I didn't even bother using hot water, "Get a grip!" The sides of the shower stall were rather icy after the first five minutes. I'd thought a lot about her since that last night but more in the those were great memories way, definitely not in the I'd be working with her again way. Especially on a job like this. The higher the stakes on a job the more your brain goes into last night on earth mode whether you want it to or not. Usually I'm just with Sam so sex isn't on my mind, but being with her was going to bring all that up. When my teeth started chattering I figured it was time to get out. I'd set the pouch on the sink, I could just sneak it back into her bags. I wouldn't be able to use it anymore now that I knew what it was doing to her. Getting rid of the Mark didn't get rid of the nightmares. They weren't as bad but they were still there. I'd just finished getting my pants on when there was a knock at the door. I made sure to get my shirt on before I opened it, no reason to set up another awkward staring moment. I checked the peephole and saw her hair was down, I always did love it that way.

I took a deep breath, focused on undead Indians trying to scalp me and opened the door, "Hey."

"Hi." She walked into the room with a small smile on her face, "Oh and if that pouch ends up back in my bags I'll just stick it right back into yours. Use it when you need to, I can block most of your worst nightmares out now. It kind of helped me work harder on learning some skills I needed to anyway."

Crap. "Cougar said it was so bad you couldn't eat, were scared to sleep. You think I'll still use it after finding that out?"

"I think that if I wanted you to stop using it I would have called you." Her jaw tightened and she looked at the map on the wall, "You weren't being selfish or a coward. He should have kept his nose out of it."

"You've been friends forever, I'd of done the same thing if I was in his shoes. Take it. Please."

"No." I could have sworn there were tears in her eyes but she turned completely away from me.

"Look, I already hurt you when I left. I know that. I don't want to keep doing it."

"Then keep the damn pouch!"

I'll admit to being pretty hard headed over the years, disregarding a lot of things people were trying to tell me because I thought I knew better. Sam and I stayed up late for a whole week up at Oliver's place going over that. It wasn't that I didn't know that what I was doing would end up backfiring at some point, hurt them or piss them off. It was usually because I was trying too hard to keep people alive so was in some version of panic or another. How she sounded right then, how she was avoiding looking at me; I got the inkling that me keeping the pouch wasn't just about her accepting a burden or her worrying about me being alone. I also knew that now was not the time to push her about it, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't try one more time.

"Fine, I'll keep it on one condition."

"What?"

"That after we kill this bitch you do something to it so it doesn't link back to you."

"No. If I do that it won't work as well."

I figured as much. Once Cougar had told me what was going on I knew she had to be giving me her strength to make it through. "Okay, then tell me why you want me to keep it."

She froze, "Drop it."

Did I mention she's a stubborn as I am?

"I'm in no mood to have this conversation," she continued in a voice that made the shower I'd just taken seem hot, "If you want to use it fine, if not, fine. My reasons are my own. Neither you or Cougar have any goddamn right to know them. Are we clear?"

"Sure." I knew right then and there she hadn't told me to stop because that pouch kept her connected to me. That she'd suffered through all that hell because it was the only way to keep me somehow in her life. I didn't deserve her and after this job I was going to make sure I could never harm her again. I'd live with nightmares before that pouch, I could do it again. "Did Jim tell you anything useful?"Her shoulders relaxed, the job we could talk about, it was safe.

"Yes. He said she's been staying somewhere out in the woods near the center of where she was placing the bodies. He also stated that from what he knows she has a pretty decent amount of followers here."

"Great."

The door opened, Sam and Roy stepped in. "Hey," Sam said with a quick inquiring look at me, I shook my head just enough so he'd know to not talk about it later. He looked away and set down a bag, "Grabbed some breakfast stuff, snacks for a hike and water bottles. I figured we'd be getting an early start and heading into those woods so decided to save us some time."

"The years haven't slowed you down I see," she said, "I was just telling Dean that Jim said Leaping Deer is hanging out in the center of the slew of bodies she's left behind."

"Of course," Sam said with a sigh, "That's what, four miles off the trail and three miles in?"

"Around that. Hope you guys are up to it."

Roy looked at the map with a frown, "Something's been bugging me about those bodies."

"Other than the ritual desecration?" I asked.

"Yeah. How'd the cops find them? They're out in the middle of nowhere. Sure, one or two are by a trail but the rest are miles off the beaten path."

Sam shrugged, "Well they did send out search parties, usually they have dogs with them."

"But how did they know to look in that area?"

"Maybe Jim knew and fought her just enough to tip off the cops?" I said.

Coyote's eyes narrowed as she churned that over in her brain, "Or some of her followers aren't as loyal as she thinks. This, what she's doing, it goes against everything we are as a people. Maybe someone is trying to stop her."

"Or it's a trap," Sam added.

"Really Sammy? Had to go there didn't you?"

He nodded, "With our history? Yeah kind of did. Coyote? Does she know you're tracking her?"

The right side of her mouth twitched into a quick snarl, "She's bound to have visions, so it's possible."

This hotel had a mini bar, I decided this was as good of time as any to make use of that perk, "Ah my favorite kind of job, the kind where not only do we not know what they know but we also don't know if it's an elaborate scheme to kill us, versus the up front schemes to kill us. Sam? I'm really starting to like Oliver's offer to be his cleaning crew for that big ass house. Just sayin'. "

"Right there with ya man," he replied as he sunk down into a chair. "So. Plan?"

"Take a hike into the woods expecting an ambush," she replied.

"Crap plan," I countered, "Shouldn't we at least see if she's in town? Is there a way you can do that?"

"With magic? Maybe, but it's not definitive. Jim seemed pretty sure that she was though."

"How about without magic?" Sam asked.

She shook her head, "Would take too long. She needs to kill another person within the next few days, more than likely she's out in the woods prepping for that."

That was a bit of a surprise, "Uh what?"

"She needs four more bodies, that was the other thing Jim said." She looked away from the map and back at me, "It's not just about directions, it's about the yearly cycle. Four major equinoxes and the halfway points in between, and the people required will get younger as she goes."

Sam, Roy and I all looked at each other, any question of backing down or out was pretty much gone at that point. "All right then, we go hiking tomorrow and she goes down," it needed one more thing though, "We're following your lead on this. Like you said, your world, your rules. Everyone okay with that?" Sam and Roy both nodded.

"Guess it's early to bed for us then," I said, something in her face told me there was more though, "Unless there's something else we need to know?"

"Maybe."

She looked nervous, Coyote usually doesn't do nervous. "Maybe?"

"I...I need to think. I'll tell you tomorrow. Get some rest."

She left without another word.

"Shit."

"Yeah," Sam agreed.

"What?" Roy asked.

"That's the code for crap will hit the fan, expect the unexpected and assume it will be the worst possible scenario."

He frowned, "I thought she was an expert."

"One thing about experts Roy, there's still always something they don't know. They just know more than you do, doesn't mean they know everything." I sat down on the bed I'd chosen for the night and started pulling off my boots. "Get as much sleep as you can, tomorrow bring whatever weapons you have and go into this like it's life or death, because it is. Got it? Someone comes at you, don't worry about slowing them down first, just put them down." The reason I'd told him he should get out while the gettin' was good seemed to finally be sinking into his head.

"But they're not monsters Dean, they're people."

"They're being controlled by a monster," I pointed out, "We won't have time to stop and do that ritual every single time. Put them down so they can't get back up. Usually in cases like this a gut shot or leg shot won't matter." I watched him struggle with that concept for a minute or two, "No one will fault you for leaving Roy. I know how Oliver runs things in Starling and I know why. Once you take this step it's pretty hard to go back. Trust me. Up to you."

How I wish I could go back eight or nine years and know that all I had to take down were monsters, when things were black and white, human or monster. It was easy. Simple, back before I'd become the monster, before I knew what it was like to truly take a life. How it ate at you, took you apart bit by bit until you lost what separated you from the things you used to hunt. I really didn't want to see Roy turn into that, turn into Oliver or I. I dug my sweats out of my bag and headed into the bathroom to change. "Think about it."

When I got back out he and Sam were gone and the door between the rooms were shut. Sam was probably being Sam and trying to counsel Roy, or at least listen to him. I had other things on my mind, I turned off the light and laid down, only to have my damn brain fire up with what ifs. Somehow the what ifs this time around were worse than the nightmares I usually have. It wasn't what ifs about what we'd face tomorrow, none of that really bugged me. I don't really get all worked up over monsters or fucked up people trying to destroy the world anymore. What my stupid brain decided to torment me with this time was wondering which nightmares she'd seen, if she'd felt what I felt when the Mark had pretty much taken me over, what if she knew, really knew how bad I'd gotten. How the hell could she even look at me, trust me, want to be in the same fucking state I was after all of that? I hate my brain.