Letting out a small sigh, Jenny opened her eyes. Blinking dazedly at the morning sun that was seeping in through the edges of the curtains. She frowned slightly as she took in the sight of Jethro asleep in the chair next to her bed; belatedly taking in the fact that her hand was in his. She wondered how long he'd been there. He couldn't possibly be comfortable slouched in a high-backed chair with his chin resting on his chest. Jenny's frown deepened as she took in the stubble decorating his chin, and the shadows that were easily apparent under his eyes.

He looked exhausted.

Taking a deep breath, she attempted to wriggle upwards into a sitting position. Sharp pain rocketed through her, and a gasp slipped past her lips before she could stop it.

Gibbs's eyes shot open, and he lurched forward in his seat, wild blue eyes meeting hers. "I'll get a doctor."

Jen tightened her grip on his hand, grinding out, "don't bother. It was stupid of me to think I would be able to do something as simple as sitting up."

Gibbs faltered; his position somewhere between sitting and standing, his eyes studying her. Finally he seemed to determine there was no need to rush out for medical help, and sank bank into his seat. Jen tried to ignore the fact that his hand was no longer touching hers, although she already sorely missed the small sign of comfort.

His voice gruff, he asked, "How you feelin'?"

"Fine." Her eyes flickered away.

"Your right eye just twitched."

Jen let out an irate sigh. She'd need to find a way to deal with that damn tell of hers. "I'm tired and sore," she bit out grudgingly.

"Not surprised. You need water."

"Please." Gibbs reached toward the jug on the bedside cabinet as Jen nodded.

The next few moments passed in silence. Jen sipped the cool liquid slowly, her actions hampered somewhat by the I.V. stuck into her one good arm, and the other one held tightly in a sling. Finally she knew it was time to meet Jethro's eye.

He was still watching her.

Clearing her throat, she asked, "How long have you been here?"

"In this room, or in L.A.?"

"Do they not have the same answer?"

"No, Jen, they don't."

She swallowed heavily, slightly un-nerved by the edge to his voice. But forcing her voice to remain steady, she said, "fine. Let's start with how long you've been in L.A."

"Landed at 1500 hours."

Jenny raised an eybrow at him. "You've been here since yesterday afternoon."

She knew him well enough to know that he was annoyed. More than annoyed he was furious. His voice was low and unwavering, his eyes blazed, and his hands were shaking with barely repressed rage. She rubbed awkwardly at her forehead. Recent events had obviously taken their toll on her energy but she pulled herself together, if not entirely upright. Determined to see this through.

"I made a decision not to involve your team in the mission I undertook."

Gibbs let out an inelegant snort. "You went in without thinking, you left yourself vulnerable and damn near got yourself killed!"

"I had back-up," she replied calmly.

"Yeah, a retired agent. That's not back-up, Jen. You should have called me, not Mike."

She stayed silent, her eyes not straying from his once. Gibbs watched her, waiting for a reaction that just didn't seem to be forthcoming. Slowly, his fists slowly began to unclench. He was still angry, and couldn't remember the last time he'd been this close to losing control, but his anger wasn't getting him anywhere. Her barriers were clearly firmly in place. Swallowing compulsively he changed tack, and forcing his anger down, he tried again.

"The case with Nikolai involved me. You shoulda have told me, Jenny."

She was about to fire back when something more pressing dawned on her. Bringing with it a trace of panic. "Jethro, Nikolai wasn't at the diner, he's still out there, he-"

Gibbs held up his hand, silencing her "Nikolai is dead."

She looked at him for a few moments, finally asking, "Who pulled the trigger?"

"It wasn't Mike's battle to end."

"Good." Jenny sank back into her pillows, the last bit of energy draining out of her. Now it was truly over. She didn't have the energy to spar with him, and only the adrenaline had kept her going up until now.

But Gibbs wasn't finished. His voice took on a slightly hoarse quality as he asked, "Why, Jen?"

"Doesn't matter anymore."

"Yes, it does."

For a minute or so she didn't talk, didn't give even the slightest indication that she had even heard him. But finally she broke, and her voice was low as she told him, "I wanted to fix my mistake."

Gibbs frowned. "Nikolai was Decker's mistake."

"We both screwed up on that mission. If I had held up my end of the deal then Nikolai would never have gone after you."

"Yes he would have. He came after all of us."

Jenny shook her head. "Don't want to talk about this," she murmured.

"I was lead Agent," Gibbs persisted. "I should have verified the kill. We were all guilty."

Jenny's voice took on an edge, her teeth gritting together. "Drop it, Jethro."

Gibbs knew he should pull himself back. Knew that this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to get caught up in bitter recriminations. But he was angry with her for the way she'd so casually put her own life at risk.

"You were being selfish."

At that her eyes flashed, her lips pursed to together, and in a low, dangerous tone she asked, "Just how was I being selfish?"

"You went after Nikolai without a thought to anyone else."

"That's not true." Jenny's voice shook, despite her intentions. She couldn't believe he was accusing her of selfishness, of all the things he could choose from.

"Yes it is. You were only thinking about how this would affect you. Did you, at any point, think about what Tony and Ziva would go through if you'd died on their watch? Or how Abby would react to the news? Or Ducky? Did you take a moment to think about how it would feel for him to be the one who had to carry out your Autopsy -"

"That's enough!" Jen looked up at him, hurt clearly evident in her eyes, and he knew he'd pushed her too far. He tried to take her hand, tried to repair the damage, but she yanked it away.

"Get out."

"Jen -"

"Get. Out." It was repeated more firmly this time,and there was no trace of the tired injured woman from a few moments before.

"No."

"I'll have you removed," she growled at him.

"I'm not leaving," he repeated - and before she could reply he managed to look somewhat contrite, he looked up at her. " I .. shouldn't have said what I did. When I saw you lying in that diner, I thought -" He shook his head, unable to even say the words. "And then waiting for news while you were in surgery .. the hours dragged by and I couldn't do anything. I don't want to ever feel like that again, Jenny."

Jenny just stared at him, feeling like her tongue had glued itself to the roof of her mouth. She swallowed heavily before asking, "what are you saying, Jethro?"

Before he could answer, the door to Jenny's room opened and Doctor Watson strolled in, accompanied by what looked like two junior doctors. He gave Jenny a warm smile.

"Ah Director Sheppard, you're awake. How are you feeling?"

Jenny tore her gaze away from Jethro, who was sitting back in his chair, his gaze flickering between Jenny and the doctor. She gave Dr. Watson a weak smile, "Like I've been hit by a truck."

"I'm not surprised," he commented as he flipped through her chart. He looked up and met her eyes, his gaze serious. "You are a very lucky woman, Ms Sheppard. It was touch and go for a while there, but it would appear that you're out of the woods, although you do have a long road of recovery ahead of you, and -"

"How long?" Gibbs interrupted.

The doctor looked down at his chart somewhat nervously, perturbed by the intense stares he was being given by both people. "Well it's going to be ten days before we remove your clips. After that you're going to require intensive physiotherapy, although you will have to wait six weeks for your wounds to adequately heal. Until then you're going to be rather restricted, movement wise. And of course your pre-existing condition will prolong your rehab period."

Jenny let out a low sigh, her head falling back against the pillow.

"Just give it to me straight. How long do you think it will take until I'm well enough to return to work."

"I would say you could possibly return to desk work in three months' time. Although that will depend on how you respond to your treatment. I also have to tell you that you may still require mobility aids for a few months afterwards."

Nodding, Jenny bit down on her lip. The full reality of her situation smacking her in the face. She had spent so long trying to get her strength back during her 'sabbatical' and now she was even further back than when she'd started. Blinking rapidly, she tried to contain her frustration, and was only just cognizant of Gibbs dismissing the doctor. "I think we need some time to take all of this in."

"Of course, I can come back and go through Director Sheppard's pain medication later."

Jenny closed her eyes as she heard her room door shut, and she felt rather than saw Gibbs sit down next to her. After a few moments she felt more composed, and opened her eyes to find herself staring at a rather grim looking Gibbs.

"Jen?" There was a tenderness in his voice that reminded her of the old days.

"I'm fine, Jethro." She shot him a weak smile. "It is what it is."

He gave a brief nod, fighting back the urge to take her hand in his again and assure her that everything would be fine. Instead he decided that it was time to bite the bullet, and asked, " this pre-existing condition?"

Jenny's eyes seemed to dim further, her fingers shifting restlessly against the bed sheet as she replied, "you've been talking to Mike."

"Yeah."

"How much did he tell you?"

"Just said it wasn't fatal." Gibbs looked up at her, and a tight vice seemed to grip around his chest as he asked, "it's not, is it?"

Shaking her head, Jenny reassured him, "No, it's not fatal."

"Good." Eyeing her carefully, watching her for signs of distress, Gibbs continued, "You going to tell me what it is?"

"Don't suppose I've got anything to lose now," Jenny joked weakly before her mouth set into a thin line. "I have Polymyositis." At Gibbs' blank look, she continued, "it causes progressive muscle weakness. Mainly in the shoulders and hips, but in serious cases it can affect the heart and lungs. Thankfully mine has not been severe. So far."

"So far?"

"I'm on medication to stop its progression, and I've been doing physiotherapy to regain the strength in my muscles. Hopefully the medication will continue to work, but it could flare up at any time and it's really just luck when it comes to finding a medication regime that can control it."

"When did you find out you had this, Jen?"

"I found out for sure a few months ago. I'd had some problems for a few months before that though," Jenny replied, not really wanting to go in depth about the aching muscles that had plagued her for months; gradually getting worse until even the simple task of getting to her feet had had her gritting her teeth in pain.

"So that time you took off, after the Frog debacle…"

"The drugs I was on were working, but I had to have physiotherapy to regain the strength I'd lost in my muscles."

Gibbs sat back in his chair, feeling shaken. He'd known something was wrong but he hadn't wanted to face it. Hadn't wanted to admit that maybe she wasn't as indestructible as she made out. Not only that, but guilt clawed at him. She'd gone through all this alone and he should have been there for her. He'd failed her. It was as simple as that. Trying to keep his voice steady, he asked, "When I asked you, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't need to know," Jenny said softly.

"You shouldn't have gone through that alone."

"Like it or not Jethro, I am alone," Jenny replied, although there was no trace of self pity in her voice. She was only stating a fact.

"No you're not. You have me, I would have been there for you."

"I didn't want your pity."

"You wouldn't have got any."

Jenny looked at him incredulously. "Jethro, I knew that if I told you then you would stand by me. But I don't want you to spend time with me because your inbuilt code of honour won't let you walk away."

"I would have spent time with you because I wanted to, because I wanted to be there. Don't want you to deal with this on your own. It's got nothing to do with any code of honour." He spat out the words as if they had a bad taste. "We're too old to have any more regrets, Jen."

Jenny stared straight back at him. "When I asked you to stay, you said no. This is a reaction to my being ill."

"No it's not."

"You turned me down."

"You did the same to me first day you came back."

"That was different."

"Why?"

Jenny stared at him as though he'd gone mad. "You know why. It was my first day as the first female Director of an armed federal agency. How would it have looked if one of the first things I did was start up a relationship with one of my lead Agents?"

"So I didn't have the best timing. Neither did you."

"I know." He'd recently broken up with Hollis on the night she'd asked him to stay. Still, he could have explained himself.

Gibbs met her gaze, and shrugged. " Always figured I'd get a chance to make it up to you. He moved his hand, entwining his fingers with hers, all the time keeping his eyes on hers.

Shaking her head, Jenny replied, "It's not as simple as that anymore."

"Was never simple in the first place."

"No, it wasn't. But now it's impossible."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to have to rely on you." She watched as Gibbs' brow creases in bewilderment. "We were always equals, Jethro. It was why we worked. I'm going to spend months in physiotherapy, I'm going to be exhausted. And unbearable. I don't want that to be what defines us."

"It won't."

"We might not want it to, but that's what you'll focus on, and we both know that."

Gibbs brought his hand up to her cheek, his thumb grazing along her cheekbone. "I'm not walking away, Jen."

"I don't want it like this, Jethro," she said as she angled her face towards his fingers. "If we're going to do this then you are going to have to wait. I'm not going into this until I'm back on my feet." She shook her head when he tried to interrupt. "We've waited nine years, we can wait a few more months."

Gibbs gave a terse nod, "I'll wait, but after that no more excuses."

Jenny smiled, her eyes lighting up in a way that Gibbs hadn't seen for months.

"No more excuses," she assured him.

Author's Note: I can only apologise for the long, long delay in this story. So for those who have stuck with it thank you :) And you'll be pleased to know that it's just the epilogue left and I'm determined to have that up by this time next week.

I also want to thank 4sweetdreams at this point. When I asked her to come up with diseases Jenny could have she came up trumps. Also thank you to Elflordsmistress because without her this would be languishing on my hard-drive, she gave me some much needed kicking in regards to this story.

And now one last thing, Elflordsmistress and I have a collabaration coming up. It's going to be crack fic! With a supernatural/vampire twist and should be hitting your screens by the beginning of Febuary. As it is a collabaration then updates will not be anymore than once a week, but other than that I hope you decide to read it and hope that you enjoy it.

Till the epilogue

xxx