Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Cloud Nine.
Note: Whoa, so many reviews! Thanks so much! There's about ten chapters after this one, so you're in for the long haul here, readers. Also, for us Americans, the hiatus ends in 72 hours! At long, long last!
Warning: Gender issues and semi-graphic suicide lie ahead.
Case File
Pact Member: Kurt
Song: Cloud Nine by Evanescence
Method of Death: Stabbing
Time of Death: 5:21 P.M. on Thursday, January 23, 2011
Last Known Words: "Tell Noah that I forgive him."
If you want to live, let live
If you want to go, let go
I'm not afraid to dream, to sleep, sleep forever
There were only two things that Kurt Hummel knew for sure:
1. He was irrevocably in love with Noah Puckerman and always would be.
And
2. He was born into the wrong body.
He decided to tackle these issues one at a time. He wanted to start with Noah, because Noah was all that he knew. Or rather, all who he knew. He hadn't meant to fall for the bad-boy charms, but Kurt had always, deep down, been attracted to bad boys. And Noah 'Puck' Puckerman was the very definition of a bad boy, right down to the leather jacket he sometimes wore. He'd even been a teenage father, knocking up his best friend's girl.
It hadn't always been that way, though. Of course it hadn't always been that way. How could it have been? No, no, no. Noah Puckerman had been Kurt's first best friend in the world. His mother—now eight years dead—and Noah's mother had been good friends in college, and although Noah was a year older than Kurt, they had been best friends for as long as they could remember. In fact, Noah had stepped in for the role of big brother to Kurt, protecting him from bullies who picked on him for being too effimate as a child. It wasn't until Noah's father left them after his younger sister was born that Noah began to act out as a result of the loss and betrayal.
I don't need to touch the sky
I just want to feel that high
And you refuse to lift me
But when was it that Kurt had fallen in love with Noah? It most likely was when Kurt figured out that he was attracted to boys. Or was it perhaps before that? After all, Kurt had been good friends with Artie Abrams, too…then again, Kurt had never loved Artie the way he'd always seemed to love Noah. Of course, Kurt had to hide his love for Noah, and he had to hide it well. A slight touch of the hand was enough to send his heart reeling, but he stuffed those feelings deep down inside, where no one could ever find them. He never, ever had felt that way around girls. It was always, always around Noah, no one else. Not another soul could make him feel that way, like his soul was on fire, like he just wanted to grab Noah and kiss him and never stop loving him.
And he never would stop loving him, really. How could he? Even in death, he expected he'd still be loving Noah.
But Noah wouldn't be loving him, and that depressed the fuck out of Kurt.
Guess it wasn't real after all
Guess it wasn't real all along
"I…I think I'm in love with you," Kurt squeaked.
"In love? With me?" Noah looked confused, and Kurt's heart sank.
"Please don't hate me," Kurt's lip quivered.
"I never could," Noah shook his head. He cupped Kurt's chin in his large, rough hand and kissed him softly on the lips. It was better than Kurt had ever dreamed. His soul, his body, his heart, his very skin was on fire, burning swift and true. It was as if he were drifting along some secret place, except this time, Noah was right there with him. Noah later confessed that he was bisexual, or at the very least pansexual, and Kurt felt a leap of hope. He could have his fairy-tale ending with Noah! He could live happily-ever-after!
But Noah flipped and flopped between Kurt and his many lovers on the side. Kurt knew of Noah's sexual prowess, and knew that he had a preference for cheerleaders and cougars (the latter of which he did notwholly approve of).
It wasn't until he got Quinn pregnant that Kurt felt utterly betrayed by Noah for the first time in his life.
Before, he could just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. If he didn't see or hear proof that Noah was having sex with people other than himself, he could pretend that it wasn't real.
But when the proof was staring him in the face in the form of Quinn Fabray's pregnant stomach, he couldn't ignore the truth: Noah had cheated on him.
And Noah Puckerman would never truly be his.
If I fall and all is lost
It's where I belong
"Really, Noah?" Kurt spat. "You just had to get someone pregnant, didn't you? And not just Santana or whoever, but your other best friend's girlfriend. Way to go."
"I'm sorry," Noah apologized.
"No," Kurt said stonily. "You're not. You cheated on me."
"We were never dating," Noah said exasperatedly.
"You still…Noah," Kurt said in a hushed tone. "I gave my virginity to you."
"And it was the best night of my life," Noah reached out to caress Kurt's cheek, but Kurt swatted his hand away, annoyed. "Kurt, you know I care about you, a lot."
"I love you," Kurt trembled with sudden rage. "Does that mean nothing to you?"
"It means everything…"
"Then why," Kurt blinked back tears fast. "Did you break my heart?"
"Kurt, I…"
"You got Quinn pregnant, and then you fooled around with Rachel. What's that telling Quinn, huh? Because I sure know what it's telling me."
"I didn't…mean to break your heart," Noah sighed heavily. "Kurt, I just…if the other guys knew that you and I were…"
"Since when were you concerned about that?" Kurt said hotly, anger coming back.
"I see what they do to me and Finn and Matt and Mike 'cause we're in Glee club," Noah explained. "And I know what they do to you. Kurt, I know everything about you, and you know everything about me. You were the first person I told about Quinn. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"I can't do this anymore," Kurt shook his head. "I'm sorry, Noah. But we're done."
"Kurt," Noah said as Kurt walked away from him. "Kurt!" But he was already gone.
If you want to live, let live
If you want to go, let go
I'm never gonna be your sweet, sweet surrender
Okay, so Kurt had lied to Noah, about just one thing.
Kurt was straight. Well, in a sense, he was totally straight.
Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was a girl. Not biologically, of course, and Noah could confirm that one-hundred percent. Kurt had a penis, and he had all the 'appropriate' male parts. But inside, he was a girl. He always knew he was a girl. He didn't care much for the term 'transsexual', but preferred 'born into the wrong body'. Oh, how desperately he wanted breasts and a vagina! He imagined himself caressing his female body so often, rubbing his breast and lowering his fingers down to his vagina, fingering it gently. But when his fingers drifted downwards towards his crotch, he instead was vastly disappointed to find a penis lying there instead.
Some may say that he was just gay, that he liked boys and fashion and Judy Garland and the like, as many stereotypically gay men did.
But this was so much deeper than that. Kurt knew in his heart and soul that he was supposed to be a girl. He'd picked out his girl's name so many times, he could say it in his sleep and write it backwards. Chloe Elizabeth Hummel. Chloe, because he thought it was a pretty name, and Elizabeth after his late mother. It was the perfect name.
All that was missing were the body parts to go along with it.
Guess it wasn't real after all
Guess it wasn't real all along
He'd never told anybody that he was born into the wrong body. Not Rachel, not Artie, not even his parents or Noah. No one had even been close to figuring it out. How could they be? To everyone else in the world, Kurt appeared to be a big flaming homosexual man. No one even dared to guess what was beneath the surface: a lost little girl.
A girl craving for attention, but not knowing how to get it.
A girl desperately wanting love, but losing it…to another girl.
A girl wanting her daddy's love, but never getting it.
A girl who wished for her mama to be there beside her, but not having her.
A girl who couldn't be who she was because the world was a cruel place and didn't accept her 'type' very kindly.
Also, she had a penis. Girls didn't have those. Girls (typically, unless they were menstruating) didn't want those. Girls had vaginas, and girls liked those.
But Kurt—Chloe, as he so desperately wished to be called—had a penis and all the rest of the equipment, and he hated them. Every time he peed, every time he got an erection, every time he took off his underwear to get in the shower…
Sure, he could pee sitting down. But he couldn't help when he was sexually aroused, and he couldn't help feeling it there between his legs, when he didn't want to.
If I fall and all is lost
No light to lead the way
Remember that all alone is where I belong
Well, Kurt thought. This is it. This is the day I am to die. He wished he could die with Noah by his side, but knew it would never happen. Noah would never die with him, or for him, or in spite of him. Noah probably wouldn't even cry at his funeral. At least I don't have to go to any more of those, Kurt thought to himself. No more funerals. No more having to watch my friends die. No more crying. No more hating myself.
I can be free.
I can be myself at long last.
Maybe I'll be reborn as a girl…and finally be the true me.
He knew how he wanted to die. Romeo and Juliet was his favorite book. He loved the double suicide. He loved the idea of dying next to the person you loved. He loved the idea of being so in love that you couldn't bear the mere thought of being without the other person. While he didn't have access to poison, he decided to stab himself.
Why not stab and mutilate the body you hated so much?
He grabbed one of Carole's sharp cooking knives from the kitchen. There was a way to do this, he knew, that would be guaranteed to kill you with only having to stab once or twice. Artie had written all the schematics in his journal before he died.
My journal, Kurt suddenly remembered. He set the knife down and ran upstairs, grabbing his iPod and his journal. He turned on the song he knew he wanted to slip away to and left it playing next to his earmarked journal. He quickly shot off a text.
Kurt: About to do it, to end it all finally.
(512) 425-9821: Blessed be, Kurt. Do not be afraid. Artie, Tina, Sam, Mike, Mercedes, and Dave will greet you on the other side.
Kurt: I'm not afraid. I just wish Noah was there to greet me with open arms.
He threw his phone against a wall, shattering it. He picked up the knife again. It gleamed and glistened in the light. He had half a mind to pull a Sweeney Todd and slash his throat, but he managed not to. He took a deep breath and jabbed the knife into his stomach, hard, plunging it to the hilt. At once, overwhelming pain took him, and he staggered to his knees. Kurt pulled it out, blood flowing everywhere. He moved the knife a little to the left and stabbed again, more confidently this time. Again, the pain, though it was less than before. Blood was steadily pouring from his body, and he knew he would bleed out sooner than later. He only had to stab himself one more time before he was satisfied that it would kill him. All he had to do was wait for the world to go black.
In a dream
Will you give your love to me?
Beg my broken heart to beat?
Save my life, change my mind?
The leader skillfully unlocked the Hummel-Hudson's back door with the key they'd had for months. They'd been here so many times; it was all clockwork for them. They found Kurt with the knife still lodged in his stomach in the dining room, the curtains blessfully drawn closed so that no one could see inside. They dashed over to Kurt's still body, which was still bleeding out, and felt for a pulse.
There was one. It was faint, but it was there.
"Kurt? Kurt, it's me," they whispered. "Are you still with us?"
"Barely," came the breathless answer. "I…I need you to do something for me."
"Anything," they held his hand, shivering as Kurt's blood pooled beneath their feet.
"Tell Noah that I forgive him," Kurt murmured.
"I will," they said quietly. "I promise." They didn't know what Kurt was talking about. All they could do was watch Kurt's eyes glaze over, the life slowly leaving them, like there was a dimmer switch behind them, turning them down by degrees. The blue-grey eyes that once had so many sparks behind them went blank and lifeless. The leader stifled a sob, trying to stay calm and emotionless.
It was one thing to walk into a room and find your friend already dead.
It was another entirely to watch them die before your eyes.
They took the knife with their gloved hand and wiped off Kurt's fingerprints before kissing his forehead tenderly, leaving him for Finn to find not ten minutes later.
Finn, who found his stepbrother dead on the dining room floor and promptly screamed his fucking head off.
If I fall and all is lost
No light to lead the way
Remember that all alone is where I belong