Chapter 14: Wherin the few things that haven't already gone wrong… go wrong.
Moments like this, Jushiro Ukitake thought, Are what make life worth living.
Relaxing in his moderately sized but quite comfortable home, sipping a cup of his favorite tea and reclining in his favorite chair, Ukitake really couldn't have been happier. Perhaps after he finished his drink, he would fix himself a second dinner… his condition left him with a fairly considerable appetite, which most people didn't guess given how slender he was. Or maybe he would pick a book out of the library and spend a few hours quietly reading… at his age, he'd read nearly everything ever written, but it was never unpleasant to revisit an old favorite. Or maybe he would simply turn in early and get some much-deserved rest. Whatever he chose, he deeply enjoyed the serenity of simply relaxing in his home, particularly given how rarely he got to do so.
And particularly given how very, very often such quiet moments were interrupted.
"WE'RE SO SORRY, SIR!" Kiyone and Sentaro screamed, bursting into his room.
Ukitake sighed, and fought down the urge to force them to fight to the death for his amusement. "What exactly are we sorry about this time?"
"If we'd only known, we would have joined!" Kiyone said.
"… what?" Ukitake asked in confusion.
"I mean, we already practically worship you, we might as well go to the logical conclusion!" Sentaro proclaimed.
"… eh?" Ukitake asked in confusion.
"And we completely agree that Soul Society would be better with you in charge!" Kiyone declared proudly.
"… huh?" Ukitake asked in confusion.
"We're with you sir, no matter how horrible the war you've started becomes!" the two stated proudly in unison.
"WAR? WHAT WAR?" Ukitake roared.
"Um… the civil war. The one to overthrow Captain-Commander Yamamoto and install you as the new head of the Shinigami." Kiyone said.
"Yeah, you know. The war you started." Sentaro said.
"But… but I didn't! Why the Hell would I? Sir Yamamoto is like a father to me, I don't want to overthrow him! I have nothing to do with this!"
"… you're sure?"
"YES!"
"Oh. Well… huh." Kiyone said thoughtfully. "This could be a problem."
"Well, obviously! We need to hunt down these people and get them to stop blaming me for their treason!" Ukitake snapped impatiently.
"Well, there's that. And there's… uh, how we found out about it." Sentaro said sheepishly.
"… how?" Ukitake asked, a palpable sense of dread filling his entire being.
"Well, YOU may think you have nothing to do with this, but let's just say that some others don't think you're quite so innocent…" Kiyone said delicately. "And when she showed up at HQ saying she was there to arrest you, we slammed the door in her face and ran all the way to your house to join your rebellion, but you don't HAVE one… well, I'm gonna have to think that probably didn't make you OR us look very good, did it?"
"… … … 'she'? Which… oh. Oh, FU-" Ukitake began as he pieced together the problem.
About then, two dozen ninja smashed into his study through the walls and ceiling and tackled him. In short order, he found himself with the point of a familiar Zanpakuto at his jugular.
"Captain Soi Fon!" He said with forced joviality. "How nice to see you again! It's been too long! How can I help you this fine evening?"
Soi Fon smiled chillingly. "Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something. If nothing else, executing traitors always puts me in a good mood,"
"… she has good moods?" Kiyone muttered under her breath.
"Kiyone, you are NOT helping matters." Ukitake growled as the point of Soi Fon's sword dug into his neck.
"Ha, he's right! I'm much better at getting arrested for treason than you are!" Sentaro said cheerfully.
"Oh, it is ON. I am going to get arrested for treason so hard that my SISTER will get arrested for treason!" Kiyone said. "... Actually, her Captain is part of the rebellion, so... she actually might."
Ukitake cast a pleading gaze at Soi Fon. "Please, tell me you brought gags?"
"Um… Mr. Toshiro?" Orihime asked hesitantly.
"Yes?" Hitsugaya asked, taking a step backwards as he spoke so he wouldn't get run over by the fleeing Byakuya, who had ducked back through this section of the house, his sister hot on his tail.
"I realize that Soul Society is sort of an odd place, but I couldn't help but notice that the last time I was here, even with all the fighting, none of the buildings ever really caught on fire."
"That's true. Soul Society… well, there are varied reasons why, but it's a very hard place to burn. It's difficult to create and maintain a fire of enough strength to actually consume an entire building unless you're willing to expend a tremendous amount of reiatsu… or you're a complete, total incompetent." He said, with a significant glance at the bag Yachiru was entombed in.
"Ah. Well, it seemed quite odd to me at the time." Orihime said.
"I suppose it would… most substances in the material world are much more flammable, and that was the limit of your experience at the time. Why do you bring this up now?"
"Well, I just couldn't help but notice that a pretty big portion of the Soul Society seems to be on fire. And that really didn't square with my previous memories of the place, so I thought it was worth bringing up."
"Ah. Well, that is odd. You were right to bring it up." Hitsugaya said calmly. Then his eyes widened. "Wait, what?" he said, rushing to the window. "HOLY CRAP!" He shouted upon seeing the glow of fires and huge clouds of smoke and embers rising from a section of the Seireitei. "My God, what's going on out there! Why hasn't the general alert been sounded?"
Meanwhile, at Shinigami central command…
"Are you SURE we shouldn't sound the general alert?" One of the two junior Shinigami asked.
"Dude, do you never listen? The last time anyone sounded THAT thing, three captains defected to join the Hollows, half the Gotei 13 got their asses kicked by a bunch of freakin' grade-schoolers, and our entire government got murdered by Captain Aizen! No, we are NOT sounding this alarm. It certainly can't be any worse than what happens when we sound it!" his partner said firmly.
"But how will the others mount any sort of coordinated response to the threat if they don't have an alarm to let them know, en masse, that something is wrong?"
"My God, have you never opened your eyes? We're Shinigami! Every time we coordinate we get crushed anyway! If we want to win, we need to restrict it to only Captains, Vice-Captains, and a few guys from Squad 11 having one-on-one battles! An organized response will only lead to disaster... just like the last time this cursed, evil alarm was sounded! Damn you, alarm, you'll not drink more Shinigami blood on my watch!"
"… Look, I know that whole situation was really traumatic for a lot of people, but even though the alarm WAS sounded, I really don't think you can blame the alarm for the crisis. It's just a piece of wood we hit with a stick. I doubt it was an active participant in the Aizen Conspiracy."
"We can't take that chance!"
Back at Kuchiki manor…
"Well, it doesn't matter at this point. Lady Orihime, I hate to impose on you, but I have to go deal with this situation, and I could really use your medical abilities." Hitsugaya said coolly, shifting into 'crisis-mode'. Byakuya dashed through, a bolt of blue flame nearly missing his head. "Of course, your powers will probably be useful HERE, too, but only to one guy. We need to think of the big picture."
"You have a point." Orihime agreed. "Well, let's go, then! Where's the source of the fire?"
"Well, it's hard to be certain, but it LOOKS like it's coming from the fifteenth Seireitei district. It's where most of the best restaurants and… bars… are…" Hitsugaya said, his voice trailing off. "… … … … oh, Hell." He said, when he could remember how to speak again. For what seemed to him like the billionth time that week, Hitsugaya rubbed his temples in a futile effort to fight off the ever-growing migraine. "Please, please, PLEASE let it be a coincidence that a massive disaster is currently befalling the one area of the Seireitei that is renowned for the quality of its alcohol, the one place in all the Soul Society that has more bars than it does houses… in essence, Matsumoto's favorite place. Please, God, Buddha, Zeus, whoever's listening… I know it's futile, but PLEASE, LET IT BE A COINCIDENCE."
"… … it probably isn't a coincidence, Mr. Toshiro." Orihime said gently.
"I know," Hitsugaya said sadly. "But sometimes, I like to have my little dreams. But I guess the whole 'massive disaster unfolding right now' trumps my desires for happiness, huh? Let's get going, Lady Orihime, we've got a Soul Society to defend." Hitsugaya said firmly, picking up Orihime so he could carry her there at high-speeds. The two heroes dashed off into the night, prepared to give their lives for the greater good.
Five minutes later…
"ULF!" Hitsugaya grunted as he and Orihime were thrown into the dank, dingy prison cell next to Ukitake. Soi Fon smiled in satisfaction at a job well done.
"She got you too, huh?" Ukitake said in a long-suffering tone.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT?" Hitsugaya screamed at his jailer.
"Oh, don't play so innocent, Ex-Captain. Did you think I wouldn't notice that your own Vice-Captain is the one leading the revolutionary army!" Soi Fon asked grimly. "As soon as her identity was confirmed, we sent a strike team to hunt you down and capture you!"
"And you certainly got him!" Orihime said. "Congratulations!"
"Statistically speaking, I suppose the Stealth Forces had to catch SOMEONE they were looking for eventually. And she managed to catch me too… she's surprisingly on the ball, today." Ukitake said.
"Look, Soi Fon…" Hitsugaya began.
"You will refer to me as 'Captain' or you will die, traitor!" Soi Fon snapped.
"… Captain, you have to believe that I have nothing to do with this!" Hitsugaya said desperately.
"And is that why we found Vice-Captain Kusajishi imprisoned in the house where you were last seen before your capture?" Soi Fon asked sharply. "The poor child was stuffed into a bag! Thank God we were able to free her before you did something truly horrible!"
"Aw, dammit, you let her out? Do you know how hard it was to get her in there? Byakuya was almost killed! Well, not BY the act of putting her in the bag, but he almost died in a nearby time-frame."
"Ah, so you admit to treason!"
"…No, I admit to stuffing Yachiru in a sack. There's a difference." Hitsugaya said calmly.
Soi Fon appeared not to hear him. "Already, the picture becomes clear to me! You and your lovers, Matsumoto, Ukitake, and Zaraki-"
"Me and my WHAT?" Hitsugaya shouted in shock and disbelief.
"Oh, come now Ex-Captain, you think we don't know your reputation? You don't have the title Hitsu-playa for nothing! The men and women you've seduced with your sexual wiles number in the dozens! Don't expect them to work on ME, though, not with thoughts of Lady Yoruichi to keep my soul pure!" Soi Fon said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"… … … I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, MUCH LESS DOZENS OF THEM!"
"Tell that to your hundreds of lovers, I'm certain they'll find your mock humility very amusing. But whatever lies you spout, it doesn't change the fact that you and three of your many, many lovers conspired to overthrow the Seireitei, putting Ukitake in charge because he's the most senior Captain and could thus ensure the smoothest transition of power… all so you could give Soul Society over to your friends… and possibly also your lovers… the RYOKA!" Soi Fon said dramatically, pointing at Orihime. "Yes, it was the perfect plan. They get their revenge on Soul Society for the entirely just and legitimate attempt to execute Rukia Kuchiki…"
"Um… actually, we sort of proved that was all a setup… you remember? Treachery, three Captains defected, world in peril, etc., etc.?" Ukitake said.
Soi Fon continued as though he hadn't spoken. "And in return, you get to claim dominance over whatever's left when the vicious Ryoka have completed their vengeance. And even worse, when poor little Yachiru tried to stop you, you imprisoned her unjustly and planted her in Lord Kuchiki's manor to frame him!"
"What the- have you been in his basement? He's got an entire anti-Yachiru command center! Ninety percent of what we did was his idea!" Hitsugaya protested.
"Now, why would I accept your word, when you've already admitted to planting other evidence?" Soi Fon asked sarcastically.
"I DIDN'T ADMIT TO ANYTHING! YOU'RE JUST SAYING I DID!" Hitsugaya protested.
"Sure, you didn't admit to anything...just like you didn't try to overthrow Soul Society." Soi Fon said, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Stay here and rot, traitors. I'll be back later to pronounce your sentences."
"Don't we get a trial?" Orihime asked.
Soi Fon smirked. "Martial law is a beautiful thing." She said, and left.
"… you know how I said she was surprisingly on the ball, a second ago?" Ukitake chimed in.
"Yes?"
"The moment's passed," He sighed. "Although, I will say, I appreciate her putting Sentaro and Kiyone in a separate building. I don't think I could have taken it if they started competing over who was better at being in jail..."
"WAY TO GO, MEN!" Matsumoto howled. "That'll teach THEM that they should have donated their liquor willingly to our glorious revolution! Viva la resistance!"
Unohana giggled. "Jushiro is just going to LOVE this. He'll be so happy!" Now, to be fair to poor Retsu, she really had no way of knowing that Ukitake had just recently been arrested, thrown into a prison, and was currently awaiting likely execution at the hands of a crazed ninja woman; but then even if she HAD, she was probably too tipsy at this point to recognize that it wasn't a good thing. "Yessir, and then we'll see some :HIC: real changes. Yes… yes we…" Unohana trailed off, her face turning green. She ran off to find some bushes to throw up in.
Zaraki, on the other hand, had no such problem.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed maniacally. "BURN, SMASH, DESTROY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, COME AND TRY TO STOP ME, WEAKLINGS! COME ON, IF EVERY SINGLE CAPTAIN COMES AGAINST ME AT ONCE, MAYBE ONE OF 'EM WILL GET A HIT IN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"... You know, he's really not that different drunk from sober. Oh well, at least he's happy." Matsumoto observed cheerfully. "There's nothing like a good old fashioned war to really bring out the best in people! … Wait, that's right, we're starting a war!" She said, slapping herself in the forehead in embarrassment that she'd forgotten. Firmly, she decided that after she finished overthrowing Soul Society, she'd stop drinking for a few hours. Or maybe one hour. Or maybe not at all. But for now, it was time to get the ball rolling again.
"Okay, troops, gather round!" Matsumoto declared. "Now that we've raided all the bars we hadn't already hit, we've got enough supplies to launch a full-scale assault on the Central Command! Now, we have three squads, and they have ten, so we're outnumbered… by… um… well… let me think. Does anybody know how many Shinigami are in a squad?"
"Two?" someone shouted.
"No, that's just the number of Shinigami in a squad who aren't nameless cannon-fodder. We want to know how many total."
"… … three?" Someone shouted.
"Hmmmm… okay, that sounds about right. So add up all theirs, and subtract all of ours, carry the five… … we're outnumbered by some!" She said finally. "But I think we can accomplish this! And you know why? Because I've totally got a good feeling about this!"
"HOORAY!" The crowd shouted in response.
Well, it's better to have a good feeling than to not have one, right?
"Any last words?" Rukia growled at her cornered brother.
Byakuya stood firm and looked death in the eye. He was afraid, yes, but as the noble head of the Kuchiki family, it was important that he maintain his dignity, even when fleeing in terror from his little sister. It was hard to do, but he felt he'd accomplished it as much as it was possible to do so. "Rukia, I don't understand why you're so upset. An arranged marriage is nothing shameful." He said, trying to reason his way out now that Rukia had finally given him enough time to talk.
"Oooooh, you're getting married?" Yachiru said in wonder. "Congratulations, Ruki-ruki!" Unfortunately, some ninjas had dropped by the house and let her out of her bag for some reason. Apparently deciding Byakuya's flight for his life was some sort of game, she had begun following the siblings in their chase throughout the manor.
"It wasn't the marriage, you idiot, it's how you TOLD me about the marriage!" Rukia snapped, ignoring Yachiru to the degree it was possible TO ignore Yachiru. Producing the slightly singed butterfly that had delivered the missive, she said, "Go on, repeat what he told you to say to me!"
The butterfly said:
"Dear Rukia-
How are you? I'm fine. By the way, I'm marrying you off to secure an advantageous alliance, the wedding will be this weekend. I haven't decided who you'll be marrying, though. See you there.
Love,
Byakuya Kuchiki,
Kuchiki Family Patriarch."
Silence reigned.
Even Yachiru winced.
"I fail to see the problem." Byakuya said calmly.
"Oh, COME ON!" Rukia said exasperatedly. "You think you can just marry me off because it's convenient for you, and you didn't even bother to work out who you're marrying me TO, and you don't even give me time to PREPARE A WEDDING or, y'know, MEET THE GROOM? Although I guess that, given the time you tried to have me EXECUTED, this is really the most emotional awareness I can expect from you! God, I should have kicked your ass years ago! You DESERVE this!" Rukia vented, blue fire once again glowing in her palm.
"Rukia, I'm sorry if you feel I've slighted you in some way…"
"If I FEEL you've slighted me?"
"But you must understand, I wouldn't have done something like this unless I had a very good reason."
"Oh, and what was THAT?"
Byakuya pointed at Yachiru. "Getting rid of her."
"Hee. Byakushi noticed me!" Yachiru said happily. "Byaku-SHI, noticed ME!" she repeated, and began to jump up and down happily, spouting her impromptu rhyme.
Rukia watched the scene. Then she thought about a certain stuffed rabbit which had been forcibly removed from her possession. "Okay, so maybe you did have a good reason. But it was still a lousy thing to do!"
"Well it doesn't matter. The person I made the bargain with turned out to be quite useless, I see no reason I should uphold it." Byakuya said. "You are once again free to marry as you wish."
"Byaku-SHI, noticed ME!"
"My thanks, brother. Don't worry, when the time comes, I'll choose a groom that will make the family proud." Rukia said solemnly.
"I know you will." Byakuya said simply. "You've never been anything but an credit to this clan, no matter what my own actions on the subject might have implied. I have always been and will always be proud to call you my sister."
"Byaku-SHI…"
"Brother…" Rukia said, a tear forming in one of her eyes.
"Byaku-" Yachiru began. In a single smooth motion, Byakuya wrapped her up in one of the spare coats he kept hanging in the hall closet (And which were now on the floor following Rukia's 'unplanned remodeling').
"MMMMMMMFFFFF!" Yachiru said.
"Better." Byakuya said.
"Agreed." Rukia replied. Then her expression turned thoughtful. "Say, she didn't happen to have a little stuffed bunny on her when she came here, did she?"
"Again with the rabbits? Aren't you getting a little old for that? You're not two-hundred anymore."
"Hey, I happen to LIKE rabbits, and it has nothing to do with maturity!" Rukia said petulantly. "Aw, I guess it doesn't matter. What's really important is that we're a family again, a small child has been stuffed into a coat, and everything is right in the world!" Rukia smiled and took this opportunity to glance out the window... where she saw the Seireitei in flames.
The two siblings looked at the fire. Then they looked at the wreckage of their own home, and considered how long it would take to fix. Then they looked back at the fire.
"There is nothing out there." Byakuya said firmly, and closed the curtains.
"Everything is right in the world!" Rukia repeated firmly, with just the slightest hint of denial in her voice.
"Everything is wrong in the world!" Hitsugaya moaned, without the slightest hint of denial in his voice.
"Oh, try to keep up a positive attitude, Mr. Toshiro." Orihime said.
"Why should I? My headquarters has been invaded by another division, my house has been invaded by my OWN division, my peers think I'm some sort of nymphomaniac, I've signed myself up to be Captain Kuchiki's flower boy in exchange for assistance that amounted to somewhere between 'completely worthless' and 'utterly worthless', and now it's really starting to look like Matsu-freakin'-moto has, once again, managed to ruin what little life I have left! Oh, and on top of that, we're all gonnadie! WHY EXACTLY SHOULD I BE POSITIVE?"
"Well, at least this cell is clean." Orihime said primly after taking a few seconds to think about it.
Ukitake's eyes widened, and he suddenly coughed up a significant amount of blood. "Sorry. Tuberculosis."
"Well, at least…" Orihime began.
"No, no, don't say it. Whatever you were about to say, just… just don't give fate any more ideas. I wish I could say 'it can't possibly get worse', but… well, I think we all know it can." Hitsugaya said wearily.
"Shiro-chan? Is that you?" A voice called down into the dungeon from the upper floor. A familiar head poked into the room. "Oh, there you are! I was worried I'd never find you in all this madness!"
Hitsugaya looked at her wide eyed, in shock, wondering numbly if things had just gotten worse or better. "Well…" He said, his mouth suddenly dry, "I wasn't expecting to see you here." He said, in the understatement of the millennium.
It was Momo.