Chapter Fourteen: Tender

Logan

April 10

It's out in the open now and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. It was easier in some ways to keep everything hidden in the shadows, sneaking about like we had some precious secret to protect; which, in a way, we did. It was easier to pretend that I had two separate lives, two separate selves, so that I wouldn't hurt one woman whenever I was with the other. It was just easier to pretend, period.

Now, however, reality had hit and there was nothing that I could hide behind. Mary Anne made it clear that she knew about Stacey and I and that it was killing her to know that the two of us were together behind her back. Stacey now knew that Mary Anne was openly against our relationship and was trying to come to terms with that new knowledge. I was right where I belong- in the middle of everything because it's basically my own fault that all of this was happening anyways.

But, how? I don't know how I managed to fall in love with two women at the same time. I was in love with Mary Anne and I never thought that anything would change the relationship that we had. I never counted on or even suspected someone like Stacey entering into our lives like she did. How could I?

Since the hospital, Mary Anne has been much more quiet and pensive than usual. She's been spending most of her free time looking out the windows or just sitting aimlessly, as though she doesn't quite know what to do with herself. I know that it's my fault that she's so depressed; after all, I'm the one who betrayed her when she needed me most. God, though, it hurts watching her just sit there. Sometimes, she'll look right up and back at me and we'll just stare at one another for a long moment before she'll get up and walk away.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I thought that we forgave one another, but she's so quiet now that I wonder if we ever said those words. I wonder how she must be feeling right now. What exactly is going on behind those emotionless eyes of hers? Is she hiding what she's feeling or is she really feeling what she seems to be feeling? Is she feeling as blank and emotionless as she looks these past few days?

And what about Stacey? I knew that she was feeling the pressure of being the "other woman" for a long time now and it was probably next to unbearable now that Mary Anne openly knew. I knew that Stacey wasn't as sensitive to other people's emotions as Mary Anne was, but I also knew that she was very sensitive to Mary Anne's emotions. She had become more attuned to my girlfriend than any other person, save perhaps myself or her own mother, and was constantly trying to please Mary Anne. Stacey was probably ready to burst into tears for the agony of knowing that she was openly hurting Mary Anne now.

I picked up the cordless phone in the kitchen, sat down at the table with a glass of Coke Cola in front of me, and dialed the first number that popped into my head. I knew that I had to talk with her. She would have the best advice for me on how to handle this. After all, she knew me better than anyone, except Mary Anne. Even Stacey didn't know me quite as well as she did.

"Hello?" she answered on the second ring. I smiled.

"Hey, Abby. It's me."

I could almost see Abby Stevenson smile in return. "Logan! I haven't heard from you in forever! How are you?"

"Well, I'd say fine, but you'd know I was lying," I told her.

"You never could lie very well, Bruno," she replied. There was a beat of silence before she went on. "How is Mary Anne?"

"That's kind of why I wanted to call you. I need to talk to you about her."

"You need relationship advice from the girl who hasn't had a relationship that's lasted more than six months since she was 23?" Abby asked incredulously.

"Well, you're doing a lot better than I am these days," I replied and took a drink of my Coke. I licked my lips, dreading having to confess something that I had kept a secret from even my best friend. "Abby, I've been having an affair with Stacey McGill and Mary Anne knows about it."

There was silence on the other side. "Abby?"

"I can't believe you," she finally whispered. "How could you do something like that to her? After what she went through? After you say that you love her so much?"

"I'm scum," I mumbled. "That's why. I'm a piece of shit."

Abby cleared her throat. "No. No, you're not. You just did a really shitty thing, Logan."

"And now I don't know what the hell to do about it," I explained. "Mary Anne knows about us. Stacey and me, I mean. But Mary Anne says that she's ready to forgive and forget and to move on with me."

Abby let out a snort. "Well, then try not to be a total ass when you do. She's being incredibly gracious and forgiving. I doubt that I'd have that kind of grace."

"I know," I groaned. "That's why this is so damn hard."

"Why?" she demanded, sounding annoyed. "What's so hard? She's ready to forgive you for doing something awful, Logan. What's so hard about that? The hard part is on her end, not yours."

"Maybe I should just come out and say that I'm in love with Stacey."

I heard what sounded like Abby slapping her forehead. I quickly took another drink of my Coke and swallowed hard several times. The line was silent for a long time.

"You love both of them?" Abby finally asked.

I nodded needlessly. "Yeah, I do. I can't help it." I closed my eyes. "What do I do, Abby? What am I supposed to do when I love both of them with all my heart?"

"You do whatever Mary Anne wants," Abby said immediately. "Don't get me wrong: I like Stacey McGill, but it's Mary Anne who you said that you were going to commit yourself to. Not Stacey. Stacey is, to be blunt, the other woman. You have to do what Mary Anne wants and what she needs because she's the one who you are going to end up with."

"Well, what about Stacey?" I protested, sounding angry to even myself. "Do I just throw her aside or something? Like a piece of used trash? I can't just shove her off like that."

"I didn't say that!" Abby snapped defensively. "What I meant was that if you really love Mary Anne, you're going to have to make that hard decision. You're going to need to make it because you love her. You still love her as much as you did before Stacey, right?"

"More," I said passionately. Abby sighed.

"Then you have to do this. I know it's hard to hear, but she needs you. You need to stop what you're doing and be there for Mary Anne."

Stacey.

"You're right," I said, feeling defeated. "You're right. I mean, I love her. I have to do this for her, don't I?"

"You do. Logan?"

"Yeah, Abbs?"

"I'm really sorry."

"Me, too."

We changed the topic and talked for a while longer. It was light and comfortable after that and neither of us had any reason to bring up the subject of Mary Anne and Stacey again. Eventually, Abby heard her boyfriend calling her in the background and told me that she had to get going. They were going to go and sign for a lease on a restaurant space that she had been looking at for a while. Apparently, Abby was interested in opening her own comedy club/restaurant. I wished her luck and we hung up.

I drummed my fingers on the table and tried to ease my racing thoughts.

I didn't know if I could follow through with the advice that Abby had given me, good as it was. I was absolutely truthful when I had told her that I was in love with Stacey and I was completely truthful when I told her that I couldn't just put her aside. I loved Stacey and I didn't know what I would do without her. I knew that I would fall apart without Mary Anne, but now that I knew what loving Stacey was, I wasn't sure if I could endure a life without her.

"Logan?"

I jumped in surprise and looked up. Mary Anne's eyebrows rose as she stared at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I was still seated at our kitchen and had been deep in thought.

"You startled me," I told her. She blinked.

"I didn't mean to," she said quietly. "I thought you heard me."

"It's no big deal," I told her quickly. I reached for her hand and was pleasantly and mildly surprised when she set it in my own. "Come on. Sit down."

"I wanted to talk to you," she said as she pulled out the chair next to mine. Before she sat down, I admired the way her honey and rose colored blouse swung around her chest and stomach and how her dark blue jeans hugged her hips and flared out ever so slightly at the bottoms of the legs. She always did know how to dress, I had to admit, and for someone who wasn't much into fashion, I admired it from the way she wore it.

I smiled at my girlfriend. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Us," she said bluntly. "And you and Stacey."

Once more, I found myself swallowing nervously. Would this be like the conversation that I had just had with Abby? Would Mary Anne ask me to put Stacey aside, too? Could I even manage to say to her face that I couldn't put Stacey aside?

"I figured that you'd want to talk about it sooner or later," I admitted. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "What do you want to talk about first?"

Mary Anne glanced down for a moment. "I need to know something first. It's… it's kind of, well, weird for me to ask this, so I'm just going to put it out there." Her eyes met mine again. "Do you love Stacey like you love me?"

I immediately shook my head and something about her seemed to relax. "Honey, you know that I don't. The way that I love you… well, there's nothing to compare it to. I could never love another woman the way that I love you. You were my first and you are my forever. There's nothing that compares to that."

"But, you do love her, don't you?" she pressed. "It's not just about the sex, is it?"

I shook my head. "No, it's not about the sex. Do you think that I would honestly risk everything I had with you if I didn't absolutely love her? Do you think I'd throw us away for sex?"

"No, of course not," she said, blushing. "I didn't mean to make you sound shallow."

I bent my head down. "God, Mary Anne, I am, though. I cheated on you. I lost my self-control and risked everything. There may never be an 'us' again because of what I did."

I heard a small moan escape her and looked up. She was biting her lip and struggling not to cry. I moved my chair quickly so that I could wrap my arms around her shoulders. She leaned against me.

"I don't know why this had to get so complicated," she whimpered. "If it had been about the sex, I would know what to do. Since it's not, this just makes everything more difficult."

"I want to be with you," I told her honestly. She turned her head to kiss me.

"I want that, too. Only…"

"I still love Stacey."

"Yes."

We both sat in silence. I watched her breathe, her chest expanding and collapsing with every breath. I reached up and slid a strand of her brown hair between my fingers. It was silky and smooth, just as I thought it would be. Just as it had always been, from the day we first met. I sighed with the thought of us having known each other for so long and having loved one another for nearly that entire length of time. It seemed like forever and now… now what would that forever mean?

She looked away. "Logan, this is very hard for me to say." My heart skipped a beat. "So, I'm just going to say it, all right?"
"Oh, God, Mary Anne, please don't," I begged, grabbing onto her hands. She winced. "Please don't say that you're breaking up with me."

To my horror, a faint smile came to her lips. "No, you big dork, I'm not breaking up with you. Calm down." I let out a breath that I hadn't been aware that I was holding. "I'm trying to tell you that I've given this a lot of thought and I can understand where you're coming from when you talk about Stacey. Well, kind of."

"You can?"

"Sure." She pulled her hands free and folded them on top of the kitchen table. "I'm in love with you, aren't I? I understand what love feels like and how hard it is to give something like that up. I'd move mountains and rivers for you, Logan, if someone asked me to. I know I would. And, now you feel this way about another woman." I ducked my head in shame. "It's OK, Logan. I can forgive you. I already have. I mean, I wish it didn't have to be this way, but sometimes love isn't always nice or easy. Sometimes, it's cruel and it makes us fall in love with people that we never wanted to fall in love with or with people who just end up hurting us." I caught her shrug out of the corner of my eye. "I fell in love a few times with some real scum bags and still loved them after I found out, so I know that the human heart doesn't always play fair. Logan, I don't know what I would do in your situation if I were you."

I laughed, but it had enough of a bitter edge on it that Mary Anne just gave me one of her thin half-smiles.

"Well, that makes two of us," I replied.

"So," she continued as though I hadn't really interrupted her flow, "I've decided that I'm going to make this a lot easier on you than I know people would tell me that you have any right to." Her hand reached across the table, caught my chin, and dragged my head up so that I was making eye contact with her. "We're going to work something out between the three of us."

"The three of us?" I asked in disbelief. I shook my head and she dropped her hand. "How-"

"You love us both? Commit to us both," she said simply. "I love you and I know that you love me, but I also know that you love her. I don't want to hurt you, so I'm not going to ask you to give her up. Maybe I'm being a perfect idiot, but that's what I'm going to do. I want to work out something that the three of us can handle. It doesn't need to be anyone else's business but ours. Does that make sense?"

I shook my head. "Maybe it will once it sinks in, but my God. Mary Anne, how can you do this?"

She suddenly let out a choked sob. "This is the only way I'm not going to lose you," she managed to get out.

I stood up and wrapped her in my arms. She sobbed against me, her entire body shaking. I rubbed her back and, as she calmed, played with her hair. Eventually, the sobs subsided and she was only sniffling against my shoulder, though she was still holding on tight, like she was scared that she would lose me. Like she had said she was scared of. I gave her a squeeze and kissed the top of her head.

"Don't worry, honey. You weren't going to lose me, no matter which way this all worked out," I assured her.

"You're only saying that."

"I wish that I were," I said. "It would be so much easier if I didn't know that my world would fall to pieces without you. As cornball-ish as that sounds."

"It is pretty syrupy, you big fairy," she teased. She wiped her face and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. "You keep giving me all these reasons to love you."

Mary Anne was in the bedroom, I knew. She had excused herself early from dinner and had walked upstairs with quiet ease. Stacey and I had a brief, hushed conversation about what it meant that she didn't seem to want to be around us. As usual, poor Stacey was convinced it was because of some horrible reason, like Mary Anne had decided that she was really not all right with the tentative agreement that she and I had made earlier in the day.

Personally, I thought that Mary Anne was just tired and worn out from such a long, draining day and had excused herself early to go upstairs to relax before she went to bed. It was typical Mary Anne and, knowing her as intimately and as long as I had, I figured that I was probably on the right track.

I decided to give my lover an hour to herself Stacey and I stayed in the living room and I concentrated on keeping Stacey as calm and at ease as was possible, given the circumstances. Ever since Teddy had gotten out of jail, Stacey had been looking over her shoulder constantly with wide, wild eyes. Granted, she didn't do it in our own home, but I could almost feel her urge to look behind her as she twisted a blanket in her hands. Gently, I rested my hands on top of hers, stilling her frantic fingers. Her huge blue eyes looked up at me questioningly.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. I brought my head down so that my forehead was bumped up against hers and she winced slightly.

"I'm worried."

"I could tell. The poor blanket."

Stacey blushed prettily and moved her head from mine, keeping her eyes lowered. "Yeah, about that… the blanket is probably going to need some therapy after the way I've been twisting it around."

"Let's hope my insurance covers blanket therapy."

"Ha ha," she remarked dryly, though I could tell by the curve of her mouth that she was beginning to feel a little bit better. "Listen, Logan, I don't know about this."

"Honey, Mary Anne and I talked about this today. We agreed that we're going to work something out so that you don't need to worry," I told her gently, leaning forward to kiss her brow. She closed her eyes and sighed. "All right?"

"I know, Logan, I do. I just don't want her to change her mind." She suddenly grabbed onto me and held me tightly like she was afraid if she let go I could disappear. "I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you."

"And, you won't," I promised her. "I will always be here for you, Stacey. You have to start having a little faith in that. In me."

She gave me a little squeeze. "I want to. I really do."

"So do."

I wrapped my arms around her when her body trembled a little and I knew that she was crying against my chest. I rubbed small circles into her back with my hands while whispering soothing nonsense into her ears until her sniffles began to subside and she moved her head to lean its side against my chest. I brushed her hair away from her face gently and heard her sigh quietly.

"It won't always be like this," she promised. "I'll get better."

"I know," I replied quietly.

We sat together in silence for a long while before Stacey shifted slightly and cleared her throat. I hugged her closer and heard her sigh contentedly. I smiled.

"Logan?"

"Yes?"

"If you had to choose…?"

"I'm not going to discuss that and you already know that," I told her gently. She nodded and we were quiet for another while. Then she sat up and snuggled against my side.

"Tell me a story," she said quietly. I glanced at her face. She looked quiet and sedate, a child looking for a bedtime story. I smiled indulgently and she returned my smile with one of her radiant ones. It was easy to see how Teddy had fallen so madly in love with this woman.

"A fairy tale?" I teased. Stacey giggled.

"No, just a story about you; something that I don't already know about." She brushed a lock of my hair back behind my ear and looked pleased when it flopped right back to where it had been. "Something uniquely and originally Logan Bruno."

"Well…" I paused to think. What could I tell her about that was appropriate and that wouldn't upset her? I had gone through a rebellious stage during high school and had done a lot of things that I shouldn't have. Stacey wouldn't have known about it because it was after I had broken up with Mary Anne and was dating Abby Stevenson. It had been rough on Abby at the time, but she had stuck by me because we both cared about one another so much. I blinked and refocused my thoughts. Something to tell Stacey about… "Well, OK. When I was fourteen, Dad and Mom took us kids to California for about two weeks during the summer."

"I don't remember that," she said, looking very interested. I smiled.

"Well, Mary Anne and I had broken up the year before and we all weren't really talking very much," I reminded her. She nodded in recollection. I went on. "Anyways, we went to California because one of my aunts got married to this rich man who decided that he wanted to live in sunny California. She packed up without a word otherwise and a few months later sent Mom a letter saying how lonely she was, away from the rest of the family. So, Mom and Dad decided to spend our vacation that summer in California since she was so homesick and missing her family."

"That's so sweet," Stacey said. "That's a nice little story."

"That's the background, honey. I haven't even gotten to the story yet."

"Oh, no," Stacey moaned with mock dread. "This isn't going to be some 'adolescent sexual free-for-all while you were in another place' story, is it?"

I let out a laugh. "No! Get your filthy little head out of the gutter!" I tickled her ribs and she let out a howl of laughter before scooting away from me, over to the far side of the couch. "Will you just let me finish?"

"Once you actually get to the story, yes, I will," she replied. I shook my head. Oh, the things that I put up with.

"All right. I'll be quiet," Stacey murmured, pretending to zip her lips, lock them then throw away the key. I grinned at her before I went on.

"We went cliff diving while we were there."

"Logan Bruno!" Stacey burst out in real shock. "You could've been killed!"

"You promised to be quiet!"

"I'm sorry, but-"

"Stace, it was over ten years ago. It's not like I'm planning on doing it again next week." She eyeballed me. "Or, ever. Even though it was amazing."

"Really? It wasn't the most terrifying event in your entire life?"

"No, that was coming home to find Mary Anne had been raped," I said softly. We were both quiet. I forced a cough. "Anyways.

"It was exhilarating. You literally feel like you're flying when you run and leap off of the cliff." Stacey's eyes slid shut and I knew that she was picturing the freedom of flying. I found myself pitying her. She just wanted to be free of all of this chaos, I knew. "Nothing is around you, not even the ground anymore and, for a moment, not even gravity seems to have any effect on you. It's just this feeling of pure and simple flight. Of course, then you start to fall and you fall fast, so fast that it presses your skin against you bones. When I opened my mouth, I could feel my cheeks flapping at the speed of the wind around me. The best part was, even as I fell faster and faster, I had no fear because I knew that the waves would catch me.

"They do, too. They completely surround you. It's like being in a huge, blue blanket of cool water. It wasn't even cold, really, not even after zipping through the air. Maybe that's because the air was so stifling when we went diving. Any how, it was amazing. I felt like nothing in the world could hurt me and when my older cousin, Hugh, pulled me out of the waves, I was almost disappointed that I couldn't stay in that underwater world."

Stacey sighed. "Sometimes, you really do tell a nice little story."

"Well, isn't that what you wanted?" I asked her sweetly, leaning towards her, pressing my hands down on the couch. She smiled.

"Yes, but before you try coming over here I want to tell you something."

I hesitated, suddenly feeling nervous. "What?"

"You need to go upstairs and be with Mary Anne," she said seriously. "You need to be with her tonight, not me. I've already kept you too long as it is."

"Am I hearing you right?" I asked in surprise.

Stacey nodded. "Yes, you are. You need to be with her tonight. She needs you right now."

"And you don't?"

"Oh, I could think of some things to do to you right now," she said in her sexy, low voice. I smiled. "But, would you just listen to me?"

"All right, I will. You don't need to get pushy," I told her. She kissed my cheek then my lips then pulled away.

"Go," she urged.

Feeling a little strange, I stood up and straightened out my cuddle-rumpled clothes. Stacey watched me and I hesitated. She shook her head.

"I'll be fine. I promise."

I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Bright and early," she chirped back and I shook my head. She grinned. "Go on, now."

I straightened back up and turned around. The walk to the stairs that led up to the second floor bedrooms (there was a second set of rather steep stairs in the house, in the back, that led directly up to the third floor) was short and I began to climb the stairs slowly, not sure what to expect when I reached my own bedroom. Every step was cautious, as though I was waiting for something bad to happen. Nothing did, of course, but I still hesitated before opening the door to the bedroom I shared with Mary Anne.

She was reading when I opened the door. Her reading glasses were perched on her nose and her brown hair was bundled up in a loose bun on top of her head. She was wearing the dark green satin teddy that I had bought for her last summer with a pair of fuzzy gray slippers on her feet. She glanced up from her book when I entered the room and smiled.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hi," I replied. "How are you?"

"I'm doing good," she answered. She sat up and set the book on the nightstand, still leaving her glasses on. "How are you?"

"Good." I glanced around the room. This was awkward. I had hoped to avoid this, but maybe it just wasn't possible to avoid. "Listen, Mary Anne-"

"Wait," she interrupted quickly. "Let's not talk about this, all right? Can we just pretend it's just the two of us tonight? Can we just have a normal, regular night?" Her eyes searched my face pleadingly. "Please?"

I nodded and climbed onto the end of the bed. My weight sunk it down. "Yeah, I'd like that."

She patted the area of the bed that I normally slept in. "Come over here."

I obeyed. I crawled over and sat next to her, watching her face for whatever cues I could go on. Right now, she was easy to read. She smiled shyly.

"I've missed you," she told me quietly. I nodded. God, how I had been missing her. "I really have."

"I believe you, M-A," I replied. Her lips parted as though she was about to say something, but she remained silent. I studied her closely then swallowed. I didn't realized just how much I had missed her, up until right then. I reached out and touched her bottom lip with my thumb. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment before she opened them wide to stare at me, her breathing quickly hastening. I heard a soft moan and realized a moment later that it was me. "I want you."

"I want you, too," she whispered.

I pressed my lips to hers hungrily and felt her press eagerly back. Her mouth opened to mine and my eyes fell shut as our tongues touched. I cradled the back of her head with my hand and rested the other on the bed for support. I crawled over her and she leaned back, resting on her elbows for support.

We parted for air and Mary Anne fell back against the pillows, away from me. I watched as her arms straightened out and her hands reached down to grasp my belt. Quickly, I began to cover her throat in feather light kisses as she began to undo the latch on my belt and followed by unzipping my pants.

"Mary Anne," I moaned softly.

She arched her back as I cupped her breast through the thin fabric of her teddy. Her hands stumbled in their task of bringing my pants down and I smiled against her throat. I squeezed and she gave a small gasp.

"Logan," she whimpered. "No."

I immediately brought my face up to hers and moved my hands to smooth the hair around her face.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"I… I'm all right," she said in a shaking voice. "Keep going. I want to keep going."

"Are you sure?"

She answered with a deep kiss, bringing her hands up to lace her fingers into my hair. She didn't release me until my head was spinning from the lack of air and I grinned down at her.

"Just tell me if we need to stop," I told her. "All right?"

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

After that, we managed to make relatively quick work of my clothes and her white cotton panties. She had seemed a little nervous about removing the teddy, so we both wordlessly agreed that it should be left on. Then there we both lie, me hesitating above her body as she suddenly began to tremble.

"Baby, we don't have to do this," I whispered. "It's all right."

"It's not all right," she hissed angrily. I winced. "It's not all right, Logan. It's not all right that this is happening."

"Honey, I know, but I don't think you should push yourself too fast." I started to roll over but she grabbed my arm and held on firmly. I looked down into her eyes and was surprised by the fierce expression in them.

"I want to do this. I don't care," she said. "I need to do this, Logan. Please."

She ground her hips up against me and I couldn't help but groan in response. I closed my eyes and nodded.

"I'll go slowly, all right?"

"Yes," she agreed.

Using my hand to help guide me, I lined myself up against her warm body and felt another tremor rush through her. I almost pulled back and refused to do what we both needed, but I managed to convince myself that this was what Mary Anne really was ready for, whether or not I wanted to accept it.

I pushed in slowly, pausing whenever she let out a whimper or moan of pain. I opened my eyes and could tell that she was frightened at the same time that she was desperately needing me by the strange emotions crossing over her beautiful face. I stroked her cheek and eventually was all the way in. Mary Anne clutched at my wrist and stared up at me.

"We need to change position," she whispered. "I… don't pin…"

I immediately understood and wrapped one arm underneath her back and used the other to push myself up until I was resting on my knees with my butt on the heels of my feet. Mary Anne wrapped her legs around me and rested her hands on my shoulders. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

"I'm ready now," she managed to whisper. "I'm ready."

I nodded and we slowly began to move. After a minute or so, Mary Anne's eyes fell shut, her mouth opened slightly, and her head tilted back a little. Unable to resist the clean line of her neck, I began pressing kisses to her throat. She moaned and tilted her head back further to allow me more access. I kissed and licked gently from her throat down to her collarbone, reveling in the taste of her. I had missed this taste. It had only been months, but it felt like decades since I had been this close, this entirely intimate, with her.

"Mary Anne," I murmured against her skin. She nodded and brought her chin back down towards her chest. She threaded her fingers into my hair.

"I love you," she said quietly. "Oh, Logan… Logan, I love you…"

I kissed her deeply in response and began to increase my speed. She gasped into my mouth which ordinarily would've only sped me up more; since I was hyper cautious and on the lookout for any sign of danger, I restrained myself. I knew that the very worst thing that I could do right now was betray her trust in some way. Whether that be by moving too quickly or just not sensing any sign that she was starting to feel panic or fear, it didn't matter. All I knew was that I needed to make this as pleasant and as meaningful an experience for her as possible. Already, it was turning out to be both without much effort on my part.

We continued to move like this for a long time, slowly increasing our speed until we were moving fast enough that we were both breathing hard and clutching at one another for support. There was a thin sheen of sweat on both of our bodies and Mary Anne's hair was damp with it. I could feel myself building to an end and tried to focus myself on her.

I didn't want to finish too far before she did; in fact, I wanted to try and finish at the same time as she did. Stacey and I had climaxed at the same time as one another many times, but Mary Anne and I never seemed to line up. It was something of a mystery to us, something that we had jokingly tried to fix before the rape. Back then, sex could be a joke- now, for a long time, at least, I don't think that it could be.

Mary Anne's breath hitched in her throat and her body grew stiff. Her eyes fluttered back open and she stared into mine with urgency.

"Logan, oh! God, Logan, please," she begged. I began raining kisses down on her cheeks, nose, chin, forehead, anything on her face I could get. She dropped her hands from my hair down to wrap around my back. I could feel her holding onto me with a desperate cling. "Please, God. Oh!"

Her urgent begging broke my self-control. Unable to help myself, I moved upwards faster and harder, pressing against her body with every thrust. I closed my eyes tightly shut and lost myself in the moment.

I heard myself cry out her name before I collapsed backwards, completely spent.

A few moments later, I found myself able to refocus my mind and looked up at the woman resting on my chest. Her brown hair had fallen around her face, sticking to her cheeks and neck in places. Her own chest was heaving from effort and her brown eyes were shielded by her lightly brown shadowed eyelids. Her eyelashes were long and resting on her flushed cheeks. I reached up and touched one of those cheeks. Her eyes opened slowly.

"Mary Anne?" She nodded slowly. "Are you… all right?" She nodded again then bent down to kiss me.

"Thank you," she murmured against my lips. "I missed you so much."

I wrapped my arms around her in a protective hug and kissed her back. "I love you, M-A."