His Voice Of Reason
Author; Nightstar Fury of Nightstar Productions
Rated; M for Mature
Disclaimer; I do not own HTTYD, or any of the songs used in this story! :)
14; A Choice.
{Astrid's POV}
After about 25 minutes standing outside and crying, I finally took a breath and walked back in. I went to the bathroom first to splash water on my face and calm down. My parents had said they'd come get me if I wanted but I said I wanted to stay for a while longer, I lied and said we were doing homework together. I know I shouldn't lie, especially after all this but it was personal and I didn't want to go around stating Hiccup tried to kill himself and how I ended up there. I'd had enough telling the story for one day, right now I just wanted Hiccup to be alright. I returned to his room as Stoick was talking on the phone with his officers, apparently the house had been cleaned up and no remnants of what happened.
Heather was still sitting by Hiccup's side. "H-How is he?" I asked.
"Doctor said he was stable, and wants to keep him overnight. Wants Hiccup to have one on one sessions with him to talk about what happened, also come to a support group for depressed teens, and gave dad a mild tranquilizer that will make Hiccup sleepy and help relax him until Hiccup evens out on his own..." Heather explained trying not to cry.
"It will be okay. I was with him every day just like you...Not even...I saw how upset her really was." This was a bold faced like and it hurt me to say it too. I would tell Hiccup eventually but not right off the bat, he needed time to recover first. Doing it too soon would only relapse him.
"I just...I'm his twin sister. I knew something was wrong, Astrid...And I should of...made him talk to me...He could of died tonight...I could of lost him him...and...I don't...know what I'd do if I lost him." Heather cried. I rubbed her back slowly. We heart slight groaning and Hiccup's lifted her head quickly as we saw Hiccup's eyes moving with the lids still closed, then his head moving side to side slowly and trying to open his eyes. "Dad!" Heather called to Stoick who quickly said goodbye to whoever he was talking too and rushed over.
{Hiccup's POV}
At first all I heard was beeping, a steady one. Then I heard voices, I could distinguish it was Heather and...Astrid? What was...going on? I tried to open my eyes, my head was pounding. The room was so bright, I tried to move my arms but they were sore. I heard Heather talking to Astrid, she was telling her something about the doctor and overnight, support group and mild tranquilizer until my mood evened? What? I shook my head when I heard Heather call for our father. At that, my eyes began to open slowly while I groaned. Everything was fuzzy at first, I blinked to focus. The first faces I saw belonged to Heather, dad, and Astrid. As I looked around more I saw I was in the hospital now. That explained the bright lights and beeping.
I saw their worried faces staring at me, my eyes trailed to Heather holding my hand and my wrists bound with gauze and wrappings. That's when I remembered what happened, I'd tried to kill myself at my house. I'd...cut myself deep on both wrists then tried to overdose on dad's prescription migraine pills. Then everything went black. What happened? I wasn't dead, I could feel my heart beating. Who found me? My head was killing me.
"Hiccup?..." Heather asks. I turned my head towards her seeing how sad she looked, I only assumed they were all there because I tried to kill myself. Which meant my depression was out in the open now and I'd be watched like a hawk. I closed my eyes.
"If you're going to yell at me then do it..." I mumbled, of course this was directed at Stoick.
"I'm not...going to yell at you son. I'm...glad you're awake..." Stoick said, I glanced at him now. Oh great a suicide attempt got him to care suddenly. Wonderful.
"How...do you feel?" Heather asked me.
"I can't...feel much right now. And I'm tired..." I reply.
"Its the sedative wearing off...Doctor said that might happen..." Heather said softly, tears forming in her eyes. This is what I'd been afraid of, Heather seeing me like this. Depressed and hurting myself, and now she was in the hospital after I'd tried to kill myself. Did she come in the room and stop me? Or did dad come home early? Why in the name of Thor was Astrid there? My eyes fell on her now.
"I don't...remember you being at the house before all this...Why...are you here?" I asked her, she tensed.
"Astrid is the one who found you in your room...She...saved your life." Heather said first. My eyes widened a bit.
"She's the one who..." Stoick was cut off by the doctor coming in with a soft smile.
"Well, its good to see you awake. You've been asleep for close to an hour and 30 minutes there son. Any pain?" The doctor asked me. I shook my head. "That's good. How much do you remember from the last few hours or so?"
"Everything up until my bedroom." I reply.
"Can you tell me your name?" The doctor asked. Great these questions now.
"Hiccup Haddock the Third. February 29, 1999. 17 years old. Senior at Berk High School. Mother; Valka Haddock. Father; Chief Stoick Haddock. Twin sister; Heather Haddock. That about answer them all?" I retort coldly. The doctor blinked a bit and nodded.
"Well they are just standard lad. Have to make sure you know who you are. You lost quite a bit of blood. Took 3 bags to get you levels stable again." The doctor said. "You seem...irritated right now." He mentioned.
"I feel like I'm being held down by six, 200 pound weights. I have a splitting headache, and I'm in a room with someone I really rather not be." His eyes glanced towards his father.
"Hiccup, this is standard to as-..."
"Yes I know why I'm here. Because I tried to slit my wrists and overdose..." Hiccup rolled his eyes.
{Astrid's POV}
When Hiccup woke up, we were relieved and scared as to his reaction about being in a hospital bed or if he'd remember why he was there in the first place. I was nervous when he noticed me and asked why I was there. Heather cut in saying I was the one who saved him. Then Stoick started to say I called him to let him know about the attempt but thankfully the doctor came in and that was put to rest quick. I didn't need that being an issue right now. I listened quietly as Hiccup answered all the doctors questions before the doctor even asked. Yeah he was still mad, I saw the glance he made at Stoick.
"Just tell me when I can go home. And resume...what I guess is normal life..." Hiccup remarked. I hated how he was talking.
"Well that's going to be an issue lad...Because of your attempt to take your own life for reasons we don't understand right now...We have to keep you here for at least an overnight watch to ensure you won't do it again. And if you cannot refrain from harming yourself...Then we have to admit you to the psychiatric hospital until we feel you're no longer a danger to yourself." The doctor said.
"Great. So its Hiccup versus the world again. What a not so shocker to to me." I saw Hiccup turned his head and close his eyes. It was hard to see him like this, he was still mad and hated it all. He hated he was still alive and his attempt to kill himself hadn't worked. Did that mean he wanted to try again first chance he got?
"Its not meant to me against you son...We just don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." Stoick offered, Hiccup's glare darkened right away.
"Hiccup please...Let the doctors help you. You...promised me that if something was wrong you'd...talk to me and you didn't." Heather held his hand tightly. I was also silently pleading for Hiccup to agree. It hurt to hear how angry he was. The doctor faced us now with a smile.
"Can I ask the three of you step out for a bit. I'd like to speak to Hiccup alone." We all headed out leaving them alone in the room. I knew this was the part where Hiccup would be telling the doctor about what caused the attempt but I worried if he'd lie or not. It seemed like hours we were all out there just pacing and wondering the Hiccup was telling the doctor from the suicide attempt. After almost 30 minutes, the doctor emerged with a deep breath.
{Hiccup's {POV}
I had two choices when the doctor asked my father, Heather, and Astrid to leave. I could lie and say I just snapped or I could tell the truth about everything. My father was proud of his position as chief, he worked hard for it. But if I lied and the doctor caught to it, I'd be institutionalized for sure and I didn't want that. I know what I'd done, I tried to end my life because of what happened at school all day today, then seeing dad's text just sent me over the edge. I didn't remember what happened after I tried to open that pill bottle, Heather said it was Astrid who rushed in and stopped me. Why would Astrid of been there? How had she known something was wrong?
At the moment, it didn't matter. "Hiccup. We we want to help you not feel this way again. Its just us now, why don't you tell me what led to you trying to take your life." I wouldn't tell them about the hotline. I didn't want Angel in trouble. Even if I never met her, she was too kind and I wouldn't involve her.
I sighed closing my eyes. "I was just sick of my life...I didn't want to live anymore." I replied slowly.
"And what made your life so bad. School, bullies? Anything at home?" The doctor asked.
"A lot of things...My depression started when my mom died 3 years ago...I was okay for a little while, but the mourning got worse and I didn't know what to do. My dad was always busy with work trying to track down her killer...Get some justice for her. My sister and I didn't see him except for early morning, or late night, sometimes no night at all because he'd be out until midnight or later." I started to explain.
"Did you ever tell him you were feeling depressed? Or did you try talking to a school counselor?" The doctor asked. I shook my head.
"I thought I could handle it. I've been bullied at school since the 7th grade, by the same people too. But...I knew dad was busy so I...kept it to myself. But one night...It just became to much, I-I blamed myself for mom dying because...I was the one who asked her to go get ice cream for my sister and me. And she never came home...I was upset, if I'd done what she said and just waited until the next day...She might still be here. I...started cutting. At first it was just...on the one wrist, then the bullying got worse and it turned into both wrists...finally I used to do 3 on each side and that's how it was up until earlier when I did 6 on each arm. Before I used to bleed a bit to relax then I'd wrap it myself. My workshop teacher...And I don't want him getting in trouble either...So what I tell you is confidential. My workshop teacher learned I was cutting and he told me he wouldn't blow my secret as long as I never tried to kill myself...I kept my cuts light and only 3 to each arm..." I sighed.
"As a teacher his legal job was to report it..."
"I don't care...I asked him not too tell. My depression was managed with light cuts, I know how bad that sounds but if I wanted too...I could ended my life 3 years ago...Anyway...So that's how I dealt with it for all that time but this year seemed to be worse. Everyone took shots at me and I couldn't get away from it no matter what I did. And earlier...I just had enough of it. I tried cutting but it just wasn't enough to erase the pain...So I cut deeper than before...and tried to OD..." I admit calmly.
"I've had a lot of patients with similar stories. They told me most of them tried calling the suicide prevention hotlines and those helped. The Not Alone Crisis line is actually centered right here in Berk. I've met a few of their workers, men and women too. Such nice people. They work with the police to stop people who want to kill themselves if a caller said they were going to hurt themselves. Extraordinary actually." The doctor states, I look at him a little now. The NAC line was centered in Berk...? That meant Angel was always close by. And the office had men and women, that meant those jerks at school were wrong. "Now this workshop teacher...Are you close with him?"
"He and my dad go way back to middle school years, their middle school years. He's...always been like an uncle to me. I always took workshop when it was offered, but this year I got stuck in dramatic arts. Though while we were working on the set for the play in 5 weeks...I was in there working on set pieces so I got to see him often. Just last week...I sort of had a break down on him, he would hold me and tell me it would be okay soon. He took me home that night..." I reply.
"Now you mentioned earlier that there was someone in this room you didn't want to be here. Was that...your father by chance?" I looked away and nodded. "His neglect of not being around affected your depression I assume?" I nodded again slowly. "I have to ask, he never hurt you or your sister? He never drank and took his grief of losing his wife out on you two?"
"He never hit us. My...father plays favorites between my sister and I...She's a daddy's girl and I was...a mama's boy. When mom died...Dad put all the house work mom used to do on me. And...he's...blamed me for her death since...I'm the one who bothered her to go for ice cream..." I didn't want to cry again. "The only hurting of me he ever did was...never loving me. What...set me over the edge was a text from him when I got home from school saying a bunch of hurtful things..."
"I see. I know he's chief of police but if his words or the words of those bullies at school pushed you to try and commit suicide...Its considered, assisted suicide and a very steep offense. You can press..." I stared at him shaking my head.
"No. I won't press charges on my dad, or the guys from school...Its not...their fault I'm a useless, worthless, disappointment." I sigh.
"You are not those things, Hiccup. I'm going to keep you overnight and in the morning, we'll see how you feel. Though I cannot recommend your recovery be at your father's house. I am getting the feeling he might be a trigger to your depression and until we work past that, I don't feel it would be good for you mental state to stay there. Is there...someone else you can stay with for a while? Or if you like, I can admit you to the psychiatric hospital. In there you'll receive care, and therapy. A place of no judgment and see if that helps at all." The doctor offered.
So even the doctor didn't think I was safe at my dad's house. "I thought you said you'll only admit me if I wanted to harm myself again..." I mumble.
"Do you want to harm yourself again, Hiccup? I can tell you that your father and sister, and...I want to say girlfriend were all very upset when you were rushed in here." I blink, girlfriend? Did he mean Astrid?! Oh Gods no, why would he think that? And why the hell had she been at the house in the first place, how did she stop me from killing myself? How could...she of known something was wrong.
"The blond with blue eyes wasn't my girlfriend. Just...a friend of my sister's who...happened to be at the house when I did what I did. I don't have a girlfriend. She was...just over because she and I play the lead parts of the play at school." I lie. I didn't know the real reason, maybe I'd ask her.
"Ah, my apologies then. As for admitting you, it can be done two ways. I can admit you under the pretenses I feel you are a danger to yourself. Or...you can admit yourself with the knowledge you know you have depression, and want help with it. If you admit yourself, you can let yourself out when you feel stable. If I admit you, you stay until I release you." The doctor explained.
"I'll...let you know tomorrow..." I say. Maybe I could go, I knew I had depression and now that Heather knew she would be terrified of me trying again. I know she'd want me to get help so I'd be okay but I didn't know if any meds, or mental hospital could fix the damage in me. "They were...really upset about what happened?" I asked slow.
"Yes. You sister had to be taken for an evaluation because she looked petrified when she came in. Your sisters friend and dad talked outside for a while. Then after they were all brought here, the friend went outside and cried for a good 20 minutes before returning. She seemed very upset you tried to end your life. Well you best be resting up now, I'm sure you're still tired." The doctor smiled. I nodded, I was tired. He left as I closed my eyes and soon drifted back to sleep.
(Outside The Room)
{Astrid's POV}
I stared at the clock, the doctor and Hiccup had been talking for close to 30 minutes before we saw the doctor come out holding his clipboard. Stoick and Heather were up first, concerned for Hiccup. I just stayed beside listening. "Doctor, how is he? How is my son?" Stoick asked. The doctor eyed the father a bit before sighing.
"He and I spoke about the causes pertaining to his depression. It seems...this has been going on for a few years now, since the passing of the mother. He's decided not to fight or argue about my choice for him to stay overnight. He is stable and resting again. I suspect he will probably sleep the rest of the night. We can take the next steps tomorrow morning." The doctor stated. I saw that look the doctor gave Stoick, Hiccup actually told him the truth and that Stoick was a cause in the depression. This was all my fault. I shouldn't of kept my mouth shut these past few months. For now the doctor was essentially telling them that there was nothing more for them at the hospital right now and to go home.
I didn't know if I'd come back tomorrow, I wanted to make sure he was okay but first I needed to tell Stoick not to tell Hiccup about me calling in the suicide attempt. I didn't want that out yet, I wanted to tell Hiccup but not right now. We all nodded, thanking the doctor before exiting the emergency room hospital exit. Stoick led us back to his squad car, we got in and headed back to the Haddock household. I was quiet the whole time, of course. Reaching Stoick's house, Heather went to sit on the couch as I stood outside with Stoick. "Is she going to be okay?" I asked worried for Heather.
"Yes, we're going to to stay in the living room tonight, she's a little afraid to be so close to Hiccup's room after...all that. Thank you, Astrid for what you did tonight." Stoick tells me.
"I didn't...do anything. You're the one who held him..." I admit.
"But you drove past the speed limit I assume from your job, to my house to stop Hiccup and you are the one who fought to get the pills away from him. You saved his life tonight, and I am eternally grateful. Not just for you saving him, and talking to him these past few months but also for making me realize my mistake. I've neglected my own son or selfish desires, and I played favorites. Almost losing Hiccup tonight...I'm a changed man and I'll be there for him always. Would you like to come with us tomorrow to visit him?" Stoick asks.
"Ma-Maybe...I have some things to do and...its a school day. Just...tell him I'm glad he's okay. And...if I can ask...Will you...not tell him about me calling you to alert you of the suicide attempt. I feel...him knowing that right now might just...make him worse. I'll tell him soon...but I want to be the one to do it." I ask sheepishly.
"I won't tell him. And can you...not say anything at school about what happened. If anyone asked, just say he got into an accident. I'm not ready for the truth to come out yet either..." Stoick says, I nod and get into my car still parked on the side of the road from earlier. I began to head home. It had been a long day and I was exhausted. I was glad Hiccup was alive and right now okay but this was only the beginning of a long recovery.