Chapter Fourteen

After the cold distance between them on Monday, he didn't expect bright smiles the next day, but that was what he got. It was like yesterday didn't even happen as he walked into the classroom on Tuesday. Shepard waved at him from the back of the class, smiling at him, and something inside of him unclenched as he walked toward his usual seat.

This continued throughout the day; their easy conversations, the smiles, and of course looking each other in the eye. Whatever was wrong with him the day before seemed to be gone, and Kaidan breathed a little easier. That didn't mean he didn't wonder about it, if Shepard was mad at him even though he said he wasn't. He still wondered why Shepard lied to him about needing help in Chemistry, and why he called him dense. He still had a lot of questions, but didn't ask them in case they stopped their easy conversations and everything at the moment.

Currently they were in Shepard's car, Shepard driving Kaidan home as he did sometimes. More often than not, Kaidan realized. He'd have to start compensating him with gas money. He'd need to get a job as well. If Shepard worked he never mentioned it, but he must have, if he had all that money to spend on laser tag, dinner and movies.

As Shepard stopped at his house, Kaidan suddenly realized he didn't really want to get out of the car. Either because he enjoyed their easy atmosphere at the moment or because his room still wasn't his, he wasn't sure. Either way he glanced over at Shepard to find blue eyes watching him closely.

"I got a new deck of cards," he said.

Shepard smirked. "Are you trying to bribe me into staying?"

"Is it working?"

"Maybe," Shepard said, taking the key from the ignition, and Kaidan released a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

The two climbed out of the car and walked up the porch steps, into the house. Kaidan listened for a minute, checking out the window to make sure no other cars were here, before he smiled, glancing at Shepard.

"We're the only one's here."

If Rahna was here she was usually in the kitchen until anyone else got there; then she went to her room. Kaidan no longer had that option, as Kevin was staying in his room, but Kevin's car wasn't here. Neither were his parents'.

Shepard smirked at him. "So happy to be alone, huh?"

Kaidan shrugged.

"So what's this about a new deck?"

"Oh, right. We can play in the kitchen if you want."

Shepard shrugged, walking in the direction of the kitchen. Kaidan moved toward the side of the living room, where he'd deposited the cards when he got them a few days ago, before laser tag and the movies and everything. Everything he wanted to remember and also wanted to forget. Strange how life happened like that.

He grabbed the cards, the deck never having been open, and took them to the kitchen. He found Shepard sitting at the table, with two Sprites sitting on it. Kaidan sat and pulled his Sprite toward him while he handed the deck to Shepard.

"You'll have to open it," he said. "I don't know where the scissors are."

Shepard smirked and shook his head, easily tearing through the light packaging, freeing the deck. Then he shuffled them a few times, attempting to break them in, before he began dealing. A comfortable silence wrapped around them like a familiar, missed friend and Kaidan relaxed in his chair, gaze flickering momentarily to Shepard whose gaze was firmly fixed on his cards, before he sighed and look back down at his own hand.

"You wanna start?"

Kaidan shrugged. "Got any twos?"

"Dammit." Shepard tossed over a two.

"Sevens?"

"Go fish," Shepard told him.

Kaidan snagged a card from the deck and settled back in his chair.

"Got any nines?"

He sighed and handed two nines to Shepard.

"Awesome," Shepard said with a grin, tucking the cards away. "How about fours?"

"Go fish."

"Dammit." He grabbed a card.

"Fives," Kaidan said.

"Go fish," Shepard said.

Kaidan took a card. "So… how… are you?"

Shepard chuckled. "You sound so awkward."

"Sorry," he said, ears burning somewhat. "I just, um… You…"

"Yes?" Shepard asked, looking at him, smirking.

He sighed and shook his head. "Nothing, never mind. Um, your turn."

"Sixes," Shepard said. "And you're not getting off that easily. I what?"

Kaidan took in a breath, tossing over a six. "You make me kind of nervous."

Shepard blinked at him for a moment, not even bothering to pick up the discarded six. "I make you nervous?"

"Kind of."

"How's that possible?" Shepard asked.

"I don't know. You just… do."

He wasn't sure where this conversation came from, but it was true. Shepard did kind of make him nervous, made him trip over his words sometimes, and he didn't know why. Didn't know how he could both enjoy their conversations as much as he almost dreaded them. But not a bad kind of dread – he missed it yesterday, when-

"So what was wrong with you yesterday?" Kaidan asked. "And don't forget your six."

Shepard fingers easily plucked the card from the tabletop. "Nothing. I told you, I was fine."

"You were… You weren't being yourself."

Shepard looked at him, blue eyes searching, scanning over his face, lingering. "And what would you know about that?"

The question wasn't snapped, or rude, or anything but inquiring. A curious inquiry, that was it, and Kaidan nearly dropped his cards, fumbling to keep them in his grasp.

"Um," he said.

Shepard chuckled and sat back in his chair. "Kidding. Got any kings?"

"Go fish," Kaidan managed to say.

They played in relative silence for the next few minutes.

"So," he said, breaking it, "what was up with yesterday?"

Shepard's gaze skittered toward the tabletop. "Nothing, Kaidan. Your turn."

"Shepard."

"Nothing. I'm not mad at you."

"You said you were mad at yourself," Kaidan said, remembering Shepard's words from yesterday. "What did you mean?"

"Nothing. Your turn."

Kaidan sighed, frowning at him. "I'm just trying to help," he said quietly.

"I know," Shepard said. "And I appreciate it, but it's something you can't really help with."

"So you admit it's something." His satisfaction that Shepard finally admitted there was something wrong was short lived. "What do you mean I can't help?"

Shepard shook his head. "Nothing, Kaidan."

"Stop saying that," he all but snapped. "You can't tell me something's wrong and then not expect me to ask questions."

Shepard sighed, dropped his cards onto the table and pushed to his feet. "I should go," he said, gaze averting to the ground as he began to walk away from the table.

Wait, what? Why?

"Wait," Kaidan said, jumping up after him. "You, um… You don't have to go. I'll be quiet."

Why he was so eager to have Shepard stay was beyond him, but he felt like if he let him walk away now he'd regret it later. Why this was, was still a mystery. Even so, he all but chased him to the front door, where Shepard was already reaching for the handle.

"Wait," he said again, grabbing Shepard's shoulder, tugging him away from the door. It was the most physical move he could remember making in a while. "I… You don't have to go."

"I think it's best if I do," Shepard said quietly.

"Look at me."

Shepard sighed and dragged his gaze off the floor to meet his eyes. His gaze was soft yet guarded and Kaidan hated it.

"What did I do?" he asked. "I'm sorry. I won't ask questions."

"Thanks for humoring me," Shepard said, shaking his head, easily pulling free of his suddenly light grip. "But I think I should go, Kaidan. It's hard to…" He sighed, shaking his head again as he turned away, his back now to Kaidan as he faced the door again, though he was a few steps away from it now. "It's a little hard to concentrate when you're around."

"Hard to…? What's that mean?" Kaidan asked.

"You're kind of distracting."

"I… I'm sorry."

"It's not a bad thing," Shepard said, but his shoulders were stiff so Kaidan wondered if he was lying. "Just something I've noticed. I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?"

"Shepard, dammit, wait," Kaidan said, snagging his shoulder again, irritation flaring through him. "What's going on with you? If… If it's because of what happened at the movies…" Shepard's shoulders stiffened further, leaving Kaidan's own spine to snap taut. "Then I'm sorry," he continued. "I'm sorry for… for falling on you. I'm sorry I… I didn't get up immediately. Okay? Is… Is that what you want to hear?"

"Kaidan," Shepard said, voice this breathy echo, full of something he didn't particularly like. "I need to go."

"But-"

"Kaidan. Let me go."

It was then he realized his fingers were tangled in Shepard's jacket, above his shoulder, lightly tugging him back, Shepard leaning away from him, attempting to step toward the door. Kaidan knew if he let him walk away, walk out of the house, he'd regret it and everything would change again, though he wasn't sure how. He didn't really want to find out.

So instead of letting go like Shepard asked, he instead tightened his grip and pulled, spinning Shepard around until the two were facing each other, only a few inches separating them now. He accidentally made Shepard trip on his feet and stagger toward him, Kaidan's free hand landing on his chest, keeping the two of them from colliding, and thus they nearly occupied the same space. He could feel Shepard's breath across his face.

"Kaidan," Shepard said, a different kind of breathy quality to his voice this time, blue eyes snapping away from him, "I should go."

"But…"

I don't really want you to go.

The thought surprised him, momentarily stealing the breath from his lungs. He didn't want Shepard to leave. Being alone right now just… didn't feel right. Not after yesterday. Not after this past weekend. Not after he screwed everything up.

"You really don't want me to stay," Shepard whispered.

"What if I do?" Kaidan replied, voice just as quiet, gaze scanning over Shepard's face.

Shepard's eyes slid toward him, catching his own. "You don't," he breathed.

Kaidan's fingers curled further into Shepard's jacket with one hand, his other hand grasping at his shirt from where it rested on his chest, fingers lightly brushing against skin through the thin fabric.

What are you doing? Let go. Let him leave if he wants to.

Except he couldn't. Because… no. He couldn't. Even if he wanted to, his hands wouldn't let go and his body wouldn't shift away. Except he didn't want to.

Why? Why don't I want to let go?

Because Shepard would flee. And it would be like yesterday all over again.

No.

"Stay," he said. "We can… We can finish our game, and… and I'll be quiet."

"Kaidan," Shepard sighed, dropping his head forward tiredly, forehead suddenly resting against Kaidan's, Shepard's eyes closing. "You're really dense."

"I'm not dense, I'm just… Are you okay?"

Perhaps he was sick. Maybe that was why he acted strangely yesterday. Maybe that was the something Kaidan couldn't help with.

"Let me go, Kaidan."

"I don't… Why?"

"Because…" Shepard released a breath, sucking in another sharp one. "You won't like what happens if you don't."

A chill inched up his spine in the same way it had when Shepard said 'persuasive' at lunch when they first met. He still didn't know why, but it had something to do with that tone. That breathy, something tone.

"Why wouldn't… I like it?" he asked, brain still confused because why does that tone bother me like this.

"Let go, okay?"

"Why wouldn't I like it?" Kaidan repeated, a little shocked neither of them had moved by this point. "What does that even mean?"

Shockingly, though, he found he had no real desire to move. Maybe because Shepard was practically leaning against him, foreheads connected, the only thing separating them Kaidan's hand on his chest, lightly pushing and yet also pulling. Pulling him away from the door, pushing him away from him.

"I don't have the best restraint, okay?"

"Restraint?"

Blue eyes snapped open. He had to cross his eyes to see them. Hands that were not his own were suddenly touching him, lightly pressing against his sides, resting over the curve of his hips, and his breath momentarily caught in his throat, his mind flashing back to the movies. Unconsciously his fingers curled more into Shepard's jacket and shirt.

"Sh-Shepard," he all but stammered, "what are… What are you doing?"

"I don't have the best restraint, Kaidan. Let me go."

Those hands that were not his own tightened, heavy on his hips and that goddamn chill crawled up his spine again. Thumbs lightly trailed faint circles, tickling at the skin as much as they burned it, hot fire trailing in their wake.

"Let go, Kaidan," Shepard said.

"I…"

Shepard's head shifted, forehead lowering, their noses nearly touching now. His breaths were sharper than usual. Perhaps he really was sick, except… Except it felt like his own breaths were getting a little more ragged too.

What's going on?

"Last chance," Shepard breathed, that goddamn breathy, sharp quality back to his voice, that goddamn tone. "Out of restraint."

Another chill shot through him. "What does that even-"

His words were cut off by Shepard's mouth solidly sealing over his own.

Oh… Oh God. What's he… He's kissing you. What…?

The kiss wasn't comfortable or soft or anything like that. Kaidan had never been kissed before – on the cheek, sure, but romantically, like this, never – so he didn't really have anything to compare it to, but it was a little painful. Their teeth knocked together, leaving his head ringing, his lips smashed between them. Shepard's fingers were digging into his hips. Likewise Kaidan's hand had all but pinched through Shepard's shirt, probably pinching skin as well. His other hand was doing something he hadn't been aware of until now, slowly inching toward Shepard's neck, fingers stretching around, doing something like pulling him closer though that was completely absurd.

His mind finally caught up with him, then.

He uncurled his fingers and shoved, his other hand sliding away from that warm neck, the mouth that was not his own being ripped away as the body staggered away from him, and he took a step back, attempting to catch his breath because what the hell just happened?

"What… What was that?" he gasped.

"I… Kaidan, I'm sorry," Shepard said, inching backward a step, eyes wide, cheeks this darkened color. Maybe that was just the bad lighting in the living room, though, none of the lights really on. "I'm sorry, I just… You… I…"

"What was that?" he repeated.

"I'm sorry," Shepard breathed.

"Why'd you kiss me?"

And yes, his mind was still reeling from that. Because why would you do that?

Except Shepard's words swirled through his head then. About him being dense; telling him to let go because he was losing his restraint; hands on his hips, holding him there, both just now and at the movies; the rapid apology in the bathroom, wondering why Shepard was even apologizing…

"You… Do you… Do you like me?"

Because now it made sense, made sense in a way it hadn't before, and Shepard's eyes widened a little more if that was even possible, as he took another step back, his back nearly smacking into the doorknob.

"I…"

"Do you?"

"Yes," Shepard breathed, and it was so sudden and so not what Kaidan was expecting that he could do was stare.

"What?"

"Yes," Shepard repeated breathily. "I… I do. I'm sorry. It… It won't happen again."

"What…?"

"It… It's okay," Shepard said, "I know you don't… You don't feel the same, so I just… I know you… I know you don't, so…"

Kaidan shook his head. "I… I don't…?"

I don't what?

Like him back. Like that?

He'd honestly never thought about it before. But now…

Shepard's hand curled around the doorknob. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice no longer so much breathy as it was a little shaky. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'll just… I'll go, and… And… Sorry."

He tore the door open, then, and all but bolted, the door snapping shut behind him.

Kaidan stood there for a long moment, just staring at the door, at where Shepard previously stood, before he collected his thoughts and darted after him, because this was crazy and if he let him leave now-

Shepard's car sped down the street as Kaidan walked off the porch. All he could do was watch.