CHAPTER FOURTEEN
A small ray of moonlight cut through the curtains in Christian's flat. The indirect light from the kitchen gave the room a soft glow. Syed opened his eyes slowly, his mind lazily dragging itself from the deep slumber he had been in. He was feeling slightly disorientated. Where am I, he thought, in a moment of confusion.
Then he knew.
He felt Christian's strong arms around him, and when he looked up he saw those beautiful green-blue eyes shining down on him with a smile.
"Hey, sleepyhead" he murmured, instinctively running his fingers through Syed's hair.
"Hey" Syed smiled, gazing at him in wonderment "It wasn't a dream then" he choked.
He could barely believe his luck.
"It wasn't a dream... You're here!" His voice caught.
"I mean..., I'm here... I'm here... with you..."
He reached out and softly touched Christian's face. He swallowed when emotion constricted his throat.
"I'm.. home"
"You are" Christian confirmed lovingly, "you're home, my love... at last"
His hands lovingly and gently stroked Syed's face, his neck, his shoulders, his hair... He slowly leaned down to give him a tender kiss, his hand trailing down to rest on Syed's heart. Syed closed his eyes, relishing in the sensation of being touched with such tenderness. He silently put his hand over Christian's and their fingers entwined. So much emotion in such a simple gesture. Syed felt a lump in his throat. He laid back, savouring the realization that he was finally together with the man he loved.
Then it dawned on him...
"That means I really did it, then?" he said, sounding slightly bewildered
"Did what?"
"I really did that... I stood there... in the middle of the square, and declared out loud, for everyone who wanted to hear it... that.. that... I love you...?"
"Yeah, you did... " Christian said, hesitantly, not quite where this was heading...
Syed chuckled.
"Good!" he said, grinning the widest grin Christian had ever seen on his face.
"It was about time and all!"
His hand pulled Christian close and he placed a hungry kiss on his lips. Christian responded eagerly, and when at last they reluctantly pulled back for air, Christian asked:
"No regrets then?"
"None" Syed said. He paused then added "Actually... there's one..."
He quickly brushed away the worried look from Christian's face.
"That I made you wait so long" he whispered "If I could go back in time, Christian, and change one thing... it would that the minute you walked into my life I would've been man enough to admit what I felt for you. Then none of this... mess... would have happened..."
Christian smiled and ruffled through Syed's hair affectionately "Don't you worry your beautiful head about that, my love. That's all in the past. We now have a whole future to look forward to. A whole life together ahead of us...
"Yes... We do" Syed sighed blissfully.
They lay together for a moment, lost in the moment. It was dark outside, and so very quiet. Only the distant noises of the night, a faraway rattle of a train passing and the giggling of some late party-goers on the square disturbed the silence.
"What time is it then?" Syed asked finally.
"Dunno... it's the middle of the night"
"So I fell asleep then, did I...?" Syed chuckled, half joking. "That's just typical...! I go change my life around, and then, bang, right in the middle of it, I fall asleep"
"Yeah" Christian smiled. "You did... You fell asleep.
But you were exhausted, sweetheart"
Syed let out a trembling sigh.
"I was. I was exhausted.. and in a way... I still am. I've... I've been so on edge for so long, Christian. Always scared. Always tensing all my muscles, always ready to bolt, ready to run, to hide... Always concentrating on keeping up the pretence, always making sure the mask was firmly in place, never to be lifted... Living my life was just...hard work.
And now... I feel like I can finally breathe... I can finally... be... me. And... you... You made that happen, Christian. I was so lost for so long, and I never even knew. I spent so much of my life pushing people away, but you wouldn't ever let me. You leapt over the walls I'd built around myself and you saw me for who I really was. And I can finally be myself now. "
He felt so safe here, in Christian's arms... Christian, who was so tenderly holding him, one hand stroking his hair, the other still firmly entwined with his own, placed on his heart.
Christian closed his eyes, overwhelmed by emotions, as he listened to the sound of Syed's breathing, feeling his heart beat strongly and happily underneath his fingers. He could hardly believe that they were here like this. There had been so many obstacles, so many problems. And here they were... together at last.
"I love you, Christian" Syed whispered, his eyes drifting closed again, "I love you so much"
Then with a small sob he added, "Don't ever leave me."
"I love you too…and I'm not going anywhere," Christian choked looking down on the sweetest sight he'd ever seen.
0+0+0+0
As Syed slowly woke up again, images from the day before flashed through his head...
"I am gay, dad...! …. I can't hide from it any more. This is me, this is who I am!"
"I told them, Christian. The truth…. They know. My father. My wife. My family. I told them. I told them that I love you, and that I need you and that I only want to be with you…
The whole world can know, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, the whole world should know. I… love… you!"
"Now, I want you to listen to me, Sy. And listen carefully. I … love... you...
When you came along, you rocked my world... And now I don't know how to live... without you... We fit. You and me, we fit.. in every way possible..."
He slowly opened his eyes and blinked a few times, before being able to see clearly. He didn't know what time it was; but daylight was streaming in through the curtains, letting him know it was probably quite late.
They were lying together in Christian's bed. Some time during the night, Syed realized, Christian must have carried him there. And now they were lying here, closely entwined, together. Christian, still blissfully asleep, had slung a protective arm over him and all Syed wanted to do, was stay like this forever, snuggled up to Christian's warm, comfortable body.
A warm feeling crept through him. It was the most amazing thing in the world to wake up next to the person you love. Here, in the arms of the one who knew and loved him best, he'd found a refuge from all the doubts, the hurt and the pain. This wonderful man had filled him with his love, and had managed to chase away the shadows.
He carefully lifted his head, and untangled himself slightly from Christian's tight embrace, so that he could watch him sleep. He smiled as he saw him there, looking so peaceful and so beautiful... Morning stubble covered his chin and his hair was all ruffled. But Syed thought he had never seen anything more beautiful in his entire life. Hearing, feeling Christian breathe beside him, watching him sleep, feeling his warmth beneath their shared sheets,... the sheer intimacy of it took his breath away. He just lay there for a while, scanning that beloved face, those gorgeous features, unable to decide what it was that made Christian so exquisite.
Finally unable to resist any longer, he leaned in and gave Christian a soft kiss on the nose. Christian stirred. Syed watched him slowly wake up. He yawned loudly and finally opened his eyes after a few seconds of trying. The first thing he saw was Syed watching him with a wide mischievous smile across his face.
He smiled back.
"Good morning, gorgeous" Syed whispered.
"Hey you..." Christian stretched with a satisfied groan, and turned on his side, so that they were facing each other.
"What're you smiling about...? Was I snoring or something?" he asked sleepily.
Syed shook his head. "I just like watching you when you wake up. It's cute."
Christian raised an eyebrow in mock horror. "Cute? You're calling me cute?"
Syed laughed. His eyes twinkled with joy. "Sorry, Christian, but you do look cute when you're waking up... pulling faces and rubbing your eyes like a baby."
Despite himself, Christian had to laugh. He looked at those deep brown eyes, and found himself swimming in them again, immediately distracted from his so-called indignation by the emotions that were running inside him. His breath caught in his throat seeing Syed's love for him radiating out of those eyes. How on earth was Syed expecting him to form a coherent thought, or even to breathe, if he kept looking at him like that? It is often said that the eyes are the windows to one's soul. "And they really are."Christian thought, "When I look in those eyes, I really see him."
"I had to rub my eyes to make sure that lovely sight I saw was real" he mumbled. He reached out and pushed away a wayward lock of hair that stubbornly fell over Syed's forehead; his fingers lingering for a brief moment on that beautiful face. Perfection, he thought. Beauty. Suddenly emotional, he said "Tell me me that I'm not dreaming, Sy, because if I am, I don't want to wake up". His beautiful green eyes swirled with love and affection.
Syed gently caressed the stubble on Christian's chin, and then, gently holding his face, he leaned in and gave him a soft passionate kiss. When breathing became difficult, Christian pulled away reluctantly and sighed, licking his lips in an attempt to taste Syed just little bit longer.
"Does this feel like a dream then?" Syed asked softly, feeling overwhelmed by their closeness.
"If it is, I want it to last forever," Christian whispered back, brushing his lips over Syed's earlobe.
They pulled back slightly, staring into each other's eyes again, happy to be able to simply be together. No words needed to be spoken.
"I love you." Syed finally said with a husky voice. He watched a smile creep across Christian's face.
"I love you too, Sy... more than anything" he said, and held him close.
As they were lying there together in a contented embrace, entwining so completely that he was no longer sure where he ended and where Syed began, Christian thought about everything that had happened to them in the last year. It was incredible how much everything had changed... how much he had changed, how much Syed had changed, and how amazing it was that everything had worked out for them after all, although not even a day ago it had looked as if it would all be lost forever.
"Mmmmm, I don't want to move," Syed groaned happily against the crook of Christian's neck.
"Me neither, I could stay like this forever," Christian replied, a smile lighting up his face.
"We'd get very hungry though" Syed mumbled
"Yeah, we would... And very stiff..." Christian added. Then he saw the startled but amused look on Syed's face as he looked up in a shot, and realized what he just said. He laughed and ruffled Syed's hair
"Ooooh, dirty mind, Mr Masood!"
"Speak for yourself! " Syed scoffed jokingly. "You were thinking the exact same thing, Mr Clarke! And don't you dare deny it!"
A happy carefree laugh bubbled from his lips and Christian gazed at him with affection.
"What?" Syed innocently fluttered his eyelashes at him in that so adorable way.
"I love that smile" Christian said "It's so good to see you smile again"
Suddenly embarrassed, Syed hid his head again in the nook between Christians shoulder and neck. "Stop it!" he mumbled rather shyly.
"I'm not having a go" Christian reassured him. "I mean it. I really missed that smile. "
Tentatively Syed looked up and Christian grinned. He pulled the other man close and planted another delicate kiss on his lips. He shuddered when he felt Syed's mouth open beneath his, and the gentle kiss turned into a deep, sensuous assault.
"Can we get back to the topic on hand now?" Syed gasped when their lips finally parted.
"What's that then?" Christian wondered.
"Whether or not to get up" Syed said "To be honest... I'm quite hungry actually"
He saw the smirk on Christian's face "... for food" he added, playfully nudging the other man.
"I haven't eaten anything since … euh.. lunch time yesterday. And then... Then you told me you were leaving and …." He stopped himself. He couldn't possibly tell Christian that the idea of him leaving, had literally made him sick... could he? So he brushed over it and continued
"And then later... all hell broke loose, and... Well, food was just really low on my list of priorities"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Christian gently asked.
This wasn't the response Syed had expected. As always he'd seen right through him. Christian's eyes were full of tenderness and quiet understanding.
"You did an amazingly brave thing, Sy" Christian said, softly drawing comforting circles on his arm. "I know it must have been really painful... If you want to talk about it..."
"I will" Syed smiled sadly, and he touched Christian's cheek "I will talk about it... but not.. just now. OK?"
"OK, whatever you need, darling... as long as you know I'm here for you"
"I know" Syed whispered. "thank you..."
They just lay there quietly for a while, each caught up in their own thoughts.
Then Christian gave Syed a gentle nudge.
"So... food!" he said "I don't want my man to starve, do I... ? Not when he's finally mine... So... why don't you... go grab a shower, and I sort us out some breakfast...?"
"Hmmm" Syed smiled. "Sounds good to me... but … euh... if the cupboards are as bare as the walls are, then I think we might have a teeny tiny problem here..."
"Ooops... I forgot" Christian laughed, slapping his forehead in mock surprise "well, I guess that means a trip to the Minute Mart"
"No!" Syed exclaimed in horror, "I don't want you anywhere near the Minute Mart!"
Seeing the startled look on Christian's face at this sudden fierceness, he added more calmly. "I want you here.. with me. I finally have you, and I'm not letting you go!"
"Oooh, getting all forceful on me, Mr Masood? I like!"
"Oh shut up!" Syed laughed. Then quieter, he added "It's just.. after everything... I just really want us to be together today... I don't want us to be apart for more than a few minutes... I know it's silly, and it's needy, and it's cheesy but... "
Christian silenced him with a quick kiss.
"I understand, sweetheart... And I completely agree. I don't want to be apart from you either..." he smiled.
He thought for a moment... "I have an idea... Go have your shower then, I'll sort some food out"
"You sure?"
"Yep..."
"Euuh.. Christian?"
"Mmm?"
"Other problem... Towels?"
Christian laughed, and clambered out of bed. Syed immediately missed his presence. He sat up and with a grin watched Christian move around the flat in a bit of a daze... Finally, he went to one of the removal boxes and frantically started to rummage through its contents, revealing an array of household linens, books and all sorts of discarded clutter. In the end, he triumphantly jumped back on the bed and presented Syed with a stack of fluffy towels.
"Here we are... At your service, sir" he joked "And while I'm at it... I'm sure I'll be able rustle up some clothes for you too"
"Yeah... that'd be nice" Syed blushed – realizing suddenly that after his rushed 'escape' yesterday, the only thing he owned right now where the clothes on his back.
He started to get out of bed, only to be pulled back rather forcefully by Christian.
"Oi!" he said "aren't you forgetting something?"
"Am I?" Syed asked innocently.
"Yes, you are! Rule number one!"
Syed rolled his eyes... "Rule number one?"
"Yep..." Christian pulled him close and took his face in his hands. With each word, he planted a little kiss on top of Syed's nose : "Rule... number... one... : you … don't … ever... ever... leave … the room I'm in... not for 5 minutes... not even... for 5 seconds... without... giving... me... a … goodbye … kiss..."
"That's rule number one?" Syed smiled, his eyes twinkling.
"It is... So..you either abide by that rule or..." Christian added with fake severity.
"Hmmm... I suppose I can learn to live with that" Syed mumbled, as he grabbed Christian's neck and captured his mouth for a deep, thorough kiss.
As they came back for air, Syed said "I'll be quick" and jumped out of bed, out of Christian's grasp.
Christian laid back, stretching his arms above him, and relished in the joy he felt going through him. Sure, a few months ago, it would have been the most natural thing in the world for him to join Syed in the shower and let passion take its course. But he wanted to give Syed all the space he needed right now. It was only a matter of time, and he had no problem waiting.
Just seeing Syed's eyes shine with delight and happiness, just hearing his heartfelt genuine spontaneous laughter again, and feeling his arms tightly around him,... all that really was enough for now. It gave the expression "making love" a whole new meaning, but Christian knew that was exactly what it was.
He let out a satisfied sigh. And then, realizing he had a few things to sort out before Syed came back, he finally dragged himself from the bed...