The sun was beginning to go down outside. Between stopping to ponder his words and reading every single entry she hadn't made as much progress as she had expected to.
Time to get to the heavy stuff. It's time to find out what he thought about the first kiss, the deleted voicemail. Eli how could you? Our stay here. I can go back and read all the mess in the middle later.
She decided to skip ahead to December just weeks before Peter was let out of prison.
December 9, 2009
Peter may be let out of prison. From what I've heard he probably didn't deserve to be put there in the first place. But that doesn't excuse what he did to you. And I just don't understand why he ever felt a need to cheat on you. I don't understand why anyone would ever cheat on their wife, and especially why anyone would cheat on a wife who's intelligent, beautiful, and who would clearly do anything for her family. Of course I've never been married, but if I had married you I can't imagine ever wanting to have an affair with someone else.
You put up a good front, but the stress and worry over the whole situation is in your eyes. Whenever it comes up you smile and try to make it seem like it doesn't bother you, but I know it does, and it kills me. No matter what happens we still need to talk. I mentioned dinner again today when we were at a client's home. You still seem open to it. We just need to make it happen.
I'm still trying to keep my feelings for you close to the vest, but the fact that you're willing to think about dinner tells me you sense the attraction between us, and aren't completely ignoring it. However if Peter is released everything could change. We need to talk before that ever happens.
December 17, 2009
I didn't know what to say today. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Peter wasn't released. I can't tell if you were sad, or relieved that he didn't make bail. You were sitting outside the courthouse after his hearing when I came out. I almost didn't notice you sitting there. You looked both relieved and disappointed when I sat down next to you. You turned to me and told me he didn't make bail. Watching you fight this emotional battle is really hard for me Alicia. I just want to make it better, but I can't. You'd never allow it. I wanted to reach over and put my arms around you, comfort you and tell you it would be alright, but that would have been inappropriate, probably.
So I just told you I was sorry. I asked if you wanted to get a drink, but of course you had to go home and tell the two people you love the most in this world that their father would once again not be coming home, and that must kill you. That must be the hardest thing, trying to explain to your kids that their father isn't coming home.
You have no idea. She thought to herself as tears start to stream from her eyes once more. I was hurt, deeply hurt by what Peter did. But making our children go through that was a mother's nightmare. An embrace from you may have been inappropriate at the time yes, but I really needed someone to talk to back then. I just needed someone else to help carry the load. I'm stronger for it now. You don't know what you're capable of sometimes until you're forced to be capable.
Maybe that's the sadness I see in your eyes. Maybe for you it's easier if he isn't home, but you know it would be better if he were home for the kids. I always knew you'd be a great mother. I don't even know your kids, but I know you're a great mother. I always wanted to be a father you know. You and I together would have been great parents. Our kids would have been the most competitive on the planet, but we would have been a great team. I should have been blunter back at Georgetown.
Can you imagine my genes and your genes together in one, or two people? Competitive doesn't even begin to describe it Will. But you're right. We would have been a good team. I never would have quit working though. Well maybe for awhile when they were very little, part time perhaps. It wouldn't have mattered, we would have had our own firm anyway, I could have come back to work whenever I wanted.
January 23, 2010
I am an idiot. I only did it because I thought it would be better, easier for you. But when you came into my office and asked why I'd taken you off this current case I could tell I had made a mistake. I love how blunt, and right to the point you are. There is no skirting around the subject with you. That's part of what makes you such a great lawyer. I just thought with Peter at home you would want some time to readjust, some time to spend with him. I was clearly wrong. You're right Peter can take care of himself. You made it perfectly clear that you would rather be here..
But see here is the problem. What was I supposed to read into those big beautiful eyes of yours piercing into me when we had this discussion, and you said, "use me"? Use you at work? That is what anyone on the outside listening in would assume, but did you mean something else? Is there still something there, even though you have your husband back? I saw the way you looked at me, I was standing right in front of you. And you continued to stare at me while leaving my office. We need to talk. I need to know what you are thinking. Are you with Peter, are you thinking of not being with Peter? Sometimes you flirt with me in subtle ways, sometimes in not so subtle ways. Do you mean to flirt, or is this just a game? We have to talk, you make me crazy sometimes.
Looking up from the laptop Alicia let out a deep sigh.
I didn't know what I wanted. I had feelings for you. But I didn't know if it was just physical. I was sharing an apartment with my husband. But at that point he was more like a guest. I was still very hurt by what Peter had done. And I'm not the only one with piercing all telling eyes you know. Sometimes I was intentionallyt flirting back.
February 16, 2010
I'm sorry, well only a little. You did kiss me back. And you did admit to coming back to my office after the kiss and you ran out. Now I don't know what to do. I will regret kissing you if this has ruined things between us. I never meant to make you feel awkward. I didn't mean to add to the complications that are your life these days. But I couldn't resist. The office was nearly empty, and you put your hand on my shoulder to... To what? Why did you do that? I saw your hand there touching me, and I looked up into those eyes, and then it just happened. I had to know what it would be like to kiss you again after so many years. So I touched your face that soft porcelain skin that I've wanted to touch for months. I couldn't help myself. And touching those lips with mine sent a wave through me. A wave I haven't felt in so many years. It was like going back in time, like no time had passed since I last kissed you at Georgetown. And then you kissed me back. I don't know what I thought was going to happen when I made the move and kissed you, but I didn't expect you kiss me back. At that moment all I wanted was to stop time. Just freeze it right there, and let me keep those lips and that body right next to mine.
Just moments later the brief glimpse into what could be was gone. That will be a moment never to forget. If I never have the chance to kiss those warm lips of your again, at least I'll have that one memory.
I am sorry though. I'm not sorry for kissing you, but I'm sorry for causing that look on your face after. It was filled with so much worry. And now I've become your betrayal to your husband. Even though I would love for there to be a "you and I" scenario, I don't want you to end up hating me because I was the means of dong to him what he'd done to you. Not that Peter doesn't deserve it, but I could tell how upset it made you even if only for a minute. I mean you did come back looking for me. Of course I went looking for you so our paths never crossed, but you came back. And then today when I asked you about it you wouldn't even discuss it. I'm not mad at you. I could see how worried and uncomfortable the whole situation made you feel, so why did you come back?
Alicia shook her head and chuckled. Because I really enjoyed kissing you. It had been nearly a year since I had been close with Peter. You know a woman has needs too, and I can honestly say that night was more about filling a physical need for me rather an emotional one. The really scary thing is that if you would have been in your office when I got back…
She got back up off the sofa, and slowly walked to the window again Staring out at the last glimpse of daylight one hand under her chin the other crossed against her chest, she considered how things may have gone if he had been in his office. Being a lawyer she did have to consider all of her options.
I would have done one of two things. I would have either shut it completely down. Or… I would have completely betrayed Peter. And I was so vulnerable at that time I would have betrayed Peter. That kiss sent an unbearable surge of hormones through me that had to be satiated. If I would have gotten to Will before I got to Peter that night things may have been different. No one would have blamed me. Everyone would have said Peter deserved it. No one could believe I'd stayed with Peter to begin with. That would have changed things. It would have been a mess. Why did you come looking for me? To apologize, because you cared, because you wanted more? Even though you would have loved for me to have given myself to you that night, you would have asked me a thousand times if I was sure it was okay before anything happened. And in the end one of us would have shut it down before we got too carried away. It wasn't the right time. It was rarely the right time.
She stood there contemplating what may have been for a few moments. She turned around and her stomach began complaining because she hasn't eaten all day. She ordered room service, and moved the laptop to the table so she could continue.
I didn't mean to turn things into a mess. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should act as if nothing happened.
We both tried to do that unsuccessfully,
Should I avoid you?
You did even though we were on the same case together. And that made it worse. It made me feel guilty.
Should I push it?
It's probably a good thing you didn't.
We need to sit down and figure this out. This constant up and down is driving me crazy. But there is something there. I know there is. There always has been. I think you sense it too, I think you want to sense it.
I did. Time to confess the truth Alicia.
Since the day we set eyes on each other at that pool party there has been something there. And as much as I've tried to push it away the past fifteen years, after leaving your apartment for the last time, I can't. And I don't think you can either. So now What? We can't just pretend it never happened. Even if it was wrong because you're married, we can't deny it happened. All I want right now is to hold you in my arms again. To hold you and run my hands up and down you're perfect figure. I just want to be close to you. It's not just a physical thing. It's so much more, and I don't know what to do.
You always had so much more faith in our relationship than I did. I was stuck. I've been stuck in this place ever since I started working for you.
February 21, 2010
I realized today that I had been avoiding you. I didn't mean too, and I know it made you uncomfortable. I just wish you felt like you could confide in me. If not me, in someone. I mentioned we still hadn't had dinner. You know to break the ice. You seem so worried, and tired these days. It's unavoidable, but I wish I could make it easier for you. I asked if you were worried about Peter. Meaning, are you worried about having dinner with me now that Peter is around? But I think you thought I meant are you worried about his trial. I meant that too, but I wanted to know if you were still open to the idea of dinner.
You said you were worried about everything. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders Alicia, Work, the kids, Peter's trial. I know you have too, and I'm sorry. I just wish I could do more.
You're probably worried about your job too. I will do everything I can to keep you at the firm, but I still can't guarantee it. I've been able to buy some time, but it's been over six months, and I keep putting Diane off. One of these days she will put her foot down. You know what though it's just like I told you today. I'm not worried about anything. I probably should be, but I'm not. Somehow I think it will all work out.
Well you were the only one not worried.
February 23, 2010
I just got off the phone with you. I tried to lay more of my feelings out on the table. I'm not going to hide it anymore. Maybe because it's late and I'm tired but I'm done pretending. I do watch you at the office, and I told you so. I do want to know what you are thinking. I want to know what you think about us. I want to know what you think about everything. You think we would have only lasted a week if it had been you and me instead of you and Peter. But you're wrong. You're just telling yourself that because it's easier, and less complicated. You told me it would have just been life if it had been us. Yes that's the point. But I would have made you happy. It would have been romantic too. You say it's only romantic because it didn't happen. That's not true. You and I would have never let the romance die. We won't let it die if it ever happens. I can't imagine not wanting to always make you feel loved, and happy. Life isn't a bed of roses, but our life would have been, could still be, so fulfilling. I know I don't have the right to ask, but I just want a chance. Just give me a chance to make you happy. Give me a chance to make it our life.
You were right. Life with you would have been really good, well if we could have gotten past your typical marital spats without doing to much damage it would have been good. And yes, I will admit now that it would have been very romantic. But you and I were always meant to be together. That's what would have made it romantic, well that and your unbearable charm!
March 14, 2010
Dinner, I can't do this anymore Alicia. You called me. You were the one that wanted dinner. So I made the reservation, went to the restaurant, and waited. I would have waited all night, but then you called. You really do live in crisis mode all the time. Quite frankly I don't know how you do it day in and day out. But I can't. Not right now anyway. We constantly have bad timing. I know that has always been our thing, bad timing. But it really is. And I don't know if we will ever have good timing. So I'm getting away for a few days. I'm going to go try my luck at being a judge for a mock trial. Yes, I'm avoiding the situation. I don't know what else to do. I understand what happened, I don't blame you, but I'm frustrated, and a little hurt. So I'm avoiding it. I need some time to think about all of this.
I should have waited to call you after I left the apartment. I should have made up some story about meeting Kalinda, but it's not in my nature to lie. And I certainly wasn't going to lie to Peter. I was angry at him, so angry. I had had it. All the skirting around the actual subject with Peter. All of the questionable legal issues. If Zach hadn't been hurt I would have left again as soon as I could have. That night I was ready to have a talk about us. Inevitable bad timing.
March 26, 2010
I can breathe again. I think I've been holding my breath for a week. But you did it. You convinced Diane that we should keep you and let Cary go. It all came down to money. It shouldn't have, but it did. I do feel bad about Cary, we both do. But seeing the relief on your face when we told you that you could stay, was priceless. I'll tell you it's just like breathing. Having you around makes it easier for me to breathe. It makes the rest of the downsizing a little easier to swallow. Today was a good day, a new start, a new opportunity. It's given me a renewed determination. You're never getting away now. I'll never let you go. I can't. Now we can put you on a partner track, and that will make things easier in the long run. It will make things less complicated if we ever do get serious.
Famous last words. Making partner was a blessing and a curse. It only made things more complicated. Little did we know that the day I made partner would be the beginning of the end instead of the beginning of something that in the long run, we'd both hoped for.