Chapter 14

(Revised)

The brothers were still able to have their three hours with their sister. They moved into the backyard, sitting at the patio table again. Dean showed Taylor the phone they got her. Taylor really liked the case. Her face lit up with excitement when the rainbow-maned pony caught her eye.

"Sam picked out the case for you," Dean told her, motioning towards where Sam sat across from them.

Taylor looked up at her other brother, who smiled. She gave a half smile, back. Sam guessed that was her own way of thanking him.

"You're welcome, buddy." Ever since he first called Taylor, buddy, Sam felt compelled to keep using it. He didn't know why. It just came out naturally for him. Maybe it was the bonding over soccer. Who knew. Sam was just glad that Taylor responded to it.

Dean took the phone back and showed Taylor, her contact list. "I put mine and Sam's numbers in here so you can call or text us, any time. Do you know what texting is?"

Taylor shook her head.

So, he closed out of the contacts app and opened up a new text message. "Sam and I think texting would be good for ya, because of you feeling more comfortable with writing to us when you want to say something. All you do is," Dean then showed his sister how to send a text message. "You can text anyone who also has texting on their phone. Our friend, Cas, just got into it, himself. His number's in your phone, too."

Dean looked around for anyone that might be listening before he lowered his voice and head. "We've been having Cas check up on you to make sure you were okay."

"I guess you can say an angel is watching over you," Sam shrugged. "But, no one can see him unless Cas wants them to. So, no one can know. Okay, buddy?"

Taylor nodded.

"I also included our friend, Jody's number in here, too, as well," Dean added. "She's one of the few people we fully trust. Plus, she's a cop, so if someone's hurting you, and Cas isn't here to stop it, and you can't get a hold of either Sam or me, you can call or text her. Okay?"

Taylor looked up at him. As Dean looked back, he swore it felt like their father had literally gave Taylor, his eyes. They were the same shade of brown and everything. It felt like he was looking at his father.

"You know, I can't get over how much you look like Dad." It had started out a thought and somehow made its way out of his mouth before Dean could stop it. Taylor jerked back in surprise. He smiled. "It's like you're his twin or something. I think you may even have his nose."

"Now we know what Dad would have looked like if he was a girl," Sam joked, and the brothers let out a hearty laugh.

Taylor frowned, looking down at the table.

Sam was the first to notice. "We're not making fun of you or Dad. We were teasing on Dad. I think it's great you look like him. It's like we have a part of Dad with us again."

Dean opened a cigar box he had sitting on the table, to the side. It was half full of old photos that he looked through until Dean found the newest of the ones him and Sam had of their father. When he pulled it out, Dean showed it to Taylor. Taylor snatched it from his hand and held the photo, close to her face. He could see his sister really wanted their father. It wouldn't surprise him if the thought of meeting John one day was what kept her going. It had to be heartbreaking for Taylor, to find out John died a year after she was born.

Sam could see it, too. Even though the two of them spent most of the time, fighting, Sam missed their father and wished there was a way for Taylor to at least meet John. Or, talk to him.

Dean showed Taylor other photos him and Sam had, especially the ones they had of Bobby. He told her all about the guy, explaining how he was a second father to them. It may have been a mistake, though. Sam and Dean had Bobby when John wasn't around. Taylor didn't have anyone, and when she did get someone, it turned into a nightmare for the kid. Dean stopped when Taylor started crying to herself, and apologized. It was then he decided, not to show Taylor, any of the family photos they had. He still showed her, a photo he had of his mother.

"I'm guessing this is probably your namesake," he told her, showing Taylor, the photo. It had some wear and tear to it, but only along the edges. "Her name was Mary." Taylor looked at the photo in his hand. "She died when Sam and I were very young. Sam doesn't even remember." Dean motioned towards Sam with the same hand, "you two may have a lot in common than you might think."

Taylor looked from the photo to Dean and back to the photo, then over to Sam.

"Sorry we don't have any photos of your mom," Sam told her, making Taylor look back at the photo of John, she still had in her hands. "Aside from what is in your file, we don't know anything about her. We never met her. Only Dad has."

Dean was putting the photos away, back, in the box. "If you want, you can have that one," he nodded towards the photo, and closed the lid. He folded his hands on the table. Dean changed the subject. "By next weekend, we should be moved into our new place. So, once Mindy approves it, you can start spending the whole weekend with us, instead of just a few hours on Saturday."

Sam watched Taylor, who continued to stare at their father's photo. "Would you like that, Taylor? Spend the whole weekend with us?"

She didn't respond. Instead, she laid her head against Dean's arm. Dean moved his head to kiss Taylor on hers, touching his forehead to it for a couple seconds before he took his head back, smiling at her. Sam couldn't help feel a little envious of his brother at that point. But, he wasn't going to blame Taylor. Every time Taylor freaked out, Sam had done nothing to make things better. All he did was just stand there. The one time Sam did do something, he felt he made things, worse.

Dean broke Sam's thoughts. "So, what was that video Julie wanted to show you, last time?" he asked Taylor and picked up her phone, unlocking it with a swipe of his thumb. "Why don't you show me on your brand new phone?"

Taylor pried her gaze away from their father to pull up the video on YouTube. It was a video of a talking dog, having a conversation with his human, who was teasing the dog. After watching it, the brothers noticed their sister was smiling.

"Is that funny, bud?" Her smiling was too catchy for Sam.

She nodded at him.

"Do you like dogs?"

Again, Taylor nodded.

Sam took out his own phone, to scroll through his photo album until he came to one of him and the dog he had hit and rescued, a couple years ago, showing Taylor. "That used to be my dog until I gave him to a friend to take care of for me."

Taylor looked at the photo on his phone before she looked up at him and shrugged. Sam didn't understand what she was implying.

Dean suggested on Taylor sending Sam, a text, showing her, once more, how to send one.

Taylor sent it, which Sam read on his phone. Why did you give your dog away? Did you not want it in e more?

Sam looked up from his phone and shook his head. "No, it wasn't anything like that," he assured her. "I loved that dog. But, he couldn't come with me on the road."

Taylor then texted, Why?

"Well, because dogs like freedom to run and play. Being in a car, eight hours a day, wouldn't have been good for him. And, also, Dean has a 'no dogs allowed in the car' rule," Sam added.

Taylor looked over at Dean, with a confused look on her face.

"I did have that rule," he corrected Sam. "That is, until the Colonel grew on me." Dean caught Sam, trying to stifle a snicker, thinking back to the day they met the German Shepherd. He too went through his phone's album until he found one of him and the Colonel, showing it to Taylor.

Suddenly, Taylor bolted from her chair, dashing inside.

Sam and Dean were taken aback at the sudden bolt and wasn't sure what had happened. Did showing pictures of dogs trigger another memory? After a couple minutes, Taylor returned, carrying her sketchbook. She took it over, setting it on the table, to open it up and pulled out a torn out page that was folded in half. Taylor held it out towards Dean.

He asked, "For me?"

Taylor nodded.

Dean took the page from her and unfolded it. It was the drawing of the lion he had found when Dean was packing up Taylor's stuff, back at the bunker. Only, it was all finished this time, colored and all. "Was this always for me, kiddo?"

She nodded.

"Wow, this is amazing. Thanks, kiddo." He showed Sam, who raised his eyebrows.

"That is amazing, buddy. You did a great job, there." The brothers couldn't help catch their sister blushing, red from their praises. Sam changed the subject. He had been moving Taylor's ball around, under the table. "How about we pass the ball around. Want to?"

Taylor nodded with excitement. She reached underneath the table for the ball and hurried around Dean's chair, out into the yard to wait for Sam. Sam stood up and joined his sister. Taylor tried to bounce the ball on her knees, but only managed to hit it with one knee, once.

Sam went to go retrieve the ball, bringing it back. "Good try, buddy. Keep practicing and you'll get it, eventually." He dropped the ball on the ground and kicked it towards Taylor, who caught it with her foot. She passed it, back.

This time around, Dean watched his siblings pass the ball, back and forth. He couldn't be any more happier that Taylor was passing the ball with Sam, willingly. Dean wasn't happy when he found out why Taylor wasn't feeling comfortable around Sam. Dean was just as pissed at that foster parent as Sam was. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Taylor had started pulling on his arm, trying to get Dean to join them. Dean was never big into soccer. If Taylor wanted him to play, too, then he would. The three of them passed the ball around. There was no particular order either one of the siblings kicked to. Sam, Dean, and Taylor just passed it to whoever they felt like.

A half hour passed when Sam kicked the ball, sending it, soaring across the grass and passed where Taylor was standing. She turned on her heel to go after it. Someone had left the garden hose, lying nearby, and her foot hooked onto the hose, tripping Taylor. She fell forward, scraping below her knee. Taylor rolled over and the boys could see tears appearing. They hurried over, kneeling beside her, to help. Taylor only let Dean help her, though.

Dean looked Taylor, over. "What hurts, kiddo?"

She lifted her right knee. There was some blood and dirt on the front of her leg.

He helped Taylor to her feet and led her inside the house. Dean led Taylor over to the kitchen sink, asking Sam to ask Diane for a first aid kit. Sam headed for a downstairs bedroom the staff used as an office and knocked on the door.

At the kitchen sink, Dean held his hands out to his sister, helping Taylor, up, onto the island. There was a roll of paper towels sitting on the other side of the sink. Tearing some off, he wet it with some warm water, using it to wipe away the blood and dirt. Even though his touch was gentle, it still stung like heck, making her eyes water. Taylor tried to push his hand away that was causing the sting.

"I know it hurts, kiddo. But, I have to clean your leg off," he told his sister.

Sam returned with the first aid kit, along with Diane.

"What happened?" she asked, watching as Dean continued to clean Taylor's leg.

"Someone left the hose lying around and Taylor tripped," Dean explained. When Taylor tried to push his hand away, some more, he tried to ease her with comforting words. Sam took the soiled paper towels from his brother when Dean was finished. While he took it over to the trash can, Dean opened the first aid kit. There was a can of antibacterial spray. Going for that first, he told Taylor, "Now, this is gonna sting. It'll help it keep from getting infected, though. Okay?"

Taylor shook her head, repeatedly, when she heard the stuff was going to make her leg, sting, more.

"It'll be okay, sweetheart," Diane assured her. "It'll be over, quick. It'll only sting for a few moments. Want to squeeze my hand?" She held her hand out towards Taylor.

Taylor shook her head at Diane.

"I got both of my hands occupied, kiddo." Dean told her. One hand was holding the can of antibacterial spray while the other held Taylor's foot on his bent knee. "Unless you want Sam's."

Taylor looked around behind her, spotting Sam standing on the other side of the island.

"Would you like to squeeze my hand, bud?" he asked. Sam's heart leaped inside his chest when he saw Taylor, outstretch her arm towards him. He gladly came back around with the rest of them, standing on Dean's left since Diane was on the other and held his hand up for her. Taylor took it but he could feel her hand shake. It continued to shake as Dean shook the can before spraying some of it over the scrape and Taylor squeezed Sam's hand. The pressure the middle Winchester felt in his hand was not what he was expecting. It wasn't Superman's strength or anything, but Sam could tell the stuff Dean sprayed, really stung on an open wound. Her eyes watered as Taylor whimpered.

Sam used his other hand to rub her hand. "Hey, it's okay, bud. It's just cleaning your wound."

"It's all over now, kiddo," Dean assured her, placing the can on the counter and rubbed the back of her leg. "You're doing great." He had to ask Diane if she could take care of the band-aid since he was only one-handed at the moment. Diane tore one off and opened the wrapper, peeling the rest of them off as she placed the band-aid over the scrape.

A dark skinned, seventeen-year-old girl walked through the kitchen, grabbing a pitcher of kool-aid from the fridge. She looked over at the commotion as Diane was placing the band-aid on Taylor's leg and Dean told her, they were all finished.

"Dude, she's twelve," the girl told the adults, "why do you keep treatin' her like she's a lil' kid?" She walked behind them to grab a cup from one of the upper cabinets.

"That's enough, Tiana," Diane scolded the girl, firmly.

Tiana poured herself some kool-aid. She was about to return it to the fridge when Dean asked if she could pour a cup for Taylor. "I ain't her maid. She can pour her own kool-aid," she told him.

Dean was about to say something, but Sam stopped him.

When Tiana left the kitchen, Diane assured the brothers, "Like I tell Taylor, don't be offended by Tiana. She's been through rough times similar to Taylor. All these girls have been dealt a rough hand, in some shape or another. They're all dealing with it in their own way. Tiana takes it out on anyone who crosses her path."

Dean nodded, letting it go. He turned his attention back to his sister. "Everything better now, kiddo?"

Taylor rubbed the back of her hand across her eye and nodded at him.

Diane smiled at Taylor, leaning her hand on the corner of the island. "She's a tough one. Aren't you, Taylor?"

Dean smiled at his sister. He stole a glance over at his brother, who was still standing there. "How's your hand, there?" he nodded towards the hand Taylor had squeezed, at Sam's side.

"It's okay. It only hurt for a second." Sam lifted his hand to look it over before he added, "It looks like Taylor has the Winchester strength, though." Sam smiled over at his sister. "You sure are strong."

Taylor was holding onto the edge of the counter, between her knees. Sam suggested instead of kool-aid, she should have some water. Dean helped his sister down and got her, a cup, as well as him and Sam. The three of them each got some water from the water cooler that was over by the back door.

"You sure know your way around a first-aid kit," Diane complimented towards Dean, walking past the island, with her knuckles on her sides.

He shrugged before taking a drink of water. "Had to learn. Our brother, here, was always hurting himself, one way or another when we were kids."

"Your dad never did it?" she asked, curious.

Dean had taken another drink of water. "Our dad was always at work so he would leave me, in charge," he explained, once he swallowed.

"Oh." Diane looked surprised.

He asked, "What?"

"I thought Sam was older since he was so much taller than you."

"Yeah, we get that a lot." Dean shrugged, "Funny thing is, Sam was the short one, growing up. Then, somewhere in high school, he suddenly shot up and then, I became the short one. I think Dad gave me crap for a week about that when he came home and discovered it." John never was serious with the wisecracks. He found it hilarious his boys switched on him. It was one of the few times the three of them shared a good laugh. After a few seconds, Dean felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked over to see Taylor standing on a chair behind him.

Taylor swiped her hand through the air slowly from the top of her head and over Dean's.

"Oh, so now you're being funny like Dad, huh?" Dean switched hands so he could give his sister, a gentle hit on the stomach with the back of his hand. It made Taylor giggle as she touched where he hit her.

Diane smiled, thankful to see the kid smile, just as the boys did. "Alright, Taylor. Get down before your brother has to bandage you up some more," she told her, half laughing, herself as she leaned one hand on the corner of the island. Taylor leaped off the chair, landing in a squat position and stood up.

"I think Taylor might be getting used to us," Sam observed.

"I think you're right, Sam," Diane agreed. "Julie, her roommate, has been a huge help, as well."

"Like, how?" Dean asked.

She shrugged. "Julie just knows what to say, I guess. With both you and Julie, Taylor has been coming a long way. I mean, she still isn't speaking, but at least Taylor isn't hiding anymore."

"Taylor doing better with her chores?" About two weeks ago, Dean had given Taylor a stern but gentle talking to about refusing to help with the chores, especially the dishes. Diane told him, she tries to pair Taylor up with Julie. Even then, Taylor tried to refuse. Right after dinner, Taylor would head back up to her room and try to stay there for the rest of the evening.

Taylor was leaning against her brother when he repeated his question towards her, instead. She nodded up at him.

"Taylor has been better, yes," said Diane. "We're still working on getting better at cleaning the bathroom."

Dean looked back down at his sister. "Hey, look at me," he told her. Taylor looked back up at him, from the floor. "Nobody likes cleaning the bathroom, but it has to get done. When you move back with us, you and Sam will have to share the responsibility of keeping your bathroom clean." The apartment Sam and Dean picked out, was a three-bedroom, with two bathrooms. One was the master bath that Dean won, along with the master bedroom. After so many years, he had finally won a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Sam couldn't believe it and Dean was very pleased. "If I call and find out you had your phone taken away, I'm gonna be disappointed in you, and I don't want to be. Understand?"

Taylor nodded.

Hearing Dean mention Taylor's phone, reminded Sam, their phones were still outside. He headed back outside to collect them, plus the cigar box of photos, bringing them inside. He handed both hers and Dean's phones to them, his already in his pocket.

At that point, Julie leaped from one of the higher stairs, landing in a gymnastics pose, shooting to her feet. "And, the crowd goes wild as the judges give her a perfect ten," she told the ceiling.

Diane let out a sigh. "That's where Taylor is learning it from," she explained to the brothers, meaning when Taylor had jumped off the chair. To the fourteen-year-old, Diane said, "Julie, you're teaching Taylor, bad habits."

Julie walked into the kitchen. "Am not," she argued with a grin. To Sam and Dean, she waved. "Hi."

"Hi," they both nodded at the teenaged girl, with a smile.

"Want to see me do a cartwheel?"

"Not in the house, Julie," Diane reminded her.

Sam and Dean agreed and followed Julie, outside, along with Taylor. Diane stayed inside, heading back inside the office since it was time to take another girl to their dance class.

Julie stood on one side of the glassy patch. "This is a two-handed cartwheel," she told the Winchesters. Julie pointed her right foot out, holding her arms above her head. She flipped over onto her hands, twirling like a wheel until Julie was back on her feet.

Sam and Dean clapped. "Stunning performance. Ten out of ten," Dean praised his sister's roommate and friend.

"Amazing," Sam added.

Julie returned to her original spot. "I can do it, one-handed, too. See?" She looked straight ahead. Pointing her right foot out again, Julie flipped over, this time, only using her left arm, briefly balancing on it until she twirled over, back on her feet. "Ta da," she held both hands out above her head.

"Wow, that is freakin' amazing," Dean told her, stunned. The brothers' eyebrows had rose when Julie managed to cartwheel, one handed.

Sam agreed.

"Thanks," she replied.

Taylor ran over to the patch of grass and tried to cartwheel, herself. Only, she flipped over onto her bottom.

Julie helped her up, "Good effort, Tay. But, your kick has to be powerful enough so your legs won't go to the side. Here, watch me." She moved to stand next to Taylor, pointing her right foot out, telling her to do the same. "Would you like to learn?" Julie yelled over at Sam and Dean.

"Oh, no, you girls have fun," Dean called back. "We'll just watch."

"Same, here," Sam agreed, declining. Neither of the brothers could see themselves cartwheeling. That was not for them.

Julie walked Taylor through the process, at first. She did a cartwheel first before turning around to have Taylor try. Taylor tried, a few times, but always ended up on her bottom instead of her feet. Julie helped her up each time.

"It just takes practice," she assured her.

Defeated, Taylor wandered over to where Dean was leaning against one of the pillars and leaned against him. He wrapped an arm around her, rubbing her back, up and down.

"You did better than I could," he tried to cheer her spirits up.

Taylor buried her face into his side.

"We all can't do everything, kiddo. That's why we all have our own unique talents. I bet Julie can't draw like you can."

Sam got an idea. "You know what, Taylor. I think you should try again. I bet you'll do it, this time."

Taylor looked back at her other brother.

"I'll even help you if you'll let me." Sam hoped she'd say yes, but the middle Winchester wasn't betting on it. It was worth a shot, though. He motioned towards the yard, to encourage her. Taylor stood up from where she was leaning against Dean and headed back to where Julie was now doing back bends before flipping over onto her feet.

Sam stood next to Taylor, telling her to start the cartwheel and let her know, he would support her. If that was all right with Taylor, of course. Taylor pointed her right foot and held her arms above her head. She had to do it, slow so Sam could help her but Taylor managed to do a cartwheel.

"Yeah, you did it, buddy!" he praised, clapping for his sister. Taylor lit up, happily, which Sam held up, two hands for a high five, this time. "See, I told ya, you'd do it," as Taylor slapped both hands.

Dean made his way over to his brother and sister, holding one hand in the pocket of his jeans. With the other, he held up one hand. Taylor slapped his, too. "Awesome job, kiddo," he also praised her. "With the cartwheel, and with trusting Sam."

Taylor looked from Dean, over to Sam. They noticed her take a deep breath in. To be honest, though, Sam felt Taylor tense up when he held onto her the whole time. Things might be okay now. Dean was there. But, Dean wouldn't always be there. What if he went to use the bathroom or something. Plus, Julie was close by, as well. Taylor may have felt safe because the ones she did feel comfortable with were there.

"Listen, kiddo," he heard Dean tell Taylor. "I'd trust Sam with my life. I'm not saying he's never let me down, but then again, there's been times I've let him, down. We've both made bad decisions against one another. At the end of the day, though, I know he would never do what that guy did to you. I would one hundred percent feel comfortable, leaving the two of you alone." It was scary when Dean said the exact same thing Sam was thinking. "He's had my back more times than I can count, and Sam'll have yours if you let him. Like, just now. He didn't let you fall, right?"

Taylor shook her head.

"Right. 'Cause in the end, he'll do whatever he can to make sure that doesn't happen, kiddo. You can't let fear keep you from those who do care about you. If we didn't care about ya, we wouldn't have moved here and got jobs for you. Bottom line, we're family, and family looks out for one another. Don't let that guy rule over you, forever. You have to forgive and move on, for your sake. Take it from someone who knows this kind of thing. If you hold onto those feelings and not let the ones who want to help, in, it's gonna tear you apart." Dean pointed at himself, "Sam has spent countless of times, trying to get me to talk to him, and it sometimes cost me, my life. I don't want to see you going down that dark path. It ain't easy to come back from, and you're still young. Got it?"

Taylor nodded.

"We love and care about you, bud," Sam told her, getting her attention. "We just want to help you. We can't do that if you don't let us in. We will never abandon you. If times like missing your game happens again, just know, it wasn't our fault and something got in our way. Dean and I wouldn't do something like that to you, on purpose." He noticed Taylor's eyes were watering. He reached out towards her, slowly until his hand rested on top of her head. Taylor flinched from it, at first and stared up at Sam. He took his hand back, but wasn't expecting what came next. Taylor wrapped her arms around his lower waist. She was tensed, but Sam quickly did away with the shock and wrapped his arms around her head, rubbing a hand, up and down her upper arm. "It's okay, buddy. I promise. It's okay."

Unfortunately, it wasn't. Even when things seemed to be going smoothly, they escalated quickly. The memories must have been flooding her mind as she squeezed her eyes, shut tight. Taylor pushed away and started throwing punches in Sam's direction. Julie, who had been focused on her gymnastics practice and tuning the rest of the world out, looked over at the siblings.

Dean's first instincts were to step in. Sam reminded Dean that he couldn't and kneeled down to Taylor's level, to look up at her.

"Hey, buddy, look at me." He tried to grab a hold of Taylor's wrists, to stop her punches, dodging them in the process. "Look at me. It's okay, Matt's not here. I'm not him. It's me, Sam. No one is hurting you, buddy, I promise." Taylor was now crying, eventually bringing the other staff worker, out. Words weren't getting through to her. Taylor was too far deep in her memories. So, Sam pulled his sister in and held her in his arms. Taylor was now pawing at the grass, her cleats ripping it up. "Come on, buddy." he said, "it'll be okay," and remembered what Emily had said. Sam started singing the chorus to Carry on my Wayward Son, singing as much as he could remember.

Dean held his own, trying not to jump in. Sam had to do this, not him. They had to prove to Taylor, Sam could be trusted.

Sam struggled against his sister. Out of nowhere, Taylor bit him on the arm. Not even Dean got that. The staff tried to interfere, herself, but Dean stopped her. The middle Winchester, actually started crying, himself. Not from the pain of the bite. He could handle a bite. Sam's been beaten, stabbed, tortured. One little bite from a twelve-year-old wasn't going to bring tears to his eyes. No, he started crying, knowing that Taylor more than likely bitten Matt, at some point, trying to protect herself.

He wrapped an arm around her head, holding his head against it and sniffed in. "It's okay, buddy. You don't need to be afraid, anymore. I won't let that happen to you. I love you, bud. I'm here to protect you. I promise I won't let anything happen to you." Sam just repeated soft words, over and over until Taylor finally settled down. No one was sure if it was from exhaustion or if it was because Sam's words got through.

She eventually stopped squirming and pawing at the grass after five minutes, sitting there in her brother's arms. Taylor managed to open her eyes and look at him. Sam still had tears in his own eyes. One even was drifting down the side of his face. Like Taylor had seen Dean, she reached up and caught it, wiping the tear away with her thumb.

Sam couldn't help smile through his tears. "Thanks, buddy."

"S-S-Sam...my."

Neither Dean, Julie, or the staff worker could hear her. Dean did see Taylor's mouth move.

"I'm right here, buddy. It's okay." With that said, Taylor threw herself at Sam, hugging him around the neck. It felt like things moved in slow motion. Sam threw his arms around her, thankful and relieved his time had finally come. This day may have started out, crappy. It turned into the best day of his life.