"For what I have done,

And what I have failed to do

I am sorry."

Unknown

Our feet pounded in sync against the pavement. Kaneki had long given up on keeping the umbrella over our heads as we ran, letting it swing awkwardly and uselessly at his side. Hinami was silent except for her hiccups and sobs. They echoed with the rain and we moved as fast as we could to save her mom. I didn't know her name, she was just Hinami's mom to me, but we had to save her, had to run faster -

I saw them in the street first, and shoved the pair into the nearest alley harshly. Kaneki didn't realize why at first, a short exclamation passing his lips before he saw them, too. I wrapped Hinami up in my arms and swung her behind us both, further into the dark. She squirmed and wriggled, much stronger than I was despite her age, but I shuffled her into Kaneki's grasp. I put a finger to my lips, my arm out to keep the pair behind me before putting my back to the cool bricks and slowly looking around the corner.

He was speaking, the man in the alley. I knew who he was immediately, almost disturbed how much he looked like the art in the manga. Stringy pale hair that almost disappeared against equally pale skin, sunken in cheeks, one bulging eye, the other squinted almost shut. His thin lips were spread wide in a manic grin, an expression I'd never seen on another human beings face before.

"If you came along obediently then you wouldn't have had to die in the middle of the street," he hissed. "Even though I dismantled you so slowly…"

"Mother!" Hinami surged forwards, pushing hard against my arm. I winced as it bent awkwardly, but Kaneki was quick to drag her back again.

"Toki," he looked at me desperately, as if expecting me to know what to do.

I shook my head hard, and looked back. I could see her kneeling in the street, kagune in shreds around her. I wished the rain could blur my eyes, hide the sheen of blood in the water, but I could see it all and I couldn't look away. I could see everything as if I were a camera lense, everything in hyperfocus, nothing left out. I could see Amon, it had to be him, so proud and fixed, hair perfect even in the pouring rain as he watched the execution unfold. Two more investigators, casually chatting as if a woman wasn't half dead in the middle of the street. And Mado, standing over her, weapon in hand -

Oh God, what a weapon it was. It chilled my blood, struck fear into my heart. I thought of the kagune I'd seen, brief and harsh as they were. They hadn't ever felt so cold. They were warm, thriving things, living and pulsing with a fire. They burned.

"Toki," Kaneki hissed. Hinami sobbed and squirmed in his arms, swinging her legs as she tried to break free. I could feel him move, up against my back, looking over my shoulder, his shaky breath. "Oh no," the whispered words against my throat and he was so right.

The quinque was like ice, frozen and mechanic. I watched the thing wag through the air like a serpent but it screamed machine, it screamed. It was unnatural, a gross copy-cat that couldn't compare to the beauty of the real thing.

"Shall I listen to your final words?" Mado said and God, his grin, I'd see his grin in my collection of nightmares I was sure, and Hinami gave a muffled screech.

Kaneki jerked against me, Hinami's leg kicked my thigh like a hammer, but I couldn't look away, and I could hear him shushing her desperately. "We can't," he whispered, voice cracking. "It's- It's no good-"

I had to do it now. I stepped forward and I could do it, I wanted to do it, I could save her, she didn't have to die. I gripped the wall and felt my bones creak like rusty hinges and I could just run out there, I could, I could do something, anything but just stand there why wasn't I moving why the fuck was I here if I couldn't change it move move MOVE.

Hinami's mom (oh my God what was her name, I couldn't remember her name) looked down the street as if searching for something, and for just a split second our eyes met. She looked surprised, eyes tracing my features before gliding off just to the side.

"Hinami," she breathed. Smiled.

"Li-"

I choked, pushing back, struggling to move the two stones Kaneki and Hinami had become back into the alley, back where they couldn't see, don't look!

My hand just grazed Hinami's eyes as Quinque met flesh, taking her mother's head off her shoulders. Kaneki swallowed a terrible noise and Hinami's voice swelled with a sound so broken it pierced my ears like shards of glass. But neither could drown out the ripping - cells pulled apart by force, the crack and pop of the spine separating. It wasn't clean, no neat cut or slice just -

The fire flames licking up legs stomach in throat and blood from a broken skull screaming falling we're falling machine screamingfirebloodmOMMY

"Time's up," Mado chuckled, and I turned and pushed, shoved, clawed at the immovable ghouls until they fucking moved and then I kept them moving, Kaneki about to hyperventilate and Hinami in hysterics, but I made them walk and we kept walking and the rain was too hot now it was hot and thick and copper soiled my throat and I kept walking because it was all I could do, I couldn't do anything else, if I stopped…

I would stop. And I wouldn't start again.

Hinami's voice began to falter and she slumped in Kaneki's arms like a doll. To his credit, he scooped her up into his arms without a pause and he kept moving and I kept pushing, directing him as a conductor would an orchestra. Gestures and nudges, and every now and then I looked at that little girl's face over his shoulder, looked at her dead eyes and the red tracks left by too many tears and I felt that hot blood and wanted to smack her.

You aren't dead yet, I wanted to hiss. Not yet.

Anteiku was an oddly heavenly sight to see, we were almost there and I picked up the pace. Kaneki didn't complain, despite his load, and lengthened his strides to keep up with me. We burst through the door and immediately headed for the stairs.

"Manager," he called out, voice hoarse, and I could hear the strain behind the single word.

I followed behind to one of the bedrooms, the same one Hide had been in what felt like years ago. Kaneki carefully placed her on the bed and I stepped closer, carefully dragging her flower headband off of her head before moving to drag her coat down her arms. I looked to Kaneki as I did and jerked my head back to the door and he nodded in understanding, calling Yoshimura's name as he went.

I tossed the soaked garments onto a nearby chair, and knelt down at the girl's feet to pull off her sneakers and socks. Hinami simply let me move her limp limbs, not a voice of complaint from her as tears soundlessly fell from her eyes. The rain danced against the window, the only sound except for the growing voices out in the hall. I finished setting the shoes and socks with her other clothes when Yoshimura and Kaneki walked back in, the former with a change of clothes and the latter with a few towels.

Yoshimura went to Hinami and crouched before her, one old, gnarled hand going to gently clasp her own. He spoke her name just above a whisper, so kind it sent shivers down my spine. I pointedly ignored them and the girl's shaky breath, the quiet squeaking of slowly renewed sobs. I spared a glance for Kaneki, who stood awkwardly by the pair, towel in his hands.

I left and closed the door behind me just as the screeching began, heart-wrenching and piercing, needles in my ears and ice picks to the temples. It didn't stop.

I started down the stairs and headed to the back door and stepped out into the alley. The rain had stopped, if only for a moment, and I carefully tugged off my soaked jacket. Folded it neatly and placed it on the steps. Tied up my hair into a sloppy bun and brushed the wet strands that came loose back behind my ears. There was just a moment, a single moment of peace and the city sounds hummed quietly in my ears like a warning before I was on my hands and knees, vomit splattering the asphalt. It was hot and boiling coming up my throat, raw fire scorching everything red and raw. It hurt, and tears welled up in my eyes to roll down my cheeks. Bile dripped from my lips in long strings as I sucked in a breath only to let it out with the next heave.

Time seemed to not exist for just a moment. In the quiet gasps of my aching lungs peace returned for a moment and I couldn't remember why I was there, why things suddenly felt over. I lost something, I realized. I couldn't say what it was but it was a devastating sort of feeling, a hole in my stomach where I'd just vomited all my insides out into the dirt. Failure stung the open sores and God it hurt. And it wasn't even over yet.

There were still people who were going to get hurt. People who were going to die. People who I wanted to save. People that I couldn't.

I tried to spit out the taste of bile, wiping at the sweat on my brow, but it clung to my tongue with a vengeance. I stayed hunched over, rising to crouch on the balls of my feet with my hands on my knees, head bowed in case anything else decided to make a reappearance. I doubted it - there was nothing left but bile.

I took my phone from my pocket, tapping my code in with shaking fingers.

To: Takahashi Noriko

From: Aibu Toki

can you come get me by anteiku please

To: Aibu Toki

From: Takahashi Noriko

Yeah, be there in 15. You okay?

I stared at the almost immediate reply, something like relief tickling through the sludge my brain had become. How strange time was, how I used to dread her entire presence and the loss of my freedom, and now all I felt was solace in the knowledge she was coming for me.

To: Takahashi Noriko

From: Aibu Toki

im fine

That wasn't a lie. I would be. Not now, though. Not yet.

It was then that I noticed my bag was missing. I lifted my head up just enough to look around the alley, half-heartedly scouring my memory for when I had last had it, but I just didn't have the energy to care. I can get another sketchbook, and nothing in my wallet was totally irreplaceable, although I spared some hope that whoever found it would be kind enough to return it. Who knew though?

Something hysteric bubbled through my lips and I smothered it with my hand. Yeah, what a fucking world, a woman murdered in the street and I was hoping some stranger would return my wallet to me.

At least I always kept my phone in my pocket. I wasn't totally fucked.

Well. In regards to this, I wasn't totally fucked.

I pushed my phone back into my pocket and rose up on shaky knees. My leg started to ache where Hinami had kicked me, undoubtedly turning black and blue beneath my jeans. Or rather, I was just noticing the ache - one of many that were sending panicked signals of alarm to my brain. The farthest corner of my mind seemed the best place for them, and I shoved them back with a vengeance as I gathered my things and went inside.

The crying had stopped, and when I went into the main lobby Kaneki was behind the bar, eyes fixed on the fresh brew he was making. I stopped and stared, watching him spin the water expertly onto the ground beans, the quiet drip as it hit the bottom of the pot echoing in the empty room. The smell permeated the air with the rising steam. So familiar, but it no longer had the same soothing effect. I still felt scraped raw, like gum off the bottom of a shoe.

He's still here, a whisper across my lips, and relief came with the words. He's still safe.

I wanted to go to him. Bring him close and feel his breath against my cheek. His hands, awkward but so warm around me. He was safe, he was something known in a world where I didn't seem to know anything.

But I didn't go. I wanted to, so bad. More than anything in the world, because I was a selfish human being, and I watched him pour the coffee into a porcelain cup, on a little tray. He didn't see me as he turned to go back up the steps. He vanished from sight.

Water dripped from my hair to my shivering shoulders, and I walked out the front door and sat on the steps.

I waited.

Noriko asked no questions, and I told no lies. She escorted me inside and had a glass of wine with Akane and Elliott while I escaped upstairs and straight into the shower. I washed the rain out of my hair, careful with the still raw bite and my other cuts and scrapes. My leg was a darkening black, as I predicted, in the vague shape of a shoe. I couldn't remember a time other than when I died that I'd had so many wounds, not that I'd lived to see them.

burning fIRE -

I banged my forehead against the wall, hard enough to wince, probably adding to my collection, but it shut out the sound of screaming engines so I did it again for good measure.

I needed a plan, I knew that. I needed one desperately. As I lay in the bath, fingers absently tracing the grooves of teeth against my neck, I tried to lay out the tracks for tomorrow, but nothing came to my brain. There was nothing but pain - pain from the bite in my shoulder, aching as if to remind me of why I was there. My arm and leg, aching from wrestling with a grieving ghoul. Other scratches and scrapes, raw palms, my sore, bleeding heart.

I failed.

She died.

I let myself slip below the water, and under the surface, it all sounded like moaning engines.

I closed my eyes.

I didn't sleep. Everytime the blackness crept in on me it started. The rain.

It wasn't rain though. I knew that instinctively, the way you look at a knife and know to run. It was hot, thick, copper, fire-

Blood.

So I stared at my ceiling and I tried so very hard to not exist for a little while. I tried to settle, let my mind go blank, but it's too easy to see her face hovering above me, lips spilling red and smiling so sweetly. And when I push aside that nameless woman, that failure of a plot point, a black mark in my crusade to fix everything, all I hear is metal ripping to pieces, like her head separating from her neck, the crack of fire and bones and screams and the singing of machinery.

All I can hear is death. And it doesn't end, it doesn't stop, it just keeps going in my ears, and I lay there in my bed because how do you turn it off? Is it so intrinsically intertwined with my being that it haunts my waking moments too? Ruining my sleep and dreams isn't enough anymore, I guess. It has to plague me, a constant reminder, just in case I forget.

Time slipped away from me, like a leaky faucet, drip drip dripping away. Spiraling down into the rabbit hole but there isn't a rabbit and a little clock at the end, it just keeps going down down down.

The sun rests at the top of the sky, the peak of its ascent, a casual reminder that night had faded and the new day had begun.

Drip.

Shadows lengthened and crept across my floor. I lay there in bed and watched dust float in the orange glow.

Drip.

Night again.

Drip.

Day.

Drip.

"C'mon, Toki, get up."

I don't want to.

"Here we go, sit up, take a sip of this."

It's cold.

"Good, good. That's a good girl. It's okay."

No.

"It's okay, Toki. C'mon, you can do it. Have some more."

Cold, cold, against my lips and down my throat, and I clung to consciousness with shaky hands as awareness slowly permeated my mind, lifting the fog. I slowly sipped the water that Noriko handed me, the glass so cold against my burning palms, and I blinked at her. She smiled.

"There you are." She held out one of my jackets. No, Kaneki's hoodie. I stared at it for a moment, struggling to comprehend the purpose in it before slowly reaching out to take it, tugging it around my shoulders. The material felt harsh on my fingers, after days spent beneath a silky comforter. It almost hurt to touch. "C'mon now, let's go," Noriko hummed, taking the glass and setting it aside before carefully picking me up beneath the arms to help me to my feet. "Just a few steps to the bathroom, okay? Get you cleaned up, then we're gonna have some food and watch a movie. That sound okay?"

Her voice was soft, gentle, but so grating after the silence. I smacked my lips together, work my jaw and nod carefully. The ground is aching beneath my feet and my legs feel unsteady like a fawn - but the movement made me aware of my dire need to use the bathroom, so I hobble over quick enough without further prompting.

I don't bother looking in the mirror, but take an extra second after washing my hands to wash my face and throw on some deodorant. With awareness comes relief - and a bone deep exhaustion.

How long had it been?

Noriko had pulled the sheets off the bed while I had been gone, piling them up in her arms. She looked over at me, hair falling from a bun I hadn't realized she'd put it in. She looked nice, actually, now that I looked her over. She had on no makeup, and rather than her usual formal attire she had on jeans and a t-shirt. Casual wear.

Why was she here? Noriko normally never came by unless we called for her. And where were Toki's parents?

"You okay to go down the stairs by yourself?" she asked. At my slow, hesitant nod, she continued. "I'm going to put this in the laundry. I'll see you back in the kitchen, alright?"

Another nod and she was out the door. I blinked slowly at the room and the sunlight invading it, unwelcome and unfamiliar. I shuffled over to my nightstand, frowning when my phone wasn't in its usual place atop it. I looked around and, noting the clothes from before scattered across the floor, crouched down to search through them, picking up the device from the old pants pocket. It didn't respond to my touch, though - it was dead. Thinking on it, though, I didn't really want to turn it on. I left it on my bed, and shakily made my way down the stairs.

Noriko was in the kitchen, where she had said she would be, when I finally reached the bottom step, and she smiled at me softly. "I'm making miso," she said. I walked in to look over the ingredients - scallions, tofu, red bean paste, nori. I looked up at her questioningly.

"It'll be easy on your stomach," was all she said in response, carefully placing the dried sheets of seaweed into the simmering water.

I continued to stare at her, watching as she went about preparing the soup. I wasn't quite sure what was going on, my brain lagging three steps behind the present moment - what was the day, the time, why was Noriko here, where were my parents? Had I been sick? My head felt foggy and slow, full of cotton, as if I had a head cold. I had been out in the rain for a while, I noted dryly. But I didn't feel congested, or any other usual cold symptom. Just… not right.

When the soup was finished, she poured the miso into two bowls and brought it to the table, setting it down neatly on the placemats. I took a seat as she brought over two cups of water for us and I carefully blew on the spoon to take the first bite. It was good, much better than I had anticipated, and though my stomach gave a wary protest, I took another bite, and another.

Noriko watched me eat quietly for a minute before she spoke.

"You saw the female ghoul, didn't you?"

I froze, hand hovering in the air. My entire being immediately protested the direction this conversation seemed to be headed, and I prayed that if I didn't look her in the eye, didn't acknowledge her, she would let it drop.

But she didn't. My lack of a response was all the answer she really needed. Noriko nodded and looked down at the table, carefully stirring her miso with her spoon. "Did you see her die?"

The meager bites of soup and water very suddenly wanted to make a reappearance and I bolted for the sink, choking and spitting little pieces of scallion and seaweed down the drain. Hands pulled my hair away from my face as I heaved, and Noriko patted my back gently as she shushed me.

"There, there, let it out," she breathed, and I really wanted to smack her. It was her fault to begin with.

When my stomach finally settled I shrugged out of the makeshift embrace, brushing my arm over my lips, and stumbling back through the kitchen to the living room, where I collapsed on the couch. I brought my knees up to my chest and stared at the black television screen across the room, willing the nausea to leave me be. I'd been fine before she brought it up. And who the hell brings up something like that while you're eating? Assholes, that's who.

Noriko followed and sat beside me, but she didn't touch me, keeping a respectable distance between us. Which was perfect - I really might have hit her if she'd tried. She didn't say anything, just picked up the remote and switched the television on to some sort of cartoon channel, quietly sipping her own soup that she brought with her.

A good hour passed that way - silent but for the cheerful tunes of the kids show and Noriko's gentle sipping. After a while she retreated back to the kitchen before returning with warm mugs of tea. She placed mine on the coffee table, next to the now cool miso, before curling back up on her side of the couch. I didn't touch the tea, either, just tried to sink into the couch and not think about my aching insides.

"I figured when Akane said you hadn't left your room in days that something had happened. And the ghouls happened to be found near Anteiku. I put the pieces together," she explained simply.

I didn't reply, but I shifted to look at her. She was watching the television nonchalantly, hands cradling her steaming mug. I wanted to sneer. How astute of her, how so very smart to put those pieces together. She could go fuck herself.

"I was an orphan, did you know?"

Did I care?

She continued on, not hearing my mental whinging. "My parents were killed by ghouls when I was young. Exactly the type of kids recruiters look for. That young hatred, the drive for revenge." She shook her head. "Malleable. Perfect. You don't really see ghouls as anything but monsters. It makes killing them easy."

My stomach flipped and spun at the word 'kill', and I slowly pushed myself to sit up, arms wrapping around my stomach. Nothing would come up though, and I settled for trying to steady my breathing.

"I was the same. It was easy to hate them. Easy to kill them." She shook her head, eyes half lidded as she took a sip of her tea. Then her eyes flashed over to me. "Did I ever tell you why I left the CCG? Why I stopped being an investigator?"

I blinked at her, and shook my head slowly. Part of me didn't care - I didn't care to hear her sad story. At all. Something about an injury, surgery, she knew Shinohara, blah blah blah. But some other part of me, its interest was piqued. Because maybe, just maybe… this could help.

You can use this, some small voice whispered, for him, and I couldn't help but raise my head because for him, I would do anything.

"We were tracking a ghoul, can't remember who anymore. They weren't important." She stared off into the distance. "But they were taking children. Selling them off to some sick, twisted auction. We had them cornered, we were getting ready to take them out. And then... he stepped in, fought us off, protected them." A pause. "His code name was Hummingbird. Quick in, quick out, never lingered anywhere for very long, if he was ever seen at all." She laughed. "Looking back, it suited him quite well. Flitting from flower to flower…" and she grew despondent there, voice trailing off, almost fond in the sadness. I drew my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on them as I watched her.

"We still don't know why he protected them. It was the first time that I ever saw the ghoul, but I knew him." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye and, though I could see the way her hands shook, she smiled slyly. "After all, we'd been dating for five years."

Oh shit.

"Five years is a long time to know someone," she said quietly. "It's a long time to love someone. And I did, you know. Love him." She seemed to get lost there for a minute, sinking into her own thoughts, the room silent once more but for the babbling TV.

I scooted closer, to write on her arm, 'What happened?'

Noriko shrugged vacantly. "I confronted him. Asked him why he would protect them, another ghoul, someone who kidnapped and sold children. Asked him why he never told me about what he was." Her fingers traced the edge of her mug. "We fought."

After a moment she reached over to set down her mug before turning her back to me and shrugging her shirt up around her shoulders. I shouldn't have been surprised to see the mass of scar tissue covering it, considering her story, but I was. I was, and my stomach lurched to see the scattering of puckered holes, all healed, but some looking red and raw to the touch.

"He left me in our apartment for the police to find," she said, monotone. "I haven't seen him since." She pulled the shirt back down and grabbed her tea once more, settling back into the couch with a world weary sigh. "The surgery to repair my spine gave me my body back. But I couldn't be an investigator anymore. I knew it. My superiors knew it, too. Not because of my injuries, though that did play a role." She looked me straight on then, and her voice was even, but firm. "It was because I could see them as human. And that was unacceptable." Another shrug. "So I left."

I watched her sip her tea and I felt like I was looking at a different person. I tried to remember back to that coffee shop, with Shinohara and Suzuya, tried to correlate what she was telling me now with what I had overheard back then. Tried to match the puzzle pieces of what she had just told me with what I knew about investigators. But I hadn't given a shit about what the two adults had been discussing - I had been consumed with the oddity of the situation, the fact that she use to be an investigator, and that Suzuya was sitting across from me stitching his fingers together.

Another failure, my brain scoffed. Pay better attention.

'But your boyfriend now? Does he know?'

Noriko's laugh was hearty then, and she shook her head as if I'd told some sort of joke. "Oh no, that's my brother." My jaw dropped as she shook her head emphatically. "Really. After everything that happened, I haven't really been able to date a guy. I wouldn't be able to trust them. And he's such a worrywart that it isn't hard to pass him off as one, he calls so often." She gave an absent minded shrug. "It was the easiest thing to do, at the time, and I haven't bothered to correct assumptions."

I frowned, trying to wrap my brain around it. It didn't make sense. Why would she pretend to have a boyfriend at all? Why would she lie to Shinohara about him? Why -

Oh.

Oh.

'You never told anyone who attacked you. That he was a ghoul.'

Noriko tapped the mug in her hands absently, eyes fixed on the screen. "No," she answered, after a minute or two. "I suppose I didn't."

She was protecting him.

I slowly turned to sit properly on the couch, watching her from the corner of my eye. I reached out for the soup, cold in the bowl, and brought it to my lips to quietly slurp.

Another few minutes passed before Noriko spoke again. "Looking back," she started, "I remember how angry I was. Angry and sad, not because he was a ghoul. It wasn't that, not really." Her frown was severe now. "I was upset that he had protected someone who hurt children. I couldn't understand that. I just couldn't. It didn't even occur to me that it was a human versus ghoul thing. In my head, it was just me, him, and them. Him being a ghoul had nothing to do with it."

I wondered if she knew how she sounded. How her voice sounded so yearning, how quiet and sad. I took another small sip, letting the broth sit on my tongue for a moment before swallowing. 'What happened to him?' I asked.

Noriko shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "Vanished. Left the country, I suppose." She tilted her head back up to the ceiling. "He always did want to travel the world."

The way she protected this old love of hers, even how she spoke of him. She didn't hate him, I thought. It was sad, this love. Sad and broken, and I wondered if, somewhere on the other side of the world, he spoke of her like this too.

"You know, when I killed my first ghoul, I was proud of myself. I had killed a monster. I had rid the world of a pestilence. It couldn't hurt anyone anymore. There wouldn't be anymore little orphan Noriko's training to become investigators. I felt nothing, because they were just monsters. It was easy." She shook her head with a low laugh. "Then this happened and they weren't just monsters anymore." Her hands were shaking, harder now, and her voice cracked with emotion. "They were people with families, with loved ones, brothers and sisters and parents. They had complex personalities, loved and hated, laughed and cried. They were so… unbearably human."

She turned and her expression ached - I felt it in my chest and my eyes welled with tears as she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "And it's okay to be upset," she said quietly. "You can be sad for the life lost, regardless if it was human or ghoul. You can be confused, and angry, and worried. Your feelings are yours, and they are valid. Because a life was lost." She frowned. "No, a life was brutally taken, and you had to witness it. And I'm so sorry, Toki. I'm so sorry."

Oh.

I stared at Noriko, her eyes so kind, my hired Chaperone, and I felt as though I understood.

Noriko let her fingers rest on my wet cheek for a moment before shaking her head. "Enough of this talk," she said briskly, rising to her feet. "It wouldn't do for both of us to fall into a slump. C'mon, let's clean up these dishes and put a real movie on. What do you say?" She held out her hand.

After a moment, I took it.

Later that night, Noriko long gone, Akane and Elliott asleep in their beds (both had been visibly relieved to see me sitting up on the couch, watching an old black and white film with Noriko), I opened up my laptop and stared hard at the word document in front of me. Bullet points with random names I'd swapped out stared back at me, taunting as the clock ticked into the early morning.

In my depression, though I loathed to call it that, I had missed two days. I had the rest of today, and then I would be leaving early the next morning. If you could call 4 in the morning 'morning'.

The good news was that nothing serious had happened. A quick google search told me that the Rabbit AKA Touka had killed an investigator, but the investigator in question wasn't Mado. That fucker wasn't dead yet, which meant we were somewhere in between the first death and his death. Was it something that would happen today? I looked at the clock again, but it had no answers for me.

What could I do?

Even if I wasn't leaving, what could I do?

I had proven myself inadequate and stupid concerning Hinami's mother. I hadn't planned for it at all. I'd been so caught up in Kaneki, in Uta, in Anteiku, that I didn't even realize what was happening until it had happened. I had fucked up. I'd been so focused on making friends and being liked, on dressing up in this new world of mine I had completely forgotten where I really was.

I fucked up.

That wasn't unusual for me though, was it?

I shook the thoughts out of my head and found myself very suddenly longing for something mostly alcoholic.

Rather than succumb to the urge, I settled for doing the next best thing.

I left.

I bundled up my greasy hair on top of my head, slipped into some warm joggers and a hoodie, tied up my sneakers, and I slipped out the door without a look back.

I didn't take anything with me - no phone, no wallet, not even my keys. I could get in with the spare, hidden in the garden out front. I looked both ways across the street and then I started to run.

I alternated between a light jog to sprinting, feet pounding hard against the concrete, and I jogged until my lungs ached or my brain reminded me the last time I'd run I had failed to save a life. Then I went faster. My muscles ached, bruises eagerly throbbing, as if I had forgotten they were there. My shoulder protested the strain, but I ignored it. I ignored it all.

I had laid in bed for two days, mourning. But some dark part of me knew I wasn't mourning the loss of Hinami's mother. Not really.

I was in mourning for myself and my pride.

My stupid pride, my stupid, childish assumption that I could sweep in to this tragedy of a story and fix things. Because even when I said I couldn't, even when I claimed to know that I wouldn't be able to change much, some stupid part of me, wondering at my extended life, thought that maybe, just maybe, I was special enough that I could.

God, I'm such a fucking idiot.

I propelled myself forward. If I had energy to think, I wasn't running hard enough, and I picked up the pace, stretching out my stride. I didn't have a destination in mind - I didn't have any place in particular that I wanted to go. But I found myself swinging by Kaneki's place, pausing for breath outside the building, staring at the black window. If I remembered correctly, he was training with Touka now. He'd be tired. I didn't want to bother him.

But I stayed there for a minute longer, staring up, sweat sticking my clothes to my skin as I panted. I only turned to leave when another window lit up - one that wasn't his, and I bolted out of sight and off down the street.

Just add 'Stalking' to my growing list of hobbies, right underneath 'Being Eaten by Ghouls' and 'Getting Caught in Life Threatening Situations'.

However, it seemed only natural at that point to go past Anteiku while I was at it.

I alternated between walking and jogging now, and wishing I had brought some water. Really, this entire thing was rather poorly planned. But I felt a little better - mentally, that is. My body was throwing a fit, aching and rebelling as each step hurt a little more. And when your body is so thoroughly vexed with you, it's easy to drown out everything else. So when I reached the shop, looking rather bereft of its sign, I popped down onto the steps and sighed, laying back for the top step to cradle my head.

I closed my eyes, and I heard silence.

And then I opened them a moment later to have my view disrupted by soft locks of pale white. I stared plainly at the pale face hidden in the disarray, finding grey eyes returning the stare calmly. I hadn't even heard him show up - be it from inside the building or outside. He was silent as the grave, standing over me like a statue, and I slowly sat up, wincing at my sore muscles. If he noticed, he didn't comment, simply walked around me to the door, which he held open for me quietly.

It made me nervous. I hadn't seen him since the park - since Uta had come to the coffee shop. Since Touka had almost killed me. His expression was neutral, as it always seemed to be. No anger or dislike that I could tell. Did he know about my involvement with Hinami? Surely he did. So what was this?

An invitation - or a demand?

I blinked at him before slowly rising to my feet. He towered over me - but he seemed calm.

So I walked inside.

Yomo Renji shut the door behind me and flipped the lock shut.

So…. things have changed a lot for me this last year. That big job? Lost it. Moved back home and have been crashing on my moms couch since. I found another job, but it's garbage, money is so tight and god, I just feel like a failure, you know? Things have been… really bad haha.

I hope 2018 is better.

And I'll try to be better for you guys.

I can't even begin to go through all the people who left such amazing, kind reviews. It brought me to tears every time I saw a new review, that people still cared about my story even though its so old and sometimes i cringe at it. You guys are why I won't ever give up this story. It might take me a long time to update, but I won't give up.

This hasn't been edited by my beta, I wrote the last half of this in about a day, which you might be able to tell. I'll update this when she can get her hands on it and make it decent.

On a side note - would you guys like it if I made a tumblr blog for ode to sleep? You guys could submit questions or posts or fanart if there is any, and it might be a nice way to get in touch with you all outside of fanfiction. Let me know in a review!

Again, thank you guys so much. This is for you. I hope it's at least enough to tide you over until I can either update this and make it better or get the next one posted.

lotsa love,

Calloniel