GOD SAVE THE ESTEEM
Ep 14: Splatoon

The History, Language Arts, and Science classes of two grades were going on a field trip to Jim's Paintballing Jungle: hours upon hours of crawling around in mud and wiping your bum with leaves while everyone would try to shoot you in the face. Luckily for Daria, Li required their parents to sign a twelve-page waiver (in triplicate) that would keep Lawndale High free from culpability if any injury, up to and including having a paintball gun fired directly down their throat, occurred.

And that was the ultimate out.

"Hey, Mum – there's this form school wants you to sign-"

Helen looked at the document like it was a dead rat, then grabbed it, pulled out a lighter, and set it on fire.

"Fuck their rules and regs! Fuck 'em!"

"The slogan is still 'wouldn't piss on him if they were on fire', right?" asked a worried Daria.

"Oh come on, Daria, those stains never come out of the carpet," she said, dropping the fiery papers into the bin (setting fire to all the rubbish). "Was there anything else?"

"No, but I think there will be soon," said her daughter, looking at the rising smoke.

Quinn ran past into the kitchen, pausing only to yell: "Oh yeah, Mum, I just forged your signature on some shit, so I'll be out shooting the cheerleaders in the face on Thursday."

"That's nice, honey. By the way, have either of you girls heard from your cousin Erin? I have no idea if she's in for dinner or not."

"But mother, why on Earth would she want to avoid our company?"

The smoke alarm began to go off. From upstairs came a great scream of: "Oh god, the air raid sirens! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THE MAN FINALLY DID IT DAMN THEM TO HELL!"

In Andrew Landon's office, the most unlikely mid-coitus words were uttered:

"Accept trickle-down theories, bitch! Accept them!"

"Trickle-down is correct! Trickle-down is correct! Ohhhh-"

Then a ringing phone spoiled the mood, more so when a terrified Andrew said into it: "Oh hi, honey! No, no, I'm sorry, work's on top of me again…"

Erin, below Andrew, tried to pretend she couldn't hear anything. (She'd been trying that at the Morgendorffers ever since she'd moved in but it hadn't worked yet.)

Trendee's was indeed trendy: the hip, happening club for hip, happening kids with money. So of course, since 2008 it had been hanging on to life by a thread with massive cuts being made to everything and two attempted suicides by the owner. Sandi's war council stood out like a sore thumb because it was a group of more than three people, but she couldn't hold a meeting in a coffee shop or, worse, that club with the Z name.

"I want to thank you all for coming," she said, surveying the gathered girls from the head of the table (a round table, but she thought of it as the head). "You all know the problem we face."

"Um, not really," squeaked Brittany. "That's why we came here, to find out why we were coming here."

"That could have been worded better, but she's essentially correct," said Jodie. "You've been acting mysterious about the whole thing."

"Like, a sense of drama adds to the mood." Sandi cleared her throat. "All of seven of you are important players in Lawndale's upper hierarchy-"

"We're really popular," explained Angie to Brittany.

"-and we all have a vested interest in it staying as it is. Especially you, Tori."

The shapely blonde Tori Jericho nodded. "I don't want to have to redo all my popularity pie charts." She wasn't joking.

"And right now, we have, like, a total threat to the established order."

The girls leaned in.

"Daria Morgendorffer is dating Tom Sloane."

There was a pause.

"Who?" asked Siobhan, a brunette senior in the track team (nicknamed "Chipmunk" for her two hair buns that resembled ears, but not to her face).

"Sloane as in the Sloanes?"

"Oh, him." She scratched her head. "And…"

"That brain with the glasses and the green-"

"Good Christ, I see what you mean!" She looked absolutely terrified. "This is bad. Very bad."

Jodie looked around the table with annoyance. "I'm sorry, this is it? I'm missing Glenn Beck to hear everyone freak out because one misanthrope is dating another misanthrope? This is stupid."

"A rich misanthrope," said Tori, as if discussing North Korea's nuclear arsenal. "He has some social weight to him. And if he starts taking her to high-class social events, goes with her to Chez Pierre, buys her some proper clothes… God, she should become sort-of popular. Or worse, it'll stop that sort of thing being a popular thing! And then the unpopular will think they're as good as the popular! Oy vey!"

"Daria's got a boyfriend?" exclaimed Brittany happily. "Wow! Good for her, maybe it'll make her start smiling."

Angie gently asked Brittany to get her a drink, then turned to the others once she was gone and said: "Okay, I'll represent the cheerleaders from now on."

"Excellent," said Sandi. "We need to put Daria in her place before it is too late. We have to scare her away from Tom."

Jodie got out of her seat and walked off, muttering "how did you even get my cell number?".

Flowing-haired shapely Winona, representing the drama and music students who weren't losers, muttered: "The paintball on Thursday. We'll all be armed – except Chipmu-"

"What?"

"-except Siobhan, who's not in that grade – and so will our friends. We can ambush and obliterate Daria. Show her what she's up against."

Sandi smiled, a dreadful sight. "Excellent, Winona. Just what I was thinking."

"You were not," snorted Angie.

"This Thursday, we show her. We show that brain what happens when you don't stick to your place…"

"So you're not coming with?" asked Jane, as the Lawndale students headed for the bus.

"Nah, no permission," said Daria, smiling. "Looks like a day at the school library without any human contact for me."

Oh darn, thought Sandi.

"So it's decided," growled Quinn. "No matter what teams we're in, we form a third faction and paint the shit out of everyone else."

At the back of the bus, the Maleficent Eleven swore their agreements on a copy of a tattoo magazine.

No English class meant self-study. That meant going into the library on her own and reading whatever she wanted. Daria, deciding to stretch herself, had got the library copy of Ulysses (never touched by student hands) and was making a go of it. Partway through the first chapter, she started to take notes.

"Only oneof us is walking away unread this time," she told it.

This is great. I wonder how Jane and Tom are doing?

"Okay, so let's say it's Mack's turn," said Kevin loudly. "He says, "I never went steady with two people at the same time." And then Tom, if you never went steady with two people at the same time, then you don't take a drink."

"We're on a bus," said Tom. "All we have to drink is the grease in Upchuck's hair."

" But I, like, havegone steady with two people at the same time, so I do take a drink. Get it?"

Brittany snapped round, her nostrils flaring.

" Um... uh... I mean..."

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens!" said Angie desperately, trying for the girl's 'off switch'.

As the bus passed another sign advertising The Great White Shark, Jane pressed her face against the window.

"Jaws why have you forsaken me?"

At lunch, Daria sat at the Fashion Club's table and deliberately put her boots on one of the seats. After a few second's thought, she scribbled "an unpopular girl was here" on the table in neat handwriting.

Even the food was marginally more edible.

"This is the best day of school ever," she said to the half-empty canteen. "I wonder if Quinn's turned on anyone yet?"

Upchuck gargled in pain as a paintball went into his mouth.

"Right flank attack, bearing 300 degrees!"screamed Brittany, taking cover behind a tree. "Barch, Jane: break and fire on my signal! Tom, Andrea, back to flag and conceal to support Joey – Nikki, clear shellshock victims!"

Nikki nodded and began to roll the weeping, foetal-position O'Neill off the battlefield.

"BREAK BREAK!"

Brittany and her two soldiers fired off a series of irregular bursts in a triangulated position, being rewarded by someone yelling "OW!". As she fired, the commander ran through the scenario: most of Red Team had dispersed into two-man groups with a random spread, ready to harass and wear down Blue Team, with a three-prong consolidation around Blue Flag to begin within the next hour. She'd known Blues would reach Red Flag and was prepared for that, but thisfast? Something else had to be going on...

Back at the flag, its three defenders crouched behind its rock, Andrea stood up and shot both boys in the general groin area ("OW!"), grabbed the flag, and ran off with it.

"Infiltration!" screamed Brittany. "Jane, intercept run!"

"Moo hoo ha ha."

"AAHHHHH HA HA HAAAAAA!"roared DeMartino as he fired two paintball guns at once. He'd been hit twice but hadn't noticed yet.

Mack tried to provide covering fire, and glared down at the girls next to him. "Uh, help?"

"Please, this outfit is new," sniffed Sandi.

"We're not endangering ourselves for your war!" screamed Winona, with admittedly superb dramatic delivery. "No more of that, you blood-steeped puppet masters! No more!"

"What she said, I guess." Sandi sighed. "We came this close to getting Daria. Now we're going to have to think of something else, and god not anothermeeting..."

"What now?" asked Mack.

"Tt. We're not talkingto you."

"If only we could do it some other time," said Winona, hands pressed together. "After all, if we'd done it here, she could fire back, but..."

Sandi began to smile. "Just what I was thinking too, Winona dear. I have a—" She glared at Mack, who was staring at them. "Guh, you are so RUDE!"

The boy would have replied but he was hit from a new angle by paint. The girls looked in horror to see Quinn and Shaggy had outflanked their position and had them locked.

"I surrender! This outfit is new!"

Quinn immediately fired.

"And now it's written like a play script." Daria glared at the book. "If you want to disorient me, you're going to have to try harder than that. I'm around my family on a daily basis. This suitor is going to eat your food and get away with it, Ulysses."

It was raining outside but she was toasty and warm indoors. Soon, the school would end and then it'd be back home for microwave pizza and Sick, Sad World. What a great day.

Both Red and Blue Team had united to retake the 'Hanoi Hilton', the only piece of shelter in the whole damn Paintball Jungle. (There were some tents but someonehad nicked them) But with the Maleficent Eleven in a well-defended position, things were going badly.

"You're only making this hard on yourselves!" yelled Principal Li. "If you behave yourselves and cease this now then-"

She was coated from head to toe.

"I trusted you, damn it!" screamed Barch, firing at close range on the monstrous and smugly dry Dave, her mind's eye elsewhere entirely. "Two decades of legal slavery and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps! A pair of pumps!"

Unnoticed in the back, Stacy moved her gun from one side to the other as she became increasingly confused about whose side she was on. (With both personalities in conflict, she finally went with her third personality and then started to hyperventilate because this wasn't Oakwood how did she get here)

"Time for a frontal charge!" yelled Kevin. "YAAAAAH-" and then he slipped on a puddle and fell over.

In the Hilton, Andrea barked: "I'm out!" Then she punched Koichi and took his gun. "I'm okay now!"

"I want to seeeeee ANAR-CHY!" cheered Quinn, spattering Jeffy. "Hey, Shaggy, betcha I can get a headshot on Tom there!"

Shaggy replied only with a strangled gasp; when Quinn turned to look, the slacker was falling to his knees, red trickling down his throat. Behind him, a red-tipped paintbrush in hand – and how did she get into the first floor?– was a blonde-pigtailed figure of death.

"HiiiiiiiYAAA!"

"Did Obama startthe birthers... to cover up his origins in a hippy commune cloning lab? Transgressive progressives, now on Sick, Sad World!"

Daria sighed happily. All she needed now was to learn that Li had only three months to live.

"Well, that was fun," said Tom to his sister as they neared the buses.

"SHUT UP AND DIE."

And that was really fun, he thought.

As the paint-splatted, rain-soaked Elsie squelched towards the bus, Sandi got behind her and muttered: "So, El-sie, how quickly can you get your hands on some of these paintball guns?"

Elsie saw those gang people, 'Burnout Girl' and Dave, lurching to the bus, and said to them: "Sixty bucks if you steal the paintball guns."

Burnout and Dave immediately headed back to the Jungle.

"In about ten minutes," she told Sandi.

"There's a Doggie Heaven… but is there a Doggie Purgatory?A Sick, Sad World panel discussion, coming up next!"

Daria lounged back in the sofa with her bowl of Doritos. Behind her, ignored, the paint-wracked and rain-struck figure of Quinn entered the house, screaming: "It's so unfair! I can't wash this out without washing the hair dye out too!"

"Awwww. How dare they fight back when attacked."

"Shut up, Daria," said Quinn in a blaze of wit.

"So the paintball trip was-"

"—A TOTAL DISASTER!" roared DeMartino, punching the school wall in fury. "OW MY HAND!"

"Like I ever expected anything different!" sneered Barch. "That's what happens when a mantries to oversee a school trip!"

"The INSTIGATOR of the PAINTSHED was a WOMAN! And YOU failed TOO, you VACUOUS HARPY!"

"Testosterone-addled aging failure!"

"NOBODY is using the JANITOR'S CLOSET!"

"You disgust me!" Pause. "Well come on, then!"

Mack had agreed to walk his girlfriend Angie home, which was normal. His silence… well, that wasn't normal. It wasn't the right kind of silence, where he wasn't entirely sure what to say that she'd 'get'. This was the silence when someone was wondering whether to press that red button.

"So… Angie…"

"I found the paintball gun somewhere else!" she lied loudly.

He looked at her, confused. "What paintball gun?"

"…er. I don't know?"

"Never mind. So I overheard Sandi Griffin and Winona talking about doing something to Daria Morgendorffer, and I was wondering you had any idea what's going on there."

"Oh, that's easy," she said, happy to have a simple answer to give. "A bunch of us are going to get together and attack her later tonight. Y'know, over that whole 'dating a Sloane' thing."

When Mack spoke again, it was in a low, deliberate tone: "You're not joking."

"Erm, no?"

"And why are you doing this."

"Oh Mack, you're so dumb sometimes. Unpopular girl dating rich guy? Unpopular girl dating rich guy? Geez, let's just say everyone's equal and be done with it, like that guy… erm… y'know, the Marx brother who had a huge beard?"

The silence was unnerving her.

"What?"

"Right!" barked Siobhan, jabbing at the twilight-lit park with her paintball gun. "If we hide between these bushes here and here, by emerging we can cut off Whatsername from retre-"

Sandi glared. "And excuse me, but who put youin charge?"

"Well, I'm older than you."

"But you're wearing stretch pants."

"Whoa, Sandi's right!" said Winona. "Sorry, Shiv."

"They're leggings!"

"Bitch, please," said Elsie Sloane, "that excuse is older than glam rock."

"Yeah, and nobody would like glam rock! Ahahaha!" laughed Winona nervously.

Before anyone could ask why she was nervous, Angie arrived. Her eyes were red and her breathing hoarse, and none of the other girls was sure if they should say something.

"Can we just dothis?" she said, angry and bitter.

Daria walked into the kitchen, allegedly for food but really to hear the conversation between Brian and Helen:

"So, erm… the exam asked a few trickyquestions about real estate law, and…"

"Ha! Blood-sucking, fascist bastards, creating a legal system that benefits the rich and themselves!"

Brian, hurriedly scribbling notes: "Wait, how do you spell 'Fascist'?"

"F-A…"

Daria's phone rang. Immediately she exited the kitchen – her first instinct was that Grandma Barksdale was calling, and she could not, wouldnot, take that call in her mother's presence and risk the same horror as before.

To her surprise, the call was from a number she didn't recognise.

"You've reached the offices of Professionals Incorporated: if you want someone's leg broken, please press one. For a general beating, press two. For contract killings-"

"Daria?" asked the suspicious voice of Elsie Sloane. "Your voice mail is weird-"

"Hi, Elsie. Aren't you slumming it by calling here?"

"Obviously. But… look, I need to talk to you, it's about Tom. Can you get to the park within half an hour?"

She sighed. "Fine."

She hung up before the conversation could go on any longer (Tom, if I find out she got my number from your phone…), and the instant she did the house phone rang. Her cousin Erin answered it, and quickly passed it to Daria, saying it was for her: a guy called Mack.

"Daria, listen: some of the girls are planning to ambush you, and I'm not joking about that. They're going to ambush you and do something to – I can't believe I'm saying this – stop you dating Tom."

There was a long few seconds before she replied: "I see."

"I know Angie's involved, and Sandi Griffin, and Winona—"

"Mack. You're talking to me."

"The Drama Club head."

"See last sentence."

"She's the lead in school plays and gets on any posters?"

"Let's pretend I know this. Go on."

"That's all I know. They don't plan it at school, so if there's any odd calls-"

"I see." Pause. "Thank you, Mack."

"You don't deserve it, and I won't abide it. See you around."

She hung up.

After another pause, she turned to Erin: "You're going out in the next twenty minutes to… wherever you go this time of the night half the time, right?"

"It's somewhere innocent!"

"Can you give me a lift to the park? I'd walk there, really, but I have a few calls I have to make."

"Why are we here already when Daria isn't going to be for another half hour?" asked Tori Jericho.

"Because shut up, that's why," said Elsie.

Brittany was amazed when Daria called, assuming the girl had used "your brain brains to hack the phones or something!"

"Yes, using a complex program called the phone book," said Daria. "Listen: who, in your view, are the most popular girls in school?"

"You don't know?"

"I'm unpopular. I'm... thinking of being slightly more popular?"

"Oh wow! Um, I'm not sure if you canbe, Daria, but I'm happy to help! Well, let's see, there's me and the other cheerleaders..."

Daria took notes for a good ten minutes, muttering "aha" every so often before finishing up the call. Next, she called in on Jane:

"How long would it take you to reach the park? Uh-huh. Well there's a few things I need you to set up..."

Her last act was to check through the phonebook again, do a few Googles, and add to her notes. The job done, she went out and joined Erin at her car.

"What's this trip for, anyway?" asked Erin. "Romantic night out with Tom?"

"Nah, that's tomorrow night. We're going to the pharmacy to read out loud all the side-effects and disclaimers on the pills."

"Oh. Sounds... fun!"

"Any plans yourself?" After hearing no reply, Daria added: "You do seem to be out a lot when he isn't."

"Brian and I are very happy together," said Erin, like she was reciting something from rote. "The wedding will be great."

"That's truly convincing, Erin."

"So I heard Skylar's going out with Brooke—"

"No! No!"

"Well, she does put out really easily, I heard—"

"Oh, not a big thing then."

"You should see the senior year, everyone who isn't popular is putting out. Even the fatgirls."

"And that works?"

"Wait, I can see her coming!"

As Daria reached the agreed rendezvous point, Elsie made herself visible. Once Daria was near enough, the other five girls stepped out and encircled her, guns drawn.

"Move against the tree," said Sandi, low and threatening. "We want to avoid sprayback on ourselves."

"So, really, there's an incentive to stand right h-"

Siobhan grabbed Daria by the arm and almost threwher into the tree.

"Now I see whyyou want this girl taken care of, rich guy or no rich guy," she spat. "Mouthy bitch, ain't she?"

"This is a bad time to mention those hairbuns make you look like a chipmunk then."

"That's IT"

Sandi pushed Siobhan's gun back down. "In a second. Ms Daria, did you really think you could get away with it? Getting above your place?"

"Let me stop you right there," said Daria, taking a sheet of paper from her jacket pocket. "Now then, uh... Siobhan Hogan, right? Senior class, visually distinctive, someone I realised I'd seen before at the cinema selling the tickets?"

"You know I work a night job. Whoooo."

"Specifically, I'd seen you before on this very night, two weeks ago. Now you could be on a new shift pattern but I called them up pretending to be looking for you and was told you were off sick. I'm sure they'd be glad to hear of your miraculous recovery. Hmmm, I spoke too soon, you've started to go pale from something."

Daria went down her list. "And... er, Winona? Big player in the drama club circles according to my sources, lots of kudos, lots of extra credits for your college app, and lots of love from... oh yes, Mr O'Neill who runs the Drama department. Sadly, Mr O'Neill also fixates on me due to Language Arts, so if I told him about tonight he'd likely believe me and then..."

"Oh just shoot!" yelled Angie.

"Wait!" Tori looked worried.

"Good move, um... Tori, I think? Anyway, according to my research you have a blog, which means computer skills, which means if someone suggested you were involved in the Lawndale Leaks website Ms Li would come down on you like an overweight middle-aged woman. That's a joke. She wouldn't be able to prove anything, but it would slip out and the news would make you popular... with nerds."

Tori dropped the gun with an anguished cry.

"Oh, and Angie, there's clearly no way Brittany is involved with this and she wouldn't be very happy if she knew. You've already lost Mack and I don't think you want to risk losing cheerleading as well, do you."

The girl trembled and for a brief second looked like she was about to fire, but then settled.

"Now Elsie..."

"You think I care if you tell Tom? Or that my parents would believe a word of it? Because that's all you'vegot on me."

"I'll help set things up so my dad can visit your dad and they can drink together when your mother's out."

"You wouldn't."

Daria did not smile so much as show teeth, a sight that reminded everyone of a shark zeroing in. "I enjoy being on the outside and not part of your world. I am also lazy and willing to ignore you all. I'm also very, very intelligent and can be quite vindictive, and I would suggest you lay down your arms and walk away."

Siobhan dropped her gun first, muttering that it wasn't worth it; Tori sped off, Elsie slunk away with a look of revulsion; Angie threw hers to the ground with a scream and stormed off where nobody could see her. And that left one very angry Sandi Griffin.

"You haven't got anything on me," she said, gun aimed at Daria's centre. "Your little brain tricks won't work. And for thishumiliation, I am going to do you in myself and put you through as much pain as possible until you stop seeing Tom."

"You're right, Sandi. You have no job, no actual peer in your club, no teacher is on your side, your parents wouldn't be bothered, and no one will confuse you for having skill. You truly have it made. So in your case, I had to change my tactics a little-"

"DARIAAAAA!"

Running down the pathway came Jane, a Super-Soaker clutched in her hands; Sandi stared in shock for a few seconds and then fired and missed. Jane tossed the toy right at Daria, who caught it and took aim.

The Super-Soaker had been filled with watery paint at Daria's instruction.

Sandi screamed in horror – "I JUST WENT TO THE SAAAALLLOOONNNN!" - as she was drenched from head to toe.

"Green paint?" Daria looked to Jane. "I was hoping red. Then I could say 'I'm seeing red'."

"Well, gimme more notice next time. So, time for the threat-slash-warning?"

She glanced at the wailing form of paint. "I think she's figured it out."

Fifteen minutes later, Jeffy and his speccy girlfriend Stacy were on a stroll in the park when they saw the abandoned paintball guns. Jeffy joked they could be used against muggers, which was ironic was they then weremugged two minutes later (he bravely threw money at the mugger).

The next night, the same mugger was prowling the park and had caught a late-night jogger on his own, when he became aware someone was behind him.

Thin it was, a paintball gun in hand, two spare canisters strapped to it by a bandolier, a skull T-shirt, and a paintball mask that made the figure looked like a goggle-eyes man.

The gun was aimed at his genitals.

"Who the hell-"

Blam.

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Siobhan Clarke is a name given to the brunette girl in the track team from See Jane Run; "Chipmunk" was a nickname the character had on a Daria website because, well, her hair does resemble a chipmunk's. Tori Jericho is the blonde in The Invitation who recounted everyone's popularity to Sandi and Tiffany; she was given the name "Tori Jericho" waaaaay back in a 1999 fic by Austin Covello, "Boy Fiend", and the name stuck. Winona joins Dave and Koichi in the "I made them up and am too lazy to properly describe them" faction.

The name "Splatoon" was shamelessly nicked from late 90s kids show SM:TV Live.

"Goggle-eyes man" is a nod to the paintball-mask wearing killer in the fanfic Sleepwalker by Roland 'Jim' Lowery. Which you should read. Now.