Chapter Fourteen: The Reawakening
Azula wakes up in the morning and stares at the sunlight pouring through the window. She thinks about the brash decision she made without much thought. Her idea of making this life into one she wants instead of trying to escape it may be good, but she does not know if she can proceed without knowing what she wanted to erase from her memories.
She turns over on her side and looks at Ty Lee. The relationship has become bearable. Azula always did wonder if they could have had a future together.
Azula sits up and shoves Ty Lee's shoulder. Her alleged—her wife—sits up.
"Huh?" Ty Lee asks, rubbing her eyes.
"What did I want to forget?" Azula whispers, taking Ty Lee's face in her hand and forcing her to make eye contact. "What could hurt so much that I would be willing to give up everything I am?"
Ty Lee says, "Maybe you should trust yourself. I think you made the right decision."
Azula mirthlessly laughs, to Ty Lee's visible dismay. "Future-Me is a terrible person and I do not trust her as far as I could throw her."
Ty Lee smiles a clearly fake smile. Azula clenches her jaw. "Past-You is also kind of a terrible person who nobody should ever trust."
Azula sits up straighter, bristling. "I have to admit that I might not want to remember what I went to such lengths to forget. And…" Pause. "And I must admit this life is better than where I was at last I recall."
"Maybe give it some more time," Ty Lee suggests, giving that same smile again. Azula feels her blood boiling. "Then you can make a better decision."
"But what if I made a mistake by erasing that memory?" hisses Azula, her eyes flashing and nostrils flaring.
Ty Lee sounds more serious and severe than she ever has. "You didn't. If you don't trust yourself please trust me."
Azula sits up. She looks Ty Lee directly into the eyes and watches her simper. The princess has always been used to having a strong effect on people, but she did not anticipate the power of just one look. Ty Lee did leave her control so recently that the wounds of the Boiling Rock are fresh. Every moment they live as a married couple pours more and more salt into it. She thinks that brand of betrayal will never fully heal.
"Ty Lee, tell me the truth. Tell me the truth and I promise we can figure out the next step from there," Azula says, knowing the use of we will push Ty Lee over the edge.
It does work.
"I think the amnesia is better than your first attempt at erasing it," Ty Lee says. Emotion has already flooded her voice and she has barely spoken. "You…" She hesitates. "Azusami always wants to wear a braid like me but she never lets me do it for her. She always wants you to do it. Isn't that funny? She has a really sensitive head, I guess, and mine is numb as a rock so I must pull too hard when I do it. It's funny since you're so much harsher than me."
"What does this have to do with anything?" snaps Azula, no longer caring about her alleged w—her wife's—clear pain and misery.
"It has to do with what I'm…" Pause. "It's difficult to say."
"Continue," Azula orders. Ty Lee has never disobeyed one so direct as that.
Ty Lee softly sighs and smoothly says, "I remember the day before all of this went out of hand. So clearly. I forget so many days and when I start talking about it like this I wish I could remember them all. Maybe they all are just as pretty as the one I cling to so much."
"So, you're telling me you want me to be able to remember everything?" Azula inquires.
"No, the opposite. I'm telling you about the day that made me sure that you erasing your memories was better than your first choice." Ty Lee takes Azula's hands in hers. Azula tears herself away, her nail accidentally nicking the side of Ty Lee's face. She begins to murmur an apology but changes her mind.
"I have no idea what could possibly be that bad," Azula sternly says, locking eyes with the acrobat.
Ty Lee takes several deep breaths and hastily says. "So, it was the middle of summer and we were at home. It was so ridiculously hot and my skin was so dry that no lotion could save it. But that's not important, I guess. We woke up together with Azusami curled up right between us, kicking us both halfway off of the bed. Kazumi hadn't started crying yet so we thought we could actually sleep if we snuck Azusami out. Azusami woke up while we were carrying her down the hall and that made Kazumi start screaming and crying from her room.
"I look at you all the time. I look and see how pretty you and when we were younger I could just stare at you and notice more and more pretty things all the time. I remember how pretty you were even so tired in the morning with this lethal gleam in your eyes that threatened anyone who would try to talk to you. Your hair was really shiny even though it was so dry that summer. You have a little mark on your nose that would be called an imperfection but I call it a relief because you're already too perfect to be real.
"Azusami begged for you to do her hair and you actually did, which I thought was the nicest thing you'd done in forever. I really couldn't stop laughing while I watched at how she changed her mind about halfway through and you used that Terrifying-Fire-Lord voice to stop her from trying to attack you and run to hide somewhere in the palace. It was super funny.
"I knew I was supposed to be mad at you about something but I couldn't really remember what. Azusami whined and I promised her we would go get cinnamon ice and you wouldn't come with us because you were depressed and so I took her."
Azula thinks Ty Lee pauses because she has run out of things to say. "Yeah? And this matters because…?"
"I kept trying to remember why I was supposed to be mad at you. The whole time I was out with Azusami. That's all I was thinking about all day. And you would just take yourself away from me and that was so selfish but I still feel like I should've done something to stop it. You keep talking about drowning in the Forgetful Valley twelve years ago, but maybe you just forget almost drowning yourself a few months ago."
Ty Lee begins to cry, then begins to run away. She lingers long enough for Azula to realize she wants Azula to pull her back, but the princess makes no such gesture.
[X]
In the late morning, Azula sits down. Kazumi curls up behind her like a cat. The princess has become used to that, strangely enough. Her daughter is fast asleep. When she is supposed to take a snap, she screams and howls and finds any way to get out of it. When she is simply on her own, she passes out asleep.
Ty Lee walks in and Azula turns her attention from the floor to her wife.
"I know I am stuck here, and I have to make the most of it. Maybe this future could use a few changes in your opinion too. But I still cannot fathom it. Why would I get rid of everything I am?" Azula asks, digging her fingers into the cushion beneath her.
"Please don't make me go through it again." Ty Lee wipes her eyes.
"Was it because I attempted suicide?" Azula bluntly asks, cocking an eyebrow.
"No. I told you that was your first try to get rid of the memories so I'm not giving them back to you so that you can get so upset and miserable and scary again!" Ty Lee's eyes burn with a fiery rage that makes Azula reluctant to question her.
"Maybe Zuko will be more forthcoming," she states, crossing her arms. She means it.
When she stands up, Ty Lee touches her arm to make her stop. It works.
Ty Lee shakily says, "Azusami has a bending tournament today. It's not exciting since it's just children and kids aren't like really good at bending except maybe a few kids like you, I guess, but maybe you could watch it."
Azula glares. "Give me a good reason to do that instead of investigate my amnesia."
"Because…" Ty Lee smiles. This one is real, but hesitant. "I think the best thing you can do is say that you'll give redemption a shot with this second chance. I don't… I don't want to be the one to tell you, but maybe if you show Zuko that you want to try with this life he'll talk to you about it."
"You are smarter than you look." Azula kisses Ty Lee. The jolt of electricity feels familiar, but Ty Lee's reluctance has been newfound since Azula woke up after drowning.
With that in mind, Azula steps back and says, "But you must promise me that you will work at making this life bearable for me too."
"Of course." Ty Lee grins.
Azula hopes she can trust her.
[X]
At the bending gym—one Azula does not recognize because she was better trained—Azusami bounces up and down, thrilled by Azula's very simple decision. Azula does not understand the feeling inside of her, a simmering of happiness and maybe a blossoming of pride. Her daughter has not proven to be excellent at firebending yet, but Azula decides she will be supportive.
She pats Azusami on the head, then presses down to keep her from jumping.
"Good luck," says Azula, glancing over her shoulder to see Ty Lee on the verge of swooning.
As they sit on the fringes of the room, close enough to see but far enough away to not be collateral damage, Azula turns to Ty Lee. She stares at her, formulating the words belatedly.
"What is it?" asks Ty Lee, her eyelashes fluttering. The faint outline of a smile has not left her lips since they arrived at the gym.
"Do I not go to these often?" Azula asks, not bothering to watch the first two pathetic children throwing weak flames each other's' way. They both have two heads on Azusami and must be at least a year older than her.
"You've never been to one," responds Ty Lee. Azula cocks an eyebrow. "See, this is what I mean about getting your second chance. You can make up for the mistakes in your old life and fix the ones you have in this one. Maybe that's why you got this second chance. I know you're just doing it to make yourself comfy here when you hate the idea of leaving the past behind, but maybe it's meant to be."
Azula scowls. "I have made no mistakes in the past sixteen years I recall. I have merely suffered from the failings of my father and Zuko."
"Maybe," whispers Ty Lee.
"But I will admit that I think this life is screwed up. I have become my father and even when I admired him above all else, I never wanted to treat my children as means to an ends like he always did. I never wanted to be cruel and harsh to try to get what I wanted. And I guess I just thought I would be better at this than I am." Pause. "I've seen the scars on you and an honorable conqueror like myself would never do such a thing."
Ty Lee silently begins to cry. Azula has no idea what to make of that.
"See what I mean?" she whispers. "See what I mean?"
"I refuse to change for you," Azula purrs. "However, I have come to terms with the fact that I am stuck here and should make adjustments as I see fit."
Ty Lee leans over and kisses Azula.
It might mean something; it might not. Azula still is on the fence about the feelings. The physicality of the relationship she could not be more pleased about, but the emotions are too complicated.
Azusami is up. Azula turns her attention away from her wife and to her daughter.
Her kid has potential.
She does win the tournament.
[X]
Azusami throws her arms around Azula. The sweat on Azula's clothes makes her want to gag, but she does let the child finish her embrace.
"Did I do good? Did I do good enough?" Azusami asks, wide eyes sparkling with hope.
Azula licks her lips and replies, "Yes. You could use a few lessons from someone better than this idiots, but by their standards you could not have done better." Azula turns to Ty Lee once Azusami releases her. "This one is mine, correct?"
Ty Lee nods.
Azusami whispers, "Do you love me?"
"Probably," Azula replies. Her little girl looks crushed, but Azula does not know anything else she could say.
Azusami raises her hand and frantically gestures for Azula to hold it.
The princess stares at Ty Lee for assistance. Ty Lee reaches forward and grabs onto Azusami as they walk out of the gym door.
[X]
Azula locates Zuko and sits down across from him.
"You asked to meet with me?" he inquires in a professional, Fire Lord tone.
Princess Azula is glad she decided to do this over a table and not in the throne room. She wants to pick fights with him when he acts superior to her. The blow of his expression is lessened when they are at the same level physically.
"I have made my decision on my course of action," Azula crisply says, "and I am being honest when I say so. I have come to realize that this may be a second chance for me. Maybe there is a reason the last thing I remember is throwing my life away because I had no future. I apparently did have one, and I suppose I should take advantage of it."
"These sound like terms of an agreement," slowly says Zuko, drawing out each word as if to give himself more time to think.
"They are. If you tell me everything about why I volunteered to erase all of my memories, I will dedicate myself to this very unconventional form of rehabilitation. If you continue withholding information, you might as well cuff me and throw me in the Boiling Rock because I will make your life miserable if you do not lock me up fast enough."
Zuko glances around the room, looking for someone to take up the mantel. None of them do.
He avoids looking at Azula when he says, "I guess we have to start at the beginning then…"
"Yes?" Azula demands after giving him a few moments to continue. She has no clue why he keeps stalling. Why everyone does!
"Kazumi is a twin," he says and Azula can already tell this will be bad. She has goosebumps and he has only said four words. "You were a mess. You go in and out. It's kind of a cycle. A year or so of you being fine and lucid and, I guess the you that you were meant to be, then a half a year to a year of you being a… for lack of better phrasing, a crazy mess."
"And?"
"And you were a crazy mess a year and a half ago," he says, and Azula blanches. She knows she cannot hide the apprehension. "I don't have to say more."
"Yes," Azula fiercely states. "Yes, you do."
"You didn't do anything directly and everyone knows that—knew that—but you. When you were a… a mess, you were supposed to be watching her and—"
"I don't want to know anymore."
"We're almost at the end."
"I said I don't want to know anymore." Azula runs from the situation.
She runs and runs and runs.
Azula ends up somewhere in the middle of the courtyard, the sunset shimmering pink and orange. It reflects in the water below her. It is then that she realizes she is on a bridge above a shallow pool. She slowly sits down and stares between the weathered stone bars of the bridge.
It has been a long time since she has cried.
She does not even know this kid or this life or this person she apparently is now but she cannot stop the flood of tears.
How can she fix a life as fucked up as this?
What did she do to deserve to be placed here?
Azula never thought she was a bad enough person to warrant such cruel punishment.