AN: Still loving each and every review. Still hanging out for them, never think I don't! :) Dinner – part two…
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well.

Chapter 14

"Can I ask you, Ranger, what was Hawaii to you? Was it just a lot of really good sex? Was it just pretend romance? Did it mean anything at all to you at the time?"

He looked shocked at my question, and very uncomfortable. He didn't seem like he wanted to answer me, and he remained silent for several minutes. But I waited him out, since this was one of the top three questions I really wanted him to answer.

Finally he sighed and replied, "I don't really know what it was. At first, it was just an act to catch the skip. And then somehow the act blurred into something more, and it felt like we weren't really pretending anymore. I'd always told you that I loved you; it really felt like you loved me too there for a minute." He gave a half-smile, "And the sex was phenomenal. Best of my life."

I was shocked at that – a man of Ranger's looks and experience, it was a big call. The comment about love made my heart thump wildly in my chest. He went on, "When Morelli knocked on the door, it was like the proverbial bucket of cold water. And it washed away the fantasy we'd been living, in a huge way. Waking up in that hospital with a split cheek and a headache from the Taser, and you were gone. Just felt like none of it had been real.

And then back in Trenton, I didn't know what to say. You were avoiding me, still running away. Then there was that crew of crazies chasing after you for that photo, including that psycho Razzle Dazzle, and then suddenly, I heard you were back with Morelli. Hawaii seemed like it almost hadn't happened. I figured you were trying to forget it, put it behind you, so I decided I wanted it all to just stop. I didn't want to play pretend anymore."

He paused as the waiter served my curry and his stir-fry. He picked up his fork again, and continued, "I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Morelli hadn't shown up. Would we have done everything differently? Where would be now?"

I nodded, "Me too. I have felt so many times that everything might have been different if he hadn't come after me." I took a deep breath, "But my therapist has been trying to teach me that it's pointless to try and rework the past. 'If onlys' just make me more unhappy. I would change so much that I did, if I could, but the only thing I can change is what I do from now."

He looked thoughtful at that, "I'm a little surprised that you are going to therapy, Babe. You've never been much for expressing your feelings."

I chuckled slightly, "Well, it certainly didn't come easy at first. But there's something about Janice, she's just really easy to talk to. And she's really matter-of-fact about everything. She's been giving me really practical stuff to do. Write down things that happened to me like I'm watching a video, make lists of things, like people to apologise to, and questions I would ask about why people treated me badly. It really helps she's been trying to help me edit out a lot of the emotions, to be objective. It comes more naturally for me that way."

Ranger nodded slowly, "I'm proud of you, Babe."

My breath caught in my throat, and I almost choked on a piece of roast duck. To hear those words, those words, was almost too much. I took a deep, shuddering breath, and fought to regain my composure.

Pull up those big girl panties, Stephanie, you need to say this now! I took a deep breath, "Ranger, I want you to know I did love you. I'd known since the day you walked into my apartment to face Scrog. I loved you. I always will love you. I believed I was watching you die that day. It ripped my heart out of my chest. And Hawaii felt like love to me too. But when we got back to Trenton, well, it felt like you just went back to status quo…"

I choked up again and couldn't continue. I went back to deep breathing, and Ranger looked like he didn't know what to say. When I felt like I could speak again, I decided the time had come to ask another of my 'big three' hard questions.

"Ranger, I know I was responsible for the whole yo-yo thing between you and Morelli. And, like I said, I'm sorry for that. But you were responsible too. Morelli and I, our relationship was just fucked up from the start, and believe me that has been a big topic of conversation for me with Janice. But you… why were you always pulling me in, giving me a taste and then pushing me away? Why all the poaching kisses and fondling in the alley? You'd make it feel like a taste of heaven, then disappear for weeks. You were part of that triangle and yo-yoing almost as hard as me. So, why?"

Ranger put his cutlery down and pushed away his half-eaten meal. He looked solemn, "Yes. I've been just as fucked up as you in this, I know. I did pull you in with one hand, and push you away with the other." He gave a tiny snort, "I should probably be in therapy with you, truth be told, but the majority of fucked-up shit in my life, I wouldn't be allowed to talk about with anyone other than some high-ranking Army officials."

He sighed, "When I met you, you seemed like this huge contradiction. On the one hand you came across as this feisty, bring-it-on, kind of girl, who put on this brave face, and paper-thin tough exterior. You went out there and did a job that normally only the toughest will do, and you gave it your all. I admired you. I thought you were sexy as hell, and I loved your feisty side. But as time went on, I began to see how mired you were by the traditions and culture you'd grown up with. I really couldn't understand why you'd want to be with Morelli, with what I knew of your history. I figured you must really want that life – the white picket fence, the ring, the 2.5 kids, and the dog. And I could never give it to you.

But still, I was so drawn to you. I wanted your fire, your heat. I made that deal with you about DeChooch, because I thought it would give me a safe way to be with you, without risking my heart trying to be something to you that I could never be. It's why I said you should go back to Morelli afterwards, even though it was truly the last thing I wanted you to do. And it didn't work anyway, since I just wanted you more and more. I was drawn to be with you. And you crawled under my skin and into my heart."

He shook his head, "But you still went back to him. Then that day, I came home to find you in my bed, I couldn't help but think, she's come to me, and she's here to be with me. But you held me off, and went back to him again. When all that shit went down with Julie and Scrog, I couldn't help myself. I needed you, and you were completely there for me. I knew if anything happened to you because of me, it would kill me. But I couldn't push you away then, because I needed you with me so much. And then you went back to him again, you told him you loved him. The kisses in the alley, all the push-pull, I just wanted you so much. But I didn't think you wanted me. Not as much as you wanted Morelli, and what he could give you."

He sighed again, "Like you said, it's not an excuse. And it wasn't OK. It was fucked up and really sick. But I never wanted to hurt you deliberately, Steph… uhh, Shell. I just didn't have the strength to pull away completely, at least until after Hawaii. It was like I couldn't be what you wanted, but I couldn't walk away. And when I did, I threw it in your face, and laid all the blame on you. I'm sorry, Babe. I fucked up too."

I swiped at the tears that had run down my cheek. I hoped against hope that my mascara had not run or I would look like a raccoon. I had only eaten about two thirds of my curry, but it had gone cold while I was listening to Ranger, and I pushed it away as well. Ranger signalled the waiter to come, and asked him to refresh our wine, and clear the food. I took an appreciative swallow of the wine, hoping to calm my whirlpooling emotions.

"Is that why you looked for me?" I finally asked.

He looked at me, "I didn't expect you to vanish from Trenton. I guess I was selfishly expecting you to just stay there, that you'd always be there. I couldn't think about you finding someone else or not being there. Maybe I thought you'd even wait for me to come back, even though I didn't really plan to come back. I was a selfish prick. When Tank told me you'd gone and he couldn't find you… I guess it was a really rude wake-up call. At first I was really angry with you. Then, I ended up calling Connie at one point, just to ask for myself if she could give me any more clues about Diesel. She described to me the way you looked on that last day she saw you. She said you were so drawn, you'd lost weight and she said you looked totally miserable and lost.

Suddenly, I started to understand, well, what I had done. And when it became clearer and clearer that I probably would never find you, there was like this gaping hole in my heart. I told myself I was trying to find you for your family, for your friends, for the guys at Rangeman, but the truth was I was trying to find you for me. Like if I could just find you, I could somehow feel better, move on, knowing you were where I thought you should be."

"Wow. That is really screwed up Ranger. Can you hear how selfish that sounds?"

He sighed, "Yeah." He thought for a minute, "I'm pretty sure Tank was ready to kick my stupid ass, and I would have deserved it. I think he wanted to give up looking for you once it became clear you had really disappeared with Diesel. He knew we would never be able to find you, as long as he was helping you. But I wouldn't let him give up, and I wasn't even there in Trenton. I was hiding away in Atlanta, sulking like a fucking kid, expecting him and Silvio to find you. The number of times he told me it was pointless… well, let's just say if he could have called me to the mats, he would have." Ranger gave a half-smile that was more like a grimace.

The waiter chose that moment to come back to the table, asking if we had enjoyed the meal, and suggesting desserts and coffee. Ranger asked me if I wanted dessert, but I shook my head. Thai desserts, like most Asian desserts had never really done much for me. We both asked for coffee, and the waiter departed.

I thought about everything that Ranger had said to me. I could see clearly his sincerity. The fact that he had apologised to me for some of the things he had said and done was almost astounding, and more than I had expected. He had opened up to me much more than I had dreamed he would. I decided that it would give me the courage to ask the last of my 'big three' questions of him.

I waited until the waiter had brought back our coffee, before I took a final deep breath to fortify myself. I told myself no matter what the answer, I was strong enough now to cope. "Ranger, so now that you've found me… what do you want from me? What now?"

He looked completely blank. Not his deliberate blank-face look of shut-down, closed-off emotions, but the blank face of someone who is completely floored, who has been presented with a totally unexpected question. He obviously had not even considered this scenario.

"I don't really know. I think, even though I kept looking, I didn't really expect to find you. Now, I'm not sure. What about you? What do you want?"

"I really don't have any expectations, Ranger. Since I left Trenton, I have been living completely day-to-day. I haven't been planning for my future, I haven't even been thinking about a future. This morning – god it seems like a lifetime ago now – I was eating my breakfast, thinking about how difficult it would be to even date someone, with this strange, fake, half-life I'm living."

"Who are you going to date?" he asked sharply.

I looked at him, "It's really not important, Ranger. I was thinking about it an abstract way." He didn't look satisfied at that, but didn't press me. "Anyway, you're avoiding the question. Please Ranger, I really need to know. What do you want from me now?"

He sipped his coffee, clearly playing for time, "I didn't have a clear plan for if I ever found you. I guess I thought either you'd have moved on completely, or I'd feel some sort of closure, or you'd… we'd be back, somehow, where we were a year ago. I'm not really sure."

"If there's one thing I've learned this last year, it's that I can't go back. I can't move backward, only forward."

"No, I think I suddenly realised that too, tonight. Like I told you, I think I was looking for you to make myself feel better, to somehow fix our friendship back to what it was. This morning, in that diner, in the park, I suddenly understood that I could probably never really fix what I'd done, what we'd done. You're right, we can't go back."

Even though I was more or less expecting it, his words still ripped at my heart. It sounded so final, like goodbye. I sat completely still, his words echoing in my stunned brain; I don't even think I was breathing.

Finally, in a tiny voice I asked, "So this is it? Goodbye for good this time?"

AN: OK, OK, bring on the hate-mail! ;P