From: Hediru
Ok. Ok. Ok. After reading this, I have decided that certain people have got to meet. And... if the universe doesn't implode as a result, they can answer these questions:
River: where did you get your vortex manipulator?
Jack: when did you last see your vortex manipulator?
River: shag, marry, or throw off a cliff? 10th Doctor, 11th Doctor, Captain Jack
Jack: same question but with 9th Doctor, 10th Doctor, Ianto?
RIVER: Well I'm quite sure it happened in your show version sweetie. I tricked Dorium into selling it to me by placing a micro explosive in his drink and selling him the antidote. I needed to travel to get a painting Vincent Van Gogh made especially for the Doctor. Dorium said he had one fresh off the wrist off a handsome time agent, so I went.
11TH DOCTOR: Please, please, please hope that he doesn't come.
RIVER: Who sweetie?
JACK: *Appears in a flash of light* Hello Doc! And who's your lady friend?
RIVER: Professor River Song, but River to you sweetie.
JACK: Hello I'm Captain Jack Harkness.
RIVER: Oh so you're this handsome Jack that everyone talks about.
JACK: People talk about me huh, good things I hope.
RIVER: Oh, yes. Very good things! I've heard from a certain Doctor that you're a walking, talking innuendo.
JACK: Oh Doc I'm flattered. The rumours are quite true professor, so what do you think drinks? Dinner? A movie? Or shall we just head to my room?
RIVER: I have the handcuffs you lead the way.
JACK: Ooh feisty. Where'd you pick this one up Doc?
RIVER: He knows my parents.
JACK: You travel with her parents Doc? I expected more from you.
AMY: Oi flirt boy! I'm her mother.
JACK: Now I see where you got your good looks.
RIVER: Flattery gets you everywhere Captain.
JACK: So shall we head to my bed I've been a very bad boy and I need to be restrained.
11TH DOCTOR: STOP! I can't take this anymore, this is torture just stop!
RIVER: Aw, you always ruin the fun Doctor.
11TH DOCTOR: Yes well I'm sorry I don't like watching my wife flirt with other men, especially when that other man is Jack.
JACK: Wife? Oh River you're such a naughty girl. How did you ever find such a wonderful woman Doc?
11TH DOCTOR: Well um … her mother got kidnapped and she turned out to be pregnant, then we found out that the baby was River and well she ended up being raised to kill me. It's quite complicated.
RIVER: I'm all yours Doctor. Your one and only bespoke psychopath.
JACK: Wow, so she was literally made for you.
11TH DOCTOR: Our first date was killer. Not only did she try and kill me and managed to poison me with a kiss, she brought me back to life with a kiss also. As first dates go I'd say that was mixed signals on her part.
RIVER: It all made sense to me I was brainwashed.
11TH DOCTOR: Plus you're a woman.
RIVER: Oi! *Slaps him across the cheek*
11TH DOCTOR: Why do you always insist on slapping me?
JACK: You guys are perfect together. I'm upset you got to her first, the wedding must have been amazing. So sad I wasn't invited.
11TH DOCTOR: Actually the wedding was even more complicated. River stopped time so she wouldn't have to kill me, we were being chased by mean aliens that wanted me dead and we ended up getting married in the middle of a war while I was inside a robotic replica of myself. It was quite an interesting wedding to say the least.
JACK: Wow. It's really a shame you didn't get a stag night.
11TH DOCTOR: I told you a story about time disintegrating and all you got out of it is that I should've got a stag night?!
RORY: If it's any consolation Jack he was at mine.
RIVER: Oh I remember that story well father. Every Time you tell me that story I can't help but smile.
JACK: Wait a second. Hold on, this is priceless! You went to your father in law's stag night?!
RORY: More like he popped out of a stripper cake to tell me he kissed my fiancee.
JACK: That's just so hilarious! Now I'm upset I wasn't there. You kissed your mother in law!
11TH DOCTOR: Shut up Jack.
JACK: As for my vortex … I left it around the hub somewhere. I don't know what happened to it … the last time I saw it I was blacking out from having my arm cut off. Whenever it shows up it shows up, for now I have a temporary one that only works for a certain amount of time. I snatched it off a friend of mine.
RIVER: Sorry dear but I'd shag Jack. He seems experienced and well he's kinda hot too.
11TH DOCTOR: Why?! What! That's not fair River, that's just mean.
RIVER: Oh sweetie, but I'd marry you again any day. Shagging is only a couple of hours at the most but marriage is forever.
11TH DOCTOR: Oh River I love you.
RIVER: As for the Tenth Doctor I'd throw him off a cliff because then he'd turn into my Doctor. Sorry dear.
10TH DOCTOR: Oi! That's rude!
RIVER: I'm always rude dear, get used to it. Geez, I'm turning worse than you sweetie.
11TH DOCTOR: I just rub off on you I guess. Always said it and I always will until it happens, I'm rude and not ginger.
JACK: As for those choices I'd shag Tenny and maybe get a threesome going with his duplicate. I'd marry Ianto because he's my sexy welshman. And I'd throw nine off a cliff for abandoning me. Now then I have a question does anyone else need me or should I go? I need to know so I can let the rest of my crew know.
RIVER: I think you'd better stay. Besides I like you, the Doctor has an excellent taste in friends.
11TH DOCTOR: My friends certainly are picked wisely, they are the best of me after all.
RIVER: That's one of the reason's I love you sweetie.
11TH DOCTOR: And I love you too my bad bad girl.