Deeper
When I wake up and snuggle close to the body next to me I smile and breathe in their perfume before I open up my eyes. The sun hasn't come up yet, everyone is asleep.
I kiss under Rachel's ear as I caress the skin of her abdomen with the tip of my fingers. She hums softly as her hips buck backwards and against mine. I begin kissing a path from her neck up to her mouth as I roll her around and hover over her. She responds to my kiss immediately and wraps her arms around my neck as I maneuver her legs open and settle between them.
I caress her tongue with mine before biting her bottom lip as I pull back to look into her beautiful dark eyes. We don't speak and as I thrust my hips downwards she scratches my shoulders and arms without breaking eye contact.
There is something so uniquely sexy about her in this moment that it becomes impossible to look away and as she wraps one leg around my waist and moves the other between mine I kiss her deeply, languidly and roughly. She moans and her nails dig deeper into my skin but instead of hurting me, it alights something within me and I know that we made love last night until we fell asleep but I can't get enough of her.
She groans in my ear as I sneak my hands between the sheets and her back until I'm cupping her asscheeks fully. I thrust faster and squeeze the skin in my hands, making her cry out in pleasure and a little bit of pain.
I suck and bite the sensitive skin of her neck and moan at the feeling of her nipples rubbing against my own. God! How I love her skin and how soft it feels sliding against me. How could I ever get enough of her? It seem impossible.
When she bites my neck and runs her nails on my sides I come apart right here, between her arms and legs. So I move down, kissing all over her and leaving the warmth of her body until I'm kissing her inner thighs. She hooks her legs on my shoulders as I lick up her slit. But there is nothing slow or soft about this, I'm too worked up and she's too impatient for that.
Using my fingers I get exactly where I want to be and I suck hard on it as she throws her head back and arches her back on the mattress. She's being loud and a roar erupts from my throat at the sounds she's making. I don't care who can hear her, I just want her to come and to not hold back when she does.
So as I suck harder and slip two fingers deep inside of her. I would have smirked at the deep moan that ripped through her mouth had my own hadn't been busy but I settle for thrusting and sucking as fast and as hard as I can and only slow down when she's screaming my name at the top of her lungs.
She trembles when I pull out my fingers and I kiss her softly as we both smile lazily now. "Good morning" I whisper against her lips. The sun has is out now.
"In deed" she kisses me again as I get between her legs with no intention other than to feel closer to her.
"911!" Marley yells outside of the door before slapping it hard. "I understand if you didn't hear your pagers but there is a 911 in the Hospital and Rachel's car is in the shop again and we need a ride."
"All in one breath" I peck my girlfriend's lips again before reaching out to take a look at my pager and pass Rachel's to her.
"She was right" she mumbles before jumping out of the bed. I hum back as I follow her to the shower. Today's her first day back at work.
After the fastest showers in history Rachel and I come down the stairs only to come face to face with her friends who look less than amused to see our smiling expressions.
"Is everything alright?" Rachel asks, obvlious to their attitude. 0
"Oh, I don't know" Marley sarcastically replies as Blaine tries to calm her down.
"Marley" he calls as I chuckle back a laugh.
"We'll try to keep it down" I tell her before pulling Rachel out of the front door.
"Were we that loud again?" Rachel asks as I unlock my car and peck her lips.
"No baby" I turn on the car as Marley and Blaine finally leave the house. "You were"
"I hate you" she mumbles as I laugh.
"No, you don't"
"At this particular moment, I do."
…
In general, people can be categorized in one of two ways. Those who love surprises and those who don't. I don't, and I've never met a surgeon that enjoys a surprise. As surgeons we like to be in the know. We have to be in the know because if we aren't people die and law suits happen.
Anyway, I like to be in the know because if I'm not, I'm off my game and unprepared. Whoever said what you don't know can't hurt you was a complete moron.
We stare as two people from the wreck are sitting on a gurney together with a metal pole sticking through their abdomens. They are smiling and facing each other, from a distance it could be seen as two people hugging one another. They smile because they don't know what this means and they should be scared but they're not.
"Dr. Fabray, you coming?" Dr. Thomas asks as I finally blink and the blond girl on the gurney smiles at me.
"Yes, of course."
Once I'm changed and outside the trauma room I still can't shake out of the shock. There is no explanation why these two people can still be smiling and talking when there is a pole ripping through both of them. Literally.
"Have you ever…?"
"Never" I answer even before Dr. Jones finishes her question.
"Do you think they stand a chance?"
"That's what we're here to find out" she nods as a paramedic approaches us.
"His BP is looking steady at 90 over pal. She's had two hypotensive episodes to the low seventies"
"You gonna get us on there?" I take the chart from her hands and start reading.
"We're not moving them"
"Good thinking."
The girl, Bonnie is only twenty five and she's as bubbly as Marley usually is, she's even cracking jokes inside the room. The man, Tom, a forty six social worker is also laughing with her and until I don't see scan and labs I won't be able to explain why are they still conscious.
They ought to believe that this is nothing serious, they're laughing after all, but there is no way that they'll both walk out of here alive.
"Can you believe this?" I turn to see Rachel putting on globes beside me. "How are they still conscious?"
"I don't know"
"This is bad, isn't it?"
"Yeah. Yes, it is."
We both enter the room and she goes to examine the patients as I stay with Dr. Jones and the paramedic that brought them in.
"Still no idea of where to start" Dr. Jones admits and I have to agree with her. There are a million things that can go wrong if we move them. Something can rupture, well, many things can rupture at this point.
"Is this the craziest thing you've seen?" Bonnie asks Rachel as my girlfriend checks her pulse.
"Uh… yeah" she admits with an apologetic smile.
"Yeah, me too" the patient smiles and I smile back at Rachel. She looks as shock as I imagine myself to look if I were in there.
Blaine and Puckerman have also gotten inside the room to assist. I still can't look at Puckerman in the eye after the elevator incident. I don't understand how he could have frozen in such a situation. If he had been the only intern in that elevator the patient would be dead by now and that it's something that I can't begin to understand. If he's having second thoughts about this, about being a surgeon, this would be the time to drop the towel and stop wasting our time. The point is, I don't trust him with my patients anymore.
"You got it from here?" the paramedic asks.
"Were you at the scene?" Dr. Jones beats me to ask.
"Won't be too bad for you" he nods. "Lots of carnage. Not a lot of survivors."
He leaves as I take a second look at Tom's chart. "They're never going to fit into a CT" I tell Jones as I search my mind. "We're going to have to fly blind. Get x-rays and labs and page me the minute you're done. We can't afford to lose time that they don't have."
"Excuse me!" I look up to find Bonnie's smiling face. It's obvious that she's concerned and wants to know what's going on.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Fabray" I smile and move inside the room to stand in front of her. "You shouldn't turn your head. You want to try and move as little as possible, okay?"
"Oh, okay. Sorry… so are you gonna pull this pole out of us anytime soon?" she smiles and Tom giggles with her.
"It's a touch uncomfortable" he adds and I have to smile because looking at them is unbelievable.
"I'm sorry, we can't until we get a better look on what's going on internally. But I assure you we will work as quickly as possible"
"Well, in that case does anybody have a breath mint?" Bonnie asks looking straight at Rachel and I laugh as Tom's eyes go wide.
"For me" she clarifies. "Not for you, your breath is fresh" they smile at each other and I realize that they are trying to be supportive. They're both going through a traumatizing experience but they are being solidary with one another. They're not smiling because they don't know what's going on, they're smiling because they want to believe that there's a way out of this.
"Get Lopez, please" I ask Dr. Jones who is quick to step outside and call Santana for me.
"You called, Dr. Fabray?"
"Get them an X-ray" Santana nods quickly. "Move them extremely carefully, Dr."
"Don't worry, Dr. Fabray" she smiles and gets right to work as I eye Rachel and walk out of trauma.
"Dr. Jones sent Noah to do sutures until he gets over his new found fear of scalpels" Rachel says as she walks with me.
"He's lucky he's still practicing"
"You're being mean" she accuses me and I huff in response.
"If Santana hadn't been in that elevator the patient would be dead"
"But she was and Noah freaked out, and the patient is okay. You need to stop punishing him"
"No, he needs to face the consequences of his mistakes. If he has to do sutures for the rest of the month to learn something, then he has to"
"What if it had been me?" she asks as I hold the door of the search room open for her.
"You'd have never frozen when someone needed your help" she looks away knowing that I'm right and lets her shoulders drop.
"I still think you're being mean" she says getting closer and wrapping her arms around my waist once the door is closed.
"When I knew he was in there with the patient I thought that everything was going to be alright. You know how much I taught him before he went and froze in there?"
"You're disappointed" she kisses my chin and I look away.
"Of course I'm disappointed. I don't like teaching and I took the time with him"
"And then he froze"
"And then he froze" I deadpan before pulling back from her arms and heading for a computer.
"You're a good teacher" she wraps her arms from behind around my neck and nuzzles me.
"That's what she said" I laugh and she slaps my shoulder softly before sitting next to me.
"You're taking the time with me" she observes after a few seconds.
"Because I love you and I want you to be great. Now help me with this."
I see her trying not to smile but failing completely. After an hour of reading about everything that can go wrong with Bonnie and Tom I close the internet tab and rest on the chair. Like I said, I don't like surprises and they are already full with them.
"Worst case scenario?" she asks as I feel her fingers playing with mine before my pager goes off.
"They both bleed out before we can do anything."
We head to the X-ray room where I take a seat in front of the computer to examine everything better. They are crushed. I don't know how they can still be talking and laughing, and conscious.
"Is it going straight through her spine?" Santana asks as I take a deep breath.
"It is. T8's completely crushed" Dr. Jones answer for her just as Dr. Pierce walks inside the room
"Are these people still alive?" she asks as she looks at me. I give her a nod as she takes the chart from Santana's hands.
"They're making small talk" she tells her.
"Pole's tamponing the wound as far as we can see" Dr. Jones fills her in.
"It's hitting the aorta" Dr. Pierce says as I come to stand by her side.
"And look at him. It's right in line with his inferior vena cava" we both breathe in deeply.
"Is there a way to operate without separating them?" Santana asks and I shake my head in the negative.
"There isn't" Dr. Pierce tells her.
"And if we remove the pole…"
"They'll both bleed out" Dr. Jones finishes for her.
"What if…?" I stop myself because what I'm about to say is harsh but it will allow us to safe one life and it's gotta mean something. "What if we don't move the poll?" Pierce gives me a look along with everyone else as I turn around. "What if we move one of the patients off the poll to get the saw in there? Then we can hold the pole steady in the other one. Move it very slowly and repair the damage as we go"
"Which one would you move?" Santana asks immediately and I look at Rachel.
"With her aortic injuries, her chances of survival are extremely slim, no matter what we do. But if we move her, we have a real shot of saving him" she comes closer and stands beside me. Sometimes we have to put the science before the heart. I don't like it but as a surgeon I need to be logical, people trust me to be it.
"Well, I could argue since her injuries are so extensive we should move him" Dr. Pierce intervenes. "Give her the best shot we can"
"It doesn't take away the fact that her injuries are worse than his and his chances of survival are higher."
We could go on and on about this and Dr. Pierce knows it, that's why she meets my eyes and falls silent.
"So basically whoever you move doesn't stand a chance" Rachel says and I nod. "So how do you choose? How do you decide who gets to live?"
Pierce and I nod at the same time before turning to the door and heading out. I don't know how to choose, I don't even know if it's my call to choose but I still need to make a decision and put it up for a vote.
"We have to make this call soon if we want our shot of saving either one of them?" I tell her.
"I'd like to examine them again before I weigh in" she lets me know and looking over my shoulder I see that Santana and Rachel are following us.
"I'll wait for your page"
"Yes, thank you."
We part ways and Rachel joins me as I check on my post-op patients before we go for lunch together. She holds my hand silently as we eat. Somehow she's become good at reading me and as much as I like it I know that it's a knife with two sharp ends at the end of the day.
When Dr. Pierce pages me to the x-rays room again I go alone and when I walk inside I find Dr. Jones and Pierce staring at new scans.
"You were right" Dr. Pierce says. "Her vitals are erratic. Pulse is weak. Spine severed. I was hoping it didn't hit from that angle. It just can't miss the aorta" I watch the scans as well and nod.
"What about him? Think he can live?" Dr. Jones asks as Rachel and Santana walk inside as well.
"His odds are better"
"So we ready" she says and we both nod. "Tell OR 1 that we are coming" she tells them and Santana starts walking off.
"Oh and Lopez?" she turns around. "Close off the gallery. We don't need an audience for this" she nods but doesn't move.
"She's cracking jokes" she says and I look away. "How do you tell someone that she's going to be dead in a few minutes when she's sitting up cracking jokes?"
No one answers her question and Rachel is sent by Dr. Jones to prep the patients before I can look back. Dr. Pierce sits down as I stare at the scans some more.
We can try as much as we can and we won't be able to save Bonnie. Her injuries are too great, the most minimal movement and she'll bleed out faster than I can count to two but that doesn't mean that we won't try.
"We need to do this" Dr. Jones says and holds the door open until Pierce and I walk out. We head down to Bonnie and Tom's room where Rachel is currently working but when she sees us walking in she stops to listen.
"Hi, Doc" Bonnie smiles and I smile just as big and apprehensive.
"You don't bring good news" Tom says growing serious.
"This is hard because your body is in a certain amount of shock" Dr. Pierce speaks. "It's preventing you from feeling pain. From feeling the extent of your injuries"
"Dr. Pierce" Bonnie interrupts her. "We have a metal pole cutting a path through our insides. I don't know about Tom here but I didn't expect to walk out of here anytime soon" her voice breaks as does my heart. "So whatever… whatever it is you have to say just… just say it, please?"
"Okay" Dr. Pierce nods and takes a moment before looking back up to meet Bonnie's eyes. "In order to operate on Mr. Maynard we have to separate you two. In order to do that, we have to move you backwards off the pole"
"Can't you just pull the pole out of both of us?" Tom asks and I place my hand on Dr. Pierce's shoulder as she shakes her head and Bonnie reads between the lines.
"If we did that you would both start bleeding out very quickly, too quickly. Right now the pole is plugging your wounds. Once removed the organs will shift and there's a great deal of damage"
"So…" Bonnie is trying not to cry. "…if you move me… I'll die?" everyone falls silent and she cries out.
"We are going to do everything that we can" I tell her but she's crying softly now.
"No" Tom interrupts. "No" he denies. "If anyone has to go it should be me. You just move me right out and…"
"No, Mr. Maynard" I tell him as Rachel takes Bonnie's hand and tries to comfort her. I silently wonder if there is anything that could achieve that propose. "Your injuries are less extensive. If we pull the pole from you as we operate around it, we have a better chance at repairing the damage"
"It's not right" he also cries, mad. "It's not fair"
"We will do everything that we can for both of you in there, believe me…"
"No!"
"Shh Tom" Bonnie says through her tears. "It's not fair either way. They have to give us the best chance and this is our best chance, that one of us walks out of here and I'm glad it gets to be you" she cries as I take a deep breath. "Dr. Berry? Is Danny here yet?" Rachel shakes her head as her red eyes look straight at me.
"There are delays at the airport because of a storm" she barely manages to say. She mentioned Bonnie's fiancé is coming.
"We could wait a few more minutes" Dr. Jones offers.
"No, no" Bonnie smiles sadly. "This is better. Danny wouldn't understand. I've had a couple of hours to, you know…" she breathes in deeply and smiles "…process all of this. But if, if he had to see me… talk to me like this… well, I just think it would be too hard."
I look at Rachel and I understand what Bonnie says to perfection.
I'm the first one to walk out of their room and start putting two teams together. I'll make sure to do everything that I can in the OR.
And when I walk inside the OR everyone is already in there and Bonnie is asking Tom if he believes in heaven. I take a deep breath and approach the table as Dr. Pierce also walks closer with Dr. Adams.
"This is Dr. Adams" she introduces them. "Our anesthesiologist. When you're ready, he's gonna put you to sleep" she tells them and as she smiles, Bonnie looks at me. I take her hand and give it a squeeze.
"Will it hurt?" she brokenly asks me.
"It won't hurt a bit" I promise her.
"Good. That's good. Dr. Fabray?"
"Yes?"
"Will you talk to my Danny when he gets here?"
"Yes"
"Tell him that I love him, please" tears stream down her face softly, romantically. "Tell him that I've never loved anyone and no one has ever loved me as fervently in my life. Tell him that he was the love of my life, please. And that if love… if love were enough, I'd still be with him."
"I will" I chock out before Dr. Adams takes care of putting her down.
With a knot in my throat I head to washing up. Dr. Jones hands me a tissue before she begins cleaning her hands and I have to take deep breaths to control myself in order to start doing my job.
"Why do I feel like we're about to kill this girl?" Dr. Jones says before she goes inside and leaves me facing the running water wondering why do I feel the same way?
I look up when the machines start beeping too fast and I hurry up while I see Bonnie crashing even before we begin.
When I get inside Bonnie is bleeding out faster than we ever anticipated and before we even started to move the pole out of her. "What happened?" I ask Dr. Adams as Dr. Pierce joins me.
"I just put them under" he defends.
"Pole must have shifted"
"I barely touched her" he defensively says. "This isn't my fault!"
"It's no one's fault" I cut him off. "We need to remove her now people or else we won't stand a chance"
"How do we do it?" Rachel and Santana ask at the same time.
"Team One continues, stabilizes Bonnie. Team Two move her back and let's get the saw in there. This has to be fast and smooth people. Lopez you hold the pole in place. Whatever you do don't pull on it, don't let it move an inch" she nods fervently and I meet everyone's eyes. "On the count of 3, 2, 1…"
Bonnie is being slid off the pole slowly and placed carefully on an operating table. I hurry to her side as they start cutting on the pole to free Tom enough to lay him down.
"Let's start with her" I tell everyone. "Scalpel" Rachel is standing in front of me when I do the first incision.
"Berry, get in here and help re-tract" Dr. Jones speaks as I take a look inside the mess. And it's truly one hell of a mess.
"Alright, I'm in" I announce.
"Hand me the cattery" Dr. Pierce asks at the same time. We're being fast, but I'm afraid it won't be enough.
"Her aorta is shredded. She's gonna bleed out" her monitor start beeping fast. She's flat-lining.
"There's no rhythm"
"Damn it" I cruse under my breath as Tom's monitor also starts beeping fast.
"He's losing pressure" Dr. Adams announces. "He's bleeding"
"Let's go" Dr. Pierce says as she turns away and heads to Tom's table immediately.
"Everyone change gloves" I speak out loud but don't make a move to walk away from Bonnie's table. We knew this was going to happen. We tried, didn't we?
"What about her?" Rachel asks me but I shake my head.
"There's nothing else that we can…"
"What about her?!" she asks louder. "We can't just abandon her" I've changed my gloves by now but she's growing more upset by the second.
"Rachel. We need to move now" I turn around quickly and observe the damage before choosing my line of action.
"I'm going in. Extend the sternum" I tell Santana. "Scalpel"
"We can't just abandon her!" Rachel yells somewhere behind me but I don't want to look back and see her trying when I know that even before we could have put a stich Bonnie was already too far gone. "We have an obligation"
"Rachel!" I raise my voice and even though I can't see her I can feel her eyes on me. "There was too much damage. You know this. Let her go and get here already."
I hear a wet sound and I know that she was pumping Bonnie's heart with her own hand. "Time of death 3:49." Dr. Jones calls it.
"Dr. Berry, come here and help me safe this man's life." She obeys but she's not really here and after hours of being in the OR I finally end my part and Dr. Pierce takes over. Tom will live.
On my way out I take Rachel with me and together we wash up before heading out. She starts crying even before we make it to an on-call room.
I hold her as she grips my robe and sobs uncontrollably. I also cry but for the most part I take care of her.
"We did everything we could" I whisper and she cries harder.
"I know."
She falls sleep in my arms after a while and I'm about to when there's a soft knock on the door before Santana's head pops inside.
"I'm sorry but Bonnie's boyfriend just got here and Dr. Pierce wanted me to let you know that she'll speak with Tom's wife"
"Thank you" she nods and with one last look at Rachel, she leaves the room.
I kiss her forehead before leaving her side and walk out.
Danny is a handsome man, kind and he's everything I'd imagine Bonnie's boyfriend to be. He begins crying the moment I open my mouth.
"Did she suffer?" he sobs openly. There is no shame in his tears, he isn't trying to hide them.
"No. Her injuries prevented her from…" I stop talking realizing that what he needs in a forward answer. "No, she didn't feel any pain."
"Good" he nods brokenly. "That's…" but he can no longer speak and I'm not doing any better.
"She asked me to tell you that…" I meet his stare and my heart breaks all over again. "…she wanted me to tell you that she loved you and that if love were enough she'd still be here with you. You were the love of her life."
He nods slightly and breaks down again. I sit down next to him and hold his hand as he cries in my shoulder. I barely manage to retain my own tears in order to be here for him but when I meet Rachel's eyes at the nurse station the tears scape me.
As surgeons there are so many things that we have to know. We have to know what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients and how to take care of each other.
I'm not strong enough. I wouldn't survive if she's snatched away from me so abruptly, so unexpectedly. I wouldn't.
…