our memories fade

away with the sunset

deny it, close my eyes

but why won't you

leave my head?

leave me alone

i'm falling apart

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( starry night - mamamoo )

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[LIFELINES]

chapter thirteen: like family

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Basket bag almost overflowing, I commute to the side of the store that I never tend to find myself gravitating to. There's a small section dedicated to loose leaf tea. I hadn't noticed it earlier, not even after the over a hundred times I'd frequent the quiet store. I would have never guessed that it had a tea selection, especially when this store is known for its coffee beans.

I'd been coming to this place for as long as I can remember. It's located in a quiet alleyway in Ochanomizu. It's quaint, holds decades of history, and its scent is a combination of caffeine and old books, with the former evidently being the most dominant scent. Not many people know of this small coffee roasting store. However, whenever customers had been drawn to it, the same customers had stayed and had become regular customers.

This could also be said about my mother, who had stumbled across the store on random when she had been exploring the area of her first workplace. She said the coffee beans had helped her cope, in her early days, when she was getting accustomed to living back in Japan. It reminded her of the period she'd live in France with my grandparents, where she had discovered her love for caffeine. It was a period way before Takeru and I had been born, also before she had met and married father.

Of course, because of mother's constant visits the coffee store, I had also gotten used to going to it from a young age. I've been here as long as I can remember. It's probably one of the only things I really do praise my mother for, it's undoubtedly her good taste in coffee.

"Are you buying tea for yourself or for somebody else?"

I crack a simper at the old man. We both know it's rhetorical because he's known me since I was a kid. He has a receding hairline now, that he's masked with his brown bowler newsboy hat, wrinkles surrounding the corners of his smiling mouth, and his spectacles are dangerously sliding down the tip of his nose. Although decades older than I, his memory is sharp. He has a knacky thing of remembering everybody's tastes and preferences, like how he also knows that I'm no the type to go browsing for something when I already know what I want.

"Maybe something with an orange fragrance, Kazuki-san?" I suggest. I recall the vanilla scented hand wash had a touch of orange, the same scent that stained her hair. I never knew that the scent of the fruit could smell so appealing. However, it worked for her. It works for her.

He uses his wooden cane to help him propel his knees downwards. I hold the walking stick from shaking as the old man hunts through the cupboards, where there's a hidden box of flavours that are not on public display. He hands me the box as I help him get up into a standing position.

Kazuki-san lets out a tired sigh, recovering from the strenuous movement. "There are probably only two in there. Orange Pekoe with a dash of Cinnamon, and Orange Blossom Oolong."

Using the cabinet, I rest the wooden box on one of its shelves, opening it and finding four tins. I unscrew the lid to the Orange Pekoe, wafting in the smell, before attempting the Orange Blossom. To be honest, it does nothing for me because I'm not a tea drinker. I don't know which one smells better over the other. I don't even know why I'm buying Sora some tea to begin with, especially when I don't know when I'll be seeing her next.

Tempted to put the tea back, Kazuki-san chuckles startles me.

"Yamato-kun, pick the Orange Blossom Oolong. If you want to impress a lady, Oolong tea also depicts a sense of maturity for its traditional flavour."

"Thanks Kazuki-san." I laugh, scooping the tin of the oolong and adding it on top of my basket of coffee beans. As Kazuki scans in my order he glances up at me. "I hope you introduce me to this fine lady one day."

I roll my eyes, tapping the brim of his hat. "I'll see you when I need a top up again."

"Of course you will, son."

Before I step back into the open, I put a black mouth mask over my face, while quickly placing my black sunglasses over my eyes. At my parked motorbike, I store the newly purchased items into the top box, and strap the helmet around my head, buckling it under my chin. The engine rumbles and soon my feet leave the ground.

The fresh air against my skin feels good. Being cooped in a stuffy studio all day is tiring. I managed to finish my studio run early today, which mean I had time to spare. It's rare that the sun has not set yet. Sometimes I forget how it's like to have sunlight on my skin because I'm always indoors working from early mornings to late nights. It's not a healthy lifestyle, but if I don't work hard enough, I'll regret it, I'll end up back in square one, when I had nothing.

I'm there in less than twenty. As I park my motorbike, I take off my leather gloves and grimace at how sweaty my hands are. It's not a cold day, but because I'm here, at the clinic. I'm jitterish. I don't wanna be here, but it's in my duty to. I have to.

Ever since Takashi's been admitted, I've come here less than a handful times. Usually with one of the other members in the band, but this time it's by myself. I'm tempted to leave...but I can't. Takashi is still family to me. He's still that older brother I looked up to, somebody who I had respected, and it's depressing only seeing a shadow of why he used to be.

After taking my ID, I'm allowed past security and am led to the meeting room. I don't want long enough because sure enough, soon later, the budges open and I gaze up to see the former lead guitarist of KOD.

His eyes aren't hazy. Not the typical haze I'm used to clouding his eyes for the past years the band was active, and even when we had separated. He had been a heavy user, and it's peculiar observing him semi-lucid.

There's more fat on his skin, more colour, and...more rage.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

I shouldn't be expecting anything less from him. He's developed a hate for me over the years. I'd be naive to think that I'd be in his good books. He hates that we have put him here. He wants to get out, he wants his latest hit...and we're not supplying it to him. He's taking it out by lashing out on us and, well, I'm an easy target considering I had come to check up on him alone.

"No real reason," I keep my voice cool. "I obviously wanted to see you."

"Really?" Takashi snorts at me. He sits on the opposite chair with me. There's a security guard that is perched on his side, either in case he tries to run, or in case he tries to attack me. "Why care about me now when you never gave a fuck about me."

"You don't to pity talk me, Takashi. You know how much you mean to us, to your band too. To us friends."

"Bullshit." Takashi sneers at me. "I thought you were all about having fun and getting shitfaced, ey Yamato? Didn't you tell me to let loose once in a while?"

I sigh, though vaguely remembering. It had had been a long time ago, but I wasn't going to pretend either. "Weed, sure...but you took it to a whole new level. I never got you onto the harder stuff. You wouldn't stop no matter how much we told you to not take anything else."

"Like it didn't stop you," he ridicules.

I growl. "I had control, Takashi. You...you're-"

"You're just feeling guilty, Yamato," he dives in, attacking me. "That's the only reason why you're here to see me. Because you left Kaori, she died. And you don't wanna leave me the fuck alone because you're scared. Isn't that it?"

"Shut up." My voice is shaky.

I hate how he's throwing her name around like this. I hate how he's talking about it all like it's nothing. I hate how he just knows which buttons to press to piss me off. And I...I don't want to talk about to him about Kaori, especially when he's like this. Bitter, menacing and acting like a darn bastard. Blame it on the drugs, on everything else...but Takashi is doing this intentionally to throw me off from my centre, to really irritate the fuck out of me. And, shit, it's working.

"Get high on this. Don't cause any trouble to anybody else, or I swear I'll tell you grandmother how much you've screwed up." Holding my breath, I throw him the bag of coffee beans at him. Coffee had been our common interest, and he'd always loved the roasted beans I'd get from Ochanomizu.

Who knew that me seeing thing could take a turn and get so bitter? He hadn't been like this when I had last seen him.

He eggs me as he watches me leave. "Yeah, turn your back on me. That's what your good at, asshole."

The only reason why I am going is because if I don't, I'll lose my temper at him. I roll my eyes. One day he'll be despicable, other days barely rousable, other days withdrawn. Takashi's one crazy mess and I don't know if he'll ever end up being the same person I had known when I had met him. It's bittersweet.

Hell, it's fucked. That's what it is.

Thinking of today's visit, as I exit the clinic, makes me grind my teeth. How long can we all endure Takashi's behaviour? Will he ever improve? Maybe I should lay off a week or two because if I walk back into the clinic and have him acting like a jackass to me, I might end up punching him out or storming off again. I want him to be better; to get better, but from today I know it'll be a long process...and it darn right hurts.

He had been right about few things. If it hadn't been for me, I wouldn't have let him experiment with drugs. I had wanted Takashi to have fun. I hadn't thought about the repercussions, not when I had been a stupid teen and consistently, heavily intoxicated. But I can't blame that on my idiocy or drunken state either. I did this to him, just exactly how I had done Kaori wrong…

"Oi. Yamato?"

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I notice my boss leaning back onto my motorbike in the car-park. It's been a while since I've seen him outside of the office, in semi-broad daylight (considering the sun is setting right now). I shouldn't be surprised that he's here. Like I've said before, Takashi has always been one of Seiji's favourites because, once upon a time, he had been the model son, proper and cooperative. And now everything's reversed and gone haywire, Seiji seems just as lost as me.

"He's in a horrid mood right if right now, Seiji-sama. See him at your own risk and don't tell me that I didn't warn you."

"Is it because the two of you had a brotherly quarrel?"

I tuck my hands into my pockets, sending him a side glance, "What do you think?"

Perhaps I've known the old man too long, to know his tendencies. How there's a stray hair that's out of place, the bottom of shirt isn't completely tucked into his pants and how sunken his eyes are. Takashi's state has taken a toll on all of us, and it hasn't been completely missed by Seiji either.

"You haven't been going to the sessions," he states, diverting the topic. Despite being busy, trust Seiji-sama to have enough time to snoop around. He must have found out that I had been ignoring Makoto-sensei's messages.

"There's been enough of my mind. I don't have the time," I say. "I promise I'll be a good little boy and obey your command once everything smooths over."

"When will you ever show respect to your elders?" Seiji frowns. "You can stop your irritating satire now."

"Since when am I ever sarcastic?" I query, sighing upwards as I crane my neck to look at the sky. There are no stars yet, and even if they're there I won't be able to catch them because of the city lights. I'd kill to be back with my grandparents at their ryokan right now. That's the problem whenever you go on mini escapes or holidays, you yearn to go back as soon as you've left.

Seiji doesn't move from in front of my motorbike, forehead creasing. "You know I'm here if you need to talk. You've been through the most out of all of us, kid. You always try to carry too many things on your shoulders."

"Takashi's been through the most."

"And you have had your own things going on too. You know you that you can take more leave if you need-"

"I'm good," I reply. If anything, working has been my survival method, my constant steady. If work is taken away from me, I don't know if I can function properly. I needed it because it was my form of stability, even though I knew relying on work like this is - in fact - also unstable.

He doesn't argue with me because if he does, we'll be at the car-park till dawn. His purpose here is to visit Takashi, he could annoy me later. He tells me this, and I laugh at him as I wave him off.

Jun calls on my handsfree as I drive back home, asking how Takashi is. She's just about to start her shift, but she's the last person I had texted, which is why she knows about me dropping past the clinic. I fill her in on Takashi and how we clashed, and she lectures me for bickering with him.

She ends the phone call by telling me to rest. I easily oblige, for once not putting up an argument with her. Sleep comes in easy as my body sinks onto the mattress, blankets warming me up as I drown into a slumber.

"Hey...hey Yamato-chan? That's your name isn't it?"

Mmh? I turn my head, not knowing where to look or where to focus. I narrow my eyes. Everything is blurry. The voice seems so distant, yet so close. It talks again to me. "Did you want to try it? You've been hovering by the door for a while, humming along...why don't give it a go?"

"Try what?" I ask out loud, as I hear the acoustic playing of guitar surround me. Musical notes gliding in the air, spinning, making me dizzy and feel light-hearted. It's beautiful, talented playing. Music that, even if I took years to learn, I would never master like how fluid-like the guitarist played.

"Here."

There's a guitar. Well, I think it's a guitar that's resting on my lap. It definitely feels like. The strings, the carefully sandpapered, polished wood, its curvy body. It's like my father's old bass guitar, the one in the spare room that has been layered in dust. The guitar, what I assume it to be, feels nice, resting helplessly there on my lap, wanting, wishing to be played.

"I can teach you if you want?"

"Really?" I perk up.

A hand on my shoulder, encouraging day after day. Longer than the soccer practices, as they'd fade away from outside, as we practice continuously until the sun sets and my fingers are numb, and sometimes bleeding. "You're doing really well, Yamato-chan."

My mouth is tired from grinning. "Thanks Taka-sempai."

He chuckles, I laugh.

Laughter turns to giggles.

I bury my face into her hair, and she croons, softly moaning.

We're at hers. Velvet blankets. She always had a thing for velvet. She always smelled of paint. And her piercing eyes were always tantalising, body supple and lips glossed a deep cherry.

"Yes, I really love you," her voice whispers.

My heart pitter-patters, and I glimpse raindrops falling down from the window. Rainy days always are nice for indoors. They're always nice when she's in my arms. We liked watching the rainfall together because there's something intriguing and captivating about something that could also be portrayed as sad.

Her hair is blank ink, cascading, turning, swirling into a pastel orange. No. A dark red. It's warm. She's warm. Her laughter resonates, sometimes confused, but always kind. A kindness that I may have lost a long time ago.

"Calm. You make me feel calm. Thank you." I murmur into the whiteness, into the mist. You make me feel safe, I say to myself. The taste of caffeine changes to tea.

She makes me forget. She makes me remember that there's still more to life than what's been smothered by the past, by what has been turned to ash. There's hope. A new life to discover. A new me. I'm thankful for it, but am I? Am I ready for it? Do I deserve it?

I kiss her on the forehead. Her honey-coloured eyes turn a dark brown.

"Who is she?"

Her eyes brows furrowed, voice hurt as her short, auburn hair transits into a long, midnight black. "Have you forgotten about me, Yamato?"

"I'd never."

"Then why did you betray me?" Her voice is fragile, like glass. A voice, a person you'd always want to protect. Somebody you'd have to protect.

My jaw tenses, fear shattering through me. "No. Don't jump Kaori. Please, I-"

"Yamato?"

No.

If I answer, you won't leave me alone. Leave me alone. Disappear.

"Yamato?"

A buzzing. It sounds irritating. Like a bee, or insect curing in my ears. It keeps going, persisting until the buzzing creates a tone that sounds vaguely like my phone. Is it my phone?

"Yamato?"

Tightly squeezing my eyes shut, I open them. Sure enough, my phone's still in my hand. I had been holding it before I had fallen asleep. It keeps vibrating. My eyes are watery. I'm uncertain whether it's from the dream, or from waking up. My heart is still pounding so fast, that I feel the urge the throw up.

"Hello?" I answer the call nevertheless.

"Onii-san, Hikari's at the door. Why are you ignoring her?"

"Who? What?" I'm barely managing to make sense of everything.

My mind's a jumbled mess. Isn't it funny the more you avoid things, they somehow manage to creep their way back into your mind? It's really thrown me around, seeing the spitting young version of Takashi. Before everything happened. And Kaori, that was another story on its own…

"Yamato-kun?"

I swear, nobody addresses me properly these days. Enough getting the 'kun' from my elders, but when it's your sister-in-law calling you this way, it's kinda like a jab to your ego. I grumble loudly, "Be there in a min, Hikari-chan!"

My toes worm into my pair of straw slippers as I drag myself to the front door of my apartment. Takeru's still on the phone. I almost get startled when he begins speaking again, "Are you deaf? What will you do without us? What if there was a fire?"

"What if you'd just shut up?" I snarl back.

"You're such a grown-up kid."

"Takeru," I hiss at the pest. "Have you tried looking in the mirror?"

I open the door. As predicted, Hikari's there. It takes me a while to process what, in actual fuck, is going on.

Hikari says to me, "Please?"

She's doing a pose that makes me take a second look at her. Her hands are pressed together, eyes pleading as she unblinkingly stares at me. She separates her hands before clapping them back together, like she's at a shrine, praying.

Why now? Why the fuck is she praying to me? I'm no fucking God. If I'm to be something, I'd be the damn devil incarnate.

"Takeru, I think your wife has lost it. Take her back."

The receiving end it cut off. The bastard has hung up. I scratch my head, trying to figure out what Hikari praying has got to do with me.

Then I hear a moan.

Stepping forward, I look behind my sister-in-law and note my best friend, holding himself on the wall behind the door. By how he's doing a shit job at holding himself up, it's darn obvious that Taichi's drunk again. Fucking hell. It doesn't end there. Hikari thrusts her brother into my apartment. I swear in disbelief as she shuts the door closed to my own home.

No wonder my brother and Taichi's sister make a great dynamic duo. The devils feed off each other and are professionals at manipulation. The true Japanese Bonnie and Clyde. Whenever they are paired together, they're smarter and easily triumph over Taichi and I. We suck when we're against them, and even more now when it's technically two versus one (considering Taichi is literally out by default).

"Sorry Yamato!" Hikari yells at me from the other side of the door.

"You're not sorry," I snap back at her. Darn it. When would everybody stop using my place like their own?

"Just do Takeru and me a favour? He's your best friend. You don't have children. Do you know how hard it is to have children and care for another big baby?" Hikari reasons out. "Anyway, I gotta go!"

Of course she does. I exhale, talking to myself, "I still don't approve of this."

I glance at Taichi who's making himself towards the living area. He bumps into a shelf, which causes a few picture frames to fall as he finally makes it to the couch.

My brother and his wife do have a point, they have their own family to focus on. Koushiro is interstate at a conference for the next two days. Daisuke will probably encourage Taichi to drink more. I'm the best option and despite not even wanting to be, I don't have a choice. This break-up between Mimi and him must be taking a toll on my poor, dear, furbull-head of a friend. I probably should check with Miyako if she has an idea whether Taichi and Mimi's little quarrel will end soon. It's affecting all our lives, really.

This is probably why it would never be idea to get in too deep with Sora. Probably.

Yeah, get a grip, Yamato. She clearly confirmed she only wants it to be a one-off thing. No strings attached. I'm meant to forget about what happened between us. Like hell I will. I bloody bought her tea, and if she's merging in my dreams with Kaori...God, I'm fucked.

My apartment already smells of booze. Just how much has Taichi had to drink? I wander towards my best friend who is sprawled on the couch, tossing a blanket over his sorry figure.

As I head towards the photo frames he had knocked over, I hear him mumble in his heavily intoxicated state, "Why is love hard, Yamato?"

I re-adjust the fallen photo frame back into a standing position, gazing at the four faces smiling at me. It's like a dream, a false reality that's the captured image of Takeru and myself when I were kids, mother and my deceased father before they had divorced. It had been our last photo together, like we had been a family. A memory that love is not constant, that it can easily evaporate into thin air.

"I don't know why either, Yagami," I truthfully reply.

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(a/n) This chapter is really a mix of jellybeans. His emotions are all over the place, and I hope it's well portrayed that way here. I was close to rewriting this chapter, but then it wouldn't be true to the happenings of this story. And, to think, he hasn't even reached breaking point yet. Oh, this story is going to become super messy xD Haha. Thanks for reading!

Missy-May: Haha. Yes. You would have probably read Bittersweet Catastrophe, whereas this story is from Yamato's POV. It's the parallel story, scenes that I couldn't explore from Sora's POV. Thanks for reading!

Dikus: I also kinda interpreted Yamato differently, until I started writing his side of the story. There's much more to flesh out here. Haha. But yeah, he was more aware of how his feelings/thoughts in regards to Sora, than she was in-tune with him. xD Glad you enjoyed it the previosu chp :)

Ana Maria: It's fun/hard exploring Yamato's character in this story, but yeah...I am enjoying the light-heartedness of Yamato slowly developing feelings for Sora. Thanks for reading :)

(will reply to the rest of the reviews later & hopefully edit this)