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Cyberchao X - oh sorry, the PME recap will clear it up.

PME Recap: Prince Lyon has been replaced by Anthony, a memorable Ft. Mangs user was blamed for everything during Twitch streams as a joke. Saber from Echoes replaces Gerik, and Tethys is replaced by Boy, a trap dancer version of Roy. Elise takes Amelia's role, while Takumi takes Innes'. Ewan is now Julius from Geneology of the Holy War.

Chapter 14 – Lex Rex Tex Mex

With the fort in fiery Transformers-esque ruins, Team Marry Sue had no choice but to advance on to their destination. Although, they had to interrogate the obligatory generic fodder, in the style of a Law & Order episode.

"Why did the emperor start this war?" Marry Sue asked, banging his hand on the table. "Don't lie to me, cavalier!"

"Because he was….b-bored?"

"That's it, I'm giving him a titty twister." Edward cracked his knuckles.

"Hold Ed. There has to be SOME reason why!"

"Okay okay! …..have you ever heard of….the Muffin Man?"
"The Muffin Man?"
"The Muffin Man!" he sobbed.

"Don't you DARE try to blame Shrek. What's next, blaming-" Marry Sue's eyes went wide. "Anthony."

"Oh the prince? Yeah he convinced Emperor to attack Renais."

"LIES! Anthony is my friend! Get him out of here, Edward, I need to discuss things with my adviser."

XXXXX

"…..me?" Artur asked. "You actually want to listen to me?"

"Well no, I'm just here to shoot down your suggestions. We set out for the capital of Grado immediately! If we can find Lex, my old teacher, or Anthony…..we might stop this war."

"But milord, they're our enemy-"

"No excuses! Rally the troops Artur, and do be careful that Gheb doesn't throw a rock at your spine again." He walked over to the young manakete Tiki. "You should go back to Frelia."

"No, Marry Sue….I sense great evil afoot….it's too dangerous for me to stay behind."

"…that doesn't make any sense."

"Pwease?" she asked, giving puppy dog….er, puppy dragon eyes. "I'll be your best fwiend, onii-chan…."

"Damn it, woman, your moe factor is off the charts! Very well! You can come with…."

"Yay! Can we get swittles and get ice cweam?"

"You don't have to keep talking like that."

Speaking of our always-blamed prince, he was in the throne room with the emperor. Selena had been summoned.

"Yeah, your majesty?"

"Lex has left for Bathreon. Take a battalion and go after him. I think he took my Carvel coupon!"

"Oh, okay, to assist?"

"No…..to kill."

"WHAT?!" Selena gasped. "But Lex isn't some traitor! He always washes his hands!"

"Selena….are joo disobeying my orders?"

"No….I'm just-"

"Go. And pick up some Subway while you're out."

"But I thought you wanted Carvel-"

"Go, woman!"

Selena frowned and walked out of the throne room. "I can't betray his majesty….he's watched out for me and given me shopping money. But if that's what he wants…..Lex, you're going down."

"I'm what?"

"You read the previous scene, didn't you?! Uh, I mean….w-we're gonna take on Frelia's troops, they're coming from the north! Prince Marry Sue leads them."

Lex scoffed. "You followed me all the way here, cryptically alluded to you attacking me, and now you say Marry Sue is in charge?"

"Give the order to attack."

"No, I wish to speak to the prince first."

"So it's TRUE!" Selena shouted. "You'd put an overly perfect prince over your own country?! I accuse you of treason! Lay down your weapons!"

"Bitch, you trippin'!" Lex galloped away, and while other Grado soldiers got into position, Narcian flew over to Selena.

"Ughhh, what do YOU want?"

"His Majesty wants you back at the capital, Selena. Lex is no longer your concern. He thinks you're untrustworthy."

"But I came ALL the way here! What, he's gonna make YOU fight him?"

"Not a chance!" Narcian cackled. "I wish to claim sweet Amelia's head in Carcino. If you disagree, then prove your worth to the emperor right now!"

"Tch. Better find that Carvel then…." She galloped away. As she did, Narcian passed command to another loyal subordinate of his, one that we saw in Renvall…

"Here we are!" Boulder announced. "We can surely find a ship that will take us closer to our destination."

"Uh, Boulder, Marry Sue said that 25 minutes ago," Belle said.

"Oh…wait, why don't any of you call Arden slow? We're both armored knights!"

"The power of-"
"Shut up!"

Marry Sue squinted. "Uh oh. Looks like we have Grado men in our midst down there, but…..are they engaged with General….Lex?!"

"Who the eff is Lex? Your boyfriend?" Gheb taunted.

"No, my teacher! We have to help him! And I have an i-"

"Hold it, m8." xXL00tXx walked up to him and tapped his chest. "If you're going to use Artur as an adviser, then you let me come up with a plan."

"Oh, xXL00tXx…." Artur sniffled. "You really do care about me…"

"He's my servant too."

"…..50-50 I guess."

"Only if Artur translates. I still can't understand your accent, Lute."

"It's xXL00tXx."

"I just said that."

"Bloody hell, you wanker…." The gamer girl pinched her nose.

"Captain Ghast! Marry Sue and his gang have been sighted!"

Ghast nearly spit out his canuck coffee. "Marry Sue?! Go after him, he's way more important than Lex! I want him alive….so I can shove the knife through his heart myself." He picked up his Long Bow, which could cover a huge distance.

"Geez, what did he do to you?"

"Only the worst sin a main character can commit….and it's in his name." He dug into his pocket and pulled out crossed-out pictures of a certain white-haired manakete. "Fuck mary sues."

"It's Marry Sue."

"Dude, seriously? Semantics, bro."

XXXX

"This doesn't make any sense!" Lex and his four cavaliers were backed against the nearby village. "Why would the emperor think I'M a traitor?! I mean, I wash my hands!"

"Don't worry, General, we'll protect you! We'll go erratically and possibly get ourselves killed!"

"No! Just stay here and-"
"WE'RE GREEN UNITS!"

Lex facepalmed so hard, his descendants felt it.

"Oh no! There's boats with cannons! Who's gonna stop them?" Belle asked. Everyone looked at her. "What? It's because I'm on a winged horse, isn't it? That's mountist!"

"Don't worry, Belle, we have an alternative. Oh Gheb…..?"

"What?" he grunted, pissing on a rock.

"If you hunt down those ships attacking us….I'll….be your girlfriend~?"

"That's for flamers! I want pics of everything, INCLUDING the fourth hole!" Gheb dove into the water, lust giving him strength and speed.

"F-Fourth hole?"

"Look alive, m80s," xXL00tXx commanded, as three myrmidons approached. Boulder and Belle quickly donned fake mustaches (yes, even Boulder), and set up a fake stand.

"Herro. We are famous businessmen. Would you rike to see new console. It comes with waifu VR technology. You can pet them!"

"Hmmmmm…well, your accent is incredibly bogus BUT those mustaches look legit! Sign me up!"

"Me too!"

"No thanks, I already have a pillow," said the third.

Eventually, more and more of the soldiers came by to see the new tech, which was a fake pair of sunglasses. Edward kept transmutating things (rocks, bushes, Al Gore) to look like busty young women.

"Genius, Lute! You-"

"M8. If you don't use my gamer tag I will feed you to the sharks."

"You're threatening me? That's uncalled for, Lute!"

"You're doing it again, wanker!"

"Hey!" One of the Grado soldiers lifted up the sunglasses. "Wait a minute….EVERYONE knows gamers are supposed to love traps! This is a scam!"

"No it….isn't?" Belle tried, lamely. "If it was a scam, then how do you explain the cannonball firing right towards you guys?

Gheb had seized the vessel, and if history can tell us, Gheb seizing anything spells disaster.

Dorcas knocked on the gate to the northern village.

"What do you want?!" asked the agitated heroin-addicted gatekeeper. "You, you gonna try to steal my stash?! Well fuck you, buddy!"

"I….was just warning you about the battle."

"Oh. Oh phew, thought you wanted my stash, because I would stab your eye with a crowbar. Uhhh….you know magic, right?"

"Not at all."

"Coolio! Gangster's Paradise!" he tossed a Torch staff to him. "Have fun, brother!"

"….this isn't a spellbook."

"Pfffft! Of course not, I keep my heroin in spellbooks! …..SHIT! Uh, I gotta go!"

Who could use this….?

Belle, Boulder, Caeda, Edward, and Arden were fighting the soldiers. Gheb was shooting things while also filming the music video of his version of "I'm on a Boat". Artur was already buried under rubble.

xXL00tXx, pissed off, was blazing people up.

Hmm…..looks like Dorcas finally has a win. He smiled and put the staff on his pocket….not seeing that it protruded horizontally in his pants.

Lex winced; the green units were getting their asses kicked, but per the law of green units, they had no sense of self-preservation. All would be lost…

"General!"

"Marry Sue?!" Lex looked to see if anyone had noticed the prince. "How did you….leave me be! I'd rather die than be seen as a traitor!"

"General, stop being a martyr, that's for losers! I know that you know that the Emperor has gotten mad. Don't you want to see the answer for yourself?"

"….."

"Please. We need a soldier that actually knows what he's doing. Jagen went off with my sister."

"Very well, Prince Marry Sue! I, Lex the Obsidian, and proponent of man ponytails…will join your cause! But we have pirates approaching the shore and my men have gotten themselves-"
WHACK
"-killed."

"Can you handle them off? I'll get Edward and Arden to charge forward!" Marry Sue quickly ran off, towards the northern brawl.

"Prince, wait!" Lex shouted. But it was too late; one of Ghast's arrows had struck the prince. "Hang on! I'll be your shield!"

"What about the pirates?!"

"Arrr! I think it's time for a song, First Mate Stephanie!" chortled the "pirate captain" Rottenbeard, who definitely wasn't notorious prankster Robby Rotten in disguise.

"Gee! What song do you have, Captain?" asked Stephanie, a pink-haired girl of endless positivity.

"Do what you want cuz a pirate, you are a pirate!
Yar-har-fiddle-dee-dee, being a pirate is alright with me!
Do what you want cuz a pirate is free, you are a pirate!
You are a pirate (yay!)! We've got us a loc-"

The catchy song was interrupted by one of Gheb's cannonballs, and one of the shots knocked the three puppet children into the (shark-infested) water. Gheb himself jumped into the cannon and shot himself into the mast, crashing down onto the deck.

"Give me your gold or else I'll….oh, snap! Robby! How you been?!"

"Gheb, uh….I don't know who this Robby person is…" Rottenbeard pointed anxiously at Stephanie, who lucky for him was completely oblivious.

"Oh sweet, a sea wench!"

"Oh for crying out-" Robby ripped off his beard. "I'm not doing that angle! Quit ruining my fun!"

"Robby Rotten?! Hey! You stole Rottenbeard's costume?!"

Gheb looked portside and whistled. "Oh man, apparently puppets can bleed…"

Ghast readied his next shot….carefully, he pulled the string back…..squinted in the heat of the bright sun….and fired.

DING

"What….? General Lex. You're defending Prince Marry Sue?"

"He's right, Ghast! There's something afoot with the emperor, and I intend to figure out the answer!" Lex shouted. Marry Sue was behind him, blocked by his armor.

"Look, General, I really respect you, but I can't stand Marry Sue. Or any mary sue! So if you hand him over, nobody has to get hurt."

"Except me," the prince said. "I heard you saying you want to kill me?"

"How in the hell did you…..arrrgh! This is what I'm talking about!" Ghast switched to his sword. "Defending someone like him is taking a stand for all kinds of shitty writing!"

"I don't really see how those statements are connected at all! Besides, we're in a-"

"NO!" Ghast pointed his sword. "Don't you dare break the fourth wall, Lex. Let's settle this like men."

"Well okay, but I kinda need my lotion."

"…"

"I get dry hands!"

Lex readied his hand axe regardless, and galloped forward. He blocked Ghast's first hit, but Ghast dodged his axe. It seemed the two were evenly matched, blow for blow.

Damn…..he MUST have some kind of weakness! I just need him to see more of Marry Sue to piss him off!

Slowly, he lured him back…

The cavaliers and myrms were defeated, but the others were now facing attacks from a wyvern squad. Both Caeda and Belle were getting heavily wounded by their spears.

"Damn it….is how I'm going to die? I wanted to die with Marry Sue in my arms…."

"Princess, I wanted to die with my limbs still intact!" Belle screamed, holding her dislocated shoulder. "BOULDER! DO something!"

"I have your back, Belle!" Boulder adorned a top hat and cane, and began to dance like the frog from Looney Tunes. "Hello, my baby, hello my darling~!"

"I really hate him…."

Dorcas ran to the center of the action. "Don't worry! ITS DORCAS TIME!" he chucked the Torch staff at one of the riders, causing him to crash into the next, and then a third, then all of them crashed into the sea. And boy, do sharks love wyvern blood.

"…did Dorcas just save our lives?"

"EVERYONE, STAY BACK!" Lex commanded. "AND PUT MARRY SUE AHEAD! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CONTRADICTORY AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY MY WORDS ARE ALL CAPITALIZED, BUT STILL!"

And so Marry Sue was.

"D-Dance!"

So he did, while Ghast and Lex continued their duel. The former's eyes looked at the prince every now and while, but the battle was not yet won!

"FIGHT!"

Marry Sue picked up a rock and threw it at the last wyvern rider.

"Grrr…."

Got him! "NOW FOR THE FINISHER! USE YOUR TRUE POWERS!"

"…..huh? I don't just have magical main character powers, Lex."

"Are you sure? Because I'm bleeding and I was kinda banking on that."

"Yeah, I was so ready to go into a rant," Ghast said disappointed, "but I guess if you're good, you're good. You probably only dance, right?"

"Dance….pick locks….seize….do math…a little science…a little-"

"Nope! I'm out!"
Ghast dropped his sword, picked up his bags, and headed off to plan out his next youtube video, wondering if the narrator was going to even pay him for his time.

Support Science: Is Marry Sue a mary sue or a gary stu?

"Hey! They mean the same thing!" Marry Sue disliked the video and left a nasty comment that would later get pinned for irony. "Glad to have you with us, Lex. But…why were you being chased?"

"I wish I knew."

"Why did Emperor start this war?"

"I wish I knew. But, I may have an idea. One day, a bunch of Grado mages got together and created something called the Dank Stone."

"The Dank…Stone?"

"They say it's more powerful than the Sacred Stones."

"Marry Sue…." Tiki tugged his sleeve. "I sense it. Great evil from the capital. It has the power to…corrupt souls…"

"Well not only is that weirdly expositional, it gives us another theory! The emperor must be under corruption. Will you fight along us to the capital, Lex?"

"I mean….my men are dead and my hair appointment isn't until three weeks for now, so I really don't have much else going on."

"Great! Now all we need is a boat….."

XXXX

"Well, this is our spot."

"You sure?" Gheb asked. "We could get hammered, like the good old times! And it's only a few years before the girl becomes legal enough."

"Can't. I've got this great new song planned out, something like….We Aren't Number Two…."

Stephanie had been stuffed and sealed into a barrel. Robby grabbed it and jumped off, bidding the others a farewell. Gheb flagged them down.

"Yo! I did it, boss!"

"Excellent work, Gheb!"

"Um….M-Marry Sue, I don't have to be his girlfriend, do I?" Caeda whispered.

"Well Caeda, if it bothers you that much, you could always pretend that you pretend the fairer sex."

"What?!" Gheb set the anchor. "….prove it. Make out with Belle."

"Uhhhh…..look! A convenient plot distraction!"

L'Arachel galloped over to the dock with Jozla and Guzma in tow. She took one look at the vessel and smiled wide. "Amazing job, friends! With this boat, I shall purge the sea of those nasty heathens!"

"And you would be…"

"Princess of Rau-" Jozla's stand covered her mouth. "Er…L'Arachel will do. The locals have spoken of a terrible phantom ship! If you wish to bare the waters, then I insist we accompany you!"

"We?" Guzma balked.

"Well….if you insist. I'm on my way to Grado, so I have no intention of stopping our journey just because of a tall tale. Right, Artur?"

"Ri-" L'Arachel smacked him with a big stick before he could finish.

"Disgusting spider heathen! Now if you'll excuse me, I shall board your ship proper." L'Arachel boarded and raised her sword. "I declare this ship to be under the guise of L'Arachel, Holy Heroine!"

"That's cute, but this is a man's story, and I'M the captain."

She glared at Gheb. "I don't remember asking your permission, foul creature. Do you want me to purge you next?"

"Hey, Caeda, can you make out with her first?!" he shouted.

Marry Sue sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this…"

"Gee, why? The emperor being corrupted? A phantom ship on the horizon? Me continuing to be in writhing pain?! No, I have no idea where a bad feeling would possibly come from!" Artur yelled as sarcastically as he could.

"Ouch, Artur….who hurt you?"

"DO YOU WANT A LIST?!"

FIN

Ending notes: Jokes aside, I do recommend Ghast's Support Science series (and Mangs's spotlights) to learn more about the subtleties of a lot of a Fire Emblem characters.

Next Time: Julius goes full chunni.