Femte November –

I started a letter back to send back to Peter today. It isn't as difficult for him as it is my mother, because he's still young and will believe anything I write to him. In a way I'm jealous of his gullibility, he can trust people so easily whereas I feel as though I can never trust anyone. Which I think is wise, really. Anyway, so far, I've only written about two lines. I'll have to finish it later – I'm going out with the Nordics tonight. I am admittedly, starting to regret agreeing to it though. I'm getting nervous.

I only decided to go out to the bonfire and fireworks with them because I know it's the best way for me to get over my feelings for Lukas, and to start trying to get better and fit in - which I can't avoid any longer, as my next stop if I don't improve by the holidays when I go back home for a week is hospital.

I might be overestimating myself with the 'fitting in,' but it's something to aspire towards, right? Besides, I trust the Nordics. Even Mathias, though I'm not really too fond of him. Part of is incredibly envious towards the Dane though, because he has Lukas and he seems to make him happy. That's something I don't think I could ever do.

Sjätte November –

Just when I think things are starting to get better, it feels like the whole world falls apart at my feet. Last night... it really doesn't seem too awful when I think about it now, but it felt like it at the time. It's become apparent once again, that maybe I can't trust the Nordics as well as I'm otherwise inclined to.

There were fireworks (which really were magnificent), a huge bonfire, and lots of beer - which only got introduced towards the end of the display. Only naturally, our Danish companion wanted some.

Now, how well my night was going before this doesn't really stand, because what happened next... well, it ruined it all for me, as pathetic as that sounds. Mathias went around passing beers, being his usual happy self, when he asked me if I wanted some. Of course, I didn't answer, and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to make any sort of gesture or even shake my head. This really upset him. Really, really upset him. Even though Lukas was telling him not to bother about it, that I couldn't help it.

I suppose as bad as I felt, Lukas standing up for me again made me feel slightly better. But then... a little later on, I heard part of their conversation. It was only Mathias, Emil and Lukas, as Tino had just run off to say a quick hello to some friends from another dorm. They had no idea I was listening, as they were all in a little group and I was on my own, closer to the bonfire.

Emil asked why they'd even asked me to come along, because I was boring and didn't say anything.

Mathias answered, said it was because they felt sorry for me and that he thought I was rude.

And Lukas... Lukas didn't say anything.

A/N i'm sorry for a slow update and a pretty crappy chapter ;-; i've been pretty busy with school and sorting out college and ahjsghjkagdhjka still. thank you for your reviews and favourites, c: i hope you enjoyed.