A/N: I'm trying to make Anna go through the seven stages of grief, so I figure she's somewhere between stage 3 and 4 which would be anger/bargaining and depression. She and John are on the road to healing, but her mother's departure makes her feel more alone. I didn't have time to write the next chapter last night, but it's not far behind and it will pick up the same night that this chapter ended on. So there will be resolution to the exchange between John and Anna :) . Thanks again to A-Lady-to-Me and Terriejane for helping me out with this fic. Again reviews are greatly appreciate, please enjoy!

Part XIV

John travelled the short length down the stairs and found Helen was already packed and dressed. She had a pot of tea brewing and appeared to be getting breakfast ready. "All ready to go then?" he asked trying to remain upbeat. In truth, John was scared out of his wits. He had promised Helen he could take care of Anna on his own and now he wondered if he should have encouraged Anna to leave with her mother. Heading back to Downton would be a daunting task when she was still grieving, and even harder when her Ladyship was with child. John knew that he hadn't gotten off on the right foot with Helen, but he hoped he had been able to make a better impression on her before she left. Maybe she could take some comfort in that before leaving her only daughter behind.

"I think I've gotten everything I need," she replied with a half-smile. Reading John's eyes, he could see that he was just as uneasy about her leaving Anna as she was. It wasn't John she was worried about now, of that much she was sure. No, her doubts lie with Anna. If Anna wasn't truly open and honest with John about her grief and when things were becoming too much, and if he failed to read the signs; she feared her daughter would be lost to heartache.

"I didn't expect you to be up so early, what with your train leaving at eight," John noted as he looked outside. The sun wasn't even up yet. He chuckled slightly to himself as he remembered one of their first conversations. You could take the girl off the farm, but not the farm out of the girl.

"Habit," she said. Helen set a plate down on the table for him with eggs, sausages, and rolls. "I was hoping to have breakfast with you both, but I suppose Anna still has to be pried out of bed most mornings," she joked. They both laughed softly until she realized that since Anna had lost the baby, she did have to be pried out of bed most mornings.

John didn't want to touch the subject. They both knew what they were all going through, it would do no good to continue talking about things they couldn't change. "Well, I'm sure I'm not much of a substitute for conversation and company, but I'd never turn down a meal. Mrs. Patmore's gruel in the morning is all well and good, but I do yearn for a bit of variety to start my day off," he said.

The two of them shared an easy smile. Helen sat across from John and watched him scarf his food down, but John came to a slow when he noticed she wasn't eating. "John, I...I really must apologize for the way I treated you when I first got here. It was wrong of me. And I shouldn't have thrown that upon Anna to deal with. I feel as if...this is in some way partially my fault."

"Helen, it is no ones fault," John corrected her.

She quickly cut him off, "Please, let me finish. I have to get this off my chest. Even if it isn't, I've come to admire you and respect you in these last couple days and I feel it would be an injustice to keep this from you. I know Anna has too kind of a heart to ever tell you this but…" Helen steadied herself and finally got up the nerve. "The day that Anna lost the baby, I suggested that she should leave you and try to find another man."

"What?"

"I know it upset her terribly. I now see there was no point. Not only because she loved you so fiercely, but because there isn't one. That is there isn't another man I could think of that is more suited for my daughter. Anna went up to her room crying after our argument and she lost the baby shortly after." Helen fidgeted with the hem of the tablecloth as she watched his face transition through a range of emotions.

The fork that looked so small in his large hands shook noticeably and John's jaw locked in place as he processed her words. He swallowed the food that he had already been chewing on and set the fork down. John dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a napkin before he scooted his chair back. His eyes rose towards the ceiling, as if he could somehow see through walls to check on whether or not Anna had awoken yet. "Now I see," he replied in a soft voice. "It all makes sense now why she pushed you away after it happened. Why she remained so distant. Why Mrs. Hughes was allowed in the room but not you," John said in a voice that was laced with contempt.

"John, I'd take it back if I could. You know me now. You know I did it out of love for Anna," she pleaded. "I wouldn't dream of taking her away from you now."

John could tell her words were genuine and his heart sank a little at the thought that Anna could have left him twice now. But she didn't. She was just as faithful and loyal to him as the day they had met. If he had gotten upset at Helen in that moment, he knew Anna would not have begrudged him for doing so. He had every right to. But he also knew that there were a lot of things Anna had overlooked on his part out of love for him. He owed it to her to do the same. John thought he heard stirrings coming from upstairs and lowered his voice more, "I know you wouldn't. We cannot go back and change things. I will forgive this because I know it will make Anna happy."

"Thank you for that," she said. They stared blankly at one another after that, unsure of how to move forward.

"I should be heading off now," John said as he headed for the door to grab his coat and bowler hat.

"John, I have to ask you a favor," Helen said her voice trailing off. She wondered if this was asking too much after her revelation.

John nodded in approval for her to continue as he readjusted his tie and huffed his jacket over his shoulders.

"Will you write to me?" Helen asked. She could see the confusion that had settled itself on his face. "To let me know how Anna is," Helen clarified.

John felt somewhat uncomfortable with this request, as if he were betraying a trust between he and Anna. They had had enough secrets in their past, mostly on his part; he wouldn't allow another one to bury them. Not when everything was so fragile between them at the moment. "Can't you just write her yourself?" he asked, attempting not to sound rude.

"You should know better than I that Anna has always been one to minimize things. I worry that if I write or call that she'll make light of things or ignore me all together. She'll think I'm meddling. You can't blame a mother for wanting to make sure things are alright after going through something like this," Helen tried to reason with him.

"No, I suppose not," he answered back. John bit down on his bottom lip as he considered the implications of what was to come if Anna ever got wind of this agreement he had made in secret. But staring at the older woman suddenly reminded him of his own mother and he sympathized with her. Nearly ten years before, when John had found out that Anna had gone to his own mother to clear his name without his knowledge he had been upset at first. But he could never find fault with her for acting out of love. Not when she was trying to protect him. And now John had to do the same. "Very well. I will write to you. Anna must never know of this though, at least not right now. I'll tell her in my own time. When I feel she has had enough time to heal," he reluctantly agreed.

"I appreciate that, John. I really do hope she is able to make peace with all of this soon and that one day your house is filled with little ones. I hope that I'm wrong and that Anna is able to heal in her own home," Helen said as her voice wavered with emotion.

"I'll take good care of her. I promise," John said as he began to open the door. "Safe travels on your way back to the farm." John stretched his hand out to shake hers and she willingly took it.

Anna and her mother waited anxiously on the platform of the train station for her mother to depart. Anna was feeling a culmination of emotions and gripped the handle of her bag more tightly than usual. She thought she might break the handle off and was reminded of how John had already fixed the bag once before, after he was released from prison. It felt like there was something more that should be said between them. Some unspoken phrase that might give them both peace of mind that they would see one another again and that things would be better the next time around. Helen wasn't even gone yet and Anna was already feeling her absence. Anna hadn't realized how much she truly missed her mother's presence until this trip. They weren't getting any younger and what if this was the last time she saw her mother in person? Anna normally wouldn't have allowed her mind to drift to such dark thoughts, but then again she had always thought she'd get a chance to see her brother again. That was not to be.

The sound of the train whistle blew in the distance as it approached the station. The piercing wail of noise cut through the air like a knife and jostled Anna from her thoughts.

"That's me," her mother said.

"I wish the visit could have been under different circumstances," Anna said with a heavy sigh.

Helen set her bag down on the platform beside her feet. She stepped towards Anna, but left a small gap between them. Helen rubbed Anna's arm soothingly, "It wasn't in your control, Anna. You are not to blame."

Anna's strong exterior began to crumble in response to her mother's words. She tried to focus on the sound of wheels rolling on the train track. It was a reminder that time was still moving, she had to keep moving. They all did. "Mother...I…" Anna began to speak but Helen stopped her when she threw her arms around her and hugged Anna as hard as her daughter would allow.

"I'm so glad I got a chance to see you. To see the woman you've become and the life you are living. I'm glad I finally got the chance to meet, John. I can see now what you see in him and it does my heart proud," she whispered into Anna's hair. Helen could feel Anna's resolve crumbling, but this was something she had to say. "You looked so happy when I first got here," Helen said, but immediately regretted her words. She knew that Anna's life would now be separated into compartments of 'before' and 'after'. "I have never seen you so happy. I know you will be happy again. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but one day my darling you will have the baby you've always dreamed of."

"And what if I don't," Anna finally gave voice to her greatest fear.

"Then you have that wonderful husband of yours to keep you company. You could do a lot worse," her mother assured her. "Whatever you do, don't shut him out, Anna. He loves you with his whole heart."

Anna chewed her lip for a moment, wanting to hold onto her mother for as long as she could. She felt like a little girl all over again. The day she had been sent to Downton very real in her mind, like it just happened yesterday. "Don't leave, Mama," Anna said softly.

"I have to my darling. But I am always here for you. Never forget that," Helen instructed. She could feel Anna's head nodding in agreement against her shoulder. Tears were streaming down both of their cheeks now. "You be sure to come visit when you can...with John," her mother reminded as the train docked in the station.

"I will," Anna uttered. "I love you."

Helen pulled back and cupped her daughter's cheeks. "I love you too, sweetheart. You take care of yourself and be sure to write me. Promise me that."

"I promise," Anna replied.

They said their goodbyes and eventually Anna began her long trudge back to the Abbey. But she had to stop somewhere first.

John sat in the servants hall having his morning tea after having just gotten his Lordship ready for a day of riding. His eyes were glued to his pocket watch as he checked the time for what seemed like the millionth time that morning. It was going on nine o'clock. Anna should have made it back from the station by now. Maybe it was all too much for her and she had changed her mind about returning to work. But it was unlike Anna not to tell him so he could pass along the message or at the very least to call Mrs. Hughes or Mr. Carson and inform them of her intended absence. His brow creased with worry and he began to rise from his chair to work on some mending for his Lordship when he heard the all too familiar sound of the back door open. John's ears perked up and his eyes lit up as he eagerly awaited her arrival. His heart stopped beating as he waited for her lovely face to grace the servants hall once more. Her steps were soft, but he had already caught a hint of her perfume as it lingered down the hallway.

Anna made her way into the servants hall, hoping that they didn't make too much of a fuss over her return. Her eyes were positioned down towards her feet and she fumbled with her hands.

"Anna, welcome back my dear girl," Mrs. Hughes said as she ran into the Lady's maid in the hallway.

"It's good to be back," she replied. It was a lie. Anna dreaded the questions that surely awaited her and the eyes filled with pity. Anna doubted she would hear much talk of it in the servants hall, as such a topic was often quickly dismissed by Mr. Carson. But it was inevitable and she did the best she could to prepare herself. Her emotions were running high; the loss of her baby had only been made harder by the departure of her mother that morning. She nearly burst into tears as the train had slowly moved out of sight, knowing that a visit that had been filled with such trepidation over their pending announcement had been replaced with sorrow.

Mrs. Hughes was not ignorant. She had known Anna since she was a scrawny little thing; no bigger than Daisy. Anna's eyes were puffy and void of emotion, her cheeks stained by fresh tears, her skin more pale than usual, and her figure was slight from not eating enough. She'd give her this much, Anna put up a brave front. Mrs. Hughes was not sure she would be able to do the same under such circumstances. "Would you like to come into my office and have a chat?" the older woman offered sympathetically.

"I really should be heading upstairs to see to Lady Mary. I didn't expect my mother's train to be running late and I am sure I have plenty to catch up on," Anna said quickly. It sounded a little too rehearsed. She hoped Mrs. Hughes hadn't noticed. Anna turned around on her feet as fast as she could without bursting into a sprint and headed up the stairs.

John sighed in defeat, having heard the entire conversation from the servants hall. His wife hadn't even stopped to make eye contact with him. Today would be a tough one and he hoped that she would lean on him if she felt the need to. He would seek her out once he knew she had tended to Lady Mary.

Anna worked in silence as she finished styling Lady Mary's hair. She set the last of her bobby pins in place and pinched the clasp shut on the necklace Lady Mary was wearing before taking a step back and grabbing the laundry from the floor. Anna could barely stand to look at her reflection in the mirror, let alone directly. The happiness that was so evident upon her Ladyship's face was undeniable. Even when Lady Mary wasn't smiling about her pregnancy the glow about her was too radiant to be disputed. Anna had never been an envious person or even a bitter one, but even she could identify these characteristics in herself at that moment. Her employer already had so much, the world handed to her on a silver spoon, and here she was getting something else that she wanted. It was supposed to be her turn to be happy and yet even attempting to pretend to be happy was utterly exhausting.

"Anna, are you alright?" Mary asked.

"Yes, M'lady," Anna answered quickly.

"You look unwell, perhaps you returned too soon?" Mary asked more as a friend than an employer.

"I'll be fine, M'lady."

"You'll be sure to let me know if it's too much for you. I can have Mrs. Hughes lighten your load until you are ready to return to your normal duties," Mary offered.

"That won't be necessary, M'lady," Anna said as she swallowed her sorrow.

Never one for skirting around the subject, Lady Mary spoke again. "But the doctor said you could try again eventually?"

"He seemed hopeful," Anna tried to keep a brave face on. "I just…," Anna faltered in her words as she tried to focus on folding a blanket that had been left unattended on the bed. "I don't know that I would be willing to. To try again that is," Anna corrected herself. "I don't think we could survive another heartache," she confessed to Lady Mary with tears in her eyes.

"Oh Anna," Lady Mary cooed as she began to rise to comfort her friend.

"I'm sorry, M'lady. I shouldn't be bothering you with my troubles," Anna said as she walked out of the room.

As Anna headed down the corridor she saw John exiting Lord Grantham's room but turned a corner before he could catch her. She swore she heard him call her name and hid in one of the linen closets. It wasn't that she didn't want her husband. On the contrary. She needed John like she needed air. But Anna also knew if she had to listen to him attempt to comfort her right now, she would wilt in his arms. She wouldn't find the strength to compose herself and make it through the rest of the night. As it was she had already avoided him all day, along with everyone else that showed her any form of attention or sympathy.

The door opened and she thought it would be John, her eyes flew open wide and she quickly wiped her tears away.

"Anna?" a kind voice asked.

It was a familiar voice and it certainly sounded genuine, but the person on the other end of that voice came as a shock. "Thomas?" she countered his question with one of her own.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Thomas immediately realized the stupidity of his question. "Should I get Mr. Bates?" he asked with genuine concern.

"No," she brushed off.

Thomas looked confused and surprised.

"Can you get me out of here without anyone seeing? I need some air," she said feeling like someone was suffocating her.

"Of course," he replied with a nod of the head. He guided her by the elbow and kept a look out as they rounded each corner and descended the stairs until they reached the courtyard.

"Better?" Thomas asked. He took off his jacket and placed it around her shoulders to shield her from the cold outside. It was a particularly freezing day, even for spring in England. He was certain no one would be coming out here unless they were specifically looking for him. And no one usually came to look for Thomas.

Anna nodded her head in agreement as Thomas leaned forward to remove a pack of cigarettes from the jacket pocket. She watched as he took a long drag off one of the cigarettes and pushed a loose, black hair back in place.

"Here, take a swig of this, it will warm you up," Thomas suggested as he pulled out a flask from another pocket.

She hesitated for a moment and looked around before taking a long swig of it. Her face scrunched up and her eyes winced shut as the strong taste of the liquor coursed through her veins. Anna tried to hand it back to him, but he waved it off encouraging her to drink more. "Thomas, why are you helping me?"

He blew some more smoke out in the opposite direction of Anna. "It's not against the law to help," he pointed out with a smirk.

"No. But I know you don't care for Mr. Bates," she commented.

"Doesn't mean I don't care about you," he replied as he let out a puff of smoke.

For the first time that day she smiled. It wasn't a large one. Her teeth weren't exposed and it didn't quite reach her eyes, but she felt a hint of a weight lift off her shoulders. "Honestly, though? You couldn't say one sympathetic thing about Lady Cora when she lost her baby," Anna reminded him

"Their lot is different. Our lot has enough troubles to contend with," he said.

It was the first thing that Thomas had said in a long time that Anna agreed with wholeheartedly. She knew that the Crawleys had their human moments, when the laws of society didn't keep them separate. But it didn't change how she felt about Lady Mary right now.

"You've always been kind to me, Anna. We may have our disagreements, but you've always been kind," he remarked. Thomas stubbed out his cigarette against the wall and stared down at the Lady's maid whom he had known more than half of his life. "I suppose it was because I saw the way everyone was looking at you. I know what it's like to have that glare upon you, even when it's not malicious. The way a room goes silent when you walk in, like everyone was just talking about you. The way they start to come up with their own answers as you refuse to address their questions." He saw understanding in Anna's eyes but not pity. Never pity from Anna. "I can tell you one thing, you won't hear me talking about you. And I'll put an end to anyone I catch talking about it," he assured. "I am sorry for your loss. Truly."

"Thomas? Have you seen...oh," John's voice was cut short as he saw Anna sat on top of a crate in the courtyard. Thomas's jacket seemed to cloak her in darkness and he could see the flask that still sat in her hands. "Anna? I've been looking all over for you," he said worriedly. "What are you doing out here?"

"I just needed a moment to myself," she said unable to meet his eyes. It wasn't a lie. It didn't change the fact that she knew it was wrong to avoid her husband.

"With Thomas?" John asked in confusion. He seemed mildly hurt that his wife had confided in the under butler for help and had forgone the help of her husband.

"I just needed to escape the stares and the questions," she said.

"I'll give you two a moment alone," Thomas excused himself.

"Your jacket," Anna reminded him.

"Keep it, I'll fetch another one in the livery cupboard," Thomas said.

"She can take mine," John said a little too firmly for Anna's liking. He removed Thomas's jacket from her shoulders and curtly passed it back to Thomas.

Once the under butler was out of sight Anna let out an aggravated huff towards him. "That seemed highly unnecessary," she scolded.

"What? It's only Thomas," John wrote it off. It wasn't as if Thomas had ever said a kind word towards him.

"He was only helping me. Not everything is about a vendetta against you," Anna said as she shrugged off the jacket and gave it back to John. Without another word she eased herself off the crates and ran back inside, leaving John in the lurch.