Author's Note: Wow! Your comments made me really happy, cause I had small doubts about this Chapter. It was really hard for me to write; even it came so easily on the other side. I just wanted to give you the BESTEST, and so I'm glad and relieved you all liked it! I know we all need some happy and fluff time after the TV heart-breaking break up and the following elevator scene…. And we need a little bit fluff to support the AMAZING scene in the last nights episode! So I'm voluntarily giving it to you. But love isn't always easy and sometimes it leaves you back aching for more, desperately. So here's sth. To believe in Love =)
But enough rambling here. Rather enjoy the Chapter =)
Totally looking forward to your reviews!
Have faith in love, even it seems hopeless sometimes
-Sun
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Chapter 14 – Confessions
(Calliope's pov)
10
Concentrate. Just concentrate. Only a little bit.
I need to hang on.
That's what I'm trying to tell myself so desperately.
But my glance is fixated. And I can't look away.
No! Look away!
I yell.
I yell at myself.
Look down, not up, look anywhere but not there.
Don't look like you've planned it!
I look away. Somewhere. Anywhere.
But my pulse is speeding up. Racing.
Is it hot in here or am I fantasizing?
I erase a bead of sweat with the back of my hand.
I look up, but look away immediately.
Yes I'm weak, loosing an inner battle.
Damn you Calliope Torres! Blame yourself! Shame on you!
Look. Away. And concentrate!
Okay, weakness, I welcome you gradually!
And I look up.
5
I don't even know what they are talking about. Fixed I'm looking down on my open book, the book I guess we are discussing right now. Or at least they are discussing. I'm not doing anything. I just try to concentrate and contain myself. That's hard enough!
At least I look like I'd do anything.
Usually English literature is my favourite subject, but not now! Not now.
I look up again.
2 ½
It's taking so long, and it's requiring so much strength.
But I'm good. I'm doing my best. Just breathe in and breathe out…
Yes. I'm perfectly fine. I'm hardcore… Erasing another bead of sweat.
2
I'm badass! I'm cool and I'm hot!
I don't need to concentrate on something and put my mind on ease. I'm so badass I just let it happen. And no I'm not nervous. I'm smooth and I'm smart, I'm stunning, oh yes I am… I'm…
1
… horny.
That's what I am. I'm completely and honestly aching to get out of here and let her take away my horniness. Damn!
I need to get out of this room. Now.
½
They are still talking, but whenever I try to listen, it's all Greek to me.
And I can't even if I wanted, because, no I'm not hardcore. I'm not badass. I'm just horny…
And I'm looking up.
11:00 am
My hand is in the air immediately, and I'm shaking, calling it anticipation.
"Oh Callie! Nice to see that you are enriching class! I was wondering why you are so silent today. I'm not used to that, honestly…"
No time for compliments, Mrs. Pearce, sorry.
Someone's waiting for me.
"May I powder up my nose?" I ask, I hiss, politely as I can, but when she nods I stay up, almost running like its really urgent and just say… it is…
I ran down the corridor like my life depended on it and out of breath I finally reached the girl restroom were she and I planned to meet each other at 11 o'clock. It was like a ritual after school started and we both sometimes hardly saw each other, only during the breaks or like now, during class.
When the summer vacation were over we both knew something would change, because this year she would graduate while I was going to spend a year longer than her in this institution and I didn't want to think about how school would be without her and our little sneak outs…
I got used to her so easily and I was falling for her so hard I can't imagine being without her. And school is a chance to see her almost whenever I want to.
But there are also boundaries I'd like to ignore or just forget for a minute and it's not just that I can't stay in the rest room for too long; it's also that we can't be seen together.
Not as a couple, not as two normal persons in love with each other. But also that I try to ignore when I'm rushing through the doors, hoping she's not taking too long to get here.
When I open the door I don't have to hope anymore, because hope is crossing my way and I already feel her lips on mine, assaulting them in the sweetest way.
She kisses me and pushes me against the tiling white wall and when my heated body gets confronted with coolness it's just heating me up a little bit more. But nothing could be even as hot as Arizona Robbins kissing you passionately, filled with desire and placing her hands on your cheeks while she's rubbing against you and her hands are simply playing with your hair while she's loosing herself in a simple kiss just like you are.
"Hey…" She suddenly whispers while she's ravishing my neck and I'm throwing back my head to grand her further access. My hands are never leaving her body, touching every part I can reach, leaving both of back at a place where we almost can't go back.
And while I stand there, suppressing the sighs escaping my swollen lips, I ask myself how I could live without her; the girl who captured my mind so easily, the girl who made me see love and who also made my father see that THIS is real. I don't know what she did or how, well she isn't telling me and still insisting it was his own decision, but when my dad came to apologize and asked me if she makes me happy I could offer him only one simple but for him though a very magnificent answer: "She makes me really happy!"
That was all he needed and that's what really counts, that what I think a relationship truly is: Happiness.
And besides the pain and anger you have to get through sometimes it should be only one thing: Love filled with trust, commitment, Joy, passion, desire, honesty and happiness.
And she offers me everything and every time I don't think she could give me more I look up into her blue salvation or kiss her like I do right now and I realize it's just the beginning of everything. It's just the beginning of us…
"You're hot." She suddenly says and I smile widely, intentionally. She can take my breath away like it's nothing, making me feel alive, and I don't even need to reply, cause my kiss is saying everything thousand words couldn't say… But… suddenly… oh so suddenly she pushes me against the wall again, but her body not pressed into mine – and I feel breathless and alone – without her touch – my eyes still closed.
And when I open them I wish I had kept them closed, cause I finally see what happened hear the sound of the door opening and the cheerful voice of my friend Laura.
A friend I like and cherish – but dismiss right now.
"Hey Callie! Hey Arizona!"
She greets both of us happily while I answer annoyed, and I'm not even trying to sound as half as perky and nice as Arizona is trying to, fixing her hair.
"Looks like there's a girl meeting on the second floor!" She laughs and enters the toilet cabin. Still talking. "What class you both were sneaking out?"
"English literature…" I hiss… slightly pissed. Yeah you could call it pissed.
Arizona instead is obviously nervous, rambling, trying to save the situation with her natural perky voice. "I had biology, but then I… I suddenly had to use the toilet… you know? And then I… I suddenly bumped into Calliope…" Then a nervous laugh, her head turning completely red and I'd love to kiss her right now, because she's driving me crazy.
I never thought a person could take my breath away just like that.
But I also never thought a person is as beautiful as she is, her cheeks as red as when we made love or kissed, now she was making this situation just a little bit more awkward. But Honestly I loved her even more for this and started giggling while she was sending me the death glare, hitting me on my arm.
"Funny we all meet here by accident, isn't it Calliope?" Wow, she looks really serious. Wouldn't I know how sweet she is I'd be scared by now.
"Totally…" I admit through my waves of giggles. Yeah she literally bumped into me… but not by accident…
A fidgety laugh is completing her, not so perfect, lie perfectly.
Laura, anyway, came out to wash her hands while she looked at us intentionally before she started to chuckle, like she thought of something really stupid. Something that just can't be true.
"If I didn't know it better I'd say you both had a hot make out session the way you look!" Then she laughs hysterically.
"Oh yeah! Hahahaha! Funny! So damn funny…" She's turning red again, or is she still is? But at least I can say she's totally falling in faking her laugh. "Isn't it, Calliope?"
"Yeah… hilariously funny." I reply dryly while Arizona is still giggling with her high pitched voice until she almost coughed herself to the death of embarrassment.
"So have to go again. See ya later or so, mates!" She is smiling our way like she really knows something before she leaves the room as fast as she got in here and immediately Ari starts to lean into me, searching and seeking for some sort of comfort.
"I hate it so much… I hate it to have to hide…" She breaths out desperately and tired like she spent a way too much behind close doors, without any oxygen, without anything real to survive. And I'm only half in there and a part of me is still outside this door. But I'm the only one with the key to this door and with those simple sentences she asks me to help her get out of this shallow and smoky room.
And so I just say, without her even asking, but still wanting.
"I'm going to talk to her this afternoon…"
And then I look into her eyes, sick of pretending and sick of not being able to say and show how much I love her, even in public.
And who I love is her and only her.
"You are…?" She asks me, unbelievable, but relieved surprised. First she was the one who wasn't able to tell anyone, not sure how this would be. But then it was me who couldn't stand up further more.
But now it's me, giving in and giving up everything for her if I have to.
"Yeah, I'm going to." I caress her face and kiss her one last time before I leave her behind and head of in my class room again with a smile plastered on my face.
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If you love someone and I mean really love someone more than anything else in your life you'll risk anything and you'll do anything for love and for the loved ones.
And you'll even try to tell someone about the person you love, someone who has really rent the best standing room on a big big tube.
So I sit there in the middle of the green grass in our schoolyard with Laura to be able to finally come out to her and with that to a whole bunch of other people.
But I'm ready, cause I know Ari is going to be there no matter what's going to be.
"Soo what you want to tell me?" She asks me after we sat down and carrying a conversation you could call a friendly small talk.
"I just… I wanted to tell you…" I cough a few times, feeling like suddenly I'm more than nervous. Because all of this is changing everything that has been. But hey I came out to my parents, how bad can that actually be?
She looks at me, frowning, and waiting… impatiently.
"Yeah?" She tries to help and after a few seconds helplessly stuttering and praying to god she found out by herself just listening to my inaudible murmuring, I finally blurt it out.
"I'm in love with Arizona."
And then something happens I never ever thought of. I imagined her being shocked, her being silent, her running away or hopefully staying and saying it's okay. But that is just something completely new.
She laughed out loud.
"I should come for what I already know?"
"You what? You… You knew? How?" I ask, now the one who is frowning and literally confused.
"Well… your postcard last year? And then you came back and you couldn't stop talking how beautiful your trip through Arizona has been. It was pretty clear you love Arizona… so why are you telling me this right now? Are you moving away? Please say you're not!"
Okay… let's talk about this big big tube going from New York to Moscow and embracing the whole world and now let's say it all belongs to her. Enough place to stand on.
"Well I have been in Arizona more than once…" I mumble and cough immediately after those words left my mouth, cause I realize what I've just said and not only thought, but fortunately she doesn't get that too and I'm able to ignore it and come finally to a point where I tried to be 5 minutes ago.
"What I actually wanted to say is… I'm in love with Arizona… And I don't mean the state…"
I can hear the wheels in her head rolling endlessly, I can smell the smoke over her head and I can see the question mark appearing in her frowning eyes.
But then, finally, her mouth drops open and she keeps staring my way.
"Arizona as in beautiful blond heart stealing and turning everybody's head Arizona? Arizona as in smart and kind Arizona? Arizona as popular and cheerleading Arizona? Arizona as in… GIRL Arizona?"
After each question she gives me time to slightly nod and finally, after the last question, she's completely quiet, her mouth still hanging open.
Yeah, that reaction I rather expected…
But then, a loud sigh, the confession sinking in audible, and suddenly she looks up, smiling.
"Okay."
I never asked her for permission and I never asked her to allow this beautiful thing between Arizona and me; but I hoped for her acceptance and her tolerance. I asked for her to sit there with me and smile, I asked for her to say whatever, just make me feel her respect. I didn't expect a speech of how great it is to hear, but all I asked for was fulfilled when she just sat there, letting me know that I'm still the same to her.
"Okay?" I ask her, ask for her reassurance, ask for her to continue smiling like that and giving me the ability to find more strength.
"Okay… I mean you're still the same crazy badass funny and hardcore girl I met 2 years ago and you're still my friend. That's really no reason to let it change now." She simply says and shrugs like it's the only normal thing to do after such a revelation. And normally it should be like that. It should be all about love and not about who you love, what gender or nationality, but only about the person. And Arizona is the most wonderful and beautiful person I've ever met, and that' exactly what everybody knows.
"Thank you…" I whisper into her ear while I'm hugging her tenderly.
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(Arizona's pov)
All your life you are misjudging people.
Either you trust someone and believe in people you shouldn't or you don't give someone a chance even it might be worth it.
And of course there are different kind of people, the ones who are trusting and the others who are simply misjudging.
I've done a very naïve thing, because I trusted and I lost. I lost my old life and got a new. But though it hurts to realize whom you trusted and how badly they betrayed you. It hurts to loose everything you once believed in, but far away from that you earn something else, another life, a better one you desperately hang on, even it means giving up something else.
When I walk in our big gym, seeing my old friends, training, I try to smile and remember how it was to be with them, laughing, training, hanging out and being popular. Being a part of something I thought of being a normal and the right thing. And it still was when I broke up with Steve, but though it changed.
It changed when they were trying to intermingle and made me do what made them look the best again. But now, after hanging out more and more with Calliope, I seem to be someone else to them…
"Hey mates!" I say out loud and wink when I'm walking up to them, already stretching and talking to each other, but not to me anymore. Instead they are silent when I finally reach them.
"Hey…" some of them reply shyly, not looking into my eyes. Anymore.
"Sooo… what are we going to do today?" I ask, trying to sound as perky as I can, even I'm shaking all over.
No one is answering and I don't know what this is. Yes, they acted strange since Calliope came into my life and changed it rapidly.
But today everything seems different, more than it already was before. And I guess that something has to be really wrong when Brenda suddenly stops training and instead walking up to me, away from the others, but near enough for them to hear anything and that's when I realize that she's just the one who is speaking for all of them.
"What's wrong?" I ask her when she keeps looking at me, seriously.
"You're hanging out with the wrong people, don't you think?" She asks like it's the easiest thing and I just needed to see that, not even being ashamed or thoughtful about what she just said. Not even thinking that she might crossed a border.
"What do you mean?"
"Since you broke up with Steve… I… we think you act a lil strange lately and we…"
"What do you want?" Slowly I feel trapped. I feel like she wants to rule me, like she did a few months ago. It feels like she wants my old self back, without even knowing who I really am, that I've never been more myself and more happy like I'm since I have Calliope in my life.
"I think it'd be better to stop seeing that girl, you know… this… this nerd you are hanging out with. You seem distanced from us and this nerd, she's a lesbian. Everyone knows that! Do you really want to hang out with someone like her? Urgh… I don't think it would be good for you."
And there are people like her who are judging without even truly knowing someone. They are judging, misjudging, thinking they know an other person just by looking at them. And I hate them… I hate them for doing this so much, because isn't life about giving chances? About accepting people just how they are? But what they are doing… it isn't supposed to be like that and I'm not supposed to be a part of this anymore.
"Good for me or good for the team?" I ask, hissing.
"Both…" She finally replies, like I've already expected. But instead of being ashamed, she is still smiling, like she has the power about everything and most of all, about me.
"Arizona, I just think…" She starts like she's really interested in my best, but she isn't and she has never been. It's good to realize and it's necessary… but nevertheless it hurts…
"No… you know what I think? I think all of you are just stupid. Stupid to think you are the greatest, the most beautiful and most wonderful people in the whole school and that no one can live without you. You are stupid and selfish, because you really think it's the truth. But this girl you were calling a nerd, she's more worth than anyone of you, because she is selfless, she knows what respect and love really means. She's not half as plastered with prejudice as you are. You don't know what life and friendship and humanity truly is, even you think you know… you don't know anything at all… And if hanging out with Calliope means I'm hanging, in your eyes, out with the wrong one… I keep doing that. Because for me. It's the only right thing to do. And in a way I feel sorry for you, cause you're not able to experience that…" I say, able to keep my voice steady and I'm happy, I'm proud about what I've done, but at the same time I feel like I've really lost my old life, like I was so stupid to trust all of them. But I walk away. I walk away from them forever.
"So what are you doing now?"
I spin around one more time, smiling.
"What does it look like?"
"So you go? We are done?" She asks, not believing what she just heard. But I'm not blinded anymore.
Love isn't making blind. It's making me see.
"We are more than done!"
And I never felt that badass before.
When I'm coming out Calliope is there, already waiting for me with a glance of confusion in her eyes when I tenderly kiss her and pressing her hard against me, never letting her go again.
"Why are you here so early?" She asks really confused, but though smiling.
"Because I love you."
It's not the whole truth, it's not telling her everything that happened inside there, but it's the only real reason. The only reason why I'm here, smiling, instead of crying, the only reason I'm who I am and the only reason why I'm a good man in the storm.
And maybe that's all I need to say right now.
It's all I need to feel… forever.
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(Calliope's pov)
It's almost like a dream, like an addiction, which was carrying me to her.
I wanted more and more and I wasn't satisfied with fewer.
I wanted her, completely, outright, well and truly, and not secretly.
If we are together, but couldn't be really together, my heart was filled with desire and wistfulness.
I want to tell everyone. I want to be able to show my feelings for her, wherever we are, whatever we are doing and whoever is seeing us and so we walk hands holding in school, laying down on the grass, hanging out with our friends while we were sitting there, holding each other and we couldn't care less about it. But even everyone looked, no one asked and so we kept going until Laura and Anna took us both aside during a break and we both realized it couldn't be like that forever…
"They start to talk about you both."
"They talk?" Arizona suddenly asked terrified while I was only listening.
"I hope you know we are both there for you and there to support you and in our eyes you are made for each other… but because of that we needed to tell you that they start to talk about you… They ask what there's between the both of you and… they ask if you are lesbians…"
"Who?" I ask, not looking up. I know this to well. The talk, the gossip and a part of me doesn't care anymore. But the other part is still mad and sad about how people can be sometimes.
Anna sighs loudly and says it exactly how it is: "Everyone"
"Everyone?" Now it was her time to gasp loudly. Yeah, we wanted to make it official, but it wasn't planned that way.
I looked at her, asking myself what exactly she thought as she was looking silently to the ground and I was scared, so scared, that this would change her so much that she maybe regretted what has been between us. Maybe this would shock her even more, because she left a lot behind. But this would mean, leaving really everything behind, her reputation, her life. Maybe she would realize she wanted to safe that.
But then she suddenly surprises me, showing me all what she ever wanted when she is looking me into the eyes intentionally before she strokes my face softly, smiling, grinning like a fool; a fool who would do anything for love.
And when her lips slowly came in contact with mine I left everything behind, too. When she kissed me the world around us stopped and all the thoughts drifted away as much as I did. And when we separated again to breathe, finally, I wanted to say so much, but I was speechless and so I waited for her to say anything at all.
"You know what, Calliope, I don't care what they think and what they say. I want to show them how it really is… I'm in love with you, undeniably, unlimited and now also irrepealably." She laughs nervously, but freely like never before, as she's tracing the paths on my skin.
"I don't care what they say or if they love or judge about us. I don't care if they call stupid things when we walk by or if they say we are not normal. I want to be with you. I'm in love with you, Calliope. So i only ask for one thing: Be with me. On the record."
I wanted to answer, find the right words, telling her the same things, but a simple kiss told her anything and set the seal on all what's been said.
"Anna, Laura… if someone is asking about us again just tell them they should ask us or just simply say: They are as gay as Elton John. Then all their questions should be answered…" And after I thank both of them I take Arizona's hand in mine and walked to our classrooms.
"Maybe all their questions are already answered…" She murmured as we recognized the masses, watching like vultures what just happened.
Yes, we already answered and with that we were finally free and we were finally real.
And leaving your old life behind never felt as good as it felt right now.
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(Calliope voiceover)
If you love someone, truly and entirely, you sometimes don't care what's going to happen and you just live your life and feel the love capturing your whole body.
If you love someone, passionately, madly and deeply you are giving in completely and sometimes you risk everything…
And I risked anything.
Authors Note 2: Sooooo small cliffhanger here…. What's going Calliope to risk?
And sorry it took me so long to update, again.