Title: Coffin Club
Summary: It's approximately the second time that Tsuna wakes up in a coffin, when he realises that Reborn is a full-blown asshole. (Or: A day in the life of Tsunayoshi Sawada.)
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"There's another meeting you have with Taco-" Hayato is cut off when Tsuna's head snaps up from the desk.
"Taco? Is that a real famiglia?" Tsuna blurts out incredulously.
"No, but that moronic boss is always going on about his taco franchise," Hayato says with a dismissive shrug.
Tsuna drops his head down against the table.
"It's at three, so he can be a creep stalker-"
"Hayato!" Tsuna's head rises again, and he frowns at his friend.
"What? Have you seen the way he looks at you? He has a whole network set up just to track your movements." Hayato offers no apology.
Laughter is heard from the doorway and when they turn, Takeshi steps though, carrying some more folders. Tsuna just sighs and slumps lower in his chair.
"Are you talking about Taco?" Takeshi asks.
Tsuna groans and Takeshi grins teasingly, dropping his paperwork on the edge of the massive desk.
Hayato rolls his eyes and shuffles paper loudly to get Tsuna's attention. "So there's that, and then Kyouya seems to have scribble over three one hour slots that he's going to 'bite you to death'."
Hayato has to raise his voice over another pained groan and ignores how Tsuna slides off his chair and under his desk. "In response, I felt obliged to leave some dynamite in his room that will go off when a motion sensor is triggered." He looks up from the schedule to smile brightly, a metaphorical tail wagging behind him.
"No, Hayato! Bad!" Tsuna cries, jumping to his feet. "Go disarm it, right now."
"But Juudaime, he was practically asking for it," Hayato says as if Tsuna was the unco-operative one.
Tsuna isn't able to respond before a loud explosion shakes the walls the slightest bit. He's rather concerned at how the explosion in Kyouya's part of the vast grounds managed to shake the main building.
Hayato hides behind his papers. "Okay, maybe it was a bit more than 'some' dynamite."
A wave of killing intent washes over the three, expanding to encompass the entirety of Vongola. Takeshi laughs, even while griping his sword in a defensive stance. Tsuna wants to curl up in despair and not do anything for a few hours but he takes the more logical route and throws himself out the window.
"Bye, Tsuna!" Takeshi calls after the fleeing brunet.
Tsuna hits the ground and rolls to absorb impact, promises to himself that he'll stop jumping out of windows higher than three storeys, and tosses a wave over his shoulder.
He gets past the corner, intent on sprinting for the parking lot half way up the drive to steal a car. However, as he clears the decorative garden of hedges, a wild Kyouya appears.
Tsuna skids to a halt, millimetres from his cloud Guardian who stands there with a blank face.
"Higottagobye!" Tsuna abruptly screams as he twists around and runs back towards the building, knowing he wouldn't be able to get a car started with Kyouya chasing him.
Kyouya gives chase, of course. Tsuna laments looking so guilty but it's not like he wouldn't be hunted down regardless. Tsuna spies Ryohei walking along, chatting enthusiastically with one of his subordinates who Tsuna vaguely remembers as a boxer.
"Ryohei, catapult!" Tsuna calls out and the white haired man immediately plants his feet and laces his fingers as a step.
Kyouya snarls in anger from behind Tsuna, only making the Decimo speed up. He plants a foot in the hold and Ryohei launches him up at the building. He goes flying through an open window, landing easily on the large dining table.
Ignoring the cries of rage from the Varia, he darts down the table, using the back of Xanxus' throne chair as a step and hurtles out of the door and down the hall way.
The sound of death follows him.
Tsuna frantically tries to think of a plan other than 'play dead'. He comes up blank.
"Kufufufufu."
His intuition can only manage a flail before lotus flowers explode from the ground and he's pulled to a sudden halt, the illusion trapping him.
"Where are you going, Tsunayoshi?" Mukuro teases as he swirls into existence in front of the brunet. "Perhaps into my arms?" Mukuro continues, stepping closer with a sly grin. "Are you finally ready to give me your – oh shit."
Tsuna presumes that Kyouya has caught up to him, but its fine. Mukuro will serve as a perfect distraction.
Unfortunately, Tsuna's life can't be that easy.
His plan doesn't fail, technically, because Mukuro does save him. By throwing him out of the window. On to Lal Mirch.
But then the mist follows with a gleeful laugh and Kyouya comes charging out seconds later, the entirety of the Varia on his tail. What follows is the most destructive, terrifying game of tag anyone has ever, and will ever, see.
Kyouya manages to catch Tsuna later anyway, but at least he now has an excuse to not meet Taco. All in all, not a bad day.
And then he gets hit with the bazooka.
As the pink smoke clears, Tsuna still rather stunned from the abrupt and unexpected tackle hug from Lambo, he blinks into the darkness.
Quite a few things register at once: the pitch black, the absurdly uncomfortable surface he was lying on, the small space just large enough to fit him, the slight rocking, and finally the absence of outside noise which means airtight.
It all gathers into one clear picture and Tsuna squeezes his eyes shut, mentally apologising to Lambo for the corpse of his older self.
He hesitates to knock on the coffin lid, because showing his mourning family an alive version would be horrible of him, but he also desperately wants to know how he died. It takes another few wasted seconds to reason out that if he avoids this death, his friends wouldn't be sad, despite how he'll leave this timeline.
He takes a deep breath and knocks.
The rock immediately stops and the coffin shifts as if Tsuna is being put onto the floor. The lid cracks open a touch, letting bright sunlight stream through, before completely swinging open.
Tsuna has to raise his arm to block out the too powerful light. Shadows fall over him and when Tsuna peers up, he sees clowns.
His scream sounds something like, "sukjqflq7iwqtc8;ywibhdegkl!" as he scrambles out of the coffin and trips a little trying to get away from the painted entertainers.
It's hopeless though, since the group of about thirty, all of them equally disturbing and terrifying, surround him. They're in a graveyard as well, which makes sense considering the coffin, but also holy shit there are clowns everywhere.
A touch on his shoulder make him spin and back away, staring in horror at the thickly painted on sad face with a large red ball for a nose and polka dotted onesie.
"I don't taste good," Tsuna blurts out, leaning back from the slowly shuffling forward demons, the entire group closing the circle around him. "I swear I don't – can I just get back in the coffin?"
The thing jerks suddenly and Tsuna screams, throwing up his hands.
A cloud of pink smoke obscures the man and the graveyard is silent. Another brunet pitches forward out of the smoke, older now and eyes closed. Arms catch him when he falls and he groans into a muscled chest.
"Did you drug me?" Tsuna mumbles, able to get his legs under him despite how shaky they were. He grips the shoulders of the one holding him and pushes back to stand, eyes fluttering open.
"i3d3eowbtv5ilbyoyhkxsugu!"
Finally, the mob breaks character and bursts into laughter as the brunet topples over on weak limbs, falling to the grass as he flails spectacularly.
The clown who caught the man still thinks Tsuna digging his way out of the coffin only to find his worst nightmare standing in a silent circle would have been better, but he did manage to get two Tsuna's to shriek like they were thirteen again.
"Dammit, this isn't even training, this is just sick! I hate you Reborn!"