A/N: Entanglement is a multi-chapter fic of the events taking place after Brand New Day. You definitely need to read those three one shots (King of Hearts, Defeated and Brand New Day) before reading this.
A/N #2: Thank you, so very, very much to everyone who takes the time to leave a review. I really appreciate it and it makes it so much fun to share this story.
A/N #3: Take notice of the change on the pairings list - or don't. Consider yourself warned.
Warnings: Angst, language, sex
Pairings: 2x3, 1x2x3, past 1x4, 1x5
Entanglement
Chapter Fourteen
Most people had lists of days to celebrate- holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. Days they could look forward to.
As with most things in life, Heero did things differently. He had days to dread- holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.
In some ways he was grateful to have spent Thanksgiving as a guest, an awkward fifth wheel with Duo and Trowa and their family. In other ways it simply emphasized just how alone, how desperately alone, he really was.
Listening to Duo give his mother a piece of his mind over her treatment of Trowa had, on one level, been gratifying. Just as it had been gratifying to see the way Trowa looked at Duo after they came back from their walk on the beach and Duo's assumed confession. Trowa had the look of someone in love for the first time that awed expression of wonder and attraction that you really only saw in romantic films. Heero was happy for them, he really was. But that didn't change the ache in his heart when he looked at them, when he heard the iron in Duo's voice when he told his mother to love Trowa for his sake, when he told his mother that he already had what he wanted and needed in Trowa, his partner.
Still, the pain of knowing that he really was just an accessory to their relationship paled in comparison to the pain he would have felt had he risked going home for Thanksgiving. The holiday meant too much to his family, and it was a day too close to the anniversary that had broken their family.
He hadn't been home for Thanksgiving since high school, and even for the three years before that there had been no celebration, no gathering of the family.
With Christmas coming up, Heero knew it was that time of year when he was most miserable, when all of his memories came back to haunt him. He had spent too many holidays alone to have much hope - and he didn't know if he could handle spending Christmas with Duo and Trowa after Thanksgiving.
Still, there were hard days to get through between now and then - days that the his pain and isolation in that relationship could not distract him from.
Days like today.
He had skipped his usual workout with Trowa this morning. Trowa had clearly picked up on his sense of desolation - so had Duo, but Duo was easier to avoid now that the YSI case had been settled. He didn't think he could deal with Trowa dropping hints about coming over, about talking and spending time together.
Heero supposed he should try to enjoy it while it lasted - before Duo and Trowa decided that now was the time to start a family and their time with Heero came to an end. They had needed him, and he didn't doubt that Duo really did love him, but their relationship had been mended, their lives back on track, and soon enough Heero would no longer be welcome in their home or their lives.
In the week since Thanksgiving he had only been over to their apartment twice, and both times had been bittersweet. When they were together it felt amazing, as if Heero belonged with them and nowhere else in the world, as if they truly wanted and needed him. But for all those hours in the day when Duo and Trowa had each other and Heero had no one, it felt as if he truly did not belong anywhere.
Gina walked into his office and sighed.
"Did you not like the salad?"
He frowned guiltily and glanced at the wilted greens that had been sitting on his desk for over an hour.
"No," he assured her, because she had picked the salad he always ate, "it was good."
She arched an eyebrow but didn't comment further.
"You have a call on line two," she informed him.
"Who?"
"Not a client. That friend of yours, Wufei Chang."
"Oh."
Heero stared at the phone but made no move to pick up the receiver.
"Shall I take a message?"
"No," Heero decided. Wufei would have only called today for one reason. "I'll answer it."
He waited for Gina to leave before doing so.
"Wufei."
"Have you been to see her yet?"
No greeting, no semblance of small talk. Wufei knew him well.
"No." Heero had to clear his throat. "Not yet. I… I didn't want to run into them again."
"When did that happen?"
"Last year. It was...not pleasant."
Wufei sighed.
"I imagine not. I just finished my final class for the day. Get your things together and let's go."
"Wufei, you don't have to -"
"I know I don't have to, Heero. But I'm going to go with you anyway so don't bother arguing with me."
Heero swallowed hard. He didn't deserve Wufei's friendship. Especially not on a day like today.
"Heero. Stop it." Wufei's voice was sharp.
Heero sighed.
"Let me finish up a few things. I should be ready to go in -"
"You have thirty minutes. I'll be at your office by then."
Heero nodded, then realized Wufei couldn't see him.
"Thank you," he said.
"See you soon," Wufei said and hung up.
Heero worked to finish up the cases he had been half-heartedly working on. He hated how distracted and inefficient he had been all day, but for the life of him he hadn't been able to make himself focus.
"I'll be leaving for the day soon," he informed Gina as he threw out his uneaten salad.
"Would you like your calls forwarded?"
Heero shook his head.
"Just take messages. I'll get to everything first thing in the morning."
She nodded and then seemed to hesitate.
"Is there… anything I can do? To help you?"
"I didn't realize I was being that obvious," he muttered, humiliated that his secretary was trying to comfort him.
"You aren't," she assured him. "But I've had a few months to get to know your body language. I haven't seen you look this miserable in months. Not since…" she trailed off. "Is Relena coming back?"
Her tone startled a laugh out of him.
"No," he said and then paused. "Not that I know of. This is… a personal matter."
Gina nodded knowingly.
Wufei arrived promptly half an hour after the end of the phone call, saving Heero from a more in depth heart to heart conversation with Gina.
"Ready?" Wufei asked.
In his sweater and gray wool overcoat he looked solid and warm and Heero fought off his urge to hug him. He wasn't twelve. He wasn't weak - and he didn't even have the right to want that kind of comfort from Wufei anymore.
Heero nodded and together they walked down the hall towards the elevator.
They passed Duo and Trowa's offices on the way. Both men were in Trowa's office, Duo leaning against the door frame while talking to Trowa inside.
Duo looked over his shoulder as Heero passed and he smiled.
"Hey! We were just talking about you and -" he stopped himself when he saw Wufei. "Hi."
"Duo, this is Wufei Chang, Wufei, this is Duo Maxwell. And his husband, Trowa Barton."
Wufei shook hands with Duo and then with Trowa, who rose from his desk to stand in the door beside Duo.
"Ah, the mysterious friend," Duo said and smirked at Wufei. "We should all grab dinner sometime - I'm sure you've got stories about Heero's wild law school days we can use as ammunition against him in the future."
Wufei arched an eyebrow, clearly underwhelmed by Duo's charm.
"I'm sure if Heero had any exploits he wanted to share then he would," Wufei said.
Heero felt his lips twitch at Wufei's typically dry response.
"Right…" Duo said. He arched an eyebrow at Heero.
"We're on our way out," Heero explained to him.
"Ah." Duo nodded and looked back at Trowa, who was glaring at Wufei.
Heero frowned and then noticed that Wufei was returning the glare with equal force.
"We won't keep you," Duo said. "If you want to grab dinner or… anything later just let us know."
Heero nodded.
"Have a good night," he told them.
"Nice meeting you!" Duo said as Heero and Wufei started to walk away.
Wufei refrained from making snide comments about Duo or Trowa as they rode the elevator down, which Heero would have found incredibly odd if it was any day other than today. He imagined that Wufei was restraining himself in light of Heero's current misery. No doubt he would get an earful later about his colleagues, since that was all Wufei knew them to be.
"Cab or train?" Wufei asked him when they stepped out on the street.
A cab would be quicker, but it would also be quiet and private. Too easy to talk about the past.
"The train," Heero decided.
They walked in silence to the nearest subway terminal, sat down together in silence on the train, and remained silent for the entire ride.
They got off the train and walked in silence to their destination. The sun was just beginning to set, orange and red washing the sky behind the trees of the Evergreens Cemetery.
Wufei trailed behind him, letting him approach the grave on his own.
Hana Yuy. Beloved Daughter.
He should have brought flowers, but he never did.
The gravestone was already lavishly decorated with pink roses, her favorite.
Heero knew his mother had left them, had no doubt carefully arranged them to frame the words on the stone.
Leaves had been cleared around the marker, no doubt by Heero's father, who was meticulous about such things.
He knew some people spoke to the dead. A therapist had once told him it might help, if he shared his feelings and thoughts with his dead sister.
Heero had called the therapist a moron, even at the age of sixteen he had known that nothing would ever help. Not with this pain.
So he stared at the marker, at the simple granite and the plain, solid lettering, and he tried to remember her smile, her childish giggle when he tickled her. He tried to remember, but he couldn't. All he could remember was the way she had screamed.
He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there before Wufei stepped up and put a hand on his shoulder.
The sun had fallen completely, and only the dim light of distant streetlights illuminated the graveyard.
"The grounds closed about two hours ago," Wufei told him. "We should probably go before we get arrested."
Heero nodded.
Wufei's hand fell from his shoulder to grip his left hand tightly.
They walked back, hands together, in silence.
"My place or yours?" Wufei asked him once they had safely made it out of the cemetery.
Heero frowned in confusion.
"What?"
Wufei sighed.
"Do you want to go to my place or yours?"
Heero shook his head.
"You don't -"
"Stop saying I don't have to. I know I don't have to. Where do you want to go?"
"My place," Heero decided.
They were silent on the walk to the subway terminal, silent as they sat together on train, and silent when they got off the train and walked the two blocks to Heero's apartment.
As he opened the door Heero realized he hadn't had anyone over for almost a year. He always went to Duo and Trowa's apartment, and before them he had had his antagonist relationship with Zechs, who had never been over.
Neither had Wufei, he thought, watching the other man survey the minimally furnished one bedroom apartment.
"Nice view," Wufei decided, standing by the doors leading to the balcony that overlooked the Hudson river.
"That's why I got it," Heero admitted.
Wufei nodded and then removed his jacket.
Heero took it from him and hung it up by the front door with his own.
"I don't really have any food -"
"Are you hungry?" Wufei interrupted.
Heero shook his head in the negative.
"Neither am I."
They stared at each other for a moment and then Wufei pulled Heero against him.
"I'm sorry," he said, his normally harsh voice amazingly soft. "I'm sorry," he said again and the words made Heero shudder.
He clung to Wufei tightly. He didn't deserve the comfort, but he was too weak to refuse it.
Eventually, Wufei steered them towards the bedroom and they lay down together, limbs tangled and Heero's head resting on Wufei's chest while the other man ran his fingers over Heero's spine in a soothing motion.
"Eventually, you need to forgive yourself," Wufei murmured, his lips pressed against Heero's forehead.
"I can't," Heero was startled by the rawness of his own voice.
"Heero, you didn't do anything wrong," Wufei said. They had gone through this before. Several times.
"It's my fault she died," Heero bit out. He knew Wufei understood, but he always argued with him. Heero supposed it was the only thing Wufei could think to do. They argued about everything else after all.
"No, it -"
"I let her go," Heero reminded him. "I let her go and she fell and -"
And a bus ran her over, she screamed and she was crushed and her body barely had any life in it but she was rushed to the hospital and after hours of waiting, hours of surgery attempting to knit her frail little body back together, a doctor told Heero, his mother and his father that Hana had died. Heero still remembered the smell of the hospital, the way the flimsy chair in the waiting room creaked when his father hit him, the taste of blood in his mouth and the ringing in his ears as his father hit him again and again, calling him useless, a murderer.
"You didn't push her," Wufei pointed out. He sighed and pulled Heero against him tightly. "You didn't push her."
Her hand had been so small, and their gloves had been slick with melted snow. When she had dropped her bag she had tugged on his hand, trying to reach back for it, and she had slipped free.
Heero's parents had never forgiven him, and he had never forgiven himself. Every year he wondered if it would be easier - if the pain and the memories would be less - but every year it was just as fresh, just as deep.
Heero swallowed hard.
"You should go," he said eventually. Wufei had a life, he had a future and he did not need to spend his time here with Heero, drowning in guilt and self-recrimination.
"I'm staying right here," Wufei told him and kissed his forehead before nudging Heero's chin up so they were looking at each other. "I told you I would be here for you." Wufei sighed. "I wasn't, while I was in Germany. I… I thought about calling you, but I was too much of a coward."
Heero frowned at that.
"I didn't think I could hear your voice and not get on a plane and rush to you," Wufei confessed and offered Heero a sad smile. "I hoped that maybe… maybe you had forgotten how much it hurt to remember."
Heero shook his head in the negative.
"No," he said. "I don't see that happening anytime soon."
Wufei ran a hand down his face, fingers glancing over his jaw and he leaned down to kiss Heero's lips.
Heero kissed him back, savoring the warmth and firmness, but when Wufei's tongue traced the part between his lips he pulled back.
Wufei frowned.
"I met him today, didn't I? The married man you've been sleeping with."
Heero sighed.
"You met them," Heero corrected him. Maybe it was because this was tonight, and tonight he had no pride left, no self-defense for any of his actions.
"Them?" Wufei echoed.
Heero nodded.
"I've been sleeping with both of them."
"You've been having an affair with both of them?"
"Together," Heero felt the need to clarify. At Wufei's confused look he launched into the entire story, beginning with that one night stand almost a year ago and continuing up to the disastrous Thanksgiving weekend he had endured last week.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Wufei asked him, anger and frustration in his voice. "You deserve so much better."
"Do I really?" Heero shook his head. "I'm the selfish bastard who has spent the last four months hoping their marriage stays in shambles so they keep me in their bed. I deserve to be exactly this miserable."
"No, you don't," Wufei assured him and kissed him again, not allowing Heero to pull back this time.
Heero gave in to his desire for comfort, for his arousal at Wufei's touch, for his utter need for human connection on this night, of all nights.
-o-
Trowa swam with a frown on his face.
Heero could see it, out of the corner of his eye, every time Trowa's face turned towards him in the water. He could see it when Trowa hauled himself out of the pool and he stared at it when Trowa sat across from him in the hottub.
Heero knew the frown was for him. He knew Trowa was frustrated, likely angry, likely beyond the stretch of his patience. But Heero had been expecting this, waiting for this moment since the beginning. He was, however, completely caught off guard when Trowa finally spoke to him.
"Duo thinks he ruined this. He thinks he scared you when he said he loved you and he thinks you don't want to be in this with us anymore."
"What?" Heero had heard him, which Trowa knew, and the question earned him a patronizing look. "I don't even know what this is anymore," Heero snapped.
Trowa's frown grew more pronounced.
"Did you sleep with him?"
Heero could pretend he didn't know who Trowa was talking about, but he didn't see much point in it.
"Yes."
Trowa swallowed hard, his throat muscles working furiously for a moment. He nodded.
"I don't know what this is anymore either," Trowa admitted, his voice low. "Every time we try to bring you closer you pull away more. Maybe we just need to let you go."
His words filled Heero with a kind of bottomless dread.
"You have each other," he had to point out, "you have your life and your marriage and your future. There isn't any place for me with you."
Trowa shook his head.
"If you really think that - if you really think you don't have a place with us, that we don't want you and need you with us to have our life and our future then we've done a damn poor job of showing you how much we care about you. How much we love you."
Trowa's green eyes were intense, his gaze impossible to look away from.
"But maybe it's us that are the problem," Trowa mused. "A life with us - three men living together, working together - it would be unconventional and there are things none of us could have. Maybe giving those things up is too much. Maybe we are too much."
Heero hated that this had been turned on him. He wasn't the one planning to adopt children, he wasn't the one who was married. He was the one who had nothing.
"I love you," Trowa said. "Duo loves you. We want you to be happy - we want to make you happy. But we don't want to spend the next few months watching your drift further and further away. So you need to decide, you need to end this or you need to be with us, but we can't keep doing this, not the way things are now."
Without waiting for his response, Trowa rose from the hot tub and walked away.
It was a few minutes before Heero could rouse himself from the warmth of the water, and as he stood the chill air assaulted his skin.
The holidays, it seemed, were shaping up to be just as miserable as they always were.
-o-
TBC