Author's Note: Weh. Hi. Lol. I don't have a lot to say. But thank you for taking the time to read this! I'm kind of blown away by the number of hits each day when I update. I really am. I'm like, "Whoaaaaa." Because it's just like I'm uploading it for the first time. And that's pretty incredible. So thank you. :)

Continuing on my quest for clarity, I lost track of time, not even taking notice to the thinning population as the usual Saturday night crowds began to move off of the streets. Not surprising since, glancing up to find myself on the edges of Ikebukuro, I was traveling into a small section of the city with a bad reputation. This place was home to the junkies, the alcoholics, and the mentally disturbed. How did my legs lead me here?

Paranoia settled in as eyes shot daggers through my skin. In comparison to these people, I was in pretty good health, unable to tear my eyes away from a crack addict tweaking in an alley, or two young girls hiding beneath the hoods of their sweaters as they lit a fresh joint. Up ahead, a schizophrenic nervously paced back and forth, muttering to the voices in his head, cradling a bottle in his arms. Their eyes said I didn't fit in here. My sunken heart wished to argue.

I fit right in, like a pawn to a chess board.

I was no different. Maybe Shizuo's clean shirt on my back, or the missing dirt from my face, said otherwise. Maybe it was in the way I kept my head down… but I knew… I could feel it weighing heavy on my heart… I probably belonged. Even if I didn't, trying could be a quick skip to finally dying.

Any danger I could throw myself into in that part of town had to have been better - easier - than processing the many thoughts and emotions butting heads in my brain. I felt like these emotional overloads were causing more of my problems than the suspicious eyes on this street.

Thinking back to seeing Mikado and Kida, I wondered what it took to get them to find that love of theirs. They didn't need to tell me anything. Their glee danced in their eyes. Their innocent love radiated in their cheeks. What was it… How was it… Two boys whose lives had been thrown into a blender by my sadistic "playtime" came out strong enough to achieve love. Despite the conflict birthed between them, both students… both leaders… were the happiest I had ever seen anyone.

Could Shizuo and I have been that way…?

No.

I shook my head at the thought.

When I tore down Kida Masaomi and Ryuugamine Mikado they were best friends. So of course it's possible that the rough trials only pushed their blossoming love. Shizuo and I… we were different. He had no reason to like me, much less love me. Our actions were spur of the moment. Always quick impulses leading to the utmost regret… There was no love. I was void of love. Whatever this relationship of ours symbolized… whatever breed of relationship it was… had I been myself Shizuo would still hate me. It was only when I became harmless that he did, too.

So what if… What if I returned to the old Orihara Izaya? What then? How could Shizuo's feelings not revert back to the way they were when my world was light?

Shizuo could never love me… he could never need me…

Simon had a lot to say; yet, at the end of our conversation, he had no idea what he was talking about.

My life was a disaster. I was an easy target. Nothing more.

"Hey!" a gruff voice snagged my attention.

I whipped my head around for my eyes to fall on a junkie, sitting amongst piles of garbage. I couldn't help but stare at him for a moment as he took a swig of booze before preparing his next fix.

"Hnn?" barely aware of my minor sound effect, I responded to the action.

"What?" he crinkled his brows. "You're sober and you look more fucked up than I do."

That bad? Ashamed of a lowlife looking straight through me, my eyes fell to my feet. Before now, I hadn't realized that my legs were trembling… Sore and exhausted from a long day on the streets. Tch. I wasn't used to walking anymore.

Trying to keep my cool, I glanced back at him with a false smirk. "Probably," I said.

"Bullshit that smile all you want, boy."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Need a fix?" he asked, holding out a freshly loaded syringe, needle, and all.

Panic filled my head for a few seconds. Temptation kicked it out. As if on autopilot, my left hand reached out, trembling noticeably. Was I really going to - NO. Snapping my arm back to my side, I stared at the man incredulously, more disappointed in myself than the offer. What would Shizuo do if -

I shook my head, somewhat eagerly. "No. Thank you, but I couldn't."

He let out a low chuckle. "Good. You're better off not ending up like this."

"I'm better off dead…" the thought accidentally slipped off my tongue.

"Maybe," he nodded, as fully unaware of my story as I was of his. "But it's not too late for you to turn around."

Taking the comment both literally and figuratively, I watched his eyes fade into his high as he plunged the needle into his arm and shot up on the liquid drug. Like that, he was gone into a better world.

I turned away, leaving the rundown street as quickly as I could. From there, I didn't stop walking until I came across an empty park. The area wasn't much better than the last, but it was empty… quiet… still…

With my legs screaming for a break from my misadventure, I took a seat on an old, creaky swing to continue working with my thoughts. However this ordeal turned out, I knew I never wanted to become the drug addict buried in garbage. In fact, even if I decided not to pull through with my suicide mission, I swore that I'd put a bullet through my brain, or a noose around my neck, before I ever let myself become… that… Not that my decisions were much better…

Who was the one who overdosed on pills and alcohol? Who was the one who tried to jump off of a fifteen story building? Who was the one starving himself? Who was the one… the one who got so intertwined in a stupid thing called "the moment" that he slept with his mortal enemy?

Oh, wait. That was me.

Staring up at the full moon, I allowed the slow burn of tears to coat my eyes with their remorse, wondering if it would be the last full moon I'd ever see. At the rate I was traveling, I'd be dead before suicide was even an option. I'd die of my own broken will first.

Damn it… Why couldn't I just get it over with? What kept me tied to this world despite my disdain?

As I watched a motionless sky, I failed to realize velvety black shadows filling the park with their gentle touch, until the glow of the moon glinted against an out of place yellow helmet. I jolted slightly at the sight of the Black Rider standing in front of me. Her body language was an open book to her nervousness as she approached. Glancing past several yards behind her, I discovered Shizuo standing awkwardly beside the road, avoiding eye contact as he put out a half-smoked cigarette in the palm of his hand.

Whipping out her PDA, Celty typed a message, shoving the screen in my face before I could greet them.

[We've been looking everywhere for you. All day. We thought something horrible happened!]

Frowning, I turned my gaze in the opposite direction. What was there to be said?

A sharp sting swept across my cheek. Jumping slightly at the surprising contact, I shot her a glare. To which she replied with another message typed on her screen.

[Where have you been?]

"Ah…" I scratched the back of my head. "Where haven't I been?"

[Not funny.]

"I'm not being funny," I shot.

Celty's shoulders dropped. [It was terrifying… Shizuo thought you were dead.]

I shook my head. "No… Thought about it…" And I made a stupid decision to take a more honest approach to the conversation. "Considered shooting up, too."

Sliding her PDA back into her shadow, the headless woman grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. I interpreted the action as her way of trying to knock some sense into me without doing any… knocking. Plucking her hands from my shoulders, I took them in mine, holding them gently between my fingers. Without looking up, I heaved a sigh.

For a moment, we stayed in awkward silence; Shizuo quietly observing by the sidewalk. What was there to say to her? So many times I had handed her money for cruel jobs that weren't worth her time. I frightened her with my evil plotting. I used her… and worst of all… I had stolen her most important piece. So when she slid her hands out of mine and jumped into wrapping her arms around me, pulling me close into her torso, there was no helping my tiny gasp.

Frozen by sheer surprise, I didn't see Shizuo leave his spot on the cement to come sit beside me in an open swing.

Releasing me from her ever-loving arms, Celty had another go at her PDA.

[I think I'll leave from here. You two have much to talk about on your own.]

She summoned a black blanket from her shadow and draped it around my shoulders before walking back to her bike. She disappeared into the night with the disguised horse shrieking its unique sound as they went. Shizuo and I waited until she was long out of sight and sound before turning our attention on each other. Awkward tension loomed in the late night air, bringing an unnatural chill to hover amongst us. I watched Shizuo rock back and forth in his swing, staring at his feet. He was trapped in deep thought once again. I hoped he wasn't waiting for me to interrupt him. For I wasn't sure where to begin.

"I had a feeling you'd be gone…" he kicked off the conversation so that I wouldn't have to.

"Why's that?" I briefly glanced in his direction.

"Because the idea of it being a reality scares the crap out of you."

"…"

"I get that it isn't easy, Izaya… but…"

"What?"

"Have you… ever taken into consideration that taking the hard road is probably more rewarding than taking the exit?"

"Wouldn't know," I chose the cynical road. "I don't have car."

Shizuo emitted a low growl. "Izaya… I'm serious."

Holding the blanket tightly around my shoulders I could see this being a very long, open, honest, dreadful conversation. He was putting his foot down for the last time.

This time, don't need another perfect lie

Don't care if critics ever jump in line

I'm gonna give all my secrets away

All my secrets away, all my secrets away