working. I want to try again."
"But you're …"
"I'm what?" Alex's tone became icy. "I'm too weak for this, is that what you're trying to say? That I won't be able to do it? Or maybe that I can't handle another child? Poor, pathetic Alex. She's only got one Fallopian tube, she'll never be a mother," she jerked her hand away.
"You are a mother," Olivia whispered, a single tear falling unbidden down her face. "A wonderful mother."
"So wonderful that you have to keep our daughter away from me. What are you thinking? That I'm going to hurt her? Maybe I'm gonna start drinking, like your mother did. Maybe I'll neglect her. Burn her on the stove. Break her wrist by accident," Alex hated herself as she spat those hateful words. She saw Olivia flinch, and finger her own wrist, that her mother had broken in a drunken rant all those years ago.
Alex felt as though she were disconnected from her own body. It was as if she were looking down, watching this ranting, spiteful woman, screaming words of hate at her beloved girlfriend.
"Maybe you want to be the birth mother of all our children. Is that it? Only you are good enough to give birth. A child of mine would inherit my weakness. Be pathetic, like I am. Well damn you, Olivia Benson. I'm going to have a baby, with or without you," she was screaming now.
Olivia was suddenly overtaken with a white-hot anger. "You are in no fit state to go through a pregnancy right now. Look at you, Alex. You're thin as a rail. You can barely eat a meal without puking afterwards. What, do you think I'm deaf? Or stupid? And God alone knows what's going on in your head. You have to recover first, before you can consider conceiving. And have you thought about what would happen, if by some miracle, you did get pregnant? You nearly died last time Alexandra. I sat by your bed as you lay there, delirious. I thought I was going to lose you. Do you have any idea what that feels like?"
As soon as she said the words, Olivia realized what she had said. Of course Alex knew. Alex had sat by her bedside after the stabbing, never leaving her for one second as she struggled for life. Alex had watched her convulsing, convinced she was going to die. But she had never once made Olivia feel bad about it. It was only after talking to Melinda that Olivia had found out what Alex had been through when she was stabbed. And Alex had never blamed her; she never asked her to quit her job; never asked her to go for a promotion that would keep her off the streets. Alex knew what the job meant to Olivia, and she loved her enough to push her own fears to one side, so that Olivia could continue in the job she loved. Yes, Olivia was careful – even more so since she had gotten together with Alex, and had Lily – but there were no guarantees. That was why she never phoned Kathy, but always sent messages via Elliot, or asked him to pass the phone over once he had spoken to her. She remembered the look on Kathy's face when she had made the mistake of going to their house once to pass on a message. Kathy had assumed the worst. All cops' wives, husbands, partners, families, they all knew the fear that one day their loved one would be swallowed up by the job.
But Alex had never once complained. And now, here she was, asking Alex – no, telling her – never to get pregnant again because she was scared of losing her. She couldn't believe how selfish she was being. She looked up. "Alex …" But it was too late. The door to the apartment was open. Alex's coat was gone, and her purse. She had gone.
"Mama?" Lily yelled from her room.
Olivia took a deep breath and went into Lily's room. Their beloved daughter was in floods of tears, hiccuping with misery. She lifted her out of her crib, and held her tight. "I'm so sorry, baby girl," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
"You and Mommy were yelling," Lily sniffled.
"I know, honey. I said some real mean things to your Mommy. But I didn't mean any of them. I'm going to tell her how sorry I am."
"Where's Mommy?" Lily continued to weep.
"She went for a walk," Olivia prayed that that was the truth. "She'll be back soon. I'll tell her I'm sorry. It's all going to be okay, baby."
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Alex walked for hours, her mind racing. She felt sick and shaky, and hated herself. She hated Olivia more, though she couldn't rationalize why. It wasn't the words she had said, Alex knew that she was angry, and scared, and hadn't meant them.
As night fell, she went into a bar she had never been to before. "Vodka," she said to the bartender, though she didn't know why. Since getting together with Olivia, her favored liquor was single malt whisky. She downed the drink in one.
After more drinks than she cared to count – five? six? – Alex was feeling worse than she ever had. She couldn't bear that this was the end of her and Olivia. But she couldn't see any other way. And she was lonely. So lonely. The last few weeks had been unbearable. She had never felt so alone in her life.
Alex picked up her phone, and scrolled through the numbers in in. She dialed, half-hoping it wouldn't be answered. She heard a familiar voice.
"I need to feel," Alex was proud that she wasn't slurring. "I need you to touch me. To make me come. To fuck me until I scream for mercy. Will you do that?"
"Get a cab," Caryn replied. "You know where I live."