A/N: From the desk of bnjwl: Thanks again for being here, we really appreciate it so much! Your reviews have helped Kyla and I both through a few tough weeks : ) You all are our own personal cheerleading squad on facebook, on twitter, and so many places! We love you all!
A big hug and lots of love to our team~mamadog93, ttharman, lvtwilight09 and to our beta Edward's Eternal! This is her last week with us, she is dealing with some personal problems, so she needs some time to take care of them. We will miss her and wish her well. She has taken us and made our stuff so pretty, we can't thank her enough. Next time we post (April 3rd) it will be with our new beta...A Jasper For Me! We are so happy to have her with us! Welcome aboard!
Now, to address a few of the reviews. In Edward's chapter this week, it had been a two year time jump by the end of the chapter. Bella's chapter will pick up right where her last one left off. This is the point where they will sort of take their own paths, some chapters will match up and some will not. Just trust us and we will get them both to the same spot, eventually. A tissue warning again...
The light changed to the little green man that let us know it was okay to walk across the street, so I stepped out. I shifted the bags and felt as one dropped from my grip. I stopped, turned and stooped to pick it up again. That was the last thing I remember.
Witnesses at the scene claim that the driver took the corner too fast and saw me too late. He did attempt to swerve but he was going too quickly. He hit me directly on my left side. I broke my left arm and collar bone. I cracked a rib, and had internal bleeding. The impact of the crash also broke my water and I had to deliver the baby. At least that's what I was told. I woke in a lonely hospital bed with Renee yelling at the doctor. I drifted in and out of it for several days. I'm sure the medications were the main cause of that.
All I knew when I woke up was that I was all alone. No Edward by my side and no baby in my arms. He was too early and was stillborn. The doctors later explained that probably what happened was the impact tore my placenta loose from my uterus and in trying to save the baby my body went into labor to deliver him. All of it was in vain because he was gone.
Renee got her wish.
He was delivered via C-section so that they could find the internal bleeding and get it stopped after he was out. All in all, I stayed in the hospital for four days and went back to our hotel room after I was released. I remember very little of the hospital time. I know I was doped up and it was fine with me. Because the more I slept the less I could spend crying over the fact that my baby was gone. I hurt both physically and mentally. I ached for Edward to hold me and make me feel better, to tell me that it would be alright, that we would have another baby together. But he wasn't there and to top it all off, Renee refused to talk about the baby at all. In fact, when I got back to the hotel room, she had all of the furniture gone, all the clothes and any sign that he ever existed were all wiped away. It made the pain and loneliness ever worse.
I stayed in bed for weeks and refused to do any exercises for my arm and shoulder. I didn't want to talk about dancing at all. I refused to speak to Renee. I just wanted to be alone with my misery. Renee put up with that for about two months, then she threatened to have me locked away somewhere, if I didn't get out and start going to a therapist. So I did. I didn't want to but I did.
After a few months of therapy several days a week, I finally agreed to go back to the dance troupe. I took a much less prestigious part and that pissed Renee off but she at least was happy that I was dancing again. I think she thought I was done with that for forever. In her happiness she took the effort to make sure I knew how happy she was with me and my decision. She complimented me on how well I danced each day, she told me that my skin and hair color were back to their original shine and color. She moved us to a more expensive hotel room, 'to get away', were her words on it. She bought me tons of new clothes, jewelry, and anything else she thought would bring me out of my shell again. She sent me to a salon and got me all fixed up, according to her. Like a trip to the salon and things would take away all of my problems. I smiled and pretended for her but at night, I cried myself to sleep as my arms ached to hold my baby and the love of my life.
On top of that I now had baby weight that I had to lose. Renee and Mademoiselle both stayed on my back about it. Renee took a gentler approach but I felt no less pressure.. I had two injuries and extra weight, so I doubled my workouts. When that didn't work I took a more drastic approach. I began to control my weight with other methods, again. Pills, laxatives, and finally vomiting.
I know that it was stupid to do but I felt in control of one thing, just one thing in my life and that made me feel hope. I felt like when I had the weight under control then I could move on to something else. Like dealing with Renee or finding Edward. I don't know, I'm sure my therapist would have shit fits if he knew about the weight issue, but I couldn't tell him. I guess that shows just how wrong I knew it was, that I wouldn't admit it to the one person that would help me see how to really gain my control.
I still saw him three times a week. I finally felt some improvement, a small amount but some. I came to grips with losing the baby, EJ as I had named him in my mind. I wanted him to be Edward Anthony Masen Junior. I found out later that he was simply called Baby boy Swan and disposed of by the hospital. Disposed of like he was trash! I never saw him, never held him. I don't know if he looked like me or Edward or a combination of us both. I never kissed his little head. One minute he was safe and secure in my body, the next he was not.
Renee saw the progress I made with my therapist and didn't like it. She arranged for our insurance company to insist that we see an 'in network doctor'. She found me another one, to save me the trouble of it all, of course. She settled with one that she liked and after a few visits I understood why. He was all for letting go and moving on. He wanted me to forget about the baby and the life I might have had. He said dwelling on the past would only bring me more of the same heartache that I had now. I would never be able to live my life while I looked into the past. He said that Edward was gone and had moved on, probably with lots of women, so I should hold on to the only thing left in my life…dancing. His philosophy and Renee's went hand in hand. I don't know if he really had all of the story or if she spun her tale so that it twisted things in order to get him to agree with her. I just don't know, all I knew was he was full of shit and she paid him well to spew it.
I continued to take the anti-anxiety medication and continued to dance. For now, it was all I had. At least until I could talk to Edward again. I held out hope that I would find him again and we could reconnect.
I turned over and looked at the clock, it was only a few minutes after five in the morning. I knew my alarm was set for fifteen after so I had a few minutes to lie here. To be alone, to have thoughts that were mine and not my mom's or even Mademoiselle's. Just mine.
I heard the pots and cups as they rattled in the kitchen. I knew that my mom was up and probably sat at the table while she drank her coffee and prepared my breakfast. It would be something healthy, full of protein and properly balanced in my diet plan that she had worked out with Mademoiselle. They were so proud of themselves, they thought that their diet worked for me. They even thought about trying it out on a few of the other girls. They had no idea that it was not their diet that worked. It was my middle finger on my right hand. That was what worked. Not them or their stupid ideas.
It had been so long now that, I couldn't remember when I started to throw up after my meals. I don't do it all the time, I tried to balance it out. Some days I skipped meals, some days I threw up, some days I just ate like normal. I had this plan of my own. I wrote it all down in my journal and kept track. But I varied what I did because I didn't want anyone to get suspicious.
I saw the way Renee reacted when Makenna collapsed on stage because she threw up too much. Renee freaked out and cried about it all, and I didn't want that scrutiny from her. So I varied my routine and kept her at arm's length. She already knew that I was angry with her over the entire situation with Edward anyway. So it wasn't hard to keep her at bay by being a bitch.
I wished I could just summon the courage to leave, just walk away from it all. But what would I have then? Nothing, I mean Edward was off doing his music and I would have nothing. I think it was that fear of giving it all up and still not having him that made me too scared to just say 'fuck it all' and walk away. I didn't want to be weak, I didn't want to cry out to him and beg him to make me all better. I didn't. I wanted to show him that I'm strong and worthy of his love. I can't do that if I walked away from the only thing I had right now. I can't show him I'm strong if I ran to him and begged him to allow me to tag along with him, without a job, a degree or any money. I would be dependent on him and that was not strong or healthy. So I stayed until he called me, until I knew that he needed me, I stayed and danced like a good little girl.
I stood up and stretched for two minutes before my alarm went off. I touched my toes and grabbed the backs of my calves. I pushed my body towards the floor and felt the muscles as they responded. I loved the response that I got from my body. To feel each muscle, tendon and my skin as it stretched and gave when I asked them to. My mind started to wander back to a time when my body responded to Edward's request as I did the familiar routine of stretches.
I loved the feel of Edward inside my body even more. Not that I had much experience to go on but that one time…it was indescribable. He pushed inside of me and just stayed there, still, not moving, just feeling. I felt my muscles respond to him then, they did what he asked of them. They formed to his will. I loved the way they hugged him and seemed to pull him in closer to me, deeper inside. I couldn't get enough.
I bent my legs out of the way and willed his body to simply settle down on top of mine. I wanted him to cover me and show me his warmth. To prove to me that this was real, that we were real. His muscles bent to my will as they slowly pushed his body against mine, we merged together. Our minds, our bodies and our love.
The physical act of love had always been something that most of my peers rushed towards as fast as they could. They wanted the instant gratification, the feel good aspect of it. I, however, wanted the connection, the soul deep realization that this person belonged to you and you belonged to them. There was only one person that would ever fill that spot, Edward. I never regretted waiting for him, I would never regret that he would be my only one. Because he was my only one, I would never love someone like I loved him.
Even if he chose to move on, to grow up and leave his childhood girlfriend behind, I would never. Someone else would always take a second place in my heart behind him. I don't know if that meant I would be alone if he moved on, I have no idea. I guess if I found the right person and they understood what I felt and loved me anyway, then I would like to think that I could make it work between us. But a small part of me screamed that I could never use someone that way and that is what I would be doing. Using them. I would use them to fill the loneliness and for someone to talk to when I got home in the evenings. That is not love, that is complacency. So I don't know.
I rushed through my shower as I realized that I had spent the last twenty minutes standing here as the water ran over me thinking about Edward. Part of me wanted to touch myself and remember but the other part screamed at me to keep our physical contact special. So I washed my hair instead.
I worried about him and where he was. If he ate enough, slept enough or stayed away from the drugs. Edward had an all or nothing type of personality. He was either all in or he gave nothing, that included the drugs. I tried to tell myself that he was careful, that he only did a little but I had seen him enough to know that it was not the case. I worried about the careless actions that his drug use led to. Was he sleeping around? Did he remember that we loved each other or was he taking whatever warm body he could to satisfy his needs?
I rushed to turn the water off and flopped down in front of the toilet. The thought of Edward's hands as they glided along someone else's body sickened me.
The way he skimmed his nose along my neck and kissed me just below my ear in the way that made me shiver. I couldn't imagine him doing that with anyone else. I vomited without help for the first time since I was about ten years old.
The look on his face as he closed his eyes and threw his head back in ecstasy caused a fresh round of bile to rise up as well. I continued to vomit until Renee pounded on the door.
"Bella, is that you? You okay?" Her voice sounded concerned but I'm certain it was because we were to vie for positions today and not for the actual fact that I was sick. She was worried that if I stayed home then I would have to take what was left over and not get a Prima placement.
"I'm fine, mom. I just ate something that didn't sit right on my stomach." I flushed the toilet and stood on shaky legs. After the towel was wrapped around me, I opened the door to find that she still stood in place listening to my every move. I turned around and began to brush my teeth. I knew that I shouldn't eat so soon but it was the only way I could get her to leave so I asked. "I think I need at least some toast to put on my stomach before I go and dance today, don't you?" Her face relaxed and she turned away to head back downstairs to see about my breakfast.
E/N: Remember we won't be here next week, we will see you again on April 3rd! Until then leave us some love!