Chapter 13 - I did not mean to hurt my little girl
"I don't deserve to be loved."
Ron stopped walking and turned back to stare at her open mouthed.
"What?"
Hermione dropped her gaze to the ground.
"I just don't understand it," she said softly unable to meet his eyes, "I don't understand how you can still care about me, still worry about me when I've done this horrible thing."
She heard Ron take a deep breath.
"Everyone deserves to be loved Hermione," Ron said reaching over as though to hold her hand but he stopped at the last minute, "Isn't that what you always told me?"
Hermione sighed and turned her head so that she was looking out at the forest near them.
"I'm not - the girl that you love so much..." Hermione trailed off moving so that her entire body was now turned away from Ron, "I'm not that girl. She was smart, caring and everyone loved her..."
Hermione folded her arms across her body. She thought for a moment before continuing.
"If I am to be loved," Hermione was surprised to feel her throat tighten as she spoke, "I want to be loved for me, for the person I am...not because I look like someone else."
A gust of wind blew past them and Hermione felt the chill cut through her clothes.
"First of all not everyone loved you."
She shot him an annoyed look.
"Well, its true," he said with a cheeky smile on his face, "You were so bossy and nosy sometimes - but, those of us lucky enough to know you did care about you."
She heard Ron say before something warm and heavy dropped onto her shoulders.
She looked down and realised that Ron had taken off his cloak. He moved forward as though to continue walking, or perhaps he just couldn't bring himself to look at her anymore.
"That's what makes it so hard," he continued, "Even if you can't see it, even if you refuse to accept it - you are Hermione."
She saw his jaw clench and his eyes - his eyes were so sad.
"All this time I've been trying to be someone I'm not. Calm, collected, smart - someone who thinks things through before acting...I thought that's what you wanted," Ron turned away from her and spoke through gritted teeth, "But I was never good enough I suppose....I suppose we're both trying to be someone we're not."
He turned away from her completely and began walking once more.
"How can you say that?" Hermione ran forward to grab his arm and force him to turn and look at her.
"After everything I did? If anything Hermione, the Hermione you know that is, she's the one whose not good enough."
Ron stared down at her for a moment before a strange smile crossed his face.
"Whatever your," he saw her flinch and he corrected himself, "Whatever her reasons were - I have to trust that she believed that she was doing the right thing."
Hermione stared up at him baffled.
"How can you say that?" she questioned her voice barely a whisper.
If he hadn't been standing so close he might not have heard her but he did and he looked at her with a strange expression. That expression made her feel a thousand times more worse. She knew his answer before he even spoke the words.
"You," he placed his hands on her shoulders and stared straight down into her eyes, as though to drill into her the fact that he knew exactly who she was and she could feel herself trembling beneath his gaze, "You always did what you thought was right, you always had a mind of your own..."
They stood staring at each other and she knew that if it were anyone else she would feel uncomfortable with the intense way he was staring at her and the closeness of their bodies but somehow she didn't. She felt - safe.
He stepped back from her after a moment. She saw Ron's eyes narrow as he spoke, as though he was torn between anger and - another much stronger emotion.
"I wouldn't lo - " she saw him grit his teeth before he took a breath and continued, "I wouldn't care about you as much as I do if you didn't fight for what you believed in. And you're still that way now, fighting because you want to find a way to free the other muggleborns."
It took her mind a moment to register his words.
"What - how...how do you know that?"
"Know what?" he said in confusion.
"How do you know that I've been researching ways to free the muggleborns?"
She saw Ron's face tense before he stepped away from her.
She felt her mind working, as though slowly piecing together a puzzle.
"The letter," she said slowly taking a step away from him as her breathing excellerated, "You have been reading my letters!"
After everything that had happened that night she had completely forgotten about finding her letter in Ron's room.
"Those were private," she said feeling her cheeks flush with anger and embarrassment.
"Hermione - I - "
"Was that another way to get back at me?" she said feeling more confused than ever about the person standing in front of her, "I don't know if I am the Hermione you care about so much," she said wiping the tears from her eyes, she was so tired of crying, "All I know is that a friend, a person who cares about me, wouldn't invade my privacy like this."
She pushed past him and ran back to Hogwarts.
The wind wiping her hair around her face painfully, but she didn't care, she had to get away from him. She felt so confused and angry, she hated everything and everyone - she just wanted to get away from this place.
She just wanted everything to be simple again.
Without realising it she had run all the way up to the Owlery. She stopped and tried to steady her breathing.
She needed to write to Lance. Had he even been receiving her letters?
It was only after she had calmed down did she realise that she didn't have paper, or a quill. But she had to make sure that Lance was still talking to her, that he wasn't being tracked by wizards. Would Ron do that? Put everyone she knew under surveillance, for some reason that thought didn't comfort her, it made her feel exposed and manipulated. Ron was right about one thing at least, she was her own person, she would fight with all her strength rather than simply be some damsel in distress waiting to be rescued. She knew enough of the weak willed characters so often found in popular fiction, the kind of books the girls she hated read. She didn't want to be that girl, someone who fell apart when their boyfriend left them or someone who goes from one man to another simply because she could live without a man in her life. Hermione took a deep breathe of fresh and chilly air. She was independent damnit and no one, not even Ronald Weasley would tell her what to do, not anymore.
She reached up and tore out the ribbon that Ron had given her. She quickly walked over to an Owl and tried to tie a ribbon around its leg. The little bird flew off as did those around it when she approached them. Hermione frowned.
She walked over to some other owls but they too flew away.
"They won't come."
Hermione gasped and jumped back when she heard someone speak near her.
Helena was standing in the doorway watching her. She really didn't know what Helena made of her. Hermione was sure her clothes and hair were dishevelled and she realised only now that she was still wearing Ron's cloak.
"They won't come?" Helena repeated walking forwards.
Hermione took another step back holding the parcel in her hands close to chest as a shield.
Helena continued towards her and Hermione tried to think of how she would fight her off.
Then just as she reached Hermione, Helena turned and walked up the spiral staircase that led to the next level of the Owlery.
Hermione stood frozen for a moment confused. Then Helena walked back down, a brown Owl resting on her arm, a letter tied to its leg.
Helena patted the owl softly and the bird cooed affectionately.
"Demetri, please take this letter to my mother," Helena said to the owl, she held the little bird up to her face and the owl nuzzled her face before it flew out the nearest window.
Helena turned back to Hermione as though she had only just noticed her in the room.
"None of them will take your letters," Helena said when Hermione continued to stare at her.
Helena turned to watch her owl fly off into the distance before turning as though to leave the Owlery.
"Why not?" Hermione said quickly taking a tentative step forwards.
"Draco," Helena replied turning her head slightly to look at Hermione, "Draco ordered them."
Hermione furrowed her brown in confusion as she watched Helena walk down the steps and out of the Owlery.
"Draco Malfoy," she repeated to herself.
He ordered the owls to refuse to take her letters. She felt something nudge her slightly.
'Ron...was he...' she looked at the owls around her, 'Was he actually taking her letters to deliver them?'
'No,' she realised quickly, 'I haven't written to Lance since that day Malfoy attacked me here...'
Hermione let out a frustrated sigh.
She walked out of the Owlery slowly and made her way back to the school. As she did, she looked down the hilly slopes and saw Helena sitting under a tree that overlooked the lake.
It was cold, so much so that Hermione had to pull Ron's cloak closer to her body to keep herself warm, but Helena sat outside just staring at the lake. Hermione walked towards the girl but remained unnoticed. There was a book laid out on her lap, and a piece of parchment and quill floated beside her.
'Studying?' Hermione wondered, 'Isn't she cold?'
"Hey!"
Hermione jumped when someone shouted.
She turned and saw a furious looking Ginny storming up to her.
"Get inside now!"
Hermione stared wide eyed at her friend before she ran back towards the school. Ginny followed her, as they approached the school Hermione felt Ginny grab Ron's cloak off her.
Hermione stared at her friend in shock.
"People are watching," Ginny whispered.
She was right, Hermione had been so wrapt up in her own world that she hadn't noticed people around her. Of course they would wonder why she was wearing her Masters clothes.
"Yes - uh - ma'am."
She thought she saw Ginny wince when Hermione call her ma'am but she turned and walked back into the building. When she reached the common room she released a sigh of relief.
Ginny fell in behind her and headed towards the Girls dormintory, motioning for Hermione to follow her.
Once the door was closed behind them, Ginny turned back to look at her.
"Hermione, are you alright?" she said in concern, "You're white as a ghost, I hope I didn't frighten you just now. It would look strange if you walked in wearing Ron's robes."
"Y-yes I know," Hermione said quickly.
'She probably doesn't know about my fight with Ron,' she realised placing the parcel in her arms on one of the beds.
"You can change in here," Ginny said taking out her wand, "I'll lock the door."
"W-where are you going?" Hermione wondered when Ginny stepped outside.
"I'll get Dobby to bring you some warm tea, you look frozen solid," Ginny explained and Hermione couldn't help but return Ginny's smile.
"Thank you."
Ginny shrugged and was about to close the door behind her when Hermione stopped her.
"H-have you seen Ron?" she questioned swallowing nervously.
Ginny looked at her in confusion before shaking her head.
"I thought he was with you," Ginny replied.
"I'm sure he's fine though," Ginny added quickly when Hermione bit her lip nervously.
Hermione nodded her head and watched as Ginny closed the door, leaving her alone. She turned back to look at the parcel in front of her. She sighed and opened it up.
She was already regretting her words.
Sure she was angry about him reading her letters but she knew that what she was really angry about was -
Hermione sighed.
"Because I'm not her," Hermione said softly as she unwrapt the parcel, "I'm not the one you love."
Hermione stared down at the clothes that were folded neatly inside the parcel. She felt a heavy weight press down on her chest as she picked up the maroon coloured apron with a Gryffindor Badge and Ron's name sewn just above the chest.
On the bed lay a clean white button shirt with a simple red and gold ribbon tied in a bow around the collar. Red and Gold cross stitched long socks peaked out from underneath a simple knee length maroon coloured dress.
As she stood there staring at the clothes she felt confusion and sadness overtake her.
Everything about the outfit was just more proof, if she needed it that Ron really did know her. He knew her favourite shoes, what kind of clothes made her uncomfortable, like the way too short skirt she was currently wearing.
Hermione sighed and placed the apron back on the bed. She ran a hand over the crisp clean white apron.
"I don't understand you - Hermione."
Hermione awoke with a start.
She cried out in pain.
Her head - her arms, legs...every part of her ached. She felt as though her whole body was on fire and yet at the same time her head - felt like ice. Numb with a constant dull pain pulsing through her head.
Dark. So dark.
Hermione began to panic.
'I can't see!'
"What's going on? Help me - someone!"
Hermione was shocked when instead of words all she heard were gargled noises.
Sweat dripped down her -
Merlin. Hermione reached up and felt her head.
She could feel her chest rise and fall quickly as her breathing quickened.
Something was on her. On her face, her head -
Her fingers tried to pull away at whatever it was...
It took her a few moments to realise that it was bandages.
A sharp pain ran through her arms and chest and her fingers fell to her sides limply. Try as she might, she couldn't control them. Her hands remained motionless on the bed.
She opened her mouth to cry out for someone - anyone.
Her mouth felt dry - as though it were filled with cotton wool.
She wanted to scream but everything felt so sore.
She felt so tired.
She stopped trying to move. Her body ached too much and she felt exhausted.
Tears sprang to her eyes from the pain and frustration she felt.
Unable to move or speak she was finally able to hear the sound...
It was the sound of waves crashing.
She was near the sea?
Last thing she remembered...she had been at St Mungo's hospital.
She strained her mind to remember but nothing it appeared, not even her mind would co-operate with her.
She felt exhaustion and the darkness finally envelop her once more. She couldn't resist as unconsciousness took her.
She didn't know how much time had passed when she next awoke but she could hear someone moving near her.
She started in shock when someone touched her.
"It's me," she heard a familar yet hoarse voice say, "I'm cleaning your bandages."
"Rrr---" she couldn't get much more out of her mouth. Her throat still ached and she could taste blood on her tongue.
"Yeah," Ron said in reply, clearly this was not the first time they had spoken. How long had they been here?
She wanted to talk to him - ask him so many questions.
"I know," he said as though reading her mind, "Later, when you're -- when you --"
She heard his voice break and he stopped talking completely.
"Later," he said once more.
She felt the pressure on her head lessen.
He was changing her bandages. But her eyes remained closed, she couldn't even open them. After a while she gave up trying and just lay there.
She tried to wiggle her fingers and was finally able to move them. She moved her hand slowly over to where she thought he was.
Her hand touched his leg. His motions stilled.
He was sitting on the bed with her.
After a moment he reached down and touched her hand, he held it - gently, almost as though he expected her to break. Was she that injured?
She felt a stab of guilt when she briefly wondered if she would be permanently scarred. She didn't think herself that shallow and yet -- and yet how could she not wonder.
She felt Ron's hand leave hers but she left her hand resting on his knee.
It comforted her, knowing he was close. He was there. Even if she didn't understand anything else, if Ron was with her then she would be fine.
After a while she began to drift off to sleep. She tried to resist because she wanted to be awake with Ron but again her body refused to listen to her.
In a few moments she fell back to sleep.
"She's fine..."
Hermione awoke to the sound of Ron talking.
"I know...I'm okay..."
The way he was talking it sounded like a telephone conversation. But that couldn't be...Ron didn't know how to use the telephone, he still had trouble pronouncing it properly.
"How's Harry?"
Harry?
Hermione tried to concentrate when she heard her friends name.
"Is he alright?"
A long silence...clearly whoever Ron was talking to was explaining something to him.
"You think someone put his name in on purpose?"
That didn't make sense to Hermione at all.
"Hmmm....yeah..."
The rest of the conversation wasn't very revealing and Hermione soon drifted off to sleep once more, making a mental note to question Ron later...if she could even talk that is.
Hermione felt something warm trickle down her throat.
She grimaced. The feeling of having someone feed her was incredibly uncomfortable. She was used to doing everything on her own and she considered herself so independent. To have to rely on another...she would be lying if she said she didn't feel embarrassed, ashamed and useless.
She felt something soft on her face once more. It was then that she realised that most of the bandages of her face had been removed. She could now only feel the back and top her head wrapt up in the soft bandages.
What then was the -
"Towel," Ron spoke answering her unspoken question.
He was getting good at that. She wondered whether he had cast a charm on her so that he could read her mind. For some reason she felt herself flush at the thought.
"Some of the potion has spilt down your neck," Ron continued cutting through her thoughts.
Hermione tried to open her eyes but unfortunately she still seemed unable to see. A brief flash of panic made her heart race. What if she was blind - permanently?!
Ron seemed to notice panic because his hand instantly touched the side of her face.
"Shhhh..." he said in a low voice, "You're fine."
She thought that he sounded almost convincing this time.
"A few more - " he stopped suddenly and Hermione felt herself deflate, he was lying to her.
"A little longer and you'll be able to get out of this bed."
She didn't know if he knew what he was doing but his large hands were caressing the side of her face. The feeling was soothing and she leaned her face into his hands, hoping that he understood that she was trying to thank him.
"Don't..." he trailed off and Hermione stilled her movements.
"You don't need to thank me," he said in barely a whisper.
Hermione felt her heart beat slowing to a normal rate once more.
She opened her mouth but realised that she couldn't speak, she leaned into his hand one more.
'Thank you.'
Even if he couldn't hear her, she would say those a thousand times over.
Hermione sat hugging her knees to her chest.
She was sitting in the hallway just outside Ron's dorm room. Though they had avoided each other after the Hogsmeade visit, every night she still found a thick blanket and pillow waiting for her outside his door.
Hermione stared into the blue-bell fire that glowed in the lamp that floated above her head.
Something dark and covered with barbs knawed at her insides.
Ron was so kind...
Even if there weren't the present evidence of his -- affection for her she had remembered. That dream, the reason she couldn't get back to sleep.
The memory was so -
Hermione closed her eyes as guilt washed over her.
Ron had stayed with her all those months that she had been falling in and out of consciousness. He had comforted her, talked to her, had been there when she wanted to cry but couldn't. After those memories had returned to her she felt the familiar guilt gnaw at her insides. He had spent a whole year taking care of her, after all that time, he probably didn't even notice when he overstepped boundaries and become overly protective. She wasn't injured anymore though, she should show him that she could do things without his help, maybe then he would back off a little, give her space to breath.
Still now, as she sat recalling the memory in her mind she couldn't understand how he had known exactly what she needed. However he had managed to read her thoughts when she was recovering from her injuries, he was obviously still able to use that skill today. The fact that he had known exactly what she had been thinking the other day in the Great Hall was proof enough.
What bothered her more than anything else was that she didn't even understand what she was thinking.
She couldn't deny that she felt attracted to him. That much she knew but she didn't understand why. The different parts of her memory and her mind were at war with each other. One part of her knew that Ron was her best friend, that they've known each other for years and that he cared about her a lot. And the part of her that she had until recently thought was reality, thought he was her Master, that she was to do whatever he told her and that he couldn't care if she lived or died.
Hermione held her head in her hands, fighting the temptation to just scream at the top of her lungs.
She didn't have a problem being angry at Hermione, the girl who had erased her memories, because she still didn't - couldn't accept that they were the same person. But she had no way of skiving the guilt and blame she felt for the way she had been treating Ron ever since her memory returned.
She had shouted at him, pushed away from him, avoided him - and for what? A few letters? So what if he read them?
He must of had his reasons. Hermione felt a heavy weight press down on her. Yes, if she knew anything at this moment it was that Ron would never intentionally hurt her. If he had done something like read her letters - her very private letters than he - would - have - a - reason...
Hermione thoughts wandered off.
She knew. If she thought about it rationally - then yes. Ron would never do anything to hurt her. But a part of her was still hurt, angry that he would invade her privacy like that.
Hermione let out a frustrated sigh.
'I'm so confused!' she groaned internally.
'Tell me Hermione. Tell me what I'm supposed to do?'
'What do you want to do?' she heard the voice inside her head question back.
'I want to confront him about the letters, get him to explain why he was reading them,' she answered.
Hermione felt the weight lessen slightly.
'Yes. I will ask him to explain.'
Satisfied with her decision she lay back down on the pillow and tried to get some sleep.
Ron was avoiding her.
When he had opened his door the following morning to find her staring at him with a determined expression on her face, his had visibly paled.
Once more she wondered if he really did cast a charm on her to be able to read her mind. Because he had instantly rushed past her and into the boys bathroom. Since then he had been avoiding her.
And it wasn't exactly like she could confront him with all these people around. Obviously she would raise their suspicions if she began arguing and demanding answers from her Master.
But to be perfectly honest, that was the least of her concerns at the present moment.
Hermione looked at Ron from the corner of her eye. He was sitting on the sofa in the common room and he was with Helena. Hermione was standing just behind the sofa trying to look disinterested.
She couldn't understand what he was doing. He had said that he wasn't the least bit interested in Helena, that she was just some girl that his parents had foisted on him for some unknown reason and yet there he sat next to her on the sofa.
Hermione tugged at her collar, anything to stop her hands from reaching over and hitting Ron or at least place a more respectable distance between him and Helena.
She wanted to confront him about the letters but when he arrived in the common room that afternoon, he had been with Helena. He had carried her books in for her, and held the entrance of the common room open for Helena to walk inside. Ever since then they had just been sitting there on the sofa, Helena reading her book and Ron - well Ron was just making small talk with Helena.
Helena answered his questions in her usual droll voice not once taking her eyes off her book but Ron persisted anyway.
Hermione meanwhile had been standing a few metres away watching them. She had tried to approach Ron but he had sent her away to clean up his room. She wanted to protest but with the common room so crowded and Helena sitting right there she could only glare at his head and walk up the stairs. She came down half an hour later she found Helena and Ron leaning over a book.
Helena seemed to be discussing something with Ron and Ron actually looked - he looked genuinely interested in what the girl was saying.
Hermione felt something tighten inside her and at the same time she felt something snap. She could feel her fingers digging into her palms and looked down in surprise to realise that she was clenching her hands so tightly that the whites of her knuckles were visible.
She had thought Ron was just talking to Helena to get a reaction from Hermione but as she watched them she was became increasingly confused.
Ron had spent time with Helena at the Ministry over the summer, the same summer that he was trying to get over her. Hermione felt a sinking sensation in her stomach as a thought occurred to her.
Could it be possible that Ron did get over her? And that it was Helena who had helped him do that?
Was that why his parents had been okay with Ron getting engaged with her?
Hermione's eyes widened in shock at the thought.
'But what do I care. It's not like I...whoever he dates or gets married to is none of my...'
Oh, who was she kidding. She liked him. She couldn't understand it, didn't even know when the feeling had taken root but it was too late now.
As she watched him sit and talk with Helena, heck if he talked to any girl these days she felt a tug at her chest as a cold sensation ran through her.
'So, I have a little crush - perfectly normal,' Hermione rationlised, 'All these memories of him being nice and all those times he had taken care of me even when I didn't remember who he was...who wouldn't get a crush on him in those circumstances?'
Hermione flexed her fingers, unclenching them.
'But it's not like I actually have feelings for him beyond -'
She could feel her mouth hanging open in the air.
Helena had just leaned over, she was far too close to Ron.
"It's not proper!" she heard herself say.
Ron and Helena turned to look at her and Hermione realised with alarm that she had spoken aloud.
But who cares about that. She was angry - No. She was bloody pissed off!
Hermione marched over and glared down at her Master.
Ron and Helena watched her movements, and she could have sworn she saw a look of amusement on Ron's face. This only angered her more.
To Hermione's surprise it was Helena who spoke first.
"Hello," Helena said her face still expressionless and clearly unfazed by the furious expression on Hermione's face.
"Yes? What is it?" Ron said when Hermione still didn't speak.
Hermione turned to look at him.
"I - I..." she gritted her teeth and forced her mouth into a smile but by the way Ron was clearly trying not to laugh she was pretty sure her expression looked ridiculous, "I was wondering," she spat out through gritted teeth, "if you and your fiance would like some refreshments."
She placed particular emphasis on the word and though Helena didn't seem to notice Ron certainly did, though it seemed to amuse him more than anything else and he covered his mouth with his hands to cover up a smile.
"Helena," Ron turned to look at the girl beside him, "You like Lady Grey tea don't you?"
'How do you know what she likes?!' she wanted to shout at him but she stopped herself.
It may have been her imagination but when Ron had turned to talk to Helena, Hermione thought she saw him smirk up at her.
Her fingers were itching to reach over and strangle him. Was he trying to make her lose her cool?
"With honey."
Hermione started and stared at Helena.
"Huh?" she bit her own tongue, she felt like a moron.
"Lady Grey tea with honey," Ron repeated with a smile.
To anyone else he probably looked completely innocent but she saw the daring glint in his eyes. Almost like he were egging her on, expecting her to erupt in fury at any moment, well she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Hermione smiled back hoping that her thoughts were being broadcast loud and clear for Ron to hear.
'You will pay for this.'
She was pretty sure he understood her because he gave a lopsided grin before turning back to Helena.
Hermione felt rooted to the spot. That smile, it - was - familiar.
"Now, would be preferable."
Hermione looked back and found both Ron and Helena looking up at her.
"Oh, oh yes of course," she said before running off towards the kitchens.
It was only for a second, but when he smiled at her...she could have sworn she could hear the sound of the sea wash over her.
Hermione threw her apron on the bed in frustration.
"Bad day?" Ginny questioned looking up from the magazine she was leafing through.
"Your brother - ugh! I just - " Hermione let out another frustrated growl before she began pacing the room.
"It's like he does things just to - ugh!"
Hermione stopped in her pacing when Ginny started laughing.
"Guess some things never change," Ginny said looking up at her from where she lay on the bed.
Hermione stared at Ginny.
That's right, Ginny had told her that she use to argue with Ron all the time. Was this normal then? Did he always do things to make her lose her cool - to make her angry?
"It's only cause he knows you can't retaliate that he does it," Ginny continued, "But then again, you always found a way to make him regret it later on."
Hermione felt the sides of her lips twitch at the thought.
'Hmmm...how should I make him pay?'
Ginny moved so that she was on her stomach and could see Hermione more clearly.
"So what is it this time? It can't be worse than the day Harry's had."
"Why? What's happened to Harry?" Hermione wondered curiously, her thoughts of revenge flying out the window.
"Just a bad date with Cho Chang," Ginny made a face when she said the girls name before waving her hand in the air, "Forget that, lets just talk about why you're pissed off at my brother."
"Cho Chang?" Hermione repeated slowly, the name wasn't familar to her.
"Ravenclaw," Ginny explained, "Harry's had a thing for her since last year."
"Last year," Hermione repeated slowly.
She saw Ginny raise an eyebrow at her words.
"Remember something did we?" her friend asked her curiously.
"No," she said instantly and far too quickly.
Ginny scoffed.
"What did you remember?" Ginny continued ignoring Hermione's obviously fake answer, "You and Ron snogging on the beach perhaps?"
The way Ginny spoke Hermione got the impression that she wouldn't be surprised if that had actually been true. Hermione felt her face heat up at the thought. Was her relationship with Ron that serious that his family knew about it?
"So everyone knows we had a - special relationship..." Hermione trailed off her thoughts returning to her dream.
"Please anyone with eyes could tell you two were attracted to each other," Ginny replied, "Why else would you always be at each others throats? If that didn't scream frustrated sexual tension, I don't know what does."
Hermione was pretty sure she was staring at Ginny open mouthed.
"By the way are you prepared for tonight?" Ginny moved the subject along when it became clear that Hermione was far to shocked to contribute further to the conversation.
"I think so," Hermione said a look of concern crossing her face as she tried to contemplate what to expect at tonights D.A. meeting.
"I'm sure everyone will be thrilled to see you again," Ginny said getting up off the bed, "They haven't seen you since - well since you've returned to Hogwarts."
Hermione felt that strange and uncomfortable feeling rise within her. She didn't think she would ever be comfortable with people referring to her past - a past she herself didn't even remember. It was like letting everyone see her deepest darkest secrets and yet being unable to see them herself. At that thought, the image of herself bandaged and unable to see resurfaced in her mind and she felt herself shivering visibly.
"Hermione, are you alright?" Ginny asked in concern, "You look like you're going to be sick."
"I'm fine," Hermione said after pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, she looked up at Ginny and tried to smile, "Thank you."
Ginny watched her for a moment before nodding her head, not exactly satisfied but accepting that Hermione did not wish to discuss the matter further.
"Let's get something to eat," Ginny suggested.
As if by habit Hermione nodded her head and instantly made her way towards the servants entrance of the common room. When Ginny saw what she was doing she instantly grabbed her arm.
"I meant together," Ginny said in a whisper, "I wasn't ordering you."
Hermione blushed. She had been so distracted by her inner thoughts that she had acted without thinking.
Hermione stopped just as she was able to reply when she saw Helena walk past them and out the common room. Hermione's eyes narrowed as she watched the girl leave. It wasn't like Helena had done anything to upset her but the very fact that she could do what Hermione could not was maddening.
Hermione nodded her head towards the common room entrance and Ginny followed her gaze. Helena had a book bag on one shoulder that she was readjusting as she pushed open the portrait entrance.
"Shall we follow her?" Hermione whispered.
"What?" Ginny said but then quickly lowered her voice when several eyes swung in their direction, "Are you mad? What would Ron say?"
"He trusts me," Hermione said in reply, the words felt like poison on her lips.
He trusts the girl that he thought was her. Still, Hermione thought, I do believe this is the best strategy.
"Invite her for lunch," Hermione said quickly a plan already forming in her mind, "We can spend time with her, observe her."
Ginny looked at her warily, still unconvinced.
"It wouldn't be odd for you to spend time with your brother's fiance would it?"
Ginny bit her lip in contemplation before nodding her head.
"You're right," Ginny finally agreed, "come on lets go before we lose her."
They finally found Helena sitting underneath a large oak tree that sat on a slightly sloping hill that looked down at the Lake. Hermione could see as she and Ginny approached Helena that there was a small group of students gathering at the bottom of the hill. They were on their brooms and playing an amateur game of quidditch near the waters edge.
Helena seemed undisturbed by the noise and chatter of the students and was currently perusing a large leather bound book.
Once they had arrived next to her, Ginny shared an uncomfortable look with Hermione. Helena was completely ignoring them. After a moment Ginny cleared her throat. Helena slowly looked up at them.
She seemed to recognise Hermione but she turned to look at Ginny expectantly.
"We were wondering if you would like to join us for a picnic lunch," Ginny said her face flushing as the words left her mouth.
Helena looked from Ginny to Hermione.
"But you have no food," Helena said after a moment.
'Idiot!' Hermione cursed herself.
"I-I'll go get -"
"No," Helena stopped Hermione just as she was turning back towards the school, "I'm not hungry."
"Well...well perhaps we'll join you anyway, its such a lovely day," Ginny said trying her best to smile at Helena.
Even Hermione didn't believe that. It was a horrible to be outside. The skies were cloudy and temptous, she wouldn't be surprised if it had started raining. The wind was also cold and biting and cut through Hermione's thin servants outfit.
Helena didn't reply, instead she turned back to her book and continued reading.
Ginny took this as an invitation and sat down beside Helena. Hermione followed her lead.
They remained in silence for an incredibly long time, or so it appeared to Hermione. She was trying to rack her brain for conversation starters but at the same time wondering if she, as a servant, would even be permitted to talk to Helena without her Master present.
"Ginny?"
Hermione and Ginny turned when a boy approached them. He was the Ravenclaw who Ginny was dating, Michael Corner.
"Hi Michael," Ginny said a hint of relief in her voice, clearly Hermione wasn't the only one who had been uncomfortable around Helena.
"This sure is a surprise," the Ravenclaw said stepping up to them and glancing at Helena who still had her head bent over her book, "What on earth are you doing here?"
'With her.'
It was obvious that that was what he was thinking but he stopped himself from continuing.
"Nice day for - " Ginny stopped abrubtly when a gust of wind rushed past them pushing some of Ginny's hair across her face.
Ginny wrapt her cloak around her tightly but was unable to suppress the sneeze from escaping.
"Come on," Michael held out his hand for her which Ginny took, "let's get inside before you catch a cold."
Hermione moved to follow them but Michael stopped her.
"Uh - why don't you stay with her," Michael nodded his head at Helena, "She is your Master's fiance right? she'll be your Master soon enough."
Ginny raised an eyebrow but Hermione was struck by the timing of it all. She nodded her head and gave Ginny a reassuirng nod.
This was the perfect opportunity for her to observe Helena unnoticed. With Ginny by her side, being popular as she was, she would attract far too much attention. If it was just Hermione then she could more easily observe Helena undisturbed.
"Alright," Ginny said still sounding unconvinced, "I will see you later He - Helena."
Ginny had quickly amended her mistake and Hermione nodded her head before sitting back down beside Helena.
She watched as Ginny and Michael walked back to the school building.
"Are you cold milady?" Hermione questioned, after taking a moment to determine how to correctly address Helena.
"No," Helena answered shortly.
How odd. Hermione thought to herself, she had seen Ron talking to Helena quite normally earlier that day. But then again, Hermione was a mere servant and Ron was - Ron was Helena's fiance.
A stab of pain cut through her at the thought but Hermione quickly pushed it aside and continued to observe Helena.
Helena was deeply engrossed in the book in her lap and Hermione tried to take a peek at the contents but Helena had an arm across the book and was leaning away from her so Hermione wasn't able to see much other than a few strange runes that were scribbled in the margins.
She did see a few books peeking out of Helena's book bag but unfortunately they were just plain notebooks and Hermione doubted that they would reveal much about what the Slytherin was doing.
All Hermione knew of the girl beside her was that everyone ignored Helena and she appeared to like it that way. Her thoughts returned to just a few days ago when she saw those Slytherin girls bullying and threatening Helena.
Obviously, Helena's was supposed to spy on Ron and the others but Hermione was certain that whatever made Helena agree to the engagement, it was more than just to get on the Minister's good side.
The whole situation had only confused Hermione more, all this time she had assumed that all Slytherins were spoiled, selfish and unfeeling creatures and yet watching Helena, she felt oddly uncomfortable.
Alone. Immersed in her studies. Bullied constantly...
As the words flashed in her mind Hermione felt a jolt of realisation.
Helena, Hermione realised, was what Hermione would have become had she been a Slytherin.
Hermione felt her eyes grow large as the thought sunk in before quickly dismissing the thought as ridiculous.
Just as she was beginning to agonise over that thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye.
Helena had finally looked up from her book in her lap. She was watching something down at the Lake. Hermione followed her gaze and saw the group of students who had previously been playing quidditch now settling down and talking and laughing loudly. They were members of several houses and Hermione recognised a few Gryffindors there as well.
Hermione's eyes shifted back to Helena. The book was now laying unnoticed on her lap. Hermione was finally able to see that it was an old copy of a D.A.D.A textbook, stained and ripped, with several notes written in the margins.
'That's not as exciting as I thought', Hermione thought dejectedly before her eyes returned to the scene at the bottom of the hill.
She noticed a few of Hufflepuff boys walking over to the group near the lake. Some of the students stood up and welcomed them. One of the girls stood up and ran towards the group, her short black hair was bobbing along as she ran, a large smile on her face.
She was calling out to someone in the group.
One of the boys clearly recognised her and waved at her as he and his friends continued towards her.
Hermione watched with interest, but not at the couple heading towards one another but at Helena. It had only been seconds but her face had gone from impassive and emotionless to confusion and now - whoa - was she angry?
Hermione squinted her eyes at the couple.
'Isn't that -'
Her thoughts were cut off abrubtly as she stared at the scene unfolding before them.
The girl had jumped into the Hufflepuff boy's arms and kissed him. A few cheers from the group of friends could be heard but Hermione didn't stay long to watch because Helena was already on her feet and walking away.
Hermione scrambled up from the ground and followed her.
She looked over her shoulder and noticed to her surprise that the boy, who she now recognised as Milly, had released the girl in his arms and was -
'Oh.'
Hermione's eyes widended in shock and she stopped in her tracks.
He was watching Helena walking away.
A look of concern crossed his face and he took a couple of steps towards them as though he were going to call out to her but before he could get far the girl, who Hermione presumed was his girlfriend, grabbed his arm and pulled him back towards the group, clearly oblivious that his attention was elsewhere.
The Hufflepuff shot one more glance back at Helena's retreating back before turning and following his girlfriend back to the group.
Hermione spun on her heel and ran after Helena.
She expected to find Helena fuming but when she reached her, Helena had slowed and was walking at a normal pace and her face was back to normal. She may have been holding her book bag a little too tightly but other than that her face was completely emotionless.
'I don't even know what to make of that,' Hermione thought to herself following Helena the rest of the way back to the Gryffindor common room.
As soon as they were in the room, she was greeted by Ginny.
Helena walked past her and headed up the Girls staircase.
Hermione watched her before turning to Ginny. She opened her mouth, prepared to share everything she had just seen but something stopped her.
She quickly closed her mouth again.
"Well?" her friend asked of her expectantly.
"Nothing...nothing relevant," Hermione replied, which as far as she knew was perfectly truthful.
Hermione felt Ron's hands on her lips.
She could feel her face blushing at the close contact of their bodies but since it was so dark she couldn't see his expression.
They were huddled together under Harry's invisibility cloak. They were finally going to take her to the secretive D.A. meeting but before then they had to sneak past all the students patrolling the halls. They were able to go most of the way by using the servants stairs but they had to go directly across a long hallway before reaching their desired destination.
Apparently Ginny and Harry would be meeting them there. Why Ginny couldn't have shown her the way rather than Ron was beyond her. She really didn't know what to say to Ron anymore, not that their situation called for or allowed for conversation but still she felt incredibly uncomfortable alone with him - in very close proximity with him.
They had been halfway across the hall and Hermione was rejoicing at the prospect of being freed from this uncomfortable situation when suddenly a member of the Inquisitorial squad appeared before them.
Hermione was about to gasp at the sight of the Slytherin but Ron quickly placed a hand on her mouth and pulled her back with him behind a statute of a Hog.
The Slytherin didn't appear to be leaving anytime soon, he was just pacing the hallway in front of them. In the meantime, Hermione was pressed against Ron, one arm around her waist and the other covering her mouth.
She wanted to tell him that he didn't have to hold her so tightly, that he didn't need to cover her mouth, she knew to keep quiet. But even if she could tell him, she had the feeling that she wouldn't exactly do anything to push him away.
It was a strange feeling.
She wanted to get as far away from him and yet at the same time she felt herself wanting more. She wanted to know -
Hermione gulped as an image, a quite familar image now, of her and Ron snogging flashed before her eyes.
Just as she shook the image from her head, she felt Ron's hands loosen and she could feel his body stepping away from hers.
She stared at the spot where she had seen the Slytherin just moments before. She should have stepped out of the shadows and searched the hallways but instead she turned and looked at the person behind her.
In the darkness of the shadows she could still see his eyes staring down at her setting her body on fire. She saw him gulp visibly and she watched his lips as he licked them.
Sweat was dripping down her face despite the cool night air, and her hair was pushed in every direction by the invisibility cloak, and yet Ron was staring at her like -
Hermione looked up at him.
She was just about to take a step towards him when he spoke first.
"I've been thinking," he began slowly in a whisper, "Actually I've been talking to Ginny. Maybe we should start over."
Hermione saw him rub the back of his neck uncomfortably.
"If you - if we can't go back to the way we were before - like we were at Shell Cottage- then let's start over. We can try to be friends at least, right?"
Hermione watched him for a moment, his face shrowded in darkness. After a moment she found herself nodding in agreement.
"Friends," she repeated, "That would be nice."
She smiled shyly up at him.
Flashback!
Ron was staring down at her. An intense look on his face. She felt her lips curve up at him. A hand reaching up and touching his face, her fingers trying to smooth out his furrowed brow.
"I love you."
End Flashback!
Hermione shook the memory from her mind and focused on the person standing in front of her.
'Yes, friends,' she thought to herself, 'If I push him away now, now after I know everything I do, I'd just be repeating my mistakes. Doing the same thing Hermione did. That horribly selfish thing of just erasing him from my life.'
She felt Ron's hand on her shoulder, he squeezed her arm slighlty before they both moved out of the shadows.
Hermione glanced up at Ron's back.
'I can't hurt him like that, I think it may just push him over the edge if I abandon him once more.'
Hermione's pursed her lips.
'But what can I do?' she felt like she was being spun in a dryer, 'I've already become so dependent on him and I don't want that. The whole point of my research was so that I could become independent of my Master.'
Hermione realised as she walked along behind Ron that whether she liked it or not, she and Ron were linked. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't remove him from her life, she cared about him too much. She wasn't entirely sure when her feelings had reached this point, and perhaps she was just reacting from the flow of memories that had been resurfacing but either way, she didn't want to leave him, not again.
But at the same time, if she and Ron were to become close once more, and if something were to happen to her - it would push him over that edge. He wouldn't be able to come back from that. She knew it. She saw it in his eyes. Like at any moment his fascade would crack, like glass and be washed away.
So wrapt up was she in her own thoughts that she walked straight into Ron when he had stopped. Her eyes widened however when in front of her eyes what had been a plain stone wall had suddenly changed into a door.
Ron stepped forwards and she followed.
Once they were inside, he pulled the cloak off of them and Hermione was momentarily blinded by the light.
A chorus of people sang out her name the instant the door closed behind them and the room was flooded with light.
"WELCOME BACK HERMIONE!" a large banner read and as her eyes slowly descended on the faces in front of her she felt her lips curving up into a huge smile.
"Lavender! Anna!" she cried out running towards her friends.
They looked at her shyly before running forwards to meet her before they each hugged her tightly.
"Are you very angry with us?" Anna said the moment they stepped back from each other.
"Angry?" Hermione said in confusion.
"We've been going to the D.A. meetings," Lavender explained, "I only found out about it recently, Seamus told me about it."
"The only thing is," Anna continued, "You can't be at Hogwarts if you attend the D.A. its just too dangerous."
"Wait - how long have you two been here? And where exactly is here?" Hermione eyes finally ascended upwards and she stared around at the room.
The wooden floors and panneled walls reminded her of an old gym. There were mattreses on the ground and stacks of books scattered around the room.
"What is the D.A.?" Hermione said after a moment.
"Dumbledore's Army," a voice said from behind her.
Hermione turned and saw Harry walking up to her, Ginny by his side. She glanced around briefly when she didn't see Ron. She finally spotted him near a group of Ravenclaws. She turned back to Harry when he reached her.
"Dumbledore, as in the Headmaster?" Hermione said looking at Harry in confusion, "Why on earth would you name something after him?"
A few surprised faces looked back at her.
"I mean," Hermione quickly added, "I know he's a brilliant wizard but he's not exactly pioneering for changes in the Ministry."
Harry narrowed his eyes at her.
"He saved your life, and the lives of everyone in this room," Harry said glaring at her angrily.
Hermione widened her eyes in shock.
"What?"
Ginny placed a hand on Harry's arm and pushed him aside so that she was facing Hermione.
"Whether you remember or not," Ginny said shooting Harry a disapproving look, "He is the one who has been organising an underground group."
"The Order of the Phoenix," Lavender said stepping up beside Hermione, "Some of the Hogwarts teachers are members and they teach us muggleborns."
"Teach?" Hermione said in surprise, "You guys have been having secret lessons?"
Again Anna looked at her guiltily.
"It's been mostly done during the school breaks and a few times a month," Anna explained.
"Dumbledore has been keeping the Ministry distracted so that they don't notice what he's doing," Ginny continued, "keeping them placated by his non-resistant attitude while at the same time secretly teaching muggleborns and other students too scared to attend school."
"H-how is this possible?" Hermione said feeling herself grow faint, this night was just one surprise after another, "And how is that I've never been..."
Hermione trailed off.
"Hang on, so - is that why I knew those spells?" Hermione realised slowly picking pieces of her memory together.
Without even realising her eyes instantly went to where she had last seen Ron.
He was no longer there, having wandered off while she had been talking to Harry and the others. But if this was true, if the muggleborns were still being taught and protected by Dumbledore and the teachers then...there was no reason for her to take down the Ministry. There was no reason for her to push Ron away. Right?
"Oh!"
A few people turned to look at her when she suddenly spoke.
"Ginny, Harry," Hermione stepped towards them and whispered to them, "That guy Ron's talking to, that's him."
"Who?" Harry said in confusion trying to pinpoint the person Hermione was discreetly pointing at.
"Milly," Hermione said quietly, "The one who knows Helena."
At this Ginny and Harry turned to look at one another.
"No," Harry said in disbelief, "He may be a pompus twat at time but he couldn't have anything to do with a spy."
"Whose Helena?" Lavender questioned curiously and Hermione realised that since Malfoy had ordered the school owls to refuse to send her letters she hadn't been able to talk to her friend.
Her felt her body tense when she answered.
"Ron's fiance," she said through gritted teeth.
Lavender's eyes widened at this.
"Hermione," she said in a sympathetic voice.
"I'm so sorry," Anna added.
Hermione shrugged off their comments, after all it wasn't like she and Ron were in a relationship.
"Anyway, we should ask him about Helena."
"Right," Harry agreed before he turned to Lavender and Anna, "Maybe you guys should return to practicing your spells."
When Lavender frowned at him Harry quickly added.
"We don't want to seem as though we're ganging up on him."
The girls nodded and walked of, leaving Hermione with Ginny and Harry.
She followed Harry across the room, her eyes watching the other students as they practiced spells. She noticed a few adults in the room but none that she recognised. A strange girl with pink hair waved happily at her before she accidently tripped on a mattress and a few students ran over to help her up. The young woman just smiled in embarrasement before a rather pale looking man helped her up from the floor. Hermione frowned as she turned back to follow the others. That man looked so familar.
She glanced back at the pale man and though she noticed he had several deep scars on his face, no memories were triggered.
Hermione frowned in frustration.
"Well hello there Harry old chap."
Hermione turned when someone spoke. She was standing face to the face with the Hufflepuff, the only person, who Helena seemed to act normal around. He ran a hand through his short dark blond hair as he nodded at Ginny. His grey coloured eyes turned to Hermione briefly before he looked back at Harry.
"Hey Ernie," Harry said in response, "Mind if we have a chat?"
AN: I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG DELAY! I actually wrote this chapter weeks ago, but I have just moved overseas and its taken me this whole time to not only move my furniture but also to set up internet. I am happy to say that I am almost done with the next chapter so it shouldn't be too long to wait before the next one is released. I am really very sorry! I hope this uber long chapter placated all of you either angry or concerned about my disappearance.
What to expect next chapter:
- Finally learn more about Milly and Helena's relationship
- Hermione and Ron have a chance to become closer during DA meetings
- More memories of Shell Cottage helping Hermione understand her feelings for Ron better
Bonus Material:
I have been searching the net trying to find a good picture that is similar to the Helena I have in my head because I think you guys may be interested. I have managed to find one but you can decide if you want to see the picture or keep the image of Helena you have in your head. The picture is a bit of a spoiler because in a later chapter we will learn more about Helena and it may influence how you see her, and this particular picture could easily be straight from a scene I have in my head. SO MAJOR SPOILER!
Here's the link: http://img09(dot)tx(dot)us(dot)mangafox(dot)com/store/manga/1385/03-013(dot)0/compressed/fos_4thanniversary_doedoebird(dot)jpg
Replace the "(dot)" with . for the links to work, and just ignore the writing in the picture.
Response to Comments/Reviews:
Bookworm8721: You will eventually find out why though there are already hints in the previous chapters.
dream-injection: I'm sure Ron would do quite a few questionable things if it meant keeping Hermione safe especially since he is still guilt ridden about the whole shrieking shak incident but yes I think that he would prefer her to stay away from Hogwarts all together than to do something like erase here memories.
ErinFabu: You are correct, she was 'acting' as Ron's servants but they were friends and their relationship (before the shrieking shak accident) followed canon events/relationships.
connieewing: Oh yes Lance, I will bring him up more in the following chapters. I am glad you like him :) And thanks for reading!
Caelestis Amor: Oh thanks sweetie! I loved that song too.
Jump_In_A_Hole: Oh you hate Hermione? Hmmm well I hope that you will slowing love her again just like Ron will :)
Celticscorpion: YAY! I love that people are accepting of Helena, the last thing I want to is to create a Mary-Sue. She has a complicated backstory which I hope to slowly reveal as the story continues. Thanks for the lovely comments.
Lil'Hermione34: Thank you! I am sorry for the delay though :(
xo_i_love_emmet_xo: YAY! Non-confusion FTW! XD
theclumsyone5: Thanks! I'm so glad you are enjoying the story :)
Robin_of_Nottingham: 3 Thank you for your comments :) I was smiling from ear to ear by the end of it, everything you wrote is exactly what I wanted to achieve and it is so incredibly satisfying and such a relief to know that I have achieved what I have set out to do. XOXO
firefairy2917: Thanks!
sunystone: Thank you! Please continue to read and review :)
EllowynTinuviel: Yes it would be very easy to stick an 'instant resolution' sticker on this fic. Merlin so much easier! But no I want to challenge myself so I will continue with the story as I have planned from the beginning. Thanks for the love, it is truly appreciated.
OverTheMoon42: LOL _ It's up to your imagination as to what they did in the uniform, you will find out eventually though LOL But if you want to believe that they did the deed than go ahead ;) Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon and its great to know that you love the story. Thanks for commenting!
Zussie2394: LOL its good to know I have people so invested that they want me to post up a chapter a day but unfortunately it takes me a long time to write, edit and also to reply to comments not to mention real life issues, not that I'm complaining but I do like to take my time even if it drives all of you crazy. Thanks for the comments.
pearls-and-crystal-blues: "darkly adorable" oh nice! I love that description, and may just steal it for future chapters XD Thanks for your fantastic words of encouragement. XOXO
Aggiegurl12: Oh you are so sweet! I am thrilled you are enjoying the story.
TharzZzDunN: ;) My lips are sealed on Lance but there is more than meets the eye with him (wow I felt very Jo just then lol) I hope you liked this chapter, I thought the memories were very dark in this one and were hard to get through.
wow60: Thanks! I am so glad you are enjoying the character dynamics, especially in relation to Helena.
HermioneGrangerTwin: Squee! Another Helena/Milly fan! Their relationship is also complex so I hope to slowly introduce their story in the next few chapters. But I hope I can rely on you to shout at me the instant Helena or Milly become Mary/Gary-Sues, I would hate myself if I did that to them. And since you also write fanfic I know I can rely on you to spot the signs.
Can I finish the rest of the responses in the next chapter? I am just so tired right now. Apologies!