(8:04 a.m.)

Yokozawa knocked on the door and waited.

No one responded.

He checked the text on his phone.

Yeah. 2401. It should be the correct street. He couldn't help second guessing himself.

He rubbed his blurry eyes, wondering what his limit was. He was probably close to collapsing considering he had thought his shoe was a phone ten minutes ago.

College was hell. He wanted sleep. He wanted junk food. He wanted to down a dozen cans of ice cold beers and then knock out, but he wanted, more than anything, to see Masamune.

The thought of him always undoubtedly cleared his mind.

Takano Masamune.

Was he eating alright? Was he sleeping enough? Did he feel comfortable? Would he be able to catch up with school assignments? Did he have clothes with him? Was he smiling? Was he laughing? Was he okay?

He took in a sharp, painful breath.

Yokozawa knocked again, furrowing his brow before letting his fingers run over the area on his face. Did he really look that intimidating when he did that?

He sighed. What was this?

He drummed his fingers against his thigh and tapped his foot restlessly.

Onodera and Oda.

Finally the door opened.

Onodera-san looked slightly ruffled and his green eyes were downcast.

Yokozawa still couldn't get over how tired and suffocated this person seemed.

So delicate and nervous. Was it because he was hiding a secret?

"Ah. So I came to visit Masamune."

'Y-yeah...Yokozawa-san..." His voice was soft and he couldn't seem to look Yokozawa in the eyes.

All of the sudden a feeling of dread rushed over Yokozawa, "I-is he okay?! Where's Masamune? Ho-"

"I'm fine." Saga lounged against the wall at the entrance way. He gave Yokozawa a wry smile. "So? Come on in."

Ritsu moved aside and smiled softly, "Please come in, Yokozawa-san. Sorry for the mess. Did you have breakfast yet? We were just eating."

Yokozawa noticed the slight scent of food. It smelled good.

'Yeah. Thanks..." Yokozawa slipped off his shoes and entered the apartment, watching Masamune the whole time.

Masamune seemed...just...fragile.

The atmosphere seemed a bit tense and Yokozawa cursed himself. He shouldn't have listened to Masamune. He should've skipped school to stay with him. What was a couple days of school compared to a second with a Masamune?

Masamune.

Something must have happened between them.

Onodera-san had even confessed to being in love with him.

That wasn't even half the problem...this guy was getting more and more suspicious by the second. After that phone call...well hell, the two even had the same last name, not to mention similar features.

And Yokozawa started to wonder why Onodera-san had never told him what his first name was. Was he Od-Onodera Ritsu's cousin? Brother? Was he here to continue mocking Masamune?

But from what he had heard, Od-Onodera Ritsu was an only child...so how...was it coincidence and he was blaming an innocent man?

But he didn't believe that such an outrageous coincidence could have happened.

Yet if the usual Yokozawa would've dragged an answer out of Onodera-san, he couldn't now. Not now while Masamune seemed so...

He stared his friend down.

Masamune was draped in black, his shoulders seemed slightly hunched and his black hair covered his eyes a little. His skin was as pale as ever. He seemed to have a distant atmosphere around him. He hadn't met Yokozawa's eyes after telling him to come in. Usually he was all sunshine and sarcasm.

Masamune and Onodera sat down at the table offering Yokozawa a chair and they sat in a long awkward silence.

Yokozawa hated moments like these. He was a pretty awkward person himself and he had no idea how to release the tension, and more over, he didn't know whether to be polite to Onodera-san or not, whether to trust him or not.

He wanted to consult Masamune...yet what if that threw Masamune's mind into a mess all over again. He didn't need to be reminded of Oda Ritsu anymore.

Who was this person?

Was Masamune okay?

Did this person try to hurt Masamune?

Was...Masamune falling in love with him?

Yokozawa had seen, even through Masamune's bitter, gloomy demeanor, how his eyes would soften a little, and how his gold eyes would glow a little at the sight or mention of Onodera-san.

Was that why he was suspecting Onodera-san? He was scared of losing Masamune?

Yokozawa had always had trouble separating fact from opinion. It had led to many brash self righteous actions and many more humiliating events.

Not to mention that he was unbelievably awkward at the worst times.

Like now...but finally, unable to take his painful thoughts or the heavy silence, he forced out a question: "Have you been sleeping enough, Masamune?

Saga looked up through a mouthful of food, "That's all I've been doing lately"

Yokozawa squinted disbelievingly at the bags underneath Takano's eyes.

"You still look like a panda though."

"I know I'm cute and round, Yokozawa. You don't have to praise me."

"You're neither."

"I think I have the qualifications. I sleep and eat and laze around while other people stare at how cute I am. Sounds like a panda to me ."

"The only similarity is that there won't be any pandas or you left on this earth at this rate."

"That's only because people steal my bamboo."

"No one's stealing your bamboo. You're the one burning your own bamboo down."

"Wha-"

"Look. You need food and sleep to survive."

"You're so stiff Yokozawa. You didnt have to go and end our metaphor so soon."

"You didn't have to try to kill yourself so soon."

There was a quiet silence.

Ritsu grimaced, unable to keep shove away his fear or his need to burst out laughing from his anxiety.

"...aha...haa..." He gave Yokozawa a smile that looked as bitter and helpless as it possibly could.

"...Sorry Masamune."

It seemed to echo a little.

Don't die.

Don't die, Masamune.

"About what? It's fine." Saga replied nonchalantly with a slight shrug between bites.

It seemed like he didn't want to talk.

There was a long awkward pause.

If Onodera hadn't been here, Yokozawa would've shaken a response out of him.

But...Yokozawa had never felt so helpless, so confused before. What could he do for Masamune?

The silence continued as Saga continued chewing, meeting no one's eyes.

Finally, Onodera smiled politely at Yokozawa. "So how's school for you? What are you majoring in?"

Yokozawa tore his eyes away from Masamune's figure to stare at Onodera in surprise, "Oh. Uh...business..." Could his person really be that crafty or cruel?

Onodera played dumb and smiled, "Oh what kind of company are you interested in working for?"

Yokozawa shrugged. "I've been looking at publishing companies. I like books."

There was another long silence as the conversation stalled.

Onodera stared at Yokozawa for a moment. The man seemed agitated. He was almost as tired looking as Takano-san.

He was wearing rumpled clothing and he had bags under his eyes.

And the whole time, he just kept staring at Takano-san as the other man slowly ate his food ignoring the distress of those around him.

Finally, Onodera couldn't take it anymore and stood up and declared he was done eating

"Yokozawa, if you get hungry, feel free to take some food too. Otherwise, I'm going to go do some laundry. If you need anything, Takano-san should know where it is."

Throughout the whole exchange, Onodera and Masamune had barely acknowledged each other's presence. What had happened?

Yokozawa nodded and the moment Onodera stepped out of sight, Yokozawa blurted out, "I'm sorry about before. Are you okay?"

Saga played dumb, "Yeah same as always. Why're you freaking out?"

"Liar."

"I'm not."

"What happened just before I came?"

"Nothing."

"Masamune."

"What? Want some eggs?"

"No. I don't want some eggs."

"Salad then?"

"NO."

Saga sighed and then in an unbelievably nonchalant and petulant tone, said, "Fine. If I really have to share my bacon, then..."

"Masamune!"

Yokozawa could feel the heat rising to his face and the slight sting of tears in his eyes.

"Stop...stop joking around. Stop acting like you're fine when you're not. You don't need to act around me."

It was humiliating a grown man crying...yet he was so tired...so frustrated. What could he do for Masamune? Who was Onodera? How could he take even one step when that might be the one to push Masamune off that cliff?

Takano pursed his lips a little.

"...aha...I'm...I guess you really know me too well. Sorry, Yokozawa...I just...could me run away just...for a little longer?"

"..."

Masamune had on that same slight, faint, smile that made him seem to fade away a little.

"...I'll wait then. I'm here for you."

Masamune looked at him in the eyes, finally,

"Thanks."

"You're always welcome..." For the moment, Yokozawa breathed a sigh of relief, "So for school. Forgetting that you had already been skipping, do you wanna come to a seminar today? It's called, "How to make your cat play fetch."

Yokozawa got a slight, mischievous grin out of Takano for his efforts.

"Sounds interesting."

And even though Yokozawa was worried, this familiar crooked smile of Masamune's warmed his heart to no end.

Onodera heaved the basket of clothes through the hallway and dumped them on the bed.

He picked up Takano-san's shirt and sunk his face into the still warm, soft cloth, and breathed in.

It smelled nothing like the person he loved.

It smelled like detergent and cotton.

How easily traces of a person could be erased.

Onodera bit his lip, trying to push back those tears again.

"Ah..ha..haa..." His hands shook as he folded the clothes and they threatened to drop the clean clothing.

Why had Takano-san pushed him away?

Had he done something wrong?

But Takano-san had been laughing...he had been smiling...he had been so childish and sweet...had he done something wrong?

Onodera rubbed his eyes, forcing the bitter tears back.

His hands trembled a little.

If love, if knowledge was the searing thoughts that burned inside his mind, leaving behind scars that ached at every reminder, then...how could he still wish for it?

How could he wake up everyday wanting this delusion?

Because it didn't matter, right?

Love was a lie. It would eventually end anyway. What was the purpose of all this struggle? When it would all come out to nothing anyway? It wasn't like Takano-san would actually love him. It wasn't like he was good enough to be able to change Takano-san...

Ritsu sobbed and it came out as a laugh. He was scared again. He didn't want to deal with the consequences so he was justifying his escape.

The answer was obvious anyway.

Because it didn't matter how it ended It didn't matter what was or wasn't possible. He could never give up on that one chance, of one extra smile, of one extra day with Takano-san.

He couldn't give up, not when it had to do with the person he loved above anyone else.

He wouldn't let him disappear.

The thought of not seeing his gold eyes twinkle slightly, not hearing him whisper loving words, not hearing his soft laughter, not hearing him scold Onodera, not hearing his sarcastic, angry words as he pulled him away from a female office worker, not touching his soft black hair, not feeling the heat of his wide back, not seeing his focused figure, staring at manuscripts, not getting random texts and phone calls, telling him to eat...all those stupid little things...how could...how could Ritsu take losing that?

It was just another person.

Yet how could he make him hurt so much?

Onodera slowly, slowly, carefully folded the clothes and put them away.

Slowly. Slowly. Each movement was careful as he folded the clothes and his pain away.

Once he was done, he went to check on them in the dining room.

Maybe...maybe if Onodera couldn't save Takano-san, he could do his best to make sure Yokozawa-san did.

Onodera walked in to see the two young men washing dishes and splashing water at each other with serious, competitive expressions.

Takano splashed Yokozawa.

Yokozawa elbowed him and splashed back bigger.

Takano stepped on Yokozawa's foot and scooped up water in a dish and drenched Yokozawa.

Before long, both men were drenched and the dishes were still dirty.

"Are you two five?"

And a moment after Onodera used that exasperated tone, he felt his stomach lurch. Was this okay? Was this careless banter okay? Or would the sarcastic tone upset Takano-san? Should he have said it more gently? Would he prefer if Onodera avoided him from now on? Or did he want him to act normally? Was this okay?

Takano responded quickly, 'Five year olds couldn't make such an impressive mess."

Onodera swallowed and then replied, with a snarky tone, "Don't act like you're proud of it."

"Can't you be supportive of me?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat again. "I couldn't ever support that huge ego of yours."

"Must be because you get weak knees at the sight of me."

Onodera clenched his fists. "I have an ulcer from the stress you're causing me."

Yokozawa stared at the two men and their banter, awkwardly, overwhelmingly embarrassed at the mess he had made at a complete stranger's house.

"S-sorry."

Onodera's sarcastic tone did a 180 as he replied, "Don't worry about it. Here, there're some clean clothes on the bed. You can pick any that are there. Takano-san knows where the towels are so go dry off, you two."

"But what about the plates?"

"Don't worry. You're my guests. You shouldn't have been doing plates in the first place. Oh, Yokozawa-san, you had some food? Was it good?" Onodera smiled politely.

"Yes. Very...thanks. Sorry for the mess. Again."

Yokozawa elbowed Takano-san.

"Yeah. What he said. Sorry."

Onodera laughed a little, but it sounded unnatural to Saga.

Before the two left the room, Yokozawa mentioned, "Ah hey, so we were planning on going to a seminar at our college later today."

"...oh okay."

For a moment, Yokozawa thought Masamune would invite him or that Onodera-san would ask to come. But there was only silence. Whether he was relieved at it or not, He didn't know. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he followed behind Masamune and felt the cool smooth surface of his phone.

He clenched it tightly in his hand, gritting his teeth.

That person...to make Masamune suffer this much...

Saga found a T-shirt and some jeans that he deemed acceptable and started changing, shoving away those thoughts that wouldn't go away.

He had managed to act normal enough in front of Yokozawa.

He slid on the warm clothes and breathed in. This was one of Onodera's shirts. He couldn't stop his heart from beating a little faster or the little smile that spread across his lips as he grinned happily to himself at the thought of being a little closer to Onodera, at the thought of his little secret connection...Saga clutched the collar of the shirt and let out a rough barking laugh with his face screwed up into a grimace.

Before the thoughts could overrun him, he started humming one of those inane commercial songs. It's repetitive tune calmed him for the moment.

He ran his fingers over the scabs on his skin.

It didn't belong on the rest of his rough, yet flexible skin.

It was hard, yet smooth, concealing everything underneath.

Saga recalled the candy, the image was so distant and blurry in his memories, yet his reaction and the sharp pain he had felt from it was so fresh.

How was he supposed to react to being loved?

How could he be vulnerable again?

He would never get rid of the pain of one love...how could he survive another?

But...he didn't know. One moment, everything was possible, everything was beautiful.

The next, he was breaking apart.

He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know what the future would bring.

Why couldn't someone tell him what would happen in the future?

It was bitter. This love.

(11:40 a.m.)

Yokozawa and Takano-san burst out laughing the moment they walked out of the auditorium.

"Holy crap. What was that?"

"That guy-"

"And he -"

"I can't believe-"

"I don't think that's even possible for Sorata!"

They burst into a fit of giggles, almost unable to walk.

Yokozawa couldn't help but feel elated. Whether he was lightheaded from this joy or from lack of sleep, he didn't know, but it felt so good to laugh with Masamune, to see him smile.

And it felt so good to know that Yokozawa still knew what to do, what to say to make this person who was so important to him, laugh.

He gave a slight grin to Masamune and was about to say something when they were suddenly interrupted by a soft, high voice calling out.

"Ah Takano-san!"

They turned in unison to see a gorgeous girl with a full figure, her shoulders draped in her long lustrous black hair that shaded her large sweet brown eyes that stared at the two men nervously.

Her cheeks were slightly flushed and she paused to catch her breath.

In that moment, Saga tried to figure out what her name was. He squinted a little.

Miyako? Ayako? Ayaka? Miyami?...was it Mika? Yeah...maybe...

"ah...um...I wanted to-well-could I um...talk to you alone?"

With a dazed realization, he understood her purpose and he didn't know why...because he had never cared before, but this time, he wanted to disappear. Make it so she had never caught sight of him, so that he could turn invisible, so that he could stop time. Yet usually, he would take them home once and then when he got bored, break up with them. But now, he swallowed the bile in his throat and tried to relax his tense body.

Love.

He stared at her, his golden eyes distant and her's imploring.

He then turned to Yokozawa, "Sorry, wait for me at the cafe?"

Yokozawa wanted to step in and stop this. How could someone come up now, right when Masamune was so confused about love, whether romantic or familial, and be so selfish as to confess as to throw his mind into a mess again? Obviously she had no idea of this, yet...he couldn't help but feel a bitter burning hatred inside himself for her.

Yokozawa wasn't a violent person, yet for once...he want to shove her aside...slap her and yell at her to get the fuck away from Masamune...because...he was his...

He glared coldly at the girl before giving Masamune a curt nod and slowly, so slowly turning to walk away.

Saga and the girl walked out slowly to the garden and she suddenly stopped and turned to him.

Her eyes were wide and her movements jittery as she stuttered, "I-I like you...um...Will you go out with me?"

"..."

She stared at him with her big brown eyes, eyes that he wished he could fall in love with to forget everything.

"...sorry..."

He let his eyes be shaded by his black bangs and he shoved his hands into his pockets uncomfortably.

"D-do you have someone that you like?"

"...yeah..."

She then proceeded to burst into tears.

He stood there awkwardly. "You'll find someone better."

She looked up through her tears and then started crying louder as she whimpered before running away.

Saga stared at where she had stood; stared at the trees and the bushes and blooming flowers and the peaceful world that was there...and then turned around with a sigh, hunching his back again.

(1:24 p.m.)

Saga was silent as Yokozawa and he wandered by a shopping district.

"So...what happened?"

"...I rejected her."

"And?"

"She cried." Saga didn't see what was worth crying over. Was he worth crying over? Was his love worth wanting? It didn't seem like Oda had wanted it. Why did Onodera want it? Did he still love him? Would he want it ten years from now?

"Oh...well...you know women...always insane and emotional..."

"...if you're trying to cheer me up by slandering women, you're failing miserably."

"...well...you know men...always blunt and prideful."

"...oh shut up Yokozawa." But Saga laughed a little anyways.

They ended up wandering through shopping districts with Yokozawa relentlessly dragging him to place after place and Saga was unable to refuse.

And it was fun.

After a few hours Saga sat down on a public bench and insisted that he would not be getting up for another hour. Yokozawa grinned and replied, "I'll go get us some drinks. Black coffee?"

Saga smiled. "Thanks." Yokozawa always remembered his likes and dislikes. He would be hard pressed to find a friend better than Yokozawa.

It was pretty cold and he hunched his shoulders, rubbing his hands together as he looked around.

There was a young mother pushing her child around cooing to the round ball of laughter.

There were a group of girls giggling.

Some children running around.

A few friends on skateboards.

Neighborhood mothers shopping for groceries.

A couple on a date...the girl was actually really pretty...she seemed familiar as she latched herself onto the guys arm, flirting shamelessly...ahhh...right...

Those big brown eyes and that long black hair.

Saga burst out laughing, bitterly, and laughing, just laughing.

He hadn't laughed so much in a while.

He remembered when he was a kid. His laughter, his crying, so loud that his mother would threaten to slap him.

Since when did his laughter and tears stop making a sound?

It honestly sounded more like choking, more like he was hyperventilating than anything

He covered his face with his hands. How shameful. How stupid. How weak.

Silent tears streamed down his face before he even knew it...since when did he cry so much...so often...he took in shaky breath after shaky breath...

Liar.

She probably had some reason that he didn't understand.

Liar.

He had rejected her anyway. What right did he have to get upset?

Liar.

Oda Ritsu.

Liar.

Onodera Ritsu.

Why the hell was he so worthless? Why couldn't he ever keep the people he loved?

They never loved him anyway.

Right.

This was love.

Right...

He could feel the world turning into smoke again.

And he ached for something that would burn him.

He slowly got up, dazed as he wandered slowly, trudging into the darkness of his mind.

And he ached for something that would cause him to burst into flames, so he could disappear into the wind.

(6:26 p.m.)

He wandered.

It was dark.

The streetlamps flickered.

Yokozawa kept on yelling.

His rings were earrings.

Left. Right. Right. Wrong. The sidewalk was funny. It felt sort lumpy to his cheek.

The world was spinning.

"Masamune! Get yourself together!"

He opened the door. 2401. Oh it was a door, not the sidewalk.

He smelled the scent of freshly cut grass and the ocean and felt the warm sand underneath his feet.

"Look at me! Hey!"

He lifted his heavy feet. They had turned into trees with roots.

He tripped and knocked over a chair. And then got up to trip over the couch and fell on top of Yokozawa.

Green eyes.

The scent of old, yellowing books.

I love you Saga sempai.

Warm sunlight.

The sound of people playing soccer outside.

Takano-san

Konpeito. I wish...I wish...that Mommy would love me.

Masamune!

Takano-san

Arms wrapped around him.

Words, so sweet they must have been lies.

I love you Saga sempai

Cherry blossoms

Saga laid there and cried until his eyes has nothing left to give.

Day 15 (12: 17 a.m.)

Saga woke up with a ringing head, stiff skin where his tears had fallen, a runny nose, and pile of blankets over him. On top of the pile, there was even Yokozawa's jacket.

He heard someone in the bathroom. Yokozawa? Or Onodera?

At the moment, his whole body was tense. He didn't want to see them.

Not anyone anymore.

He pushed the thick blankets off and something fell onto the floor.

Yokozawa's must have been in the jacket pocket. He figured he could leave it there, but it suddenly started vibrating as it received a text.

Saga dazedly picked it up.

It was just from a school mate.

"Can I borrow your notes? Sorry. Sleeping in class. :P"

Saga was about to snap the phone close, but he caught of glimpse of another text...the word...Oda Ritsu.

He opened up the conversation.

There were numerous texts yet all he could see was those ten numbers.

Everything else was blurred out and he caught his breath.

Was this real?

Oda Ritsu.

His mind felt blank.

Saga felt dizzy. The names...? The number?

For a moment it didn't matter. He just wanted to call him.

For a moment, he realized...this was Yokozawa's phone...what was...

He blinked and his hands trembled.

He had to type in the number several times before he finally got it right.

He realized he wasn't breathing.

He was frozen again.

The phone started ringing and his heart beat was pounding so loudly he could feel the blood rushing through him.

He picked up.

"Hey! Mom, c'mon I said I was going to hang out with Aya. No, we're not dating! She's just a friend. And Haru's going to be there anyway."

"Hello...?" Saga whispered softly at the sound of a voice so heartbreakingly familiar.

"Yes. She's a girl, but-ah um sorry...hi. This is Onodera Ritsu speaking. Who is this?"