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You knew it would come to this.

Mood setter:

Monster- Imagine Dragons

Chapter 9 Dreams, Stories, Memories

"I'm only a man with a candle to guide me, I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me, a monster, a monster...

Felicity came back into the room donned in a flowing silk nightgown. In her hands were a book and a cup of chamomile tea. She looked up and let out a tiny squeak of surprise. "Sunstreaker..." She breathed.

He was sitting on the bed looking out on the harbor below. He looked up slowly with a sort of mischievous and guilty look. "I forgot. You are so used to living alone."

Felicity let out a breath of relief and shook her head walking towards the bed. "Not only that, I'm not used to silent strangers siting on my bed." She pouted sitting down placing the book on the pillow.

The smell of her tea immediately hit his nasal sensors and he took in a deep breath. Felicity looked up to him. With curiosity she came closer to him and sat cross legged placing the cup under his chin. "Here. I want to see if it-."

"It does." He breathed out with a breath of laughter and a short curt nod. The smell was relaxing and mesmerizing bringing him back to the first time he had ever smelled such a wonderful scent. There weren't many on Cybertron. On Earth there were so many. The smell of blooming flowers, the salt sea, the smell before and after the rain, Felicity...and her tea. So herbal and flowery on its own.

He closed his eyes taking in as many breaths as he could of the wonderful light scent. How a human herb could work so well on alien beings. His mind felt heavy and his body was following right along with it.

Felicity smiled. "It's good to see you relax." She continued to keep the cup under his face as he continued to breathe slowly.

"It feels wonderful." He mumbled. Slowly he tilted back, hair sliding over his shoulders as he rested his head upon her lap. Felicity widened her eyes before blinking a few times.

Before long she took her tea and started to drink it slowly. She watched the holoform below her breathe gently and lie still. She watched as his strong chest rose and fell. How the setting sun sent beautiful hues over his perfect and handsome face. He felt fingertips ghost gently over his face and he smiled softly. Over his nose, under his eyes, and down to his lips and then just as they explored his face they were gone.

He hummed once opening his crystal blue eyes peering up to Felicity. She was looking out into the harbor a soft content smile on her face. She lowered one hand and started to comb her fingers through perfect dark hair. Soft hands cupped his face before they traveled down his neck and chest keeping the pattern monotoned and steady.

He tilted his head allowing better access to such a soothing pattern. "What book are you reading?" He mumbled his voice soft and rough.

Felicity didn't answer immediately taking her hands away from his body. She took a slow sip of her tea. She smiled, a breath of laughter coming from soft thin lips. She looked down to him. "Well, it's about this girl. She meets a mysterious man one day. She fell hard for him but she knew she was too plain for such a handsome looking man. He was strong, brave, wonderful..."

Sunstreaker opened his mouth just enough to exhale a breath. "This story sounds awfully familiar."

Felicity smiled. "He held many secrets. Finally one day the man decided to say hello to this woman who thought about him nonstop. And from that day on she wished how he would tell her his demons. How they made him who he was today. Because she cared."

Sunstreaker's eyes flicked across her face when she looked back down to him. Slowly his hands raised to part the curtain of hair at the sides of her face. "Can I tell you a story that I once read?" He whispered.

Outside a siren rang in the distance breaking the silence over them. A car honked just outside on the main road and a shout of excitement down the street. Streetlamps began to light up the night as the final rays of sunlight disappeared.

"You said you would tell me a story at the cafe, Sunstreaker." She said softly leaning over and touching his hands with hers. "I will listen…"

Sunstreaker's breath was heavy as they came closer, as his walls came down. As he felt secure in her presence. He could peel away those protective walls of his and become naked and revealed. "It's a story about two brothers..."

She closed her eyes leaning into the touch of his hands. "How they were born together and loved each other so very much until the day that they would die and life beyond." His voice became quieter and quieter.

"They lived with their creator and carrier who loved them dearly. Bestowed Cybertonium blades upon them to protect themselves. Their half sparks. They were to defend themselves with the rarest weapons on Cybertron." He paused. "Which made them a commodity for certain trades." He smiled sadly.

He watched as she slowly straightened her head and knitted her eyes in question. Sunstreaker continued to smile none the less. This was his story. His sparks' story. "When a Decepticon bombardment took all that they had, their home, their city, their creators, a slave master named, well, Master came to them. When all hope had been lost they found it in the least of places."

"He promised them glory. He promised them revenge. He promised that they would live on like kings, that their blades would drink all the energon that they could imagine. That is if they went with him. They were rare. Split sparks. Two halves of a whole. One went where the other went. So they, we, did…we went with him."

Sunstreaker took in a deep breath when Felicity had backed away. She was the one now holding his face. He hadn't realized the shift. He raised a hand to place them on hers. "He brought them to the Gladiatorial Pits of Kaon where the two young twins were presented before the Pit Master herself. A dangerous, ruthless, lustful, femme named Hypogeum. She bought them for fifteen thousand credits each. On the same day they began their initiation and training to become gladiators. To kill. Strengtheners, virus protection, new armor, illegal substances to make their anger turn into rage. All for the kill."

He smiled. A sad, strained one. "They told him: 'I am him' 'and he is me' before, but Master would not listen. They were taught the regular ways of gladiators of the past. But because they were twins, certain measures had to be taken."

Each line of the seemingly morbid story he said from another view. His life story was vividly revisited and relived. He hadn't realized how his hands had clenched too tightly and how they seemed to shake.

He hadn't realized he was clenching her hands within his own.

He let go as if they had been burned.

"You were…gladiators? You killed for sport?" Her voice was unbelieving, betrayed, and small. Her hands remained where they were, red from being clenched so tightly. She didn't seem to mind at the moment. "How? How Sunstreaker? How could you kill so willingly…Why?"

Sunstreaker didn't look up to her. He had expected this reaction. "It was our life. It was all we knew. I was driven by blood lust and the thrill to kill because I was a monster. All I wanted was revenge." It was too easy to admit such a thing. He said the word too easily for his liking.

"Sideswipe killed because I was the one who forced him to. It was not his choice to become a gladiator. He doubted my decision the whole time we thrived in the Pits. He always hinted he hated his life there. He always told me how he followed me that night. He always hesitated before the kill. Sideswipe was there because of me."

"We trained using the bond, we trained using our blades. Fight after fight we won. Battles and championships we barely survived became our victories. Hypogeum watched. Hypogeum watched the golden twin with optics that were too careful and erotic for his own liking."

Felicity shook her head. "Dark room, shadows, dim lighting, a mech kicking…Sideswipe...I saw him. Your dreams, Sunstreaker...Those were you and him? Those weren't dreams, they were real! Memories!" She felt as if she had seen something she wasn't. And she had. She had intervened on something so hidden and terrible. His demons, dark, snarling, terrible demons. She merely saw those memories in form of dreams. "The chest aches, the burning sensations, the pain…" She leaned forward her voice desperate and unbelieving. "Sunstreaker…It was you." She seemed sick.

He didn't answer her. Didn't confirm anything. He didn't look at her. He refused to see her expression. His demons were ugly. Disgusting and so dark. They clawed at his consciousness to take over his mind. So many times had they succeeded in the past. Now something brought them forth once again. Out of the shadows to try and take his light he had found with Felicity away from him.

"Hypogeum had made a deal with him. If he would give himself to her, he would assure his life in the pits below of which she ruled. But he refused. Hated what he had become and how it ruled his life. He hated the gladiatorial rings and the corruptions it made him be."

Sunstreaker's voice wavered in anger. The dark ceiling never looked so interesting in his life before. "If he did not agree with her terms…" He heard her words inside his own helm, metal on metal. Sweet and so dangerous all on their own. He growled out her words word for word. He would always remember those words. The day she dared to threatened his twin. "She said she would end him by killing his brother. The weaker spark of the two that he always promised to protect."

Sunstreaker was numb and remained still. His holoform must have flickered out because she had let out a sound of alarm gripping his hands. He smiled to her sadly before releasing them. He did not want to crush her hands again.

"Why…why was she so fixated on you?"

Sunstreaker shrugged his shoulders too easily and casually. "She always got what she wanted. No one had ever stood up to her. She thought she ruled us. We were slaves yes, but no one ruled us. We made sure of it. Master even knew better. He knew we could end him easily. Maybe Hypogeum knew that too." He shrugged again.

He realized his casualness made her more unsteady and more nervous. How was he so calm? He himself didn't know. He continued on none the less.

"The final battle was won but only because Master had told them it was purposely made an unfair fight. Hypogeum did indeed try and kill the silver twin. But the golden twin was stubborn. His life was cursed from the moment he was brought into existence. He had brought his brother down with them. And even as he stumbled out of the arena with his brother in his arms. He didn't realize how close to death they had become. He didn't realize how much farther down he would go."

"Master had taken them to a medic. A trusted medic he called a dear friend, but not so much in return. Master told him to bring them to the Autobot cause where they would flourish and have purpose for their killing. Where they would be safe from the clutches of the Pit and the Pit Master herself, Hypogeum. Reluctantly did the medic named Ratchet agree. He did not believe in his plan all too much. Walking into the arms of their Master after their last battle was the last time they ever saw him again."

Felicity's hands were clenched against her chest and she backed away. She shook her head. "Sunstreaker..." She whined. She didn't know if she like this story all too much anymore.

He laughed, an out of place sound before finally looking up to her. "But I'm not done telling it."

Tears were at the corners of her eyes threatening to spill over and run down her cheeks. He tilted his head looking up to her with soft blue eyes that seemed to glow in the night around them. Sunstreaker placed his hands on her cheeks and wiped them away with gentle thumbs. "Why do you cry?"

"Because…because…you had to live this, Sunstreaker. You were so young…so innocent and- and why did you see that this was the only way?"

He looked for an answer for only a moment. "When you live on the streets with your twin brother for a while you see things worse than the Pits, Felicity. It was more torture to see my twin inhabiting the streets living on half a cube of stale energon than seeing him kill. I knew we would have a berth, energon, and a place to call our own. Desperation, Felicity. It makes us do strange things."

The tears that cornered at her eyes spilled over as she closed them. She gritted her teeth bowing her head. "I want to hear more…I know how the story ends though…I know how it ends…"

Sunstreaker blinked one more time lowering his hands. But when he did, her tears fell upon his face. Each time one fell upon him it was like a sting. A wet sting that hurt him deep down. "You wanted to know…I can stop Felicity."

"No." She gripped his face her eyes clenched shut. "I need to know. I need to know. I need to fix this…I always fixed you. I will fix you again."

He smiled sadly. "But you can't." He whispered. "It has been done. The past stays where it is for a reason, you know."

"Because it made you who you are today…" She whispered just as quietly.

"I'm not breakable, 'City. I'm strong enough. I have done well…enough to be here today."

"But at what cost?"

"Sideswipe."

She froze. And he hated how he made her freeze. He wondered how long it was until he officially made her snap or not take anymore. His story wasn't to be told so leisurely. He decided to continue his story. She wanted to know and he wanted to tell it. Something so relieving and scary came from letting his inner raw self be revealed to her.

"When Ratchet had taken us in as his own he placed us into The Academy. We advanced faster than any other student there. Our past had to do too much with our success. We became bored, uninterested. We didn't care much for the Autobot cause nor the training that could never be compared to the intensity of the Pits. Not at first. What was in the Gladiatorial rings was made uglier in war. Then we truly compared. It was worse."

Sunstreaker's face became calm. He laughed humorlessly shaking his head. He looked back up to the ceiling. "It's where I had truly become a monster. I was disgusting. The thrill of killing was more addicting than any other substance I had ever taken. And it was justified! There was nothing wrong with killing Decepticons because that's what the cause was for, right? Everything was confusing. Where would a monster bent on killing thrive? Where would he go? The front lines. The infamous twin gladiators of Kaon did the dirty work while the others hid behind cover and fired. Death was to be something afraid of. I wasn't. He was."

"Too many times were we punished for our torturous ways. But." He laughed humorlessly. How many times had he done so? Was his life that laughable? That sad? Humorous? Or unbelievable even to himself? "They still kept us. We were the only ones able to do the dirty work. Autobots? Decepticons? What does it matter, we were all killers. 'Autobot' was just another scapegoat for me to keep enacting this blind revenge for my creators."

He shook his head. "Do you know how many we killed Felicity? Me and Sideswipe? I lost count after three digits." He whispered.

He didn't realize how she slipped out from under him. Careful frightened movements. He was too engrossed in his story.

"We were ambushed, Felicity. They took him away from me so fast. I couldn't keep up with it all. They ripped. Him. Away from me. My worst came out of me. Too many times did I turn on my own Autobot brethren. Psychopath. Crazy. Unstable. Some said they should have executed me. Pinned me to that wall in front of a firing squad. But no. They still kept me. Because I could do the dirty work just as good as two mechs with rare Cybertonium swords." He snarled those words harshly.

"We were not good little Autobots. We were good little Autobots."

Sunstreaker hadn't realized how quiet Felicity had become and how far away she had slid from him. He was now laying on the bed still looking up to the ceiling.

And then he realized. It was the crazed smile he had on his lips that she was so focused on. He laughed. It was broken, unstable, and desperate. A sob mixed with a laugh.

"Dirty work." He laughed again. "They kept me alive because I could do the dirty work. Because you know what? I was dead already. I was dead because of the energon I had on my hands and the mind of a monster disintegrating my very being. I was dying because they took my only sanity away. Why would they kill me? They would get what they wanted until I bit the bullet. Until I ended myself."

"Sunstreaker…" He heard his name through a clouded haze. He was over thinking. Just like Felicity. But he sunk too deep, too fast.

"Optimus never got rid of me because I was useful to the cause. He was the reason why my brother died. He called the attack. It was an ambush. It was all a set up."

"Sunstreaker…" The voice was now in front of him and below him.

"I'm not fixed Felicity. I will never be fixed. I will never be whole again. That me I stare into every day of my existence glares right back at me. Laughs at my fraggin' face."

Hands suddenly gripped his shoulders and sat him up. He looked into the worried and scared eyes of Felicity. Her hair was messy and her lips were curled into a sob. "Stop. Please Stop. You're scaring me! Please…"

She brought her arms around his abdomen and hugged him so tight…desperately. "Stop…please…"

The fog that was in his mind started to fade away, the burning in his neck went away and faded down his spinal strut. He hadn't realized how hot the fire had spread. He widened his eyes. "I'm-I didn't- Felicity…"

"I am here Sunstreaker. I'm here. Please…stop." He knew she couldn't say anything else. His words had struck her through her chest just as harshly as the blade that went through his twin. What was the bond like? Had it been open? Was it open now? Was that why she was shaking so much? Was that why she was sobbing in his arms?

"Why are you crying?" He whispered hoarsely bringing his arms around her finally.

"You're not a monster…"

He understood what she was trying to say with just that heavy sentence. But deep down, he knew better. He was a monster. Deep down he still kept it were it was. He kept that demon and nurtured it. Because he knew deep down, he loved to.

...I've turned into a monster, a monster, and it keeps getting stronger."