Chapter 14 - Scars

Loki found himself pacing around the bedroom. He hadn't expected to reveal quite so much to Thor, wasn't sure if he was glad he'd been able to, or worried it would be taken not as it was meant and he and Tony would both end up in trouble. He almost wanted to go back, find Thor and explain further, but the idea was preposterous; without an apology from Thor for his harsh accusations he would be going nowhere. He stopped pacing abruptly, dropping onto the bed, covering his face with his hands. As if he were here on earth out of cruel amusement. He glanced towards the mirror and watched armour shimmer back to clothes, and reached carefully for the buttons, undoing them one by one. He closed his eyes, not watching the next shimmer as his skin appeared no longer smooth, but lined with scars as if his skin were weaved by them. He leaned back and fell back onto the bed, closing his eyes, the memories of his capture flowing back over him; the pain, the loneliness, the anger, but worst of all the knowledge that it would never stop. He remembered when he'd escaped – how he'd had to force himself to move through the unbearable agony his keeper had left him in, all of it a blur, his magic betraying him and not coming to his aid, his silver-tongue unable to form even the simplest of words when he wanted to call for help, or scare away the cries of other prisoners that tried to warn his keeper he was escaping. He didn't remember escaping so much as waking after what felt to be many days, somewhere else. Somewhere he was alone, and his wounds had started to heal – the pain his keeper had imparted fading to a bearable level. He remembered the feeling of his bones finally being able to mend properly, his skin no longer feeling like rags on his shattered bones, his muscles no longer torn, cut through, or melted away. Finally being able to move as one should move, and yet he'd stayed in that empty place for years, as it took his body that long to return to some relative state of capable.

Gentle hands were suddenly on his skin, moving from the bottom of his ribs to his shoulders, tracing scars and the memories of only a small fraction of the pain from those many decades. His eyes flew open to see Tony, a new sort of pain on Tony's face, and Loki felt the shimmering cover his body again, hiding the scars again, his skin once again appearing and feeling smooth. He moved to sit up, to pull his shirt closed again feeling suddenly far to vulnerable, but Tony pushed him back onto the bed, pulling the shirt back open again.

"Scars or not, you're still perfect." Tony's voice was rough with emotion, and Loki closed his eyes again.

"You weren't supposed to see those. Ever." but he didn't move, and Tony didn't remove his hands, still tracing where he knew the many scars had been from memory, as he'd been standing in the doorway for minutes before he'd been unable to resist approaching.

"I'm glad I did."

Loki looked back up at Tony, gaze wary.

"Why?"

Tony leaned down, taking a step both of them had been dancing around for weeks. He brushed his lips along where he remembered the scars to have been, and when Loki shivered, and reached up to stop him, he just gently wrapped his hands around Loki's wrists, pressing his hands against the mattress, moving his lips up, tracing along Loki's throat, then jaw, then to his lips.

"Because I love you, and loving you means loving every part of you. Even the dark secrets you don't want me to know."

Loki's hands flexed under Tony's, resisting, but he returned Tony's kiss, though hesitantly.

"I didn't want you to see that weakness," Loki admitted, and Tony just kissed him again, this time sinking deeper into it. Loki sighed against his lips and Tony took that as permission to take it farther, releasing his wrists to run his hands along his arms, reaching the opened shirt and pushing it from his shoulders. There was only an instance of hesitation before Loki allowed Tony to continue, and Tony settled his knees on either side of Loki's hips, running his hands along his shoulders and across his chest.

"Scars or not, you're beautiful." Tony repeated, and this time Loki seemed to be embarrassed, a pink flush appearing under pale skin. "Especially when you're flustered." he kissed him again before Loki could respond, and Loki suddenly reached up, hands curling in the front of Tony's shirt, keeping him in place, kisses no longer hesitant. Tony cupped a hand around Loki's cheek, being as gentle as he could, his own memory of Loki's scars a painful reminder of the many things he didn't know. He kissed Loki until his eyes fluttered closed again, and then continued kissing him before moving a kiss to his shoulder. He felt Loki tense again, his hands releasing Tony's shirt only to grip it again, and then release it just to press his hands against the sides of Tony's waist.

"Tony, I-" his words were cut off as Tony kissed him again, and when his fingers caught on the edge Tony's shirt, Tony leaned back, pulling it over his head, revealing the glowing metal circle that represented his life. Loki ran the tips of his fingers along the edge of the circle, and the faint scars around them.

"How – how much do you remember?"

"Not enough, and yet to much."

There was a pause where Loki's touch was the only contact between them, until Tony reached up to cover his hands.

"Do you remember it?"

Loki went rigid and then nearly limp.

"Every moment."

Tony lifted Loki's hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to each palm, feeling Loki shiver, then releasing his hands so he could lean back down again, pressing another kiss to Loki's lips.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured, and Loki didn't respond, instead sitting up and shifting away.

"Tony, I can't – I can't talk about this. Not now, perhaps not ever." He hung his head, his forehead hitting Tony's chest, hands resting in his lap.

"We don't have to talk about it." Tony said, though he left out the yet, tilting Loki's face back up towards him, kissing him again, but not as gently as before. Need he'd kept well leashed until now came rushing forward, and again he pushed Loki down, hands roaming over his skin, and feeling Loki's hesitant touch. He felt Loki's hands splay over his ribs, and his own hands gripped Loki's shoulders, one hand sliding to cup the back of his neck, his kisses growing more and more needy. Loki gave a low hum of pleasure, the sound ringing through Tony's head, like a shockwave through his body. He leaned back a fraction, breathing already heavier than it should be, but he couldn't stop himself from sliding his hands down Loki's side, hands catching on the top of his pants even as he kissed him again, and Loki's hands travelled up his chest to trace along his collar, then up to his cheeks, hands cupping his cheeks. With careful fingers, he undid the buttons on Loki's pants, sliding just the edges of his fingers under the edge of the material. Loki's eyes focused suddenly on his, and there was a sudden tenseness, but Tony didn't slow, kissing Loki again, insuring he relaxed, all over again. As Loki relaxed again, Tony shifted, staring down at his partner and the smooth pale skin he'd only recently seen completely marred by scars. He pressed a kiss to where he'd seen one of the largest collections of scars, right above where his heart was, but the rest of him had appeared nearly equally as damaged. He pressed another kiss next to that spot, then another, pressing a whole line of kisses across Loki's chest, while his hands slid the waistband from his hips. Loki's hands banded around Tony's biceps, head tilting back as Tony pressed his lips to the side of Loki's neck, his hand sliding along Loki's hips, taking him in his hand. Loki sucked in a breath, every nerve becoming suddenly acutely aware of absolutely everything about Tony.

"Tony," his name was said in almost a moan and Tony shuddered at the sound, being as gentle as his need would allow. Loki arched against Tony, his own hands creeping down until they hit the edge of Tony's pants.

"No," Tony murmured, pushing Loki's hands away, his own groan mingling with the sound Loki made when his hands fisted in the sheets. Tony kissed Loki again, this time gentling it again, though only to prolong the moment. He felt Loki's body go rigid beneath him with release. Then Loki reached up to wrap his arms around Tony, pulling him down beside him.

"You – I – Tony –" Tony cut him off with another kiss, this time a grin tugging at his features.

"You have no idea how," he paused, searching for the right word, "exciting, watching you is."

Again Loki seemed to flush, turning his face towards Tony.

"I love you," then as if he seemed to realize the poorly timed words, he flushed again. "for the fact that despite the horrible things I've done, you still see me as worth," he shrugged, "well anything really."

Tony rested his cheek against Loki's forehead, saddened that Loki still didn't see himself of worth even the remotest of love. He listened to Loki's breathing slow, but doesn't move, staying right where he was, his arms caught around the other.

"I love you too, you stupid god."