"Thanks for coming over. You must think I've lost my mind messaging you in the middle of the night."

"It's fine, no worries. What's going on?"

"I'm so sorry Elliot."

"For what?"

"For everything, for all of it. For how I've treated you, for how I've behaved since the shooting. I've just been so blinkered. I haven't been able to get far enough out of my own head to see this from anyone else's point of view and sure as hell not yours."

He sighed, heavily, the profound sense of relief he felt at hearing her speak the words seeping through every muscle and bone. He was tired, he was more tired than he could ever remember being. No sleepless nights with fretful babies or long hours on boring stake outs could compare to the twisting agony of waiting for Olivia to meet him halfway. And yet somehow the relief didn't resonate the way he had thought it might. It didn't feel like the opening of the door he had thought it might, but instead the waving of a weary white flag.

"You don't need to apologise. This is an impossible situation for all of us and we're all just coping whatever way we can."

"I'm starting to remember things…." said Olivia cautiously, watching his face for a reaction. His blue eyes just looked so very tired as he sat beside her on her sofa. She twisted the sleeve of her sweatshirt over her fingers.

"That's great." He said, because it was.

"It's still slow, patchy. I hate that sometimes I feel like I can't trust it. It's so hard to tell memories from dreams. To tell what actually happened from what I just wanted to and imagined somehow. It's still really confusing but I'm trying to just go with my gut. To focus less on what I think about it all and more on…." hesitating a moment she stole a sidelong glance across at him, "… on how things make me feel."

"That sounds really positive. It sounds like you might be making some real headway. You still doing the therapy?"

He wished he knew that, he still wished so desperately that she came home to him after those sessions so that they could debrief. He wished he wasn't asking these questions and feeling like a total stranger in her life. Yet the space between them only seemed to grow, and he could barely remember now the time when he knew her every thought.

"Yeah, yeah I am…." she felt like something was on the tip of her tongue but she couldn't quite figure out what. "Elliot I remember things about us."

"Us?" he swallowed, they had been here before.

In the early days every time she mentioned remembering something about him, about the two of him, his heart clenched in anticipation. He felt excited, hopeful, like they were on the cusp of being able to carry on as they had before. The more time that had passed however, the more that excitement had given way to a gnawing sense of unease. Nothing was ever clear-cut, and the fragmented pieces of her memories only seemed to pile a new stone on the wall building between them. He had come to dread her remembering the tiny pieces. Like if she couldn't remember it all then it was futile and only doing them more damage.

"I'm starting to feel…." slowly, carefully, she felt her way in the darkness, "… what I'm trying to say is that I'm starting to feel just how much this all means to me. I care about you Elliot, very much."

"I care about you too, Liv."

"And I don't want to hurt you anymore, so I'm going to try and make this better. To do better. I want to try and make this all easier on you, to give you what you need. I wanted to start by apologising and, well, I was wondering if we could maybe start fresh?"

"Sure, sure we can do that." He said, brightening slightly. Her heart leapt, and the flash of hope she felt took her by surprise.

"I know that we've got the scan this week but maybe we can grab lunch one day? I miss that. I've missed you. I don't know that that's a memory, or something I forgot, it's all just such a mess at this point. All I know is that I'd like to spend more time together. If that's something that…."

"Liv I'm here for you, you know that. All the way, any time and any place. It's really good to see you finding your feet a little. I'm here for that, I'm here for all of it. Anything you need, and we can start to talk about what happens when the baby comes. Anything for, either of you: always."

"Thanks, really…."

"I'm your friend, Liv. That has always been true and always will be."

"My friend?" she swallowed, the words almost inaudible. He pretend not to see the strange and distant hurt in her eyes. "My friend…." she repeated, forcing a reluctant smile and deliberately keeping her eyes trained on the floor to stop the wandering into his. Looking for a change of heart.

"I think that it would be really, just, just better for both of us if we…. "

"Elliot?" she asked, when he seemed to have ground to a halt.

"I just felt like it needed saying, I feel like it needs saying. We've tried to force this, to rush back in and pick up where we left of. It was a disaster. You bailed and I fell apart. We can't let that happen again."

"No, no that makes sense."

"It's too much pressure. It's all just too complicated, too confusing right now. Besides, look how much better you are since you stopped focusing on that and just gave yourself some time and space."

"Right, yeah, yeah so much better." She managed to sound just sincere enough to convince him, but deliberately kept her eyes locked on the wall over his shoulder.

"Liv?" she couldn't put that pressure back on them, she couldn't complicate and confuse things further. No matter how much she suddenly realised she wanted to.

"Thanks for coming over. I'm glad we got to talk."

"And well keep talking, huh?" he said, reaching across and placing his hand over hers.

It felt right, it felt to fit. Curling his fingers around hers he held tight.

"Yeah, sure, of course we will."

"So you remember?"

"No, no not everything. It's still patchy and confused. But I remember enough to know that I can't go on a date with you."

"A date makes it sound very formal. I was just thinking we could grab dinner, you know, see how things go."

"But we both know where things will go, or, at least…." hesitating, fairly sure her gut feeling was right but frightened of appearing awfully over confident Olivia ventured, "… at least I think I know where you are hoping things might go."

"Am I that transparent?"

"No, no I just…."

"Damn it."

"You know it's actually one of the best things about you. You wear your heart on your sleeve and that's pretty hard to do."

"Where's your heart at Olivia?" he asked, and caught her off guard. She looked over at him, and her eyes lingered on his.

"I don't know."

"But you have an inkling?"

"I'm sorry if I've led you on, Matthew. I know I invited you to come to the city. I really did want to spend time with you. I just don't think I realised, well, it's been…."

"It's fine, don't worry about it. I get it. You think I've not been totally messed up since Chloe?"

"It's not really the same thing…."

"It's close enough. Something life changing like that happens and you lose your balance. It's hard to figure out what you think and how you feel. Making good choices kind of seems to become more about luck. For a while at least."

"That's how I feel. Like I've lost my balance."

"So you and Elliot, huh?"

"No, no actually."

"Really?" he asked, wondering if he ought to feel ashamed for how relieved he felt.

"We've decided that it better that we're friends right now, just friends. It's all gotten so complicated and I think at this point everyone is just exhausted. We need to just take some time. So we're not together, at least, not like that. We're just trying to figure out how to do the right thing with the pregnancy."

"That's tough, that's hard, incredibly so. I mean all this going on. So much to figure out and all these emotions flying and in and amongst all of that you're having a baby together. You know I gotta ask…."

"Ask what?"

"When I asked you where your heart was at before. Is it with him? I get that you're not together but are you remembering what you feel about Elliot?"

"I…."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I have to let him go. Even if it's just for now. Elliot's a simple guy. I mean he's complicated in some ways but at his core, really, all he wants is to just do right by the people he loves. He just wants to be a good partner and a good father. He sees things in black and white and I am just a thousand and one shades of grey right now. I don't even know what I'd be asking for, not really. So I'm going to be his friend."

"And the baby?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know as in you haven't figured out the logistics with Elliot yet or…."

"I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm barely managing to function as a person right now. I can't be responsible for someone else."

"You know I'm no expert in this area but I'm pretty sure if you asked any first time mom how they felt at this stage in their pregnancy they'd probably say the same thing. You're what? Six months gone?"

"There isn't much I remember clearly but I remember my mother. I remember what I felt about her as a child, as a teenager, and I remember what I felt when she died. She was the name on my phone I dreaded seeing and I hate myself for that. I have these dreams, these incredibly vivid dreams of screaming and crying and violence and resentment. She tried so hard and I know that. I appreciate all the things she gave me: strength, resilience, independence. But they aren't the things that a seven year old needs. A seven year old needs a hug and she just wasn't capable of that."

"Oh Olivia…." sighed Matthew, not able to find the right words to respond. So instead he reached out, took her in his arms, and held her tight.

"Okay, so, let's see how we're getting on here. This will feel cold…."

"You okay?" asked Elliot, shifting his weight between feet as he stood anxiously waiting beside the bed.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine thanks…." replied Olivia. One hand down at her side clutching the edge of the bed and one holding up her shirt as the midwife massaged a cool gel about her abdomen with the ultrasound wand.

"You know you can sit down there, Dad, if you're feeling a little jittery."

"Oh me? Yeah?" it was unlike Elliot to be flustered by something like that. Olivia wasn't sure how she knew that but she did. Whether she was remembering or learning she was getting better at reading Elliot's cues. "Sure I can sit."

"And there we go, there they are…." flashing a grin, the midwife held the wand steady a minute as the black and white image on screen pixelated slightly and then gradually settled down.

"It looks like a little kidney bean. I'd forgotten that, how tiny…." murmured Elliot, his blue eyes wide and entirely transfixed on the screen, "… wow, just wow…."

"Is it okay? Is it…."

"I'll do my full due diligence in a second but everything looks a-okay to me. We're a good size, eyeballing us, and we're moving around and we're bigger than last time. Here, if you take this, I'll leave you for a second while I go grab…."

"You okay?" asked Olivia, not really caring where the midwife had gone or why only glad that they were alone. "Elliot?"

"Sorry, hi, hey…." snapping back into full consciousness of his surroundings Elliot stayed with his elbows leaning on the side of the bed but turned his eyes to her. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Are you?"

"I think so."

"It's kind of crazy when you see it like that. The baby. It's so real."

"Yeah, yeah it is…." she said, not quite sure how that made her feel. Her chest felt tight, clenched, everything was tense. It was too real.

She was carrying a child, a human, a life for which she would be responsible. Suddenly for the first time this was becoming more than a pregnancy. The final point of this stopped, for a moment at least, being about having a baby and more about having a child. In a matter of months she would be a mother. She wasn't ready for the enormity of that role, she hadn't had chance to rehearse, she hadn't had any training or chance to learn by example. She didn't know her lines. A cold sweat washed over her and she felt suddenly light headed.

"Liv it's gonna be okay. I know you're freaking out, but you don't need to. We've got this…." Reaching for her hand he enveloped it in his, then reaching out with his free hand he brushed a curtain of hair back out of her troubled eyes and vowed, "… I promise you."

"Do we?" she laughed grimly, rolling her eyes shaking her head. "Only I'm not so sure we have a clue what we're doing here honestly."

"So we'll make a plan. We'll figure it out. We'll take it step by step, day by day, one thing at a time."

"I guess so."

"Step one is easy. Well, I mean, not easy. I didn't say that right. What I mean is there aren't really any choices in it. God willing the baby is getting born whatever."

"Easy? Is that your assessment of child birth?" she asked, and just for a brief moment, a chink of light, a slither of hope that sardonic smile was the old Liv. He had her there, for a second, and then as quickly as she came she was gone again.

"But I'll be here, right here: holding your hand the whole time."

"And what about when it's born then what? We didn't even have that conversation. We don't even know what happens after that."

"We roll up our sleeves and shit hits the fan. Literally from memory, along with just about every other nearby surface. Only it's not so very complicated, Liv. I promise. Babies are exhausting and demanding and maddening but they're tiny. They're tiny and they don't ask questions. We just gotta keep him or her fed and clean and safe. That's step two."

"And you want that?"

"Want what?" he puzzled, struggling to read the expression on her eyes or the mist in her eyes.

"I mean, well, I guess I'm asking if that's what you want? Is that what you picture happening? You and I raising this baby together?"

"Don't you?" she did not, he could see that now. His heart fell seven stories and threatened to take his lunch with it.

"Well what about the fact that we live in two separate apartments for a start?"

"Babies are pretty portable."

"What about work?"

"You'll be on maternity. I'll take what paternity and personal time I can and we'll figure it out."

"What about Aubrie?"

"Aubrie?" he asked, as though she had thrown the brakes on the conversation and he had winded himself being hurled against the dashboard. "What's Mac got to do with anything?"

"I don't know, I just…."

"Olivia do you even want this baby?" he sighed, frustrated, but still gripping tight to her hand.

"How can you ask me that?" but she was failing to convince herself, and he knew her too well for her question to be anything close to reassuring.

"Oh my God…."

"What?"

"That's it, isn't it. That's what all this is about. You throwing up all these practical obstacles, thinking up all the ways this isn't going to work. It's because you don't want it to work. You're not into this are you? You're not on board at all?"

"I just don't feel anything Elliot. I want to, desperately. I want to be so excited, I want to have that same look in my eyes that you do when you look at that screen." He noted, suddenly, that he hadn't seen her look at the screen, at the baby, at all.

"You're just scared. You're just stressed and scared and I get that it's all pretty overwhelming right now but…."

"What if I can't do this? I'm not being trite. I mean it. What if I can't be this child's mother? What if I still feel like this when it's born? What if…."

"Are you seriously asking me that question?"

"I think I have to…." she whispered, chewing hard on the inside of her cheek and clutching his hand a little tighter. Begging him wordlessly to stay and try to understand.

"Then I'll answer it seriously."

"El…."

"This is my child, my baby. I don't have even a second's doubt about any of this. I love it same as my other kids already. If you won't do this with me then I'll do it by myself."

"It's not about won't, it's…."

"What'd you want me to say Olivia?" he sighed, breaking their clasped hands and standing up from his chair. Shaking his head reached for his coat and draped it over his arm. "Because I got nothing. I'm all out. I'm all out of words and ways to respond to any of this. You invite me here to get all excited about a baby you casually tell me you don't wanna raise with me? Well, thanks, it's been a real treat. I'm pumped, really."

"Elliot I…."

"First you don't wanna be in a relationship with me. Now I'm raising our kid solo. I'm down, Liv, okay. I'll stay down. You can stop kicking me now."

"Elliot I do want to be in…."

"I'm late for my shift I gotta go."

"Please just stay and let me try to…."

By the time the midwife returned to the room Elliot was gone. She finished the necessary checks and balances with a breezy, cheery air that Olivia did her best to respond to the way she was expected to. Then, left alone once more, she sat on the edge of the bed and held the folded envelope that contained their scan photo. Peeling back the corners of the paper she slid the image out, tracing fingertips along what she could clearly make out as the baby's spine, it's head, its face.

Breathing in, breathing out she placed a hand on her stomach and closed her eyes. She tried to imagine what it would be like to hold a tiny infant and to dig deep into herself to find the magic and the maternal instinct that was apparently within her. Hot, angry tears of frustration flooded her eyes when still the only roaring emotion inside of her was terror and dread.

"Oh come on, you've gotta be kidding me!"

"I am deadly serious!"

"You're a pain in my ass is what you are Stabler…." throwing narrowed eyes over her shoulder Aubrie's voice was warm, teasing, with no sense of real irritation, "… a pain in my ass."

"I aim to please…." he grinned, falling into this easy repartee so easily with her.

It was almost possible, sometimes, to forget he was miserable during the working day. There had definitely been darker moments after the shooting where he had questioned his abilities on the job, as well as in every other sphere of his life, but after a month or two back in the saddle he was confident again. He could do this. He could control this. He could use his experience and long honed skill to help people, to catch the bad guys and to put them behind bars. He could bring the survivors the closure he so badly needed in his own life.

"You want a coffee? Something tells me we're gonna need it on an IV before we head over to the school."

"67 hysterical school girls all nervous of authority? Man I love my job."

"Oh come on you know how this is gonna go. You always make me bad cop. I'll be the one making them cry. You're basically just there to flash them your baby blues till they go all gooey and confess. You're the pretty window dressing who brings tissues."

He smiled to himself, and then at her. He probably held her eyes a little too long. This partnership was different, and sufficiently so that he could detach from the past and compartmentalise. Aubrie was not Olivia. Not in manner, not on the job. She didn't ooze the same natural empathy, she didn't immediately win over victims. She was warm, but she was a slower burn. She was the harder nut in most of their interrogations and she acted head first not heart. She was nothing like Olivia and that was just exactly what he needed right now.

"You're such an asshole."

"Did you want a coffee or not?" she asked, breezing past his desk on the way to the machine.

"Mac…." he said, not thinking a second before grabbing her wrist as she passed to slow her stride.

"Yeah?" she swallowed

Aubrie froze mid movement like an action character in a movie. A little taken aback by his gesture, and even more so by the way he didn't instantly let go. He held her wrist lightly in his palm, and the heat of it made her flush. Something made her flush.

"Sorry, God, what am I….." realising, remembering himself, Elliot shook his head and laughed unnaturally.

"Hey?" she said quietly, reaching to his shoulder and squeezing it reassuringly. "Don't do that; don't go all awkward on me. I'm not, see?"

"Thanks…." he smiled gratefully, feeling strangely breathless. Then, again, acting outside of himself he reached up his hand and placed it over hers on his shoulder. "Literally I was only gonna tell you that I have snacks. I grabbed snacks to get us through the interviews."

"It take it all back…." she grinned, her pale cheeks flushed pink as her green eyes twinkled warmly, "… you're a delight to work with."

"Yeah I am!" he laughed, and as she took back her hand and continued on to the coffee machine he turned and watched her go.

"Liv?"

"Oh, Fin, hey! God you scared me creeping up like that…." she cried, clasping her hand to her chest and stepping back further into the elevator corridor.

"You here to see El?"

"No!" she lied, her heart thundering so hard it was stealing the blood from her brain. She felt dizzy: she felt nauseated.

"So what are you….."

"Fin can I ask you a question? It can't go any further than us. You can't tell him I asked."

"What's going on here?"

"Aubrie Mackenzie."

"Oh Liv…."

"You know this isn't the first time I've stood in the doorway of that squad room watching my partner with someone else. Only when it was Dani Beck it didn't scare the hell out of me like this does….." inhaling slowly, Olivia allowed her eyes to wander back to where Detective Mackenzie was setting a coffee down on Elliot's desk, "…. because he didn't smile like that around her."

"I didn't even know you and El were…."

"We're not."

"I thought the two of you were just friends."

"We are."

"Got it, sure."

"Don't do that, don't laugh at me. Don't make me seem ridiculous."

"Liv do you remember you and Stabler?" he said, because there was no way she didn't based upon her current state.

It was strange because he had gone back and forth so many times on the two of them. At first, seeing the two of them slowly light the touch paper and allow partners to mean something more he had disapproved. It wasn't a good idea, he thought, them being so close. It was dangerous professionally and he didn't trust Stabler not to hurt Olivia. Then seeing them together, seeing how happy he made her he softened, he warmed. After the accident he had become as desperate for Olivia to regain her full memory of her relationship with Elliot as he had, it had seemed like the right thing. Now, once more, he was conflicted. Nothing was clear, no path seemed without pitfalls and he had a strong sense of unease.

"Not all of it."

"But enough that the thought of something happening between him and Mackenzie…."

"I have no right, I know I don't. He's been very clear, we're not together. That's what I wanted. That's what I was so sure I wanted. He tried everything, he tried so desperately to get me to remember everything. He even wanted to just try to continue the relationship without me remembering. It was me that said no. It was me that said I wasn't ready, that I couldn't handle him. I was the one that pushed him away and said that I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him."

"Liv that doesn't really change anything given all that's happened and you know it."

"I have no right to be jealous of whatever's going on between the two of them."

"You have every right. You have every right to be jealous, man. You just don't necessarily have the right to go in there all guns blazing, granted, but still. You could talk to him though? Tell him how you feel?"

"No I can't. Not now. Not after…."

"After what?"

"I said some things. At the hospital when we went for the scan."

"Liv I dunno…."

"I'm gonna go now. Don't tell him I was here okay. Please Fin?"

"I really don't think that…."

"Please?"

"Fine, fine I won't say a word. But for the record? I don't know that you sitting on this is the best idea. You don't think he'd kill to know you were jealous of him and Mackenzie? You don't think that's what he's been waiting for this whole time?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Everytime I start to think I've reached the surface something shoves me right back under. I need to think. I need to process….." inhaling deeply, holding it in her chest, she gestured a hand to the squad room beyond, "….this."

"Come on, I'll buy you coffee and a donut. You shouldn't be alone right now."