Disclaimer: Again, you realize these characters don't belong to me.

A/n: I think this computer has become permanently attached to my lap. And believe me when I say I know what the final outcome will be, but the characters have their own ideas.

Chapter 14

I didn't want to believe Sam. Believing would only give way to hope that someone could possibly love me. Renee, I knew still loved me, although she probably didn't know if I was alive or dead. Sam cared for me in his own way, a type of brotherly love. That was probably true for Dean as well; Sam must have gotten it wrong. He must have seen something and taken it for something else. Flustered I shook my head, dispelling any lose thoughts from taking over. Nothing would ever happen between Dean and me. There was just as much chance of me and Edward getting back together.

As soon as Dean walked through the door, I realized I had been holding my breath. Waiting for him to get there, thinking of my 'what if' for him and me.

The tiny room had seemed empty with only Sam and me being in there. Now that was simply ironic, since Sam could have spread his arms and legs out to the corners of the room and it would have been completely full.

"Dean," I whispered, marching into his arms, my face draining of color at the bad thoughts crossing through my mind. His shirt was soaked, damp from being outside in the wet air, of running, for some reason. My heart beat frantically pounding through my shirt in my imagination, why had I been so worried? Nothing too bad happened in Forks. James and Victoria had been the worst thing to happen in this town in years; James was dead and Victoria had disappeared quickly after his demise. Some days I wondered where she was, but I shrugged it off. She'd been out of my hair for four and a half years, I wasn't going to look a gift horse in its mouth and complain. For all I cared she was gone for good, hopefully someone had torn her apart.

Dean buried his face into my hair, leaning against me as I pulled myself together. I breathed in deep, smelling the evergreen that clung to his clothes from being outside for so long. "I missed you," I mouthed into his shirt knowing no one would hear me. Neither of them needed to know how much I had missed them when I had taken on hunting by myself, or the fact that I missed Dean as intensely as I had for the past- thirty-forty minutes. Being around them for only a few days made me realize how much I missed them. Holding onto him like the hot life preserver he was. I didn't notice Sam walk out the door, I simply felt the breeze and heard the door shut and I knew we were suddenly alone. Sam hated being around when we had our "moments", and I certainly didn't want this to be considered a moment, at least, I think I didn't. And it wasn't like I knew how to warn him that we were going to have one. Maybe we should go put a sock on the door like college kids did. Oh, well. My bad.

"I'm so sorry," I mumbled, pulling back enough to see his face. Dean's sweet green eyes were weary, full of the mistrust I deserved. His soft cherry lips pulled tight across his face.

"I thought you said he was dead," Dean muttered, roughly pulling my arms from behind his back. Stepping away from me he stalked across the room. Sitting at the edge of the pink bed, he began rubbing his face between his hands.

"I-" stopping I tried to think back to when I could have possibly said that. After almost getting hit by that car, when I was panicking, trying to avoid getting the Cullens involved at all costs. Great.

"He's not worth dying over," Dean muttered when I had finally finished my story. I glanced down at my intertwined hands.

"He was to me." It was the truth. I had wanted to die when he left. Sure, I hadn't gone out of my way to find Laurent, or to get hit by a car, but I had certainly picked a profession that shortened my life by years, if not decades.

"Crap Bella," Sam said, wiping his hands over his face.

"What?" I wanted to scream, but it came out in a gasp, "The love of my life dies and I think you'd understand of all people Sam."

"I said it because in a way it's true, I guess. He is dead… to me. I haven't talked to him in four years, because I try not to think of him. I try to imagine he died out there, somewhere far, far, away. And," I paused. How was I going to phrase this? "I, um, well, I didn't want to get their help. I was hoping we could take care of it all on our own. And I was overemotional," I added. I mean, I had almost been hit by a car. My shoulders slumped though, my head down at the thought of the three of us against twenty vampires. It was hard enough to kill one with three people. Indestructible things they were, one of the hardest supernatural things to kill.

"Can't you understand where I'm coming from Dean?" I asked, my voice shaking as I sank to the ground in front of him, pleading with him to understand as I stared up into his deep green eyes. The silence was heavy in the air, and waiting for an answer or response to anything I had said would have been amazing, so I twisted my hands, waiting.

Finally, I looked down, looking anywhere but at his face. The guilt was too much.

"I just don't get why you would lie about it," Dean's gruff voice spoke finally. I glanced up, hoping to see a smile in his eyes, a twitch at the corners of his mouth that he was going to forgive me.

But nothing was there after I searched his face.

"Dean, why can't you get it?" I said, exasperated that we had to go there again about me and Edward. Standing up I walked over and began to ruffle through my bag on the bow spackled table, wondering if I should start packing. This hunt wasn't for me. I had shown the brothers the way to fight the battle; shown them their allies, but I couldn't handle it obviously. Too many missteps in the past few days. I was becoming soft around them because of my feelings for Dean. Coming face to face with an angry vampire, even an ex was a huge mistake, never carrying my weapon anymore, not having it underneath my pillow. All of those little forgetful things would end up getting me killed. So what if I was staying with the Winchesters? Everyone's gotta protect themselves and not depend on others all of the time.

"I want Edward to be dead!" I screamed, turning to Dean. I had found my flask in the bottom of my bag. Unscrewing the top I took a swig of Sailor Jerry's, it went down screaming. Lifting it to my lips again, I pulled hard on the strong liquor before yelling, "I don't want to feel my stomach twist every time I think of him. I don't want to have to live like this anymore! I'm just so sick of it all…" I cried, my legs giving way underneath my weight, what a light weight I had become. I crashed onto the floor the flask still in my hands. My free hand covering my face as I gasped for breath. All I wanted to do was curl up, never move. I had been fighting the past for four years, avoiding it, hiding it in my heart, and it was finally coming back to bite me in the ass. Renee had said never to bottle things up; it would only cause problems later on. Should have listened.

"Bella, Bella, are you all right?" Dean questioned, quickly pulling me into his arms as he knelt beside me.

"No," I moaned, trying to push him away from me. Raising the flask to my lips I chugged. God help me. Why couldn't he just understand? He didn't want me. I was only going to bore him quickly. I wasn't all right anywhere, head, heart, you name it, I wasn't good. I was hurting.

Pinning my arms to my sides, the flask tumbling to the ground, he pulled me into his lap, shushing me as I fought crying, yet again. I swear if I wasn't on my period…

"Shh," he whispered into my ear, pushing my hair behind me ear. "It'll be ok," he murmured, pressing my hair away from my face. Freeing one of my hands I twisted it into his shirt, something to hold onto.

"Dean, please," I groaned. Why was he making this so difficult for me?

"What princess? What do you need?" he murmured, breathing in my hair, my green apple lotion that he had so diligently put on this morning. Had it only been this morning that we had been so playful and full of life? Joking around and getting into some grey areas we weren't used to? It felt like it was days later, years later, and I was old and wrinkled being coddled yet again. Course, this time I probably needed it unlike at other times.

Looking out the window I saw it had grown dark, the moonbeams coming through the clouds. "Bed," I whispered, my brain finally going fuzzy after the four or five shots in two minutes. God how I wished this day was over. Picking me up bridal style Dean walked me over to the hideous bed of bows and pink. He pushed back the comforter, laying me underneath the soft silken sheets. Who would have believed it would have felt as nice as it did? If only I weren't feeling like the world was ending as I crawled into the fetal position. Perhaps I could get out of here. Leaving would cause them pain, but one day maybe they would understand. It was always an option.

"Do you want something to eat?" Dean asked before lying down with me. "You probably should." Of course he wanted me to sober up.

"No, I'm fine. Water," I murmured although I hadn't eaten in hours. Water would help with the headache I would have in the morning, even though I really didn't care. What was a little bit more pain to suffer through. Dean and Edward don't like me. Enough pain to deal with right there. "Make him go away."

"I will baby, I will," Dean answered, watching me as my eyelids became heavy from finally dealing with things that should have been dealt with years ago. Getting up Dean went to the bathroom, his footsteps the only sound in the room. The faucet came on, water going into what I could only guess was a cup for me.

"Thanks," I said after feeling the cup touch my lips. Sipping a little bit of water from the tipped up glass I smiled internally, he was being nice to me after everything. Hearing it put down I turned to look at him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, princess?" He whispered his voice next to my ear as he continued to comb through my hair.

"Missed you," I sighed, my eyes closing for the last time, sleep dragging me under.

"I missed you too, Bells."