Author's Note: Another series of letters.
-Dear Selfish Git.
You're an arse. You should know that Harry put himself on desk duty today. He also gave our boss his six month notification that they find him a non-lethal permanent assignment or he's leaving the Auror Corps. Harry James Potter is threatening to leave the Aurors, over you, you selfish twat. And for what? Because you've knocked up some pureblood skank and he wants to adopt it? Because you won't marry him? What the fuck is wrong with you?
-Ronald Weasley
-Dear Ginger Twit,
I never asked Potter to do any of that. I will never understand why he wasn't given desk duty after almost bleeding out at Gringotts, but that is beside the point. I was always very clear with him that all I wanted from him was sex. No amount of mushy ditherings on his part can make up for his extreme suffusion of rash intrepidity. I will continue to rebuff his advances, as long as his death wish remains intact. I suggest you and Granger get him in to some sort of mental counseling for his problem, if you would like your friend to live. I am sharing this with you, because he does not listen to me. Maybe he will understand, "No," if he hears it from you. Or better yet, Granger. Please share my concern with your wife. Not for me, but for Potter. He has a serious problem.
-Draco Malfoy
-Dear Idiotic Moron,
It's called bravery, you tosser. What Harry has that you will never have, is called Bravery.
-Ronald Weasley
-Dear Ginger Twit,
Yes, exactly. You seem to understand the situation perfectly. If only you could clue Potter in? His constant pestering is annoying.
-Draco Malfoy
-Dear Draco Malfoy,
Please excuse my husband. I am soo, so sorry for his behavior. I am a bit concerned about the discrepancy between what I am seeing of Harry's behavior and what you are seeing. Has he nearly gotten himself killed again and not told us?
-Hermione Granger Weasley
-Dear Granger,
Again? Isn't once enough? To answer your question, no, I am not aware of any additional instances of him trying to get himself killed, other than what is public record. I am referring to the annual accounts of his near death in the papers since the age of eleven, including the most recent one at Gringotts, and the fact that he gleefully reports to a job every morning that would have him dead, if he didn't have all that blind luck. That and he likes it. That is not the sort of mental defect I want passed on to my offspring and it's not the sort of thing I can tolerate in a spouse, due to the anxiety levels it causes in me. I have tried my best to make this clear to Potter, but he doesn't listen to me. I am not stupid enough to think I could change him and his little experiment with a desk seems doomed to fail to me. But, I don't like the thought that his next near death experience could be his last, so I would like to encourage you, as his friend, to seek help for him.
-Sincerely, Draco Malfoy
-Dear Draco, my Love,
I've been working the desk for two weeks now and you will be pleased to know that I have not engaged in any activity that might lead to my death in that time. At Hermione's suggestion, apparently after some prodding from you, I have entered mental counseling for my adrenalin addiction and alleged lack of self-worth. I would like you to know that I do not in fact, have a death wish. I may have a saving people thing and I am getting help for that. And because I know it matters so much to you, I will no longer be risking my life for anyone other than you, see mention of the desk job. I am doing everything you've asked of me. Won't you meet me for dinner on Friday?
-Eternally yours, Harry
-Dear Potter,
I never asked any of that of you. You need to deal with your mental issues for yourself, before you can think about me. I will not be meeting you for dinner Friday.
-Sincerely, Draco
-Dear Draco, my Love,
Saturday then? I long to show you how I've changed.
-Love, Harry
-Dear Potter,
I look forward to reading of your acts of cowardice in the papers, since you say you have changed. Until then, stop asking me for dinner. Please.
-Sincerely, Draco
-Dear Selfish Arsehole,
Harry is miserable without you, despite my urging him to move on. When are you going to let him move back into his own home? I'm sick of him moping around my place. Also, he keeps rambling about how he can get reporters to notice him not endangering his life, because of something you said. You are aware that working a desk doesn't typically make it onto the front page, you stupid fuck?
-Ronald Weasley
-Dear Ginger Twit,
It's only been two months, which means seven more. The healer says it is a healthy baby. I heard the heartbeat yesterday.
-Draco Malfoy
-Dear Draco, my Love,
Ron told me that the baby is healthy! And you heard the heartbeat? That's great news! Why didn't you write me directly? We should get together and plan for the adoption. It would be good if we could talk about it in person.
-Eternally yours, Harry
-Dear Potter,
This is getting really annoying. We are not getting back together. You've barely started your treatment and are in no position to make such a life altering decision. I am having the baby, as a single father, without you. You are not adopting my baby. However, you could give an interview letting your fans know that you are turning over a new leaf, with your new job, and how important it is for those with an impaired self-preservation instinct to seek professional help. It would be inspirational for others with a similar problem to see the Savior of the Wizarding World getting help and all of those children who have been falsely thinking that following in your footsteps is cool, might realize that their own lives matter too. Think of the children.
-Sincerely, Draco
-Dear Draco, my Love,
Sorry for the presumptions. I understand that you need time. I'll just give you some space. Please let me know when you've had enough space.
-Eternally yours, Harry
-Dear Potter,
I will.
Sincerely, Draco
-Dear Draco, my Love,
Please enjoy this article in the Quibbler. I took your suggestion and gave an interview. Please owl me if you'd like to have dinner this Friday.
-Eternally yours, Harry
-Dear Mr. Potter,
Draco is in hospital. You need to end whatever childish avoidance of responsibilities that is going on here. Please meet me at the café inside St. Mungo's for lunch today so we can discuss this issue. The food is lacking, but since I will be too busy caring for Draco and filling in for you, it will have to do.
-Sincerely, Narcissa Malfoy
Author's Note: I'll leave it to you all to imagine what Narcissa says to Harry, but basically she's going to spill the beans, all of them. Now comes the part when Harry knows everything. As I mentioned before, I wrote the basis for this story very quickly, including this chapter and the next. This one was pretty good, but when I looked over the next one, I realized it isn't any good. It's not up to the level of the rest of this story and that isn't okay, especially because of what a major turning point in this story it is. It's not funny, but Draco has been hospitalized, so it's hard to make that funny. And the whole thing reads as anticlimactic and it shouldn't. So I could really use some inspiration from all of you. If I don't figure this out soon, you will be getting a very short partial chapter cliff-hanger style, to give me more time to get it right.
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