Sometimes I Hate It

by amayaXakeru

The lives we know could end at any minute, all it takes is one bad move, maybe not even made by you. John ends up in the hospital and fate has paired him with an interesting roommate, but maybe fate isn't as funny as he thinks. JohnxKarkat. M for some slight gore and violence. Some adult situations and the like. Will update fairly often.

14. Sometimes It's Obvious

Sometimes I Hate It 14:

Sometimes it's Obvious

Karkat had been enjoying his solitary Sunday night by lying on his bed wishing it was a year in the future so he could be off in college instead of this personalized hellhole. Tangled in the red and grey sheets he let his eyes glaze on the dingy ceiling until a vague ping drug him from his reveries. He absent-mindedly felt for his phone somewhere by his hip, it was less flashy model then his last phone but the previous one was nothing to showboat about either, but Karkat didn't care about that kind of stuff. As long as it got the job done what did it matter how fancy it was?

He recognized Terezi's name. It was almost twelve, and it was even later for her so he wondered what she could possibly want this late.

FROM: Terezi

K4RKLES! 1 H4V3 N3WS FOR YOU! BUT BEFORE 1 BEGIN THIS M4GN4M1OUS SH4R3 F3ST OF 1NFORMAT1ON L3T M3 JUST SAY TH4T, TH1S PR1V1L3G3D 1NFORMAT1ON 1S D1VULG3D 4T 4 V3RY P3RSON4L 3XP3NS3 OF M1N3, TH3R3FOR3 1 W1LL ONLY T3LL YOU TH3 MOST P3RV3LANT P13CES 1F YOU COOP3R4T3 :]

(RE):TO: TEREZI

WILL YOU SPIT IT OUT, I'M TIRED AND DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT.

FROM: Terezi

NOW NOW TH4TS NO W4Y TO G3T 1NFORM4T1ON, 1 W1LL G1VE YOU 3ACH P13C3 OF 1NFORMAT1ON 1F YOU ANSW3R ON3 QU3ST1ON

(RE): TO: TEREZI

THIS IS SO STUPID. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE A GAME WITH YOU PEOPLE! WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE. KEEP YOUR SHITTY SECRETS.

FROM: Terezi:

OH 1 GU3SS 1 M1SJUGD3D YOU TH3N, 1 GU3SS 4FT3R 4LL TH3S3 Y34RS 1 H4V3 NO CLUE WH4T COU1D POSS1BL3LY COUNT 4S R3L3V3NT 1NFORM4T1ON TO YOU? 1 GU3SS TH3 S4PP13ST P3RSON OF OUR GROUP DO3SNT C4R3 ON3 B1T 4BOUT 4NY POSS1BL3 ROM4NT1C 1NT3R3STS R1GHT UND3R H1S NOS3?

(RE): TO: TEREZI

GUESS NOT. WHAT A FUCKING SHAME, NOW WHO'LL COME AND MAKE ME A CHILD BRIDE SO THAT I DON'T HAVE TO LEARN ANY REAL SKILLS BESIDES LEARNING HOW TO MAKE FUNGUS FROM THE BACKYARD INTO A MEAL FOR OUR SEVEN BLIND CHILDERN; BECAUSE I'M CLEARLY A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL FROM THE 1800'S WHOSE WHOLE LIFE REVOLVES WHO CAN GET ME KNOCKED UP THE FASTEST BEFORE TYPHOID ENDS MY SHORT PATHECTIC LIFE. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING SENSIBLE I MUST NOT HAVE EATEN IN THE LAST FEW DAYS. WHAT WAS I THINKING NOT FOCUSING COMPLETELY ON THE ONLY PROSPECT THAT MATTERS?

FROM: Terezi:

:[ YOU 4R3 JUST MAKING THIS D1FF1CULT, YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO 4NSW3R M3 4ND YOU 4R3 D3L4Y1NG TH3 1NV3T1BL3! COM3 ON K4R 4PP4R3NTLY 1T'S A B1G DE4L!

(RE): TO: TEREZI

EVEN IF I DECIDED IT WAS PERTINIENT INFORMATION ENOUGH TO WASTE MY TIME BY REVEALING ANSWERS TO WHAT MOST LIKELY WILL BE HORRIBLY PERSONAL QUESTIONS THAT ARE CLEARLY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

I HAVE NO IDEA IF ANY OF IT ISNT SOMETHING YOU PULLED OUT OF YOUR MANICAL PSYCHOPATHIC ASS; HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANY OF THIS? YOU ARE AND HAVE BEEN, THANKFULLY, THOUSANDS OF BLIND-CRAZY-FREAK-FREE MILES AWAY.

FROM: Terezi

1 C4NT S33 BUT 1 H4V3 3Y3S 4ND E4RS 1N M4NY PL4C3S :]

(RE): TO: TEREZI

BYE

FROM: Terezi

W41T! F1N3, 1 H34RD 1T FROM D4V3

YOU US3D TO B3 MOR3 FUN :[

(RE): TO: TEREZI

WHO? WAIT, THAT TOOL IN SUNGLASSES? TCH I'LL HANG MYSELF WITH GAMZEE'S RANK ASS CLOWN SOCKS AND RECITE MY MEMOIRS TO AMPORA BEFORE I EVER CARE TO HEAR WHAT THAT SKINNY-JEAN- WEARIN-HIPSTER-DJ-WANNABE HAS TO SAY, ONLY SHIT THAT GUY CAN SPIN IS MY EYEBALLS INTO THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

FROM: Terezi

:/ 1 KNOW J3ALOUSY WH3N 1 S33 1T! TH3 PO1NT 1S H3 KNOWS WHO L1K3S YOU

(RE): TO: TEREZI

OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME IT'S HIM.

FROM: Terezi

4S 1F YOU COULD G3T SOM3ON3 SO COOL ;] NO 1TS SOM3ON3 YOU KNOW THOUGH

(RE): TO: TEREZI

THEN WHO? IT CAN'T BE ANYONE WORTHWHILE IF THEY KNOW HIM.

FROM: Terezi

W3LL YOU TALK TO THEM SO WH4T DO3S TH4T S4Y 4BOUT YOU? H33 H33

(RE): TO: TEREZI

WHO? THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WE HAVE IN COMMON IS SLIMMER THAN THE CHANCE I'LL GIVE A SHIT. IS IT HARLEY? I TALK TO HER THE MOST, BUT I CAN'T REALLY SEE THAT…

FROM: Terezi

4H4H 1 KN3W YOUD COM3 4ROUND! W3LL 1F YOU W4NT M3 TO SP1LL 1T YOU H4V3 TO 4NSW3R MY QU3ST1ON!

(RE): TO: TEREZI

FINE.

FROM: Terezi

DO YOU CURR3NTLY FANC3Y ANYON3? AND DON'T L1E 1 4LW4YS KNOW

(RE): TO: TEREZI

NO.

FROM: Terezi

4R3 YOU SUR3, 4R3 YOU POSTIV3 YOUR 3MOT1ON4LLY CR1PPL3D H34RT DO3SNT B34T 1TS LOUD, ANGRY SCR34M1NG PULS3S FOR 4NYON3 4T 4LL?

(RE): TO: TEREZI

NO. NOW ANSWER BEFORE I SUDDENLY STOP CARING.

FROM: Terezi

F1N3, 4P4R3NTLY TH3 3GB3RT BOY H4S 4 TH1NG FOR YOU :] 1T R34LLY GOT UND3R D4V3'S SK1N TOO YOU WOULDN'T B3L13V3 HOW GR34T H1S SUBTLE FR34KOUT S3SS1ONS 4R3

FROM: Terezi

K4K4T? 1 H4V3 PROOF 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3 :D

What? Egbert? Karkat forced his mouth to close; he really had not expected that. After all the stuff in the hospital Karkat couldn't help but feel like he was taken around back and slapped with a rake of what was surely all that was holy. Plus some. But John had never clarified his feelings had he? 'OH GOD' Karkat thought, had he led him on? He had kissed the poor kid in a state of confusion, which in retrospect could have been seen as taking advantage of the situation. And what in the clearly absent god-green earth had that weekend been? Was John trying to…to get him, or something?

He pulled his hair hard; he had not been expecting something like this. He knew he definitely did not want another Sollux fiasco, but how could even deal with being some dweeb's first admitted gay crush?

His mind echoed Friday evening's events, one moment in particularly kept urging him to examine the thought path less traveled, but how could he even think of doing anything after all the setbacks of this year? Still when John had hugged him, it surprised him. Because he didn't expect it to feel so nice, he didn't expect to feel that way. Not with the dork. He had admitted John was cute but more in an abstract way. He had agreed he didn't totally hate the guy, okay he did, but it was a very manageable sort of hate. But he knew overall he was not looking for that kind of relationship, hell he hadn't even wanted a friendship with John, but the little freak assaulted him with it. He hadn't even gotten the opportunity to consider the possibility of being pursued by this guy, let alone the reverse.

There was no way he could face John, he couldn't even think of how to begin to let him down. How do tell the person you kissed at their most vulnerable that it wouldn't work out? That you don't even think you could handle the thought of that kind of relationship. Karkat wasn't even here in his mind, he was gone, he had moved on to the next year when he'd be as far as possible from here. He wasn't sure he'd even be who he was come summertime.

No matter what he did it would end badly, and as much as every fiber of his being hated the idea of turning down being someone's first gay crush, it'd only hurt John more in the end when it didn't work out. The situation was so delicate, Karkat felt tiny strings tied to everything around him and he was fearful of the ones he would trip.

The next day Karkat sat, his breath clouding in front of him, waiting with his hands pulling at the insides of his pockets. When he saw John he saw the grim look on his red face he lifted a hand to wave hello.

"Hi-I Karkat," John's voice cracked into a high pitch 'Oh my gods' Karkat thought, it was true.

"Hey," Karkat said looking at the green looking male standing in front of him. "So I wanted to talk to you about something," Karkat tried to keep his tone even but honestly he felt he was about to punch somebody and he knew his expression probably reflected as much. Sometimes he got really irritated with being so angry all the time. Then he stopped giving a shit.

"Ha! Don't tell me you fell for it? It got out a little early but still looks like I got you!" John said weakly spreading his arms out awkwardly as if he were a jester with chronic asthma, "It was all a prank," Karkat felt his palm hit his forehead before he could stop himself, man that was weak. The kid couldn't be any more obvious, but Karkat sighed and wondered if he should go along with this easy way out by playing along with the prank excuse.

"Was it," Karkat felt decidedly a little put off, "Because that'd be pretty fucked up to do, to play with someone's feeling like that," John stuttered and shook his head.

"No, I mean I didn't want it to play out this way…" John finished weakly. "I'm sorry," John looked at his feet and Karkat wished he knew what level of the conversation he was apologizing for.

"You wouldn't want to date someone like me." Karkat said.

"No I would! I mean you're pretty cool and all." Karkat hadn't meant for John take it that way. "I think you probably be a cool b-boyfriend," Goodness John's eyes were even bluer and far more pathetic when they were wet and wide like that. "If someone liked you I mean."

"John if you like me you should come out and say it, because there is no use pussyfooting around it like repressed loser," John flinched and Karkat considered apologizing but John started to open his mouth after about a minute.

"At the hospital I woke up screaming at night and I almost hurt myself really bad," Karkat wasn't expecting this direction and certainly didn't want to bring up the source of his guilt. "When I started going to therapy I was so ashamed to have worried my family and about how terrified I am, I had anxiety attacks and when I think about it too hard I can't breathe." John clutched his chest his eyes remained fixed on the ground. "I'm okay though, but I feel really stressed out. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and light-headed and I just freak out. I just wanted you to know, that sometimes talking to you…because you were there and you know. You know, and that helps. It helps me feel grounded, like I know for sure that I am alive and I won't wake up on that road. Or that I won't wake up at all. I know I'm okay because you were there. And- And I like you Karkat" John looked up but his eyes seemed to look right through Karkat.

"I was scared of what it meant and it took me a long time to come to terms with it. I had to take a lot of time to deal with it and I had to work it out with my therapist and Rose. But I like you, and I uh understand if you don't want, to you know. Talk to me anymore," John looked down again, but Karkat couldn't tear his eyes away and he suppressed all the irritation that he had from John springing all these emotions on him so unexpectedly.

"You really are a little faker," John jolted at the sudden jeer, "You were so cocky acting like we were best friends for fucking five-ever but you really are a little pessimist. If after all the shit you put me through you really think I'd let you just wriggle your way out of this thing instead of me, you got another thing coming! You dug your own grave this time buddy and now you have to lay in it and putrefy, nope sorry you're stuck now you little shit," Karkat stood pointing with his statement and only edged back down into his seat when he saw John break a smile and chuckle.

John sat down but stayed silent, Karkat knew now was the time but there was no way he wanted to be the one to go first. He shivered and remembered how cold it was and saw that John's pale face was red and chapped from the wind. John looked up but Karkat was already looking away.

"So, I-" John stopped clearly too fearful to move forward and Karkat knew it'd be cruel to leave him dangling.

"About us," Karkat cringed "I mean it's not that I don't think that you're complete and total loser, because I do. I mean I don't want to suffocate on horse entrails so hard when I'm around you," John's face was a mixture of disgust, confusion, and few other things Karkat couldn't work out. "I could probably go about five days trapped on an island with only you, NO! NO! That's a good thing, with most people I'd immediately off myself. OH MY GODS WHY IS THIS SO HARD!"

"It's okay Kar, I didn't expect you to return my er feelings," John looked sullen with a bitter taste clearly emanating from his tongue as he spoke, "I think I'm going to go get frost bite or something for a while," John stood and Karkat panicked, this was not how this was supposed to go. John still didn't understand why it was a horrible idea.

"WAIT! NO I MEAN WHAT THE HELL! LET ME FINISH!" Karkat pulled John's sleeve "YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING! I I'M NOT SAYING NO!" Well he was but not for the reasons John was thinking, but he needed to get the boy to sit back down and the bell was going to ring. "I GOT A LOT GOING ON IS ALL OKAY? I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR KIDDY STUFF LIKE DAY DREAMS ANYMORE! I'M BUSY TRYING TO KEEP MY FUCKING HEAD TOGETHER AND IF YOU HADN'T NOTICED I CAN BE A LITTLE ON EDGE SOMETIMES!" Karkat wasn't really sure what direction he was going in but John was still staring looking as scared as ever. That was probably because Karkat was screaming loud enough to dislodge a satellite from orbit.

"I JUST- I want to keep things simple, and you can't let me have that can you! You come in here and make everything a mess, saying you like me. That's a lot of pressure, being someone's- I don't even know honestly. I just, don't think you got me all figured out! You don't know me, you don't know what I'm thinking," Karkat hid his face inside his arms; he heard the bell ring but didn't move. "I hate that, people always saying what I'll do next! Like I'm some prewritten script that everyone can read but me. I have more fucking brains than most of them! You can't just push some fucking buttons-" Karkat stopped and let his head slip and bang on the table with a growl while ruffling his hair.

"I don't think you're predictable," John whispered, "I never know what you're going to do or say, you always make me laugh." Karkat looked at him but sighed.

"Man, Egbert you don't make this easy,"

"It doesn't have to be hard, I can go. I'd really like to go. In case you hadn't noticed this is pretty much the most embarrassing moment of my life."

"Hey this isn't exactly-," Karkat noticed an administrator rounding up stragglers moving toward their direction. "Come on," Karkat signaled John towards the building but instead of entering went around the side. He hopped up and grabbed onto the fence and pushed himself over. John looked around and then back to the waiting Karkat on the other side. Swallowing he pulled himself over. Karkat lead the two into the brush surrounding the school until they reached a hollow in the trees. The highway was just on the other side of the trees but no one would see them. They were really alone now. Karkat slowed his mind down; looking at his feet he listened to the roar of cars next to them. He saw John shiver; it was even colder here in the shade of the trees.

"John," Karkat started "I'm going to be out of here as soon as graduation rolls around, and I don't want anything to hold me back here anymore."

"I have plans like that too," John said looking away; he didn't say it in any sort of pleading way but instead as if he was just stating a simple fact.

"Then you get why, why it'd suck if it somehow turned out that we work together."

"I guess," John seemed to be just as miffed as he was disappointed.

"Good." Karkat tried to swallow but couldn't seem to do it.

"Is that really all it is?" John's teeth were completely hiding his bottom lip.

"Yeah, I mean why else would it be?"

"I don't know, maybe because I'm a total spaz and you'd never like someone like me."

"Man don't do that. It's not like that." Karkat felt his heart beat in his ears and he tried so hard not let the heat in his gut spread to his face.

"…So you do like me?"

"…Yeah…" John's face looked like his head had it spun around three times, but his aura was suddenly a lot lighter, Karkat on the other hand was now the one suppressing his own dark emotions.

"You like me?"

"Please don't make me say it again," Karkat leaned against a tree and sank down to the cold ground.

"Then can I kiss you again?"

"What? Did we not just have an hour long discussion why that was a bad idea?"

"I'm just talking about a kiss not marriage,"

"Oh my god, whatever!"

John was suddenly in front of Karkat on his hand and knees, but the blushing boy seemed to have used the last of his courage. Karkat really was an idiot. Fuck it.

Karkat pulled John's face against his as hard as he could.