An Ashley Greenwood Original Herbert The Hobbit!

*Disclaimer I don't own any of these characters, locations, or products except for the glorious Herbert!*

" STDs

Don't want them in me,

But in Sam do they be?,

We will have to see…"

Chapter 14: Were closer than we think!

"Prostitution," I sighed to myself as I thought of Sam having sex on a street corner. Sam was hugging himself in the corner, looking all innocent and exposed, you see his chocolate eyes got big, and for once… I saw innocence in them.

I then approach the Sam, " Sam, do you have an STD?"

"Well you see in that year I had sex over 1,500 times," Sam started out.

"STDs," I sighed to myself, because at this point I'm pretty sure he has an STD.

"Well I got myself tested last week and….. It came up negative I don't have an STD," Sam sighed with a slice of thank goodness.

"What about AIDS do you have AIDS," Herebert ooed with an hint of awww in his voice.

Sim than laughed, " You must've not done well in Health class, AIDS are for girls, and STDs are for guys!" I laughed at that because I indeed got an F in Health class, but you see I used my chestnuts to my advantage and graduated High School anyways, ( see Herbert is not a Gary Su he isn't good in school.)

I then smiled at Sam, "we should leave now and go back with the others," I said as I held out my hand for him to grab.

Sam then smiled and said in a happy manner, "yeah lets, best friend!" At that moment he grabbed my hand, and smiled at me, but then we turned around facing the exit. At the exit we saw… PIPPIN!

"Hey I saw you two getting all intimate in there," Pippin piped in!

We all gasped including Pippin, " Oh please, don't tell anyone," I begged as I knelled.

Pippin than sucked up to me, " Oh fine fine I wont tell anyone about your love affair." That made me happy, because I believe in don't ask don't tell. We all then went back to where everyone else was, "Thy should head out with moi to Mourdor we have work to do," Gandalf the brave said.

We then all headed out towards Mourdor. We were walking through a forest, we turned, left, then we saw the beach!

"Wow," Pippin piped in, " No one is at the beach today!" We then all took off our clothes, and were in our speedos. When I took off my clothes everyone gasped, "Herbert you're so hot you should be a stripper," everyone shouted at the same time! I blushed of course because, I have this humbleness about my body and good looks. We all looked super hot in our tight speedos, Gimly was wearing a speedo with graffiti on it he had a lot of gang tattoos on his body, and Aragon had lots of indie muscles, as if he was in a sexy indie band, his speedo had flames on it.

"Yay I can't wait to have fun in the sun," Aragon and Merry said merrily!

But then at that moment, rumbling came from the ocean, everyone was scared, I wasn't. The ground started to shake, everyone's bodies shook with anticipation! Then an giant old man appeared from the ocean, with a mermaids tail, big muscles, flowing white hair and beard, a crown on his head, and a huge tritan it was…. King Pitchfork and the Clownfish Army!

"You, Hreebert, there have been tales of you under the sea, which is my kingdom, I shall destroy you and all of Middle Earth," King Pitchfork boomed!

"Oh yeah you and what army," Pippin piped in in a sassy manner.

" Me and the Clownfish Army," King Pitchfork screamed, everyone ran except for me and Aragon, Aragon got out his rod!

" You better watch out I'm going to jab you and your entire army with my rod," Aragon yelled heroically! Then a bunch of fish came out of the water and swam fast towards Aragon, with one hit of his rod the entire army died!

King Pitchfork then yelled, "Bubble Blast," than Aragon was put in a bubble, I almost was too but I broke free.

"Now I'm going to kill Aragon and make him drown if you can't save him," King Pitchfork laughed! I paused for about a minute, because Aragon is always mean to my boy Gimly, but then I remembered my mom once told me when I was younger, " In the hands of death everyone deserves to live, I want you to remember that Herbert, It might help you in the future," I finally get it mom meant to tell me that for this moment.

Right as I remembered that my Amulet of Courage started to glow, My shirt flew off and my hair grew longer! The words then came out of my mouth, "Dolce," I shouted a magic spell and King Pitchfork returned to the sea, " Dolce," I asked myself I had no clue what that mean but oh well. Then everyone ran back to the beach to congratulate me on my victory, we all hugged and danced.

Then all of a sudden Gandalf found a bottle that washed up ashore, it had a picture inside, we all looked over Gandalf's shoulder.

"Hey that's an old picture of you holding a little boy," Frodo smiled while pointing at Gandalf. In the picture Gandalf was holding a little boy with It's a boy balloons by his side.

Merry then looked, "Wait a sec that little boy… that little boy is Aragon!"

Stay Tuned for Chapter 15 of Herbert The Hobbit!