Brokenness Aside
Bonnie Bennett
Am I crazy?
This is a question I fail to ask myself enough. Here I am walking into another life or death situation. Once again, fighting to save other people's lives. Is that the angel in me or is there just some sick masochistic part of me that craves these kinds of circumstances. It's been nearly a week since finding out about my true parentage and about the thing that I really am and I am trying to fight through and keep myself together, but if I'm being honest, I'm breaking down.
Nothing about my life makes any sense.
Nothing about my existence makes sense.
Suddenly I'm a Nephilim and I have this destiny I need to fulfill.
I have no clue as to how.
I don't even understand why it has to be me, but here I am.
I suppose in some ways this is what I wanted. I wanted to have a bigger purpose. I wanted my resurrection to have a meaning. It may have taken seven years but at least I figured it out eventually.
Working with the Winchesters is not the same as it was before.
They have been getting a lot of calls from their friend Bobby. He's keeping them updated on the Castiel/Crowley situation and that side of the search for the Other Side while we search for how to destroy it. Dean hates when Bobby calls. It's like every call destroys Castiel more in his eyes and he's trying to fight it. What he's done is a huge betrayal, but there's something in Dean that won't allow him to see Castiel as the enemy. He wants him to come back and join them. He wants their family to stick together. But that may be impossible.
Nothing is as it was. Sam and Dean are different and it's more than Sam having his soul back. There's something off about Dean that I don't fully understand. It may just be because of Cas's betrayal but it seems like there is more to the story. Something happened that broke Dean. I can see it. The Dean I knew before had pain in his eyes, yes, but also hope. There is just darkness engulfing his features now.
And Sam, well I don't know about Sam. With his soul back he reminds so much of Jeremy. Despite all the pain and death and destruction surrounding him, he still manages to be this oversized puppy. His eyes have so much life dancing around the edges of pain and mystery.
I want so badly to reach out and touch him. I want to see these months that they've been gone through his eyes. A small part of me even wants to test it all and see Hell. I'm sure I could get there in his memory without him being affected, but I can't just do it without his permission. That would be asking a lot.
Instead, I just observe them.
And they observe me. Ever since learning that I am half-angel, I can see the boys questioning me more. They are curious about what I can do and what limits I have. So am I. But their questions about me, like my questions for them, remain unasked and unanswered.
We stick to searching for a way to save the world.
It's almost beautiful how we all push our brokenness aside to protect this messed up world we live in.
A/N: I had all the intentions to come back to this story sooner. Life came along and got in the way. (In all good ways! I got married and am expecting my first child!) But I am back to finish this story at last! Please review!
Disclaimer: The characters are the property of the CW.