"Nick, hold the baby!" Maya shrieked, thrusting a squirming baby into Phoenix's outstretched arms. It wriggled, kicking him in the face, and screamed in his ear. "And this one!" Maya tucked a second baby under his arm. The baby fell out of his grip and toppled onto the floor, where it lay on its back, bawling loudly.

Phoenix picked it up and tried to comfort it, only to find another baby lying on the floor. This one was in the middle of having its diaper changed, and it stank.

"Urgh! Maya, this baby needs cleaning up!" He looked around, but Maya had disappeared; in her place was a fourth baby. This one was eating some kind of yellow mush and had food all round its mouth. It giggled and flicked some into Phoenix's hair.

"Hey! Watch my hair!" he cried. Something tugged hard on one of his spikes; he looked over his shoulder to see another little monster clinging onto his back, laughing a wide, toothless grin.

"Nooooooooo!" Phoenix yelled. He woke up sweating all over.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Maya was screaming from the bed. He got up and rushed over to her.

"Maya! Are you OK? Are you getting contractions?" he asked quickly.

"Um… no…." she said, looking puzzled, "I was just screaming cos you were! Is the house burning down or something?"

Phoenix felt relieved; thank goodness the babies weren't coming just yet. Judging by his nightmare, he wasn't quite ready for that. "Don't worry, there's no emergency," he reassured her, "I just had… a bad dream."

"Oh. Right." Maya groaned quietly as she heaved herself up into a sitting position. "Hey, Nick! It's Christmas today, right?"

"Oh yeah! I almost totally forgot!" Phoenix had nearly lost track of time staying here in this dull village with his annoying parents.

Maya grinned. "Yay! I love Christmas! What did you get me, Nick?"

Phoenix made a fake face of horror. "Oh no! I forgot to get you a present!"

She frowned at him. "Nick, you are such a spoil-sport! Just give me the present already, okay?"

"Fine, fine…" He reached under the sofa bed he'd been sleeping on and brought out a small gift-wrapped box, about the size of a box that might have a piece of jewellery in it. He handed it over to her. "Merry Christmas, Maya!"

"Thanks, Nick!" She took the little package in her hands and shook it. "Hmm… what could it be? …Zvarri! A ring?"

Phoenix burst into laughter. "Ha! In my mother's dreams!"

Maya laughed along, trying not to sound disappointed. For a second there she'd thought that maybe Phoenix had been about to get down on one knee… but of course, that would be ridiculous. She was silly to think of something like that anyway.

"Well? Aren't you going to open it?" he prompted. Maya grinned as she tore off the wrapper and opened up the little jewellery box inside.

"Wow, thanks! It's gorgeous!" Inside the box was a little silver locket, engraved with a swirly pattern surrounding a purple stone the exact colour of her medium outfit. Maya took out the locket carefully and clicked it open. "But it's empty, Nick!"

"Yeah, I thought you could put a picture of the twins in it, one in each side… once they've been born, of course."

"Hey, that's a great idea! Then I can carry them with me wherever I go…" Maya thought for a second, and then a sad look passed across her face, "Just like my mother did after she left us."

Phoenix reached out a hand to comfort her but was interrupted by the door bursting open.

"Good morning, you two! Merry Christmas to you both!" said Robyn happily, "Come into the living room when you're ready and we can all exchange gifts!"

Robyn was delighted with the antique teapot Phoenix and Maya gave her, and Phil seemed to like his new shirt and handkerchiefs.

"Well, here's my gift to you two!" she said, handing Phoenix an envelope, "I'm sorry it's nothing special, we just didn't know what to get!"

He opened the envelope and took out a wad of cash.

"Whoa!" said Maya, her eyes wide, "Thanks, Robyn! Nick, think of all the burgers we could buy with that!"

"It's for the little bastards, not for satisfying your own gluttony," said Phil stiffly.

Maya's eyes narrowed. "Well, bah humbug to you!" she said angrily.

"Dad! Maya!" said Phoenix, "Please… can we just be nice? It's Christmas, after all…"

There was a long pause, before Maya finally spoke. "Um… sorry, Mr Wright." She still looked angry, even if she'd accepted defeat.

"Hmph. Good. I just hope you won't be wasting the generous amount of money which we've taken from our own savings to give to you," Phil replied coldly.

Luckily the tension was broken by the doorbell ringing.

"Ah, that must be our guests!" said Robyn, "Phoenix, did I tell you that we invited Judy over for Christmas dinner?"

"Yes, about a million times," said Phoenix, "And I know, her daughter's coming too if she can get a break from her busy schedule…"

Robyn rushed off to get the door and returned a minute later with two women.

"Phoenix, dear, this is my friend Judy! Remember her? She used to bake pumpkin pies for you when you were little!"

"Oh, um, hi Judy…" Phoenix said, feeling embarrassed as the plump middle-aged woman hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"Oh, look at you, all grown up! I've already been commissioned to make your wedding cake, darling!" said Judy, "It's going to be so lovely! I've already started on the moulds for the figurines!"

"Well, um, don't rush yourself! We're in no hurry!" he said.

Phil was guiding another woman into the living room; she was young and very pretty. "Phoenix, this is Judy's daughter, Lily."

"Hi, Lily…" Phoenix shook her hand, puzzled as to why his father was taking the time to introduce them. Lily was slim with long, wavy blonde hair, clear blue eyes and pink lips.

"You and Lily used to sit in the garden in only your diapers and make mud pies, remember?" said Robyn.

"Um… nope…"

Lily giggled. "How embarrassing!" she said, smiling radiantly at Phoenix. He blushed a little in return.

"Lily, you recently broke up with your boyfriend… isn't that right?" said Phil, extremely polite compared to his usual gruff attitude.

Lily giggled. "Well, yes… although we weren't that serious anyway… but I'm single at the moment!"

"Ah, yes. Well, I'm sure it would be lovely for you to find a nice strapping young man… someone who would be a perfect match for you, that is…." Phil said, his eyes flicking towards Phoenix.

"Hehe, it would be lovely if I could finally find somebody and settle down!" Lily was looking straight at Phoenix too.

Maya tried to get up quickly – which was kind of difficult in her condition – and grabbed Phoenix's arm. "Nick, why don't we go and help your Mum with the turkey?"

"What are you talking about? My Mum's right here!" he gestured towards Robyn, who was stood directly opposite them.

"Well… maybe we should go to the kitchen and get a head start, then!" She dragged him off out of the room and slammed the kitchen door behind them.

"Maya!" Phoenix said, "What was that all about? We were just in the middle of chatting to Judy and Lily!"

She rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Nick, are you blind or something? Your Dad is trying to set you up with Lily!"

Phoenix sighed. "Don't be so paranoid! Why would he do that, anyway? He wants us to get married so that the children have married parents! He wouldn't go trying to get me to find somebody else!"

"I wouldn't be so sure," said Maya, "He really doesn't like me. He probably couldn't care less about the twins – he just wants to get rid of me and set you up with someone who he thinks is more 'suitable' for you!"

"That's ridiculous! Of course my dad cares about the twins – they're his own grandchildren!"

"Well, how come he always calls them 'the little bastards' then, huh?"

Phoenix was stumped by that one. "Well…uh… maybe he means it in an affectionate way?"

They were interrupted by Robyn entering the room. "What are you two whispering about?"

"N-nothing…" said Phoenix, "Listen, Mum… do you think Dad actually wants me to marry Maya?"

Robyn hesitated for a moment. "W-well… of course he does, dear! I mean, he thinks she's a little unusual, not really what he would have expected for a daughter-in-law, but…" she trailed off, unsure what to say.

"Huh." Phoenix considered this for a moment. Maybe Maya was right…

About an hour later, the six of them were sat down at the dining room table, tucking into the delicious Christmas dinner that Robyn and Phil had prepared.

They were on to puddings now; Maya had decided to eat some of everything. Her excuse was that she was eating for three.

"Mr Wright, can you cut me another slice of chocolate cake?" she asked, her mouth half-full of Christmas pudding.

He sighed loudly and gave her a third slice. "Remind me never to let you enter my bakery. You'd probably eat everything." Everybody laughed as if Phil had told a great joke, not realising that he was deadly serious.

Maya wolfed down the cake and excused herself to go to the toilet; she had a very weak bladder these days, thanks to the babies squishing everything up. As soon as she was gone, Phil looked a lot happier.

"Now, Phoenix, you and Lily really ought to exchange email addresses and phone numbers," he said, "It would be nice for you to stay in touch… after all, you're both the same age, and both looking for somebody…"

"What do you mean, 'looking for somebody'?" Phoenix asked, "I'm going out with Maya, and we're expecting twins any day now!"

Phil smirked. "Yes, well... she's really not that mature, is she? I was under the impression that your relationship wouldn't last long."

Phoenix stood up angrily. "You can't go saying things like that! I thought you actually cared about old-fashioned values… but you want me to ditch my unborn children already?"

"Sit down, boy!" said Phil, "Honestly, why are you getting so angry over some stupid hippie-girl and her bastard offspring?"

At that moment, Maya returned from the toilet. "Hey! I am NOT a hippie!" She rolled up one sleeve, ready to punch Phil. "And I'll hit you if you talk about my twins like that again!"

"Maya, no! You're in no condition to be throwing punches!" said Phoenix, putting a hand on her arm. "Let me deal with this!"

It was too late. Maya had scrambled up onto the table and walked over to Phil. "Take that, you horrible old fart!" She kicked him hard in the face.

"Argh! You crazy bitch!" Phil leapt up, his nose streaming with blood. "Phoenix, get this freak out of here!"

Phoenix rushed over to Maya and helped her off of the table. Judy, Robyn and Lily were sat in silence, looking bewildered. "Thanks for the dinner, Mum," said Phoenix, "We'll be in our room."