Summary: So, I've been watching a lot of Bojack Horseman and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so I thought of writing Jaune as a depressed, half-neurotic whiner with some confidence and existentialism issues.
Warning: Contains substance abuse and depression.
Chapter 1: Substance
As Ruby stumbled around Beacon's courtyard, she felt that her first day there could only get worse if she stumbled into someone and spill their luggage or something.
So, naturally, she did exactly that.
"Ugh! What do you think you're doing?!" Ruby sat up from the ground and looked at the white-haired girl standing over her.
"I-I'm sorry!"
"You're sorry? Do you have any idea of the damage you could've caused?!" She demanded as Ruby stood up.
"This is Dust," The girl said as she walked over to the pile of suitcases, "mined and purified from the Schnee quarr-EEK!" The girl leapt back while screaming and dropping the case, causing some of its contents to puff out in a red-tinted cloud. When the mostly-metal case hit the cobblestone walkway, it sparked and ignited the airborne Dust, triggering an explosion of fire, ice and lightening.
Once the smoke cleared and everyone's ears stopped ringing, Ruby saw the source of the other girl's surprise. Under most of the cases, laying on the bed of the luggage cart and apparently asleep was a teenage boy wearing a wrinkled black hoodie and jeans.
Ruby reached out and tapped him on the head, causing the boy's body to jerk before he rolled over, falling to the floor on his back.
"Ow. . ." He mumbled as he opened his semi-bloodshot eyes.
"What is the meaning of this!? Security! There's a homeless man on campus!" The white girl cried as Ruby got up and stepped back from both of them.
"Ugh. . . Easy on the yelling, Princess. I ain't the one who dumps their luggage on someone when they're clearly asleep. . . wait, what day is it? Also, where am I?" He asked as he tried to sit up, only to get vertigo and lay back on the nice, firm, warm floor. . .
"You!" The girl yelled, causing him to startle awake and shoot up onto his feet.
"I have half a mind to have you arrested! Trespassing, violating private property, clear public drunkeness-"
"Uh, if being drunk in public was a crime, everyone'd have a record." The blonde boy muttered as he pulled a small bottle of eyedrops out of his pocket. He craned his head back and squirted the liquid into his blue eyes before blinking rapidly and sucking air through his teeth, "Oh, wow that is brisk!" He cried as his eyes absorbed the drops.
He shook his head as the fog in his mind dissipated and he could see things clearly. "I'm sorry, what happened to your luggage, Miss. . . And she's gone." He said as the white girl walked away.
"I think you happened to her luggage." The red girl told him, "Or we happened, depending on who you ask."
Jaune took in his surroundings as past events came back to him. He was on the airship to Beacon. He vomited in a trashcan once it landed, then saw the carpet-lined bottom of the cart and decided to take a nap, and now he was here.
"Hey,"
"Hm? I'm sorry?" Jaune asked as the girl tried to get his attention.
"I said my names Ruby."
"Oh. I'm Jaune. Jaune Arc."
"Yeah. We've. . . Sort of already met."
"Really?"
"Kinda. You threw up on my sister's shoes on the airship."
"Kid, I've thrown up on a lot of girls' shoes. You'll have to be more specific." He said as he took a small orange bottle out of his pocket. The blonde popped the top off it and shook a few of its contents into his mouth before washing it all down with what was probably water.
"Um, what are those?" Ruby asked.
"Mostly painkillers mixed with candy. I call 'em Mike-and-Vikes."
"Oh. . . Are you in a lot of pain?" She asked him. Jaune stopped and stared at her for a minute before he laughed and started walking off somewhere. They ended up in a smaller courtyard with too many plants as Ruby tried showing off her weapon, a giant scythe-sniper rifle named Crescent Rose. "How about you? What do you have?"
"Great question. . . " Jaune said as he patted himself down and went over to a stone bench. He had on him:
His family sword and shield, Crocea Mors, a Ka-Bar Boot knife on his belt, an IMI Micro Uzi with two magazines, a Smith&Wesson 500 Magnum with a 4-inch barrel, a bottle and a half of Mike-and-Vikes, half an ounce of Northern Lights Cannabis Indica, two fifths of bourbon, a pack of cigarettes, three fifths of vodka, a fifth of whiskey and half of a turkey sandwich form Benelli's.
"Wow! Where'd you get those guns?" Ruby asked as she ogled the firearms.
"I have. . . No idea." He said.
"Do you know where you got the sword?"
"Oh, yeah. That's a family heirloom. My great grandpa used it to fight in some big war." Jaune replied.
"Uh, do you mean the Great War?"
". . . Sure."
"Ok, but what's with all the flasks and pills and-"
"It's medicinal!" Jaune said as he hastily gathered his things. He tried to make a break for it, running a total of four steps before he stopped and threw up into a bush.
He stayed there, waiting for things to turn numb again until he felt a hand rubbing his back. His sickened groans turned to a comfortable hum before he straightened up. Jaune turned to see Ruby standing next him, trying not to make eye contact.
"Wait, you're still here?" He asked.
The next thing Jaune knew, he was in a big ballroom with a bunch of empty sleeping bags around him. He'd been woken up by someone's foot nudging his leg, and opened his eyes to see a big dude in a burgundy suit standing over him.
"It's time for initiation, boy-o."
"What?"
"Initiation. For Beacon."
". . . What?"
The man sighed and shook his head before walking away. Jaune sat up and yawned. It was a good thing he'd cut bourbon with water, so he didn't have that bad of a hangover. He went to the bathroom and washed up as best he could.
His hair was as unkempt as ever, his eyes weren't bloodshot, he had some light scruff on his chin, and his breath was god awful.
Jaune showered and brushed his teeth before swishing a mouthful of vodka around his mouth to kill that last 0.01% of germs. He went to the locker room, checking the number he wrote down on his hand at some point last night.
Was it 636 or 939?
The blonde found his locker, finally, in between two familiar-looking girls talking to each other like a famous celebrity and the cyber-stalker she never thought she'd meet in person ever.
He ran a hand through his hair and walked over, trying to recall his combination.
"So Pyrrha, have you given any thought to whose team you'd want to be on? I'm sure everyone would be eager to unite with such a strong individual like yourself." Weiss said as the Mistralian before her strapped on the last of her armor. She hummed in thought for a moment before answering, "I haven't given it much thought. I was planning on letting the chips fall where they may."
"Well in that case, I was thinking that maybe you and I could be on a team together." The Schnee said hopefully.
"That sounds grand." The redhead said cheerfully. And with those three words, Weiss could build her future. They'd be the strongest team in their year, rising through the ranks as their time here only made them better huntresses. They'd be unstoppable! Popular! Have perfect grades! They'd-
"Fiiiiiiiiiinally." A tired voiced groaned out behind her. She turned around just to see the blonde miscreant from yesterday practically fall against one of the lockers next to Pyrrha and she. He looked like he was trying to find something on its door before he pulled out his scroll and knocked it against the electric lock. Once opened, he took out a myriad of items that could get him put on every no-fly list in the kingdoms.
"You!" She barked as he shut the door, making him jump and look around.
"Who?"
"You! You scraggly, mangey, uncivilized dolt! You're the one that was going through my luggage yesterday!"
"Uh, if I remember correctly, Princess, I was fast asleep while you dumped your luggage on me. . . Although, I may not remember that correctly. I was hammered." He said before his eyes moved to the taller, more filled out girl standing behind the gremlin.
"Well hello, Ten. I'm Jaune." He said with a smile, "If you really are worried about teams and such, maybe you could join mine."
"Oh, I-uh, I-well, hello, um-" Pyrrha stuttered out before being cut off by Weiss, "Hey! Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"
"Not in the slightest, Eight."
Weiss fumed internally, but managed to keep her composure, "This is Pyrrha,"
"Hello again."
"Pyrrha graduated top of her class at Sanctum." Weiss boasted.
"Never heard of it." Jaune said.
"She's the four-time winner of the Mistral Regional Tournament."
"Not ringing any bells."
"Ugh! She's on the box for Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes Cereal!" Weiss yelled.
Jaune narrowed his eyes and leaned forward to get a better look. Then he remembered something,
A house party while n vacation in Nottamun Town, Jaune was blasted on weed and redbull-vodkas. Then, sitting in a bowl on his kitchen counter, was the greatest cereal he'd ever eaten. It took him to his grandmother's house on Thanksgiving, eating pumpkin pie with his sisters. It was like eating an angel's shredded up wings. It was. . . perfection.
"Oh yeah. I thought I knew you form somewhere." Jaune recalled as he took a swig from his bourbon.
"Um, Jaune, is now really the time to drink that?" The redhead asked.
Jaune looked at her a second, then to the flask, then back to her. "I missed breakfast."
"Anyway. . . After hearing all that, do you really think you have what it takes to be on a team with her?" Weiss asked the blonde.
He shrugged, "Sure."
"Well, I think you'd make a great teammate, Jaune." Pyrrha said.
"Oh, stop it." He said with a wave.
"Yeah, Pyrrha, stop it. This behavior should not be encouraged." Weiss said.
Jaune leaned back against the locker and groaned, "Where is all the anger coming from, Weissy?"
"Do not call me that. And I'm not angry!" She snapped.
"Keep telling yourself that." He said as he walked off.
"Hey Jaune!" The boy turned to see Ruby and a taller, bustier blonde girl walking towards him. "Oh, good morning. . . I wanna say Robin?"
"Ruby."
"Ruby. Right. Whassup?"
"I wanted to introduce you to my sister, Yang." She said, gesturing to the blonde girl.
"Is this the same sister I threw up on yesterday?" He asked.
"Wait, that was you?!" Yang asked.
"No. Definitely not. We've never met before." He said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, we've got initiation to go to!"
"You remind me of my mother." Jaune told Headmaster Ozpin as he hurled all the initiates into the Emerald Forest. "Mostly because you're both batshit inSAAAAAAAAAAANE!" The platform underneath him shot him into the sky.
He righted himself in the air, feeling the wind howl past his ears as he saw his life fly through his mind. There were a lot of gaps once he hit puberty.
So, like any rational eighteen year-old would do in this situation, he took another swig of vodka, popped a couple codeine pills and hoped he'd go numb by the time he hit ground.
Instead of a head-on impact, however, Jaune felt his body lurch to the left as something intercepted his body, pinning him to a large tree and forcing him to dangle there like a deli meat. As the initial shock and nausea wore off, Jaune looked up to see that the thing that saved him was a red and bronze spear stuck through his hoodie.
Hmmmm. Stuck in a tree, too high to jump down, too drunk to care. . . And then he passed out.
Jaune. . .
Jaune.
"Jaune!"
"Huh-what?" The blonde startled awake, "Noir?"
He squinted in the midmorning light before he saw the source of the yelling in the form of Pyrrha. She stood there, her arms crossed and a worried expression on her face until she saw him awake. She reached a hand toward her spear and it seemingly loosened itself and floated right down to her hand. Unfortunately, that left Jaune to fall down the tree. His aura cushioned the blow, though, so no harm no foul.
"Oh, gods! Are you alright?" Pyrrha asked him.
"Yeah, yeah. I've got a lot of aura. I can take a lickin' and keep on tickin' for days, as they say." He replied as he dusted himself off. She smiled and put her spear away, "Well, is there still room on that team of yours, Jaune?"
"Ha ha." Jaune said as he took another sip of vodka.
They started walking through the trees.
"So, you're really some big champion fighter up in Mistral?" He asked her. She brushed a stray hair behind her ear and looked down, "Well, yes. I've fought in tournaments since I first enrolled in Sanctum."
"Huh. How'd that turn out?" He asked casually. Pyrrha looked at him strangely.
"Did I say something wrong?"
The redhead shook her head, "No, no. It's just. . . I'm not used to speaking so. . . informally about this stuff. Usually it's just overbearing fans or representatives looking to make sponsorship deals."
"Oof. Sounds annoying." Jaune replied, picking at a spattering of dried up glue on his hand.
"If I'm being honest, yes. It can be pretty stressful sometimes, but I suppose it'll be worth it when I become a professional."
"Oh yeah. What is it with the general public glorifying teenagers fighting for amusement and money, but if adults do it its a 'bum fight' and gets you 'banned from Outback Steakhouse'?"
"Um. . . I don't think it's so black and white as an age issue."
"Whatever." Jaune said as they approached a cave.
How the hell is there a big-ass cave like this out here? How did we not notice the cliff it leads into before?
Obviously it's because you're a stupid alcoholic and just being around you is making Pyrrha dumber by proxy.
Fair enough.
Jaune decided to make the smart decision and not go into the cave. They were looking for a temple, after all.
Unless. . . that's what Ozpin wanted them to do. What if the cave was a shortcut? What if the temple was in the cave? What if they keep moving on and never find the cave and he's the reason they both fail?
"Jaune."
"Hm?" The blonde turned to his partner, "Sorry. I was thinking." He turned to the cave once more.
Okay, we'll just go in for a few minutes to look around. We will not commit to the cave and we'll be ready to book it out to find the temple somewhere else.
"God damnnit! Stupid stupid stupid fucking idiot! What were you thinking?! A temple inside a cave?! How fucking stupid are you?!"
"I'm sorry!"
"What? No, not you!" Jaune yelled as the Deathstalker chased them. As it turned out, plunging into a dark cave with nothing to light their way but a vodka-soaked torch wasn't exactly a plan for the history books.
He fired his Uzi over his shoulder in panicked bursts while the pair ran through the woods. They must've ran for miles when they found the temple on the other side of a wide clearing, and could see other people up ahead.
They met up with them a few minutes later when the Grimm flung them across the grounds and Ruby and Weiss froze it in place to buy everyone some time.
Great. Saved by a goth twelve year-old and a Schnee with a bigger stick up her ass than Verde. The family'll love this at our next brunch.
"Are you alright, Jaune?" His partner asked.
"As rain." He replied before going over and grabbing a chess piece form the temple rotunda. "Some relic."
. . .
From there, they went on to defeat the evil monsters and finish initiation with flying colors. Everything was looking up until initiation.
"-you will work together as Team JNPR, led by Jaune Arc."
". . . Fuck."