Ooh, you didn't expect it that soon, did you?
Now, the beginning of this chapter is going to be a bit long and tedious, but I would suggest you read it, just for the information. Thanks!
Enjoy this chapter, mkay? I worked hard on it. You won't be disappointed!
oOo
Letting Peeta go may have been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I felt torn into a million pieces, but no matter how much my heart screamed to hold onto him longer, my head beat me down until I gave in. When I saw his face, broken and hurt, I wanted to leap into his arms, begging for his forgiveness, but I knew I would never let go if I did that. I had to run.
When I left Peeta's room, I had just a few minutes to gather myself together before going back into my room to face Elizabeth and Aprilynne. I knew I couldn't flip out and cry all over the place like I really wanted to. Technically, I'm supposed to be under the impression Peeta has been gone for months. Having a bout of unexplainable crying would make people suspicious. After all, I couldn't blame everything I did on my stupid hormones. At that point in my pregnancy, freaking out too much might induce labor, which is the last thing I need.
Gale had been slightly suspicious during the start of my third trimester. I was enormous, and when I was in my seventh month, everyone was under the impression that I was in my fifth. Twice a week it seemed like Gale would pressure me into seeing a doctor. Being that huge during my second trimester couldn't be healthy. Though I avoided the random checkups every time he tried pressuring me, I knew that when I had Forest next month, chaos might erupt. There was little chance of hiding the truth after that.
My life had evolved into a massive tangle of confusion. I grew around so many worries and thoughts and reservations like an old tree grows around a stone. It became part of my life, twisting me around. I can't say I liked it, so I did what I had to do to maintain normalcy; I denied. I denied everything. If I didn't, who knows what would happen? Sure, it's childish and probably not the best solution for my predicament, but it worked out. I went with the lies, I played dumb, I pretended, I dealt with what was happening the day it was happening, and when the time came to tell the truth, I would. There was no need to complicate things any more than necessary.
Living without being able to sneak over to see Peeta was…difficult, to put it lightly. At first it was hard to focus. I would break down at random times, I'd spend days drifting in and out of sleep under my covers, only eating when food was forced into my mouth. Everyone was afraid it was depression, but I thought confusion was a better word. After just a few days of that, I was able to get up and act almost exactly like I had been before. For a while, no one suspected anything. It worked out.
When the beginning of February rolled around, I was afraid. In less than a week I was due. Most likely unable to prolong it sufficiently, I just kept quiet and stayed in my room a lot, doing my best to be inert for most of the time. During that time, it was not strange for me to have painful cramps occasionally. My insides would twist and I would have to double over for a few minutes—hours if I was unlucky. Every time that happened, I was afraid it was the beginnings of labor, but it never was.
February 7th passed almost without a hitch, which made me even more suspicious. Overrun with curiosity, I reluctantly allowed Gale to take me to the doctors again. After tugging on some decent clothing (I'd spent almost a week straight in a heavy nightgown that belled out over my abdomen), I let him take my arm and lead me out.
It was hard to walk, like having a many-pound backpack strapped on backwards. I had to lean slightly backwards to avoid getting out of balance, and the skin on the lower half of my torso felt so stretched out, my legs didn't like being together all that much. It must have been absolutely hilarious watching me attempt to do everyday things. I knew this because I would catch Gale laughing at me from the corner of my eyes every now and then.
"How are you holding up?" Gale asked while we were walking.
I shot him an annoyed look. "I'm fine, Gale. I'd walk a lot further than this before."
"I know that." He tried not to smile. "You just look like you're having a hard time of it."
"I'm fine," I repeated, and left it at that.
We got to the hospital a few minutes later, and I guiltily took his elbow when we got to the maternity division. No matter how many times I visit the frightening blue room, I'd never be comfortable enough to navigate it on my own.
After signing in, a nurse led us once again back to the room I was to take that day. Dr. Illina met us at the door.
His eyes twinkled, but another look shone behind them. Holding me gaze until I felt uncomfortable, he stuck out his hand and shook mine. "Well, well. It's lovely seeing you again, Miss Katniss." The doctor turned up to Gale and they shook hands, too. "Mr. Hawthorne. Taking care of her, are you?"
"The best I can." Gale offered a smile, but I knew it was half-hearted. He still hadn't forgiven himself, which was just fine with me.
"So are we just in for a checkup, or what?" Dr. Illina held open the door to the room for me.
"Just a checkup," I said in a quiet voice, knowing what he was thinking about. When I walked in, Gale walked in after me without waiting for permission.
After so many times of doing this, I began routine, trying not to feel too embarrassed—especially in front of Gale. Struggling around my giant stomach, I undid the button of the special new pants I was forced to wear when I got too big for anything else. Dr. Illina was switching on the machine when I heaved myself onto the examination table and began covering myself up with the blanket at my feet.
"So," the doctor began, still setting up the instruments. "Is there anything I should be aware of before starting the ultrasound?"
"No," I said, when at the same time Gale said, "Yes." I shot him a glare. Who is he, my mother?
Dr. Illina raised an eyebrow at me, and then turned politely to Gale. "Well, what's been happening?"
Knowing I wasn't about to tell, my darling companion leaned forwards on his knees and rubbed his chin. "I'm not completely sure, but something odd has been happening the past couple of months."
"When you came in last month, things seemed fine." The doctor feigned confusion.
"Look at her, Doctor." Gale thrust a finger at my swollen stomach. "She's supposed to be six months in. Six months."
"The child is just growing, that's all." Giving his attention back to the instruments in front of him, the doctor offered no more explanation.
Not giving up, Gale stood. "She's been having horrible cramps that put her in bed for hours, and she's been showing signs of depression. She stays under her covers for days at a time, eats almost nothing. I don't think that's normal, now is it?"
"Mr. Hawthorne," Dr. Illina looked at the other man with serious frustration, and tucked my shirt up to my chest. "Pregnancy affects women in different ways. Her hormones are adjusting to the separate body feeding off of her nutrients, and weird things happen. Depression is not unusual, and cramps are especially not unusual. I'm not concerned."
I said a silent thank you to him and vowed to never complain about the temperature of the ultrasound gel ever again.
Neither of them argued any more.
Five minutes later, I was staring at a picture of my child on the screen. Unblinking, unable to tear my eyes away. I could actually tell what it is. I could see his nose, his mouth, his eyes, all four of his limbs along with the fingers and toes. At that moment, all I was thinking was, If only Peeta could see you…
Gale tore his eyes away from the screen to look up at Dr. Illina. " Boy or girl?"
He'd ask that every time we came.
The doctor looked at me, and I shook my head. "I want it to be a surprise."
"Sorry, Mr. Hawthorne." There was the unmistakable defiant laughter in Dr. Illina's eyes as he put away the instruments. "You're going to have to step out for the next part of the checkup, I'm afraid."
I couldn't help but groan quietly. I hated this part. It makes me feel so…exposed.
Sighing to himself, Gale stood up and walked to the door, only pausing to look back at me. I could see the mistrust in his eyes, but it was gone soon and he left.
MARCH 22st
It was dinnertime, and I found myself sitting once again on the counter holding a peanut butter sandwich in my hand. It had taken a lot of energy to walk all the way to the kitchen, so when I finally had the sandwich, I'd stretched out on the tops of the counters to eat, and when I was done, I stayed there and stared up at the undersides of the cabinets.
"…What are you doing here?"
I opened my eyes and glanced over at Gale standing in the doorway. "Taking a nap." I only was being a little bit sarcastic. "What are you doing here?"
Gale walked over to the counter I was lounging on and gave me a peculiar look. "I was just looking for you since you weren't in your room."
"I'm allowed to walk around, Gale."
No matter how much I tried ticking him off, Gale always seemed to ignore any snide comments. Part of me wondered if it was just because of the pregnancy, because he didn't usually put up with my crap before.
"I know that." He tried a small smile. "It's just worrying, not knowing where you are. Especially this far in. I'd want to be somewhat nearby if you went into spontaneous labor. One of my worst fears is you wanting to defy me and the hospital system and just sneaking off and having the kid in some closet."
"Only cats do that." Stuffing the last bite of my sandwich in my mouth, I swung my legs off of the counter and stood up with a grunt. "And besides, I still have a month left." On the contrary, I'm past my due date. So ha.
A raised eyebrow was all I got from Gale as he opened the kitchen door for me to leave. "I'm thinking you don't have quite that much time. I mean, look at you!"
I looked down hesitantly. "…The doctor isn't worried."
"But I am. You look like you could pop any minute."
We walked out of the kitchen and dining room slowly, mostly thanks to me since my walk was more of a sluggish waddle. Though I wasn't about ready to admit it, my stomach was doing the twisting sort of pain that it had gotten me used to lately. It throbbed in the background, more annoying than absolutely painful, there but not there enough to worry a whole lot.
"When we get back to your room, I want you to stay there," Gale said. "I need to finish up some paperwork in my office. It'll only take a few minutes."
To his words, I stopped, frowned, and looked up at him. "Why couldn't I be there with you?" It wasn't that I exactly wanted to, but he was using his "I'm-a-secret-president-doing-secret-stuff" voice. I hated that voice.
"Because it's…confidential." He glanced at me sideways. "It'll only take a few minutes."
We got to my room and I stood in my doorway, not necessarily wanting to spend any more time in there wandering around. There wasn't a whole lot to do, minus watching TV or counting the stitches on the bedcovers.
Trying not to pout, I obediently walked into my room and stood there with my back to him. The ache in my stomach was steadily getting worse, but I ignored it.
"I'll be right back." That was the last thing Gale said before he left.
Normally, I'd find Aprilynne lounging around on my bed on her stomach, ankles crossed in the air, messing with something in her hands. This time she wasn't, nor was Elizabeth. Letting out a sigh, I massaged the tender skin of my front and wobbled into the bathroom. Everything was fine until I got a few feet away from the bathroom door when I felt something warm gush between my legs.
Feeling heat rise on my face, I curse. Ever since the middle of my second trimester, my bladder seemed horribly sensitive. Everything was fine, except for sometimes when I walked, talked or breathed, I'd almost pee myself. I was inwardly thankful no one was in my room to witness this, but the second I took another step for the bathroom, it felt as though my innards, deep below my naval, twisted in place.
I let out a stunned squeak and threw out my hand to steady myself. My body seemed to collapse slightly, all my weight slumping onto the desk next to me. I could feel my arms and legs shaking and the strange feeling of a coiling snake in the pit of my abdomen.
"Damn it," I hissed, closing my eyes for a brief second until the pain receded.
Something was happening.
My head was too blurry to understand.
Keeping hold of the desk, I tensed my legs under me and tried to stand, but I felt the wetness again, and it surprised me.
"Gale," I said automatically, snapping my head around to look for him. His name was the first I called, though his face was not the first I saw. Peeta. But he couldn't be here with me.
Suddenly, I knew what was happening.
My legs buckled again, and I felt my heart rate leap up. "Gale!"
Two seconds passed, three, four. I waited for Gale to come, and between the first and the fifth second, the pain ebbed away again. I tried standing and dragged my feet towards the door. This couldn't happen in my bedroom. I couldn't do this alone.
When I got to my bedroom doorway, I called out again. "GALE!" The scream rebounded against the walls of the corridor outside my room and echoed. He had better have heard that.
By the time he got there, the pain had once again faded and I was standing up, leaning heavily on the doorframe, fighting a headache of disbelief.
"Katniss?" Gale skidded in front of me, panting, wearing a look of fear. He grabbed my shoulders. "What's wrong?"
I let out a puff of breath and looked up at him, eyes wide and brows slanted with distress. "I'm not…I'm not sure."
There was a long pause, but Gale caught on. His anxious eyes flicked down to where my hand was clutching at my oversized belly, and back up at me. "We'd better get you to the hospital."
No longer wanting to argue, I nodded and took a deep breath.
"Can you walk?"
"…Maybe." A sharp intake of breath was sucked through my teeth as I put my weight on my feet, but no pain came. It seemed to have left as soon as it had come, and I was able to walk again, despite the dampness in my trousers.
Gale offered me his arm and I took it, gripping it probably painfully with my fingernails.
Even though I was waddling as fast as I could, it still took a while to get to the hospital and get signed in, and by the time I was being laid out on a bed, I was feeling like I had been this morning: raw, fat, hungry, but not in pain. The doctors had hooked me up to several kinds of machines, but even after getting looked over by Dr. Illina, no one seemed very frantic.
"What do you mean, she's not ready?" Gale said indignantly to the nurse, crossing his arms and looking very big against the small brown aid.
"She's not fully dilated, Mr. Hawthorne." The nurse tilted her chin up and peered at him with knowledgeable black eyes. "There is still another several hours left, if not a day or so."
Gale narrowed his eyes. "You weren't the one who heard her scream."
She didn't answer. After tucking a clipboard under her arm, the nurse gave us both contemplative looks and then left us to the beeping of the monitors.
"I wasn't in that much pain," I told him impertinently, shifting my head on my shoulder to look at him.
The itchy gown I was put it felt like it was choking me, but at least they'd bothered to warm up the blankets before covering me with about fifteen layers. The metal link of the IV bag clinked quietly when I moved my arm, and the needle in my skin stung for a moment.
Gale dragged a chair over next to my hospital bed and sat in it heavily, supporting his elbows on his knees.
I stared at him with a somewhat blank expression on. "Really. I'm fine."
"No, Katniss." He rubbed his face with one of his palms and looked directly into my eyes. The pain was obvious. "You're not."
There was no arguing. I was physically fine—for a pregnant woman in the first stages of labor, that is—but emotionally? Mentally? Not everything was fine.
I wished Peeta was there with me instead of Gale. I wished he was the one sitting by my bed, staring into my eyes, holding my hand. It was his child, after all. It had been two months and eighteen days since I'd seen him. I missed his arms around me.
"Katniss?" Gale blinked nervously at me. "Are you…" He trailed off.
One thing he'd learned to not ask was if I was okay.
I knew I was crying. I felt the cold wetness on my cheeks, sticking to my eyelashes. Fighting to keep my chin from trembling, I looked away and rolled onto my other side so I wouldn't have to look at him anymore.
When I closed my eyes against the warm, bleached bedspread, Peeta's face was there again. I wondered if he was in our house right then. Mothers'? Maybe he was out at his bakery. Not here, that's for sure.
A memory surfaced in my head and I was back in my bed in District 12. Peeta was sitting next to me, head cocked with worry, listening as I blubbered. That had been my most insecure time, but it had also been the time he'd been there the most for me. I could feel his hand curling around mine.
Swallowing hard, I managed to pull my gaze away and put my forehead on his shoulder. "I lose you so often. In dreams, you always say you're there, and you always leave. Die, vanish, abandon me… I'm sick of being so vulnerable and breakable, and I hate dreaming about stuff like that. It scares me so bad, but as soon as I know it's just a dream, I feel stupid and foolish to have bothered you with my…complaining and whining."
He didn't move to brush aside my hair or touch my cheek or anything. His chest just rose and fell with a silent sigh. "Don't, Katniss. You don't ever have to feel that way, and I'll never leave you in real life. You know that. Even though the inconsistency is driving you mad, I'm sure over time it'll pass."
I snorted, pouting against his shoulder. "I doubt it. I'm thoroughly convinced I'm going insane."
To my surprise, I felt Peeta lean his face down close to mine, lips almost touching my ear. "What's not to love about an insane woman?" he whispered, and then drew his face back from mine.
I didn't know what to say to that. His words made me automatically melt into a pool of Katniss, but I wasn't sure exactly how to respond. Give him a list of what's not to love about an insane woman? Get up and fix breakfast? Give him a friendly punch on the shoulder and say "that's the spirit"? I didn't know. It rendered me confused and wordless.
Sighing, I sat up a bit and looked at Peeta, face puckered sadly. For a minute I sat there and looked at him. He held my gaze with his own. Curiosity made me lift a hand and put it against Peeta's cheek, surprising the both of us. Peeta's brows puckered in confusion and astonishment. His skin was as smooth as ever and still remained untouched by any form of stubble. Whatever they did to him in the first Games seemed to still work, which was odd.
I couldn't help but rub my thumb along his jaw line. "You still don't shave, do you?" The question, which would have originally bothered me, didn't make me embarrassed or even blush.
His mouth twitched up into a smile. "I don't have to. I'm worried it'll never grow again. It would take out a chunk of my manliness to not be able to grow facial hair."
I couldn't help but smile inadvertently as well. "You don't need to worry about your manliness," I said in a quiet voice. Automatically, my face heated and I was back to being the normal mortified Katniss who felt tiny against a world of constant embarrassments.
Peeta let out a laugh, and then took my face in both hands. He was grinning. "Thank you for reassuring me that, Katniss." Almost reluctantly (but not quite) he leaned his forehead against mine. "It's good to see you've got your sense of humor back."
"More like my sense of perpetual humiliation," I mumbled, still red in the face.
Letting saltwater coat the sterile hospital pillows, I squeezed my eyes tighter and let the morphine drag me under.
oOo
A/N: I'm going to rudely interrupt here because I just felt like putting in an intermission. So use the bathroom if you need to. Get a snack, a drink of water, maybe a woodland creature to keep you company.
How do you like it so far? I know. You probably expected Katniss to have her kid right then and there, but nope. She needs a nap. And some time to think of Peeta. We all need some time to think of Peeta. So go ahead, take it. No rush.
I do so like intermissions. In fact, I think I'm going to go and get a drink, too.
oOo
I dreamed that night of the forest. I was still pregnant, in a long white nightgown that brushed the ground as I walked. The bottom of it was brown with mud and torn but the top was in perfect condition, floating over my abdomen like a waterfall.
It appeared to be dusk in the forest, with purple light peeking through the branches of trees that stretched high to tickle the setting sun. It smelled of pine and fresh rain and life, something that was never smelt in the cold confinement of the Capitol.
As I walked, I felt Forest move inside of me. Something other than my child, though, moved between the trees many yards ahead of me. I padded slowly closer, curiously, feeling the lichen mold to my bare feet. The mystery person shifted in the brush and I caught a flash of blond hair.
"Peeta?" I asked, but no sound came from my mouth. I walked further.
There he was, darting behind trees and bushes and vines, eyebrows furrowed and hands shaking.
"Peeta, what's wrong?" I tried following, but Forest kicked in protest, hard against the underside of my belly. After sucking in a harsh breath, I called out again. "Peeta?"
Peeta froze behind the tree he was hiding with and looked at me with a look like he had on when he first got reaped. He held my gaze for a split second and then did what I hadn't expected him to do.
He ran.
I tried to run after.
Forest struggled inside of me, sending pain wrenching inside of me. Letting out a startled howl, I dropped to my knees and took a second to gasp before looking back up. "Peeta?"
But he was gone.
"Peeta…" I whimpered against the ground, cheek pressed against a soft patch of moss. "Come back…"
Another flare of pain split my torso and I yelled. The world around me shook and I was forced awake.
The first thing I heard was the screams. My screams. And the agony in my dream had not been dreamt. It set my whole middle on fire, ripping and convulsing, making my back arch.
When I was unable to yell anymore I just gasped.
"Katniss, Katniss,"
Through my tears I could see Gale's face hovering there above me.
My whimpers quieted and I had to swallow several times to clear a path in my throat for me to breathe. The agony was getting sucked back in, shivering to a halt, leaving me panting and sweating. It was only until then I realized I'd been clenching Gale's hand in mine. Slowly, I managed to peel my nails from his flesh and draw it back into my chest.
"…Ow." I reached my free hand up to my brow and wiped the small stream of sweat that had snuck into the collar of my gown.
Gale took my hand again—I was too weak to object—and glanced over his shoulder at the nurse I hadn't seen during my fit.
She was standing near the back of the room, staring at me with a calculative expression. "Are you alright, Miss Everdeen?"
I shifted upright and groaned. "Is that a trick question?"
The nurse sighed understandingly. "I'll get the doctor. You just wait there, sweetie."
When she left, I tried avoiding Gale's gaze because I knew what he was asking with those eyes. I knew without even looking.
"Katniss."
He knew I was going to give in. Swallowing past the thickness, I turned my head to look at Gale.
"Are you okay?"
The real question he meant to ask was, "What was the nightmare about?" He was no fool. He'd known me long enough to know what it looked like when I had a nightmare.
I blinked. "Yes, thank you for asking."
There was no disguising his feelings in the grey of his eyes. I saw guilt. I saw apologies and sympathy and love and… I could have been wrong, but he looked a little keen. It was no secret that he'd wanted kids. This wasn't his, though. Gale sucked in a breath. "I think it's…" He looked at our folded hands and raised his eyebrows slightly as though he were surprised, and then looked back up at me. "…I think it's happening."
"I know it's happening, idiot." I took my hand away from his. "I'm the one who has to shove this thing out of me."
Gale looked alarmed.
"Don't look so surprised." Okay, I admit I was having a little fun teasing him, but I'd had enough of being serious for a moment. "Didn't your mother teach you how babies were made?"
Gale stood up. "Maybe I should call the nurse."
"And tell her what?" I sank a little into my covers and wrapped my arms around my stomach. "That I've gone mad?"
He didn't answer.
"I'm hungry, Gale. Can you get me some breakfast?"
Scowling at the floor, Gale nodded once and left. And when he was gone, I put my mind at work. I had a few hours at best to come up with a name. Middle. I wasn't worried, though, because I already had names in mind. All I had to do was choose, but I wasn't that good at choosing…
"I know it hurts, Katniss, just wait, okay?" Dr. Illina dabbed a small towel on my forehead and gave me a comforting smile.
It was happening again, that pain that tore me in open from the inside, making my back arch. I was gritting my teeth and trying not to yell, groaning instead. Sweat rolled off of my forehead and neck, and my knuckles bones stuck out as I gripped the rails of the hospital bed.
Shudders ran up my body and it felt like my spine was cracking in half, splitting the tissue and the nerves in its way. Breaths were coming unevenly from my lungs as I tried steadying them to no avail.
Gale was standing a few feet from the bed, looking somewhat scarred, but didn't tear his eyes from my face. Besides him, there were two nurses, another woman that I didn't know why she was there, and Dr. Illina all crammed into my room. I didn't like being so crowded, but when your inside was eating itself alive, you didn't complain about much else.
"Just breathe," the doctor told me, and I let out a strangled cry.
"What do you think I'm doing?" I spat, chest heaving.
Dr. Illina put his hand on my shoulder. "It's alright, Katniss. You're doing just fine. It'll be over soon."
I knew that was true. The contractions didn't last too long, and even though they were painful, the break between convulsions felt better each time. I sweated and gasped and groaned my way through each one. There had been several since I'd woken up. They'd gotten closer and closer together. At first it was an hour or two. Than less than an hour. Then half an hour.
When the pain settled, I knew I had a few minutes until my next one. The sweat that coated my face and neck was gently toweled off and I was given water.
"You're doing just fine," the doctor repeated. "Not much longer, now. It'll be over soon."
Letting out tired breaths, I put my hand to my forehead and looked over at Gale through squinted eyes. He looked back and smiled a tentative little smile and came hesitantly over to me. The nurses parted to let him pass and he sat next to me. Our gazes were locked and I tried to read his expression. It was hard, but I knew he was there for me. Even though no one else was (Elizabeth and Aprilynne weren't allowed in the room), he was there.
When Gale offered me his hand over the rail of my bed, I took it and closed my eyes.
"This is going to be pretty gross," I tell him in an exhausted, slightly joking voice, peeking open an eye. "You sure you want to stay and watch?"
"I've seen birth before, Katniss." Gale smiled again, but it was more nervous than before. "I want to be here for you."
I gave a grunt of consent and closed my eyes again. "I'm still hungry. Wh—" A gurgle cut me off and I let out a cry.
The pain was coming again, quicker and more intense than any of the others. I could barely feel or see or hear anything through the blinding agony shooting from in between my legs. Even though it blurred my surroundings, I was faintly aware of Gale's hand letting me crush it with mine, of one of the nurses holding a towel to my forehead, of my legs bent and apart at the other end of the bed.
"Alright, Katniss,"
I heard Dr. Illina speaking to me and I tried to hear him over my panting.
"It's time to push again. Not too hard."
I did as I was told, but it hurt. I let out a strangled yell and covered my face with Gale's hand. My diaphragm struggled and clenched with the effort, and it felt like a cheese grater working on my guts. It ripped up my middle like lightning.
"A little harder, K—" The doctor was interrupted by loud squeals from the three women—the two nurses and the mystery woman.
"There's the head!" one exclaimed, jumping back almost as if surprised. Her blue eyebrows shot into her hairline.
"I can see it, I can see it!"
"It's right there, coming out!"
"We're so close!"
"Almost there!"
The girlish, excited voices blurred, and soon the only one I hear was the clear, strong voice of my doctor.
"Now, as hard as you can, Katniss. Push."
My screams must have shattered the windows, because for a second, my ears popped and I must have blacked out, because when I opened my eyes, the pain was (almost) gone and I wasn't screaming any more.
New cries had filled the room. Infantile and rough, gurgling through the fluid in its lungs.
I uncovered my face and lifted my head with what little strength I had left and stared through fuzzy vision at Dr. Illina at the end of my bed. In his arms was something slimy and red, twisting in the cold of the new world.
I couldn't help it. I threw my head back and laughed, feeling hot tears run down my face. They cut through the layer of sweat and trickled onto Gale's fingers where they were still being gripped by mine.
"Katniss?"
Wiping away some of the saltwater, I opened my eyes again to face the doctor. He swayed in front of me as my eyesight cleared, but then I could see it. In his arms, being held out to me, wailing quietly, was my child.
I let it be placed on my chest and I held him, unable to think, to speak. All I saw was the tiny bundle of life laying curled on my chest and the face that I'd been longing to see for months.
Blond hair.
Dark, dark blue eyes.
He looked like Peeta.
"Do you have a name for your new son, Katniss?" Dr. Illina asked quietly, looking at me with what seemed like pride.
Son.
I laughed again and touched my baby's face with a finger. It was soft, even with the drying crust patching his face. "Yes."
Everyone leaned in.
I tucked him under my chin and let more tears stream down my face. "Forest. Forest Rowan Mellark."
And then I tilted my head back and laughed.
Laughed so the world could hear.
oOo
Wee! Another intermission because I was totally going to have that be the end of the chapter, but then I realized I don't have enough more to make an entire chapter, so I'm just putting an intermission in and continuing it.
Do you like it so far?
Anyways, shutting up. Keep reading.
oOo
It took a little bit, but the people in my room slowly dispersed until it was just me, Forest, Gale and the strange nurse. She turned out to be some sort of aid for new mothers or something. She taught me how to hold him and how to nurse him and stayed by just in case I had any questions.
The whole ordeal made completely worn out to the point of it being difficult to keep my eyes open, but I did. I saw everything because Peeta couldn't. Of course, I was fine with that because it had been the best day of my life. The second I saw Forest's face, all the pain went away. His tiny, scrunched-up nose, his mouth shaped exactly like Peeta's, the tiny fluff of light hair on the top of his head.
I held him and didn't tear my eyes from him because I was in disbelief. Was this really my child? All the time that has passed since I first wanted one…since I'd first tried to have one… If I hadn't been staring at his face I would have thought it all some hazy dream, but there he was, pink and chubby and so small, wrapped in his tiny blue blanket, clinging on to my chest.
I allowed myself to close my eyes for a moment and lay back in the hospital bed.
"You need some rest, Miss Katniss," the women's aid said gently to me, putting her hand on my arm. "Would you like me to take Forest for a little bit? It'd do good to get his vitals."
I glanced tiredly up at her. "I'm alright. I can wait."
Gale, who had stayed absolutely silent the entire time, leaned forwards a little and put one of his hands on the bed rail. "We'll take care of him."
"I want to hold him…" My words were slurred with sleepiness, but I forced myself to stay awake.
"You can still hold him." A warm, calloused hand slipped into mine. "But rest. You did good today."
Before I let myself drift to sleep, I opened one of my eyes and looked up at Gale. Perhaps it was the pain medicine they'd given me, but for some reason I felt a little nicer to him. I saw my best friend sharing blackberries with me in the woods. I saw the boy who taught me how to weave nets and catch fish in the stream. I didn't see anything in him that deserved how I treated him.
I flopped my head onto my other shoulder and sighed. "I'm sorry."
His frown was the last thing I saw before falling asleep.
I'd slept past lunch, but when I woke up, everything was peaceful and okay. Forest was sleeping on my chest, curled around his blanket. Gale was found sitting in the exact same spot he'd been in when I fell asleep, still holding my hand, staring off into space. When he noticed me awake, the first thing he said was that the nurses were going to let me go after dinner.
Dinner was mostly over, and I hadn't eaten a lot of it.
"Hey, Katniss," Gale asked me, picking sesame seeds off his bread.
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you something?"
I looked up from my uneaten pudding and furrowed my brows worriedly at him. "…I guess."
He bit his lip, hesitating, before going on. "Why did you say 'Mellark' as Forest's last name?"
"Because it's my last name." I didn't feel like being offended or indignant right then, so I just sighed sadly and lifted up my left hand for inspection where it was curled around my child's sleeping body. "I lost my ring when we got caught. It was a pretty thing."
"...So you and Peeta were married?"
That had been the first time I'd heard Gale talk about something like this without hatred in his voice. It was more like a tired sort of curiosity.
I nodded, and then cast my gaze out of the window of my hospital room where a wet snow was drifting around in the chilly March air.
Forest shifted a little on my chest, opening his tiny mouth in a yawn before letting out a small, high-pitched grunt. I looked back down at him affectionately and took my hand away from Gale's to stroke down the fuzz of blond hair on my kid's head. When I looked back up at Gale, his face had twisted into some kind of agonized expression.
"I'm going to ask you something, Katniss, and I want you to be honest," Gale said shakily, trying and failing at his attempt at calmness.
Oh dear. Here it comes. I'd braced myself for the question the second I laid eyes on Forest and thought of how much he looked like Peeta. If the child truly was mine and Gale's, his hair would not be the color of sunshine, that much was for sure.
Swallowing nervously, I forced myself to hold Gale's gaze. "…Okay."
"Is the kid mine or Peeta's?"
No escaping now.
Feeling hot tears bud in my eyes, I looked down at Forest and touched his cheek with the tip of my finger. If I told the truth, would that make Gale treat him any different? Treat us any different? Would he hate him? Would he let us go early? I didn't know. I just didn't know.
I told the truth.
"I was…" I swallowed. "…I was a month pregnant when I got captured."
There was a stillness that followed.
I watched as Gale's face twisted up even more. I'd expected hatred—I shrank away a little, bracing for impact—but it was bitter and not quite what I'd imagined. Without warning, he stood up off the chair and just left.
Feeling the tears swell and drop from my eyelashes, I huddled under the covers and held Forest gently to me, feeling his fluttery little heartbeat, and closed my eyes again.
What have I done?
No. What has Gale done. This is in no way my fault. I couldn't act like that. Either way, he was gone, but I knew he'd be back. Though…I had a feeling it would be with less kindness and understanding than before.
Cradling my newborn baby to my chest, I hummed us both back into a restless sleep.
oOo
Okay, NOW I'm done. Yay! How was it? I was afraid the ending was too blah. It probably was. Oh well! Please review, okay? I worked so unbelievable hard, boss-typing like you wouldn't BELIEVE. I stayed up until 3 in the morning, woke up at 10, and typed until 12. If that isn't boss, I don't know what is.
Hehe did you guys notice how Forest was born on March 23rd? That's the day the movie comes out. Yeah, I went there. BOOYA.
So anyways, have an excellent New Years, and I love you all VERY much.
Hugs and kisses,
Lana (aka: thesoggybug)