Tomorrow the Games will begin again officially, but I realize this year that they've already started. Watching the round of interviews with my parents, I see through all the facades the Tributes put up. They each act sure of themselves and funny and cool, and I used to believe that's how they really were, but now I know it's all another way to keep alive. Make us love them so we'll protect them in the arena.
It doesn't say too much about my deductive skills though, because they're quite obvious about it, directly asking the President to change the game, but I suppose they keep it light hearted enough that it's able to air, but really I don't think the President has much of a choice. They can't just not air the interviews.
The Opening Ceremony was as grand as ever. Andy went on and on about it during the Ceremony, but I didn't really mind because it wasn't like I was hanging on the edge of my seat noting every detail as I'd done in the past. Every so often I'd just ummed and ahhed when she took a breath between each description.
I'm still very disappointed when Finnick comes out. He's as beautiful as ever and breaks all the girls' hearts who would, if they could, rush up on stage and whisk him out of there, but really none of them should be up there. Especially not them. They already went through that torture. I can't believe how cruel the President and everyone is.
By the fifth or sixth District, I'm really tired of watching people pleading for their lives, but my parents are glued to the screen. I've never seen my father so into the games before.
But then Katniss comes out and I really can't believe what I see. She's wearing a wedding dress! What kind of sick joke is that? The audience seems to agree with me. And my mother sucks in her breath.
"What's going on?" she says. "Are they going to get married before the Quell?"
She sounds excited and on the verge of tears at the same time. They really know how to make a good show over there.
I start paying attention again.
She apologizes for not being able to let everyone see her and Peeta get married. My mother starts to choke up and my father rubs her between the shoulders. And then she starts spinning again like last year and it feels so nostalgic I smile ironically to myself.
And then her gown bursts into flames and falls off of her to reveal a new dress. It's black, and I immediately think funeral. But it's also stunningly beautiful and reminds me of a bird. It feels familiar and I wonder what it could be, but I don't have to wonder for long, because Caesar reminds us all that it is the bird from Katniss' token, the mockingjay.
That's really quite clever on the President's part, I have to admit. Reminding us that she is not a bride, but a warrior. My phone buzzes, no doubt a mass text from Andy to all of us, but I ignore it. I wonder if anyone will sponsor her when there's probably no chance that they'll allow two Victors again. Maybe it's best for them both if they finally die together. They seem so destined for tragedy.
When Peeta comes up, I really don't know what more he can add. But then he delivers the greatest surprise of all. He and Katniss are already married and expecting a baby!
A shock runs through me again and my mother is now bawling. Even my father shakes his head in pity. It takes me a while, what with seeing my parents like this and the audience hysterical, to feel the warmth dripping down my face. Reaching up to touch it, I pull my hand back and realize I'm crying.
I feel someone patting my arm and look up to see my father looking down at me with a sad smile on his face. Then my mother pulls me into a hug and I can't control the tears. I'm stunned. I didn't think I could cry anymore, but there you go. Maybe there's hope that one day I'll be human again.
After they show the Victors all lined up in a row holding hands, they really can't afford to air anything more and the broadcast is replaced by recaps of the Reaping and Opening Ceremony and various experts make predictions about who will make it the farthest and who's most likely to win.
And I can't stay there in the living room anymore. I untangle myself from my mother after giving her a comforting squeeze and go back up to my room where I lay down.
I keep thinking about Peeta and Katniss and their baby. I know their future. That newly formed family will die. But what about my own? Surprisingly until now, I didn't really give it any thought. But now I know that I want a family. I want a husband and I want a baby. I want everything my parents have. I want a life. But what will happen if the rebellion really does come to pass? What if it doesn't? I don't think I can stand to be with anyone from the Capitol and I don't think anyone could stand to be with me now either.
Suddenly I've never wanted anything more in my life than to have my own family and I realize why things have been so quiet for the last 75 years. It's because nobody wanted to give that up. No matter how horrible things are in the Districts, at least they could love and bear fruits of that love. Of course some of them lost their children, but it's really only a small chance that their family will be picked. Overall, it's peaceful. Which is why things must be so devastatingly awful for them to rebel and probably give up everything.
And what happens if they win? No one in the Capitol has ever experienced anything like sacrifice. The worst we've gone through is less food and pretty dresses, and that's just recently. How will the Districts deal with us?
I mull all this over for a long time, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I finally sigh in exasperation and try to will myself to be patient and wait until things actually start to happen.
Cassie comes in a little while later and we talk. She and all the other avoxes are deeply grieved by the Quarter Quell too. She tells me that before she was forced into becoming an avox she'd loved the Hunger Games, but nothing causes more empathy for another person than suffering yourself.
I comfort her as best as I can before she goes to the kitchen to help the Cook prepare dinner.
After she leaves I start feeling restless again and decide to go out for a walk. Without my videos, I've really had nothing to do and have been feeling unproductive and lazy.
I change into a pair of one of my work out clothes and sneak out the front door. On the front step I look out at my neighborhood, plotting out a route and distance. When I settle on one, I start jogging, keeping at a reasonable speed for all but ten seconds before sprinting. The air is warm and humid and when I start to sweat I feel absolutely drenched, but for once I don't mind feeling icky.
When I reach the turn I need to take to get back home, I pass it and keep going. My lungs hurt and I'm starting to feel light headed but I don't stop. I run and run and run until finally my legs collapse under me and I'm gasping for air. My vision blurs and turns black for a while as I sit on the pavement. It takes me a long time to recover but my frustration is gone and I'm back to feeling nothing again.
My legs feel a bit shaky when I get up, but I can walk and I'm not in a hurry so I take my time. I'm surprised at how far I ran and to pass the time look through different neighbors' windows. A lot of them are still watching all the recaps and news about the Quarter Quell. If the TV is on, it's on one or another channel broadcasting it.
The streets are completely empty, everyone's inside talking about it, laughing about it, and a few, still crying about it.
By the time I make it back home, my parents have already eaten dinner without me. I don't mind. I eat in the kitchen with the Cook and a couple of the other avoxes who've warmed up to me. It's a lot of fun. Although they can't speak, they use gestures, facial expressions and a rudimentary sign language they made up to tell jokes and stories, the gist of which can be understood by the layman.
I find myself imagining filming them, I think it would make a really fun and nice video, but I don't even dare record anything on my phone. And besides, I think they're being so lively tonight because they're so sad and frustrated about the Hunger Games.
Looking through the cabinets, I find some chocolate and ask the Cook to help me make some desserts. We put together some nice chocolate pudding and I serve it to everyone. The sweetness helps us all feel a bit better.
In the living room, I pick up my discarded phone and look through all the message everyone sent each other. I finally enter in some of my own input before going back upstairs. In my room I catch up on the latest videos posted by the Capitol using my face and send the funniest one to Aella.
Later at night as I lay in bed, I wonder what dream I'll have tonight. I haven't taken my sleeping pills for a long time and slowly my night terrors stopped, and I started dreaming. They don't make any sense and I forget most of them, but I still enjoy having them and trying to puzzle out meaning from them like an oracle.
Not surprisingly, I've had a few dreams where I was in an arena, facing down mutts and peers. One time Orion was there too. I hadn't known he had been entered into the Hunger Games too. It was about halfway into the game and I was being chased by mutts through dense foliage. I became trapped between a wall of fire and a pack of them, but then Orion ran right through them and they were so surprised they just let us run away while they stared after us flabbergasted.
And I thanked Orion and he smiled at me and we made an alliance together and we were friends again. It was nice and after I woke up, I kept laying there trying to lengthen that time where we were together, but I knew it was over and that he probably wouldn't appreciate me thinking of him at all, so I got up.
I wonder if I'll dream about being in the Hunger Games again and I wonder if the real ones will ever stop.