MIRANDA
No, don't go, Mum. We have something to tell you…
PENNY
Oh, darling, can this be?
DAVID
Yes, Penny. I've asked Miranda to be my wife. She's made me the happiest of men and I promise to cherish her with all my heart and worldly goods forever and ever. And we're getting married straight away, well, the day after tomorrow so I don't have to wait any longer than I can bear to be her husband. And on that note, I'd better hurry, I must let my parents know; and I'll go and see the vicar and arrange everything. Goodbye Miranda, goodbye Penny, I'll be back this evening.
DAVID SWEEPS OUT.
PENNY CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. SHE SITS DOWN SUDDENLY ON THE SOFA AND STARES AT MIRANDA.
MIRANDA'S FACE IS EXPRESSIONLESS AND PENNY FROWNS AT THIS.
PENNY
Darling. I'm not sure he's right for you.
MIRANDA
No, he's not.
PENNY BURSTS INTO TEARS. SHE TRIES TO SPEAK BUT MIRANDA CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY DUE TO ALL THE WAILING. EVENTUALLY, PENNY CALMS DOWN ENOUGH TO SPEAK CLEARLY.
PENNY
This is my fault; all my fault.
MIRANDA
No, Mum. Oh I feel terrible now. It really isn't your fault.
PENNY
It is! I've been hellish to you; I've gone on and on and on about finding a husband; and I've made you feel guilty for letting me down for the last fifteen years because you're on the shelf and never make an effort with your appearance, leaving you with no hope of ever finding a man…
MIRANDA
Ok, I'm feeling less terrible for upsetting you now.
PENNY
Don't do it, Miranda. Please, don't do it. I can see you don't really love him. Not in the way you should.
MIRANDA
No, I don't love him. Not even a tiny bit. Though I have to admit, he's a jolly good kisser. But that's beside the point; he couldn't make me happy and I'd rather marry Benji!
PENNY
Then don't throw your life away; better to be a lonely, fat, unloved spinster…
MIRANDA
What?
PENNY
…Than trapped in a marriage that won't make you happy. And Benji is still single; I can phone…
MIRANDA
Look, Mum. I need to explain. I'm not going to marry David; I just need everyone to think I am. Well, everyone on his side of the affair; can you keep this just between the immediate family and friends?
PENNY
I don't understand.
MIRANDA
I'll make us a cup of tea.
MIRANDA GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND PUTS ON THE KETTLE. PENNY STARES AFTER HER FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN SLUMPS BACK ON THE SOFA, EXHAUSTED WITH ALL THE EMOTION.