A/N: Hello Folks. I apologise for the sparce amount of updates recently, but as many of you will know the past few weeks were exams and naturally I had to give those little buggars my full attention. I'm free now and my fingers were twitchin' to get typin'! I'm really starting to worry myself with this story, no doubt I'm worrying the rest of you also.

Many thanks to:

of you will know the past few weeks were exams and naturally I had to give those little buggars my full attention. I'm free now and my fingers were twitchin' to get typin'! I'm really starting to worry myself with this story; no doubt I'm worrying the rest of you also.

Many thanks to: Robster72, TheSummoningDark, Radar-rox, Rally Collins, drookit duck, and 30obelow for all their reviews so far. I'm sure there is other people I need to thank but my stupid internet has randomly installed a parental control feature and its decided that page 2 of my reviews page contains 'adult material' – I wonder where it came from?

Thanks once again to all readers and reviewers. Enjoy!

Sunny
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The gold gilded door of the pod sent from the S.S Centurion glided open with a hiss softer than a viper sighing in its sleep. Its interior was so ostentatiously decorated, it would have sent Louis-Llewellyn Bowen weak at the knees: everything from the handcrafted, diamond encrusted chandelier to the chaise lounge stuffed with Dodo feathers and accessorised by silk scatter cushions boasted a lifestyle where everything was done to the excess – a luxury few could afford but many could dream of.

Immediately having stepped into the lavishly decorated pod Lister began to feel smothered by its deliberate decadence. Growing up as working class in one of the harshest cities in the universe had given him an irrational fear of anything that was gold coloured, smothered in jewels and plastered in the more attractive remnants of some animal, now long extinct. The door buttons carved from ivory was enough to convince Lister that now was the time to go.

Truth be told, the past few hours alone had been enough to convince him that there was no shame in running away. Perhaps for once Rimmer's patented escape plan –Logically Excellent Getaway Intact Theory, (L.E.G.I.T for short) – was the best option. Having spent the spent a majority of the morning working himself up into such a frenzy, a part of his brain had been assigned the job of coaxing him back into breathing regularly, otherwise he would've keeled over and died of 'acute panic', Lister was now fully convinced that right here, right now 'doing a Rimmer' was okay by anyone's standards.

Just before the doors slid closed Lister dived back into Starbug's side of the airlock, he clung to a nearby girder for support and protection as Rimmer came storming after him "I assume there must be a reason for what you're doing?" he asked snidely,

Lister tried to give the impression that he was calm, cool and collected when in actual fact he was wracked in anxiety, being slowly torn apart by terror and practically prostate with panic. "I thought I'd stay here a bit…" he waved a shaky hand around the room, presumably to represent the whole of Starbug and not just the airlock "Woman the fort so to speak…."

"There's little room for females in the military, Listy" said Rimmer, adopting his conventional chastising stance: arms behind the back, head held high, wearing a smile that could set babies off wailing "Now, if you'd kindly get your backside into the pod, we'll get going."

Lister shook his head stubbornly "No" he said firmly and simply, clutching the girder for dear life.

By this time Kryten and Cat, wondering about the delay, had joined Rimmer just in time to hear him enquire nasally: "you're nervous, aren't you?"

Seconds ticked by as Lister struggled to come up with an answer that both avoided the question and explained his reasons for not wanting to set foot in that pod, "I've been thinking…"

"Oh God…" moaned Rimmer, covering his eyes and grimacing like he'd just digested something nasty "This is why people like you shouldn't think – brains are dangerous in individuals like yourself! When people like you get thinking, revolutions happen: law and order disintegrates, governments topple, societies crumble – anarchy, frivolity and unruliness reign!"

"That sounds like fun!" piped up Cat,

"Fun?" repeated Rimmer, part incredulous, part horrified "Fun! Tell that to Nicholas the Second, the last Tsar of Russia."

"I'm sure Mr Cat would indeed carry out your suggestion sir" said Kryten helpfully "if Nicholas the Second was not dead and buried on earth, which is still some 3 million years away."

"Shut up" muttered Rimmer before diverting his attention back to Lister "Look, David-" The mere mention of his first name coming from the holograms lips was enough to make Lister want to cry – Rimmer seldom used first names, he reserved them for when the situation was, or was going to become particularly unpleasant. "I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do…"

Lister's grip on the girder slackened "you…you're not?" he asked cautiously

An evil smirk: "don't be stupid – of course I am. Grab him!"

Kryten and Cat, probably acting on earlier orders from Rimmer, grabbed hold of Lister and dragged him bodily into the pod and held him down till it was safely drifting through space, away from Starbug and towards the S.S Centurion.

"You bastards" yelled Lister, pointlessly pummelling the pod door in frustration "You can't do this to me, this is a violation of my human rights!"

Rimmer snorted "You've got to be human to have those rights, Listy"

Quicker than a kitchen cleanup at the unexpected arrival of the Health Inspector, Lister spun round, ready to pummel Rimmer's face rather than the door, only to be held back by Kryten.

"Please try to calm down" sighed Rimmer, sitting down on the chaise lounge and examining his hands with a 'sophisticated' expression on his face "It's hardly ladylike to start picking fights with people now is it?"

Realising that Lister was loosing this particular fight, he changed tactics – random acts of violence and aggression were a suitable outlet for his fury but in terms of getting him out of this mess, they were useless. He collapsed next to Rimmer and tried tactic number one: Pleading.

"Rimmer, please please please don't make me do this – I'm beggin' ya man, please please please…please?"

"Listy, this has to be done. You know the score, it's this or we'll all being trying on halos and wings in no time"

"Like you'd go upward" muttered Cat

Wasting no time Lister moved swiftly on to tactic two: Bribery "Let me go and I'll give you anything you want" he lowered his voice and leaned towards Rimmer "Anything…"

The hologram smirked a smirk that was a slippery as an eel in a bath of baby oil – "you have nothing I want" he said simply, enjoying this spectacle of desperation from Lister.

This refusal left the human with his third and final tactic, if this didn't work then he was well and truly screwed. Tactic three: the last floatation device in the midst of a storm – Blackmail

"Either you call this stupid plan off now and we go home….or I make it my mission to spread it across the universe that you offered Hollister your body in return for a promotion…"

Kryten's features slid into each other with horror and disgust, while Cat retched slightly. Rimmer's eyes widened, he gave a strained smile and mouthed the words 'not true' at the pair, a blatant lie obviously!

Lister was just about to extend his threat of public humiliation when the pod gave a small jolt; the green docking light began to glow in an eerie and no doubt expensive manner as the doors slid open to reveal of section of similarly spectacularly decorated corridor. Rimmer stood up and motioned for Lister to leave and upon his refusal to do so, a further motion made Kryten and Cat once again manhandle (although now technically womanhandle) Lister out of the pod.

As he was frogmarched down a stretch of corridor he squirmed, struggled, kicked, wriggled and generally made Kryten and Cats tasks as difficult as possible. Lister's resistance only intensified as he heard the sound of people approaching, their clear cut, upper class accents reverberating off the walls, tastefully papered with a French striped affair.

Seconds later both parties met face to face, a sandy haired man in his late twenties strode forward, his hand extended in greeting "Gregory Samuel Douglas Watson Smyth" he announced proudly,

"Charmed" said Rimmer, shaking the proffered hand "Arnold Jonathon Rimmer."

Behind Gregory stood a small group of young men, all wearing the same expectant expression on their faces. How could Rimmer possibly deprive them of what they were waiting for any longer?

"And here" he said, a tad too dramatically for everyone's liking "is our lovely little lady, Davina Lister" he grabbed Lister by the wrist and flung him forwards. The human was by now too petrified to put up any kind of a tussle so he simply allowed himself to be hauled in front of the gaggle of gentlemen.

The longest second in the history of time took place – it stretched on for what felt like a thousands ice ages with an exceptionally tedious lecture at the end of it. All eyes were upon Lister who was currently praying for an asteroid to collide with the ship so he could escape this excruciating experience.

In the end it was Gregory who broke the silence, his voice plunging the temperature of the situation into sub-zero temperatures "Mr Rimmer" he said, fixing the hologram with one of the surliest looks he'd ever witnessed (and Rimmer had seen plenty) "You are quite the exceptional liar…"