Hermione jerked to conciousness, feeling drenched to the bone with something cold, wet and sticky. She came face to face with none other than the annoying master himself...Peeves.
"Morning Potty! Had a nice sleep?" the Poltergeist cheerfully and creepily greeted. Hermione groaned and sat up, making a note of the stuff she was swimming in.
"Peeves!" she yelled, apparently revolted at the sight of herself. "What did you do? And what is this stuff?" She held up her hands and tried to shake off some of the dark yellow gunk. Peeves only cackled loudly, did an air somesault, and made a face that angered Hermione more.
"Do you know," Peeves began in what he thought was a 'for-your-information' tone. "What the Giant Squid eats? Because this looks to be the...remains of its meal!" he cackled evilly, flew out through the wall and out of sight. Hermione's jaw dropped at the slop she was swathed in. She got out of bed quickly and ran for the bathroom, where Ron came out just in time fresh from the showers. He took one look at Hermione and assumed simply,
"You too, huh?" Hermione literaly jumped under the running water and started rubbing herself furiously with soap and shampoo. Ron was leaning outside the door, drying his hair with a red and gold towel. "How do you think he did that?" Ron called out. "Going into the lake and getting hold of that...stuff?" He walked over to his bed, pointed his wand and said, 'Scourgify!' His bed and Harry's were clean and dry, although the red head scowled heavily. "Ok," he said aloud. "My bed is going to smell like squid dung for the rest of the semester. The common room sofa is mine!"
When Hermione and Ron sat down for their morning meal, Harry was having a pleasant one himself of kippers and porridge. The three laughed and enjoyed their so far, so good normal breakfast...that is until--
"AAAARRRGGHHHHH! POTTER!"
The whole school stopped their morning activities and looked up at the doors to the Entrance Hall. Here Snape burst into the Hall not in his robes but in a tube top and a mini skirt with his face made up and his now blonde hair in a ponytail (a/n: curls up and shivers in horror). The only way the students distinguished him as their Potions master was because of his huge familiar nose. Snape pointed a shaking threatening finger at Hermione, looking absolutely livid and at the same time strange (a/n: 'strange' might be the wrong word here...) in his ensemble.
"Spit it out, Potter! I know you did this! YOU DID THIS!" Hermione, who was close to tears suddenly looked confused but calm.
"You have no proof that this was done by me, professor," Hermione said calmly and tried to shove down the laughter that was bubbling up her throat. Snape was breathing deeply and his fists were balled up tightly. And for the first time, Ron wasn't laughing or sniggering with the other students but he was on the floor, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth, muttering to himself. Apparently, he was highly disturbed by the sight of Snape in...well...not in his robes. Then for some reason, Snape eyed her pocket and in one quick flash his hand darted inside her pocket and came out with what looked like...a tube of lipstick.
"Oh really?" he sneered venomously. "Then what is this?" Hermione continued to stare at him.
"That's not mine, professor," she protested calmly. And she was about to say more when Snape shrieked;
"150 points from Gryffindor and three months of detention every night!" With this, Headmaster Dumbledore stood up from his table. He has been watching the proceedings with humor.
"That's enough, Severus," Dumbledore stated casually. He then turned to Hermione. "Mister Potter, you will only take a month's worth of detention." Snape was about to protest when he was cut off by Albus. "Severus, why don't you get yourself...ahem, cleaned up." After shaking in his spot, glaring at every individual in the Hall, Snape turned his heel and marched to the dungeons. The moment the huge oak doors closed with a snap, Hogwarts, once before silenced by the presence of Snape, erupted into gales of laughter as Hermione stood on the table and took a bow several times before returning to her seat.
"Harry, that was great!" Harry said, so did the rest of his fellow batchmates. Once the noises and pats on the back died down, they all settled down. Although Harry realized something he hadn't before.
"Wait a minute...a months worth of detention...'Mione! You gave ME a month's worth of detention!" he hissed angrily. Hermione merely smiled.
"I know! That's the beauty of it. I get my revenge on Snape and at the same time...you!" she said, clearly unfazed. "You know what they say, revenge is a dish best served when hot!" Harry's eyes widened in horror. Knowing Snape, a practical joke like this could result to enternity of insanity. He wanted to wring her neck right there but the Headmaster stood up again.
"Seventh years who are having Potions in the morning," Dumbledore announced. "You may take the period as your free time, as to avoid the...uncontrollable wrath of your Potions professor." The moment he said 'free time', seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherin gave out cries of joy.
"This is cause for a celebration, right guys?" Dean said out loud as they exited the Great Hall. "Seamus' getting the food from the kitchens." But at that moment, Harry was already planning his sweet revenge. Although the moment the trio entered the common room, they were welcomed by two very well known girls.
"Harry! What a lovely surprise! We were just like talking about you!" Parvati said excitedly. She and Lavender jumped up from the couch they were lounging on awhile ago. Hermione gulped as they drew nearer.
"Harry," Lavender began. "We were just like wondering, with whom do you want to go out with to Hogsmeade? Parvati or I?" The two girls stared at Hermione expectantly, waiting for an answer.
iNeither of you/i Hermione thought. "Well...gee, I um..." she stuttered. Then without warning, the common room turned into a dating game TV show studio complete with blinking lights, pink hearts background and game show music. Lockhart jumped unexpectedly on to the stage wearing a lilac suit and a cheesy game show host/car salesman grin and wink combination.
"Hello and good evening!" Lockhart boomed proudly on a microphone. "And welcome to Gilderoy's 'Who do you want to go to Hogsmeade with?' Where we can find a pefect date for you! That's right! For you!" He pointed to no one in particular. "And introducing our very lucky contestant here, he is the Boy-who-lived...Harry Potter!" In the next second, Hermione found herself under the glare of the lights and propped on a pink stool.
"What the--"
"And," Lockhart continued proudly. "Bachelorette number 1! She loves animals, long hot bubble baths, and sushi! Heeere's Lavender Brown!" Lavender appeared with a 'POP!' on the stool, crosslegged and winking and waving.
"Bachelorette number 2! She likes long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and Jell-O! Give it up for Parvati Patil!" Parvati waved as she did the 'call-me' gesture.
"And last but defitnitely not the least! Bachelorette number 3! She likes to kick my sorry butt for...entering into her fic...again..." Lockhart's game show host tone turned into a high pitched squeak when he read the card and looked at the person sitting on the third stool. The Dementress had her arms crossed and a never subsiding death glare. Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and tossed the card over his shoulder, looking highly uncomfortable and loosened his collar. "Ok! That was our show! Hope you enjoyed! We'll see you all next week! Good night everyone!" After emitting a high pitch scream, he ran around the Gryffindor common room with The Dementress on his path (Ron went over to the sound system and switched the game show music to chasing music) while the expensive pink hearts background collapsed on its back. chasing music still plays on background And that costed 750 galleons...
"I'm sorry! Don't eat me! I'll go back to St. Mungo's! I will!"
"You and your freakin' cameos! I swear I will stomp your sorry a--"
Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lavender and Parvati can only stare at the scary display of my temper. They watched as The Dementress stopped running and placed Lockhart in a box with a mere thought and then shipped him off to The Philippines (a/n: waitaminute! I live there!)...ok then to Mongolia (a/n: and if that doesn't work, to Jupiter then). She disappeared and the characters that were left were just standing there.
"Ahem, ok..." Ron started. Hermione just shook her head and pushed the two out of the common room to avoid any more conversations with Parvati and Lavender and unnatural happenings with the author.
A/N: puts up shield Ok, ok, ok! Let's see... sorry for not updating as soon as you wanted but y'know, I can't please everybody! I'm only a simple muggle and if I were a wizard, this story would've been up ages ago. Oh and sorry again for this short chapter...
Oh yeah and, thank you to MrsHPotter for the idea of Snape in a tube top and mini skirt!