I am so sorry that I need so long to update lately, but I really have a lot of stress in school - but that will be over soon. And then I will try to update more often.

I actually wrote this out of guilt even though I need to study for my text on Wednesday - well, I really needed some time off.

So, I hope you bare with me and enjoy this.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

Elbert Hubbard

---------------------------------

I just stood there, frozen apart from my body's temperature which was so very far from icy. Everything seemed so quiet and serene for a little while – in an ironic way even peaceful. There were no sounds, no movements, no scents – all my senses gone or at least out of my control. Not even my mind seemed to work properly. Neither joy nor sadness – not a single emotion touched me. It was just the row being inside of me, the little string that separates life from death.

And then it hit me.

She was gone again.

What struck me even more than that truth was the fact that this time I had no explanation. She seemed to slip through my fingers all too often and each time I would blame that leech for leaving her like this or myself for pushing her too far, for stepping over certain boundaries to which she held on to so desperately, for showing my feelings just a little too much.

But now there was no way for me to understand, no valid reason for her to leave once again, taking herself out of my life another time, leaving me here on my own with nothing to explain this trance-like state I was in. Nothing to hold onto.

What had I done wrong this time? Why did there never seem to be a way to make it right between the two of us?

I was patient and I knew I would always be. There was a simple thing that made me go on, that carried me through all this mess. It was knowing that the wait was worth it. One day, no matter how far from now, she would see, figure out what she had right in front of her. But from to time, especially in times like these in which I could not explain, I felt a little doubt boil somewhere in my heart – some place I had no control over, though it was not subconsciousness. I was just beyond me. The doubt that maybe I was not string enough to make her strong – to make her see sense, offer her what she really needed. Maybe, after all, I wasn't really what her life should be – I knew I wanted it, I knew that deep down she wanted it, too, I knew that, if I continued my path we would eventually be one day – but what I doubted in moments like these was the question whether or not it was really how things should be like. But somehow – no matter how wrecked up this whole things was – we always managed to go on, refusing to let go of what little we had.

And so I fought hard to keep those doubts out of my mind, the wish for what could be, if I was only strong enough, too strong itself, too controlling. It was all I wanted. There were a million things I could name which I could live without – things that were unessential, dull to me – but only one thing I knew I could never ever live without.

"Jake? You in there?"

I was back to reality in a flash, all my tensed muscles releasing at once, all my senses focusing again, organising all the lost details, everything I had missed during the short time since Bella's sudden departure.

"Jake?"

Apart from all my returning senses – my voice seemed lost somewhere in the blur of thoughts and rough signs of my beating heart and life-proving activities. I only now realized that my eyes were fixed on the door of my garage and not a second passed before I saw Quil appearing in the doorframe, his shorts hanging rather low on his hips, his white shirt in his hands – he had obviously just phased back. The look on his face was plain, somehow annoyed and before he stepped into my garage he turned his head over his shoulder and yelled into somewhere I could not see: "He's in here, man."

I heard a muffled sound, something that sounded like swearing and a second later Embry tripped into view, his hands busy with pulling his sweatpants back into place.

"Hey, Jake. Couldn't you just an – what's the matter with you? Did Quil drop his pants or why do you look as if you just faced your worst nightmare?"

The grin on his face vanished just as he finished his question and entered behind Quil, stepping half behind, half next to him, eying me with sudden concern.

"You okay? We saw Bella jump in her car. She looked just like you – everything alright between the two of you?"

Quil´s expression was serious but I recognized the way his voice was shaking, higher and deeper with each word, telling me that asking this question was still difficult for him. Apart from all the honest conversation we had had a few days ago, the topic "Bella" was still something that caused struggles between us – all of us. Not only Quil.

"It´s fine. Really. Just a little trouble. What do you want?" I asked, trying hard to maintain my mask – a a mask I had put on so often since Bella stepped into my life.

"You sure?" Embry asked almost shyly, his body partly hidden behind Quil´s.

I only nodded and turned around, away from them, from their faces – in some way I was scared. Scared that they would understand, see what was really going on. But I knew all too well that they already did – that there was nothing I could really hide from any of them for a longer time. That was something I still had to get used to – something I would probably never accept. The interference to my private life – my thoughts – it was inhuman and disgracing. Thoughts, dreams, visions – all that should be the only things in the world, no matter how immaterial they are, to belong to no one else but you – human kind's last real secret. Everything seemed to be so much easier when kept in your mind, away from the brutal and unsparing influence of words and actions. As soon as spoken out nothing could ever be a secret again, never be unmade. But this was taken from me, this very last shelter from the inner war that ruled the world of mankind. I was an open book, nothing about or inside of me ever mine alone.

"Well, anyways – we just came to check on you. Sam said you left patrol early last night and – yeah, well you know him. Maybe you should talk to him," Quil said in a matter-of-fact voice, almost mechanically only to avoid the subject he knew I would refuse to discuss, neither did I think was he too eager to once again listen to my torn and confused mind, filled with anger, pain and passion – all mixed together until I could not be sure myself what I actually felt.

"I will, later," I said calmly, my voice just as plain as Quil´s had been.

It took me another minute of silence before I had to give in to the recognition that trying to avoid my best friends by staring at the shiny hood of my Rabbit was first of all childish, secondly cowardly and thirdly completely in vain. The knew already – so why trying to pretend they didn't and hide in such a pathetic way?

I turned around to face them again only to see that neither of them had moved an inch since I last looked. Embry was staring at me and the moment I turned around our eyes met and I immediately felt a strange and foreign warmth running through my veins, a connection I had never felt towards him before. It was almost like looking into a mirror, a strange reflection of the way I was feeling visible in Embry´s features and I wondered whether or not I looked like this as well. We did not break eye-contact, instead we just kept staring at each other – or better: at ourselves.

"Damn, I'm late already!"

Quil´s voice broke the silence and the eye-contact. I mustered Quil who was suddenly very eagerly trying to pull his shirt over his head while already stumbling toward the door.

"I need ti go. Sam ordered me – Emily's nieces are coming over for a visit and they're going to the beach. So Sam ordered me to look after them. He's so overprotecting sometimes, man. I swear that guy will turn out to be one of those monster-dad's who follow their daughters everywhere and do polygraph test with their boyfriends. Anyways, you can be sure I'll just end up babysitting those girls – and you both now how much I adore toddlers. What are their names again? Stella and Clara?"

Quil talked so fast that it was hard for me to really catch what he tried to tell me and his still shirt-covered mouth did not help the slightest – it only made the disgusted sound he made after his toddler-comment sound even more ridiculous.

"Claire, Quil. Her name is Claire," Embry said with an evil grin on his face and when Quil finally managed to put on his shirt properly he turned to face us again.

"Well, who cares? I'll better hurry up or Sam will kick the shit out of me. See you!" he blurted out and then he disappeared.

"Sometimes I think he's really scared of Sam," Embry said with a shy laughter and I turned to face him again, the grin on his face vanishing again.

"You really okay, Jake?"

"I don´t know, really. But it will be okay. I know that much."

"Why did she leave? Did you fight?"

Normally I would have avoided those questions but the honest concern in Embry´s eyes and the strange connection I saw in his eyes softened my mood.

"I have no idea, to be honest. But it´s okay, Embry. I'll figure it out."

Embry eyed me with doubt for a second before he apparently settled with my answer and nodded.

"We haven't really talked in ages, man. I'm really sorry. All this – it´s kinda growing over my head," I said with a smile on my lips, attempting to appear a little more content than I actually felt.

"It´s okay. Totally understand that."

"So… what's there with you and Leah? Why are all the other's bugging you with that? Leah just block as usual and you – you just don´t do anything. What's going on there?"

Embry´s expression broke down at my words and his eyes dropped to the rather dirty floor of my garage. "There's nothing," he muttered and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweats. I knew he was lying – it was all too obvious and so I stepped a little closer and put my hand on his left shoulder.

"Hey, man. Tell me you don´t want to talk about it – I'll accept that. But don´t lie, okay?"

Hesitantly he lifted his head to face me again and the pain in his eyes made me shudder.

"I… well… I like her… a lot… somehow… Jake… I have no idea… maybe… I guess I fell…. Well, you know… it´s all so… I think… I love her… somehow…"