The Twilight series is the property of Stephenie Meyer - No copyright infringement is intended.

This entire fic is dedicated to JAustenlover.

The Second I Awake

~ * ~

Jasper Whitlock

I've just hung up with my mom when Brady walks through my open door. He's wearing his mortarboard and a black t-shirt that says: "I'm ready to get fucked by The Man." It's way too early the morning of our graduation, and I'm trying to muster the energy for all the pomp and circumstance.

I laugh and nod toward his chest. "Your mom seen that?"

"Hah, yeah right. This one's from the private collection. I suppose I have to make myself presentable for when they get here," he says, laughing. "I can't wait 'til this shit is over. I'd pass on the whole thing, but I don't want to make my mom cry."

"She'll probably cry anyway, but yeah, this is part of the passage, buddy. Tassel's supposed to be on the right, by the way." I open my closet and pull out a dress shirt and pants and toss them on the bed. "My parents and sister are still at the hotel, but they'll be here shortly. Yours here yet?"

"They're headed over, too. My sister has already been asking about Lucy. Listen, I just came because I realized I don't have a good tie, you got one I can borrow? Just a solid color. Apparently, I don't wear ties very often."

I reopen my closet and pull out a black tie. "You know you don't have to wear one. I'm not."

"Yeah, I guess I just want to look sharp for my big day. It's taking a lot of self control not to wear a keyboard tie though, I'll admit. Again, we're aiming at not making mom cry. Not sad tears, anyway."

I shake my head and toss him the tie. He nods his thank-you and then he takes a step back toward the door. He stops and lingers in the frame, his face turning serious. "So, uh... You know," he starts, before stepping back inside and closing the door, "that Pete's sister is here, right? As in...in this building. You seen her yet?"

I bristle a little at the mention of her, but I know why Brady is bringing it up. He knows that I talked to Peter about wanting to see her when she got here, and he knows exactly how that talk went. This time there was no physical violence, but I was told to keep my distance. It was the only conversation I'd had with Peter since that night at the bar, and while I fucking hated that our relationship had disintegrated so completely, I couldn't stop myself from pushing it further. I'd hoped that he'd softened a little bit and would at least let me talk to her, but he refused. So, since she arrived the other day, I've made myself scarce, respecting Peter's wishes.

What Brady doesn't know about, or probably Peter either, is the voicemail I got from Bella earlier in the month. I would have told Brady, if anything had come of it, but she was drunk, possibly very drunk, when she left it and when I called her back the next day, she didn't pick up and then she never returned my message. Though it was something akin to torture, that voicemail, I listened to it about a thousand times and dissected every word, every breath, every bit of background noise.

"Jasper, hey. It's Bella. I mean, you probably knew it was me, but just in case you deleted my number or weren't sure, I thought I'd tell you. So, yeah, it's Bella...and I just wanted to call and tell you that I'm sorry I haven't called and I shouldn't even really be calling now, but I was just thinking about you...and I wanted to and...and I really miss you and I'm just sorry that I can't talk to you, but it's...I'm sorry, I think I'm a little drunk, Jasper. I think I need to go back to sleep...Bye, Jasper."

Before she says goodbye, she sighs, and I've created a whole world around that sigh. That sigh feels like the reason I get out of bed sometimes, because I hear some sort of longing in it. The apologies because she can't talk, because she shouldn't be talking to me...they make me think it's not her choice, or not totally her choice, and they are the reason I talked to Peter...the reason I fucked things up even more with him by asking if I could see her today, if I could talk to her...anything. I wonder if, or maybe just hope that, her not calling me back is due to the same reason I haven't been around much since she arrived on campus.

At first, I was angry at Peter for a lot of things, but the more I thought about it, the more I understood him. He found out what happened with Bella and me in Forks in probably the worst possible way, and then he had to deal with it, on top of all the other shit he'd been dealing with. I know that Peter's always been pretty protective of Bella, so I guess it shouldn't have surprised me, the way he flipped out when he found out all this shit was happening behind his back. The only thing I am still angry about is that he told Bella about Maria without even knowing what, if anything, there was to tell, and the idea that he might be keeping her away from me, the way he's keeping me from her. That and the fact that neither of them has given me the opportunity to defend, or at the very least, explain myself.

"Nope. I'm hanging back, as instructed." I try to keep my voice casual, but whenever I think about how close she is, I can feel my anxiety levels rising.

"It's just today, just this morning, and then you're in the clear. You'll be hanging out with your folks this afternoon right?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yep. I'm getting a big fucking steak dinner for not dying or failing out. I better get back and get ready, I'm meeting my parents on the common. Find us when you find yours, okay?"

"Sounds good, I'll see you in a bit."

"Thanks again for queer-eying me."

I laugh and he salutes me and ducks out, closing the door behind him. I get dressed quickly and at the last minute, I decide to throw on a tie as well. If Brady's wearing one, that probably means I should, too. I put on the green UO tie my mother bought me sophomore year, knowing it'll make her happy to see me finally wearing it. Just as I finish tying it, she calls to let me know they'll be down in front of the building soon. I take one last look in the mirror and push my hair back because I can already hear her telling me to get it out of my eyes and lamenting the length. I almost got it cut before they came, so I wouldn't have to listen to her complain, but I remembered what Bella said about liking it, and I thought if I did happen to run into her...

I shake my head and let the thought die before completion. Right now, I am pretty sure seeing her won't do me any good, even if she likes my fucking hair. I grab the cap and gown off my desk and head into the hall. I start toward the elevators but then stop and turn the other way to head to the stairwell, just in case.

The fire escape opens to the right side of the building and when I turn the corner I spot my family right away, straight ahead at the far end of the common. As I make my way to them, I shrug into my gown and scan the crowd. I hesitate for a second when I see the back of Peter's head, and then my gaze shifts immediately to his right. I see her long, dark hair and almost instantly I can smell it, feel it between my fingers. I'm inordinately pleased to see her in something other than black; her bright blue summery dress looks amazing against her hair and skin. I feel like my brain forms the vision of her quicker than my eyes can even take it all in; I've been picturing her, her every angle and curve, for so long that I could very well be hallucinating.

My heart pounds and I can feel my pulse in my hands and fingers. My tie suddenly feels too tight and my gown feels heavy and too warm. I glance at Peter and he's still facing forward, talking to Eli's and Brady's families. This gives me more time to look at her as I try desperately to keep my feet moving in a straight line toward my family. I need to see her face, I need to touch her, and I'm trying to find some strength somewhere to stop myself. That reserve I've been tapping since I left Forks seems to have unexpectedly run dry at the sight of her. I glance back at my family, and my mother and sister are smiling and waving at me as if they've been trying to call my attention to them, as if they're thinking I've been searching the crowd for them.

Their happy and anxious expressions give me that little bit of strength I'm seeking. I refocus on them and quicken my pace, but it feels like I am walking through mud and the path to Bella is dry land. I rub my hands through my hair and then suddenly I am standing in front of my mother and she's reaching out with both arms. I lean over to hug her and when I pull back she smiles and looks me over.

"Look at you! So handsome. Lucy, take a picture of your brother."

I shake hands with my father and hope he gives me a pass on my clammy palm. He's big on a proper handshake, but maybe he'll think I'm nervous about the ceremony. My mom moves next to me for a photo, but I turn and look back toward Bella, not wanting to lose sight of her for too long in case she disappears again. It's at precisely the wrong time because I make eye contact with Peter, and he doesn't look very fucking happy. We lock eyes for a second before he turns around again.

"Jasper, usually you look at the camera when someone is taking a picture," Lucy whines.

I turn back and I'm not sure if I even smile, but she takes the picture and doesn't complain.

My dad is saying things and I feel like I'm underwater or something because I can't really make any of it out. I turn again and this time I see Peter and Bella walking away from everyone toward the quad, except it looks like Bella is struggling to keep up with him, and his arm is around her shoulders. I don't know if he's pushing her or if I just want to believe that - if I want to believe that she doesn't want to walk away from me. I glance back to where they were standing and Brady is watching me. I can't tell what he's trying to tell me with his expression, all I know is I can feel myself getting angry.

"Jasper, did you want to go talk to your friends? I thought Peter might come over and say hello. Did you want to go talk to him?"

"I, uh...no, Mom, I..." I have no idea what I'm saying to my mother because my attention is bouncing between Peter and Bella and Brady. When I can't stand it anymore I squeeze my mom's shoulder and step away from the three of them. "I'll be right back, okay?" I say as I step backwards in the direction that Peter and Bella are walking. My mom nods but she looks confused. I don't have time to even make something up so I just hold up my index finger to signal that I'll only be a minute, and then I turn and sprint toward the quad.

Pete and Bella have covered considerable ground but they are only walking and I'm jogging now, so I manage to make it more than halfway between them and my parents when I feel a hand grip my shoulder and pull me back.

"Easy, Whitlock. Now is not the time," Brady says, his grip tightening until I come to a full stop.

I just stand for a moment and watch as Bella shakes Peter off and they stop, too. "He's being a dick. I can tell he's being a fucking dick still, Brady."

"I know, but you need to fucking let it go for now, Jasper. You don't want to make a scene, it'll only upset Bella. It's Peter's graduation, too...just let it go for now."

I try to slow my breathing as I watch them talking and then Peter glances toward Brady and me. A second later Bella's gaze follows his, and whatever I had left in me...whatever resistance or self-control, just seems to evaporate. I see her face for the first time in months and it just fucking kills me and fills my heart up simultaneously. Brady continues to try and talk me down, but like before with my father, I don't register a single word.

My eyes travel over her body quickly and land on Peter's hand wrapped around her elbow. I look back up at her and I can't possibly believe I am imagining the look in her eyes. I can't tell if it's pleading or apologizing, but whatever it is, it doesn't say "stay away." I feel my face heat up because it doesn't make sense; her actions, or lack thereof, over the last eight weeks completely contradict what I see in her expression. And then I remember the last voicemail.

Peter's voice is raised and while I'm not really paying attention to him either, I look at him and frown because he's really starting to piss me off. I look back at Bella and I just need her to tell me that she wants me to go over there. I feel myself leaning forward, prepared to take the first step, when she turns back to Peter.

"Just turn around, man. Your fucking family is here, watching. Do you want to explain this? Just let him have today."

I know Brady is right, but I'm just so fucking weak right now. I'm exhausted and there's no fight left. I just want to give in and I want her to give in, and I don't give a fuck about anything else. Bella glances over her shoulder and my pulse reacts instantly, but all too quickly I'm looking at the back of her head again as Peter guides her toward the quad.

I feel Brady's hand on my bicep and he tugs, trying to nudge me in the direction of my family. "C'mon, let's go."

I give in and let him lead me back for a second before I shake his arm off. "All right, I'm going. Just get the fuck off." I move quickly past him and don't bother looking back. I feel like shit for taking my frustration out on him, and I understand that he's trying to help, but right now I don't want anyone touching me, don't want anyone talking to me. I just want to get my diploma and get the fuck out of Washington.

When I get back to my parents and sister, my mom is looking even more confused than before. Lucy rolls her eyes, the understanding teenager that she is, and my father steps forward.

"Everything all right, son?" His tone isn't one of concern. He's not asking about my feelings and he doesn't want an explanation. He's telling me to step in line.

"Yeah, sorry, just a misunderstanding, sir," I offer, my lame attempt at a casual brush-off.

"Should we head over now?" my mother asks, seemingly placated.

"Yeah, let's go."

As we head toward the quad, I look over to see Brady and his family several yards away, walking in the same direction. He offers me a half-smile and it seems as though he's not holding any sort of a grudge against me for my foul attitude a few minutes ago. I return as much of the smile as I can muster and then turn to face forward again.

During the ceremony, I turn several times to scan the audience in search of Bella, but I can't find her amongst the rows of parents, siblings and friends. At the end of our row, Brady leans forward and gives me a pointed look, so I make a conscious effort not to turn again. However, I can't turn my mind off, and it replays the scene on the common over and over. I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if Brady hadn't held me back, when I hear the name Swan called and my attention snaps to the stage. As I watch Peter cross the stage, the expression on his face does not match those of our classmates who walked before him. The dean shakes his hand firmly and then leans into him slightly, and his lips move quickly. Peter nods and blinks a few times, and as I realize how hard this must be for him, I'm thankful that Brady managed to stop me earlier.

Several minutes later, my row has apparently stood to walk to the stage as our names are called. The person to my left nudges me and I'm jolted back to reality as she whispers a reminder that I need to start walking. When I'm up on stage, shaking the dean's hand and accepting the empty diploma cover, there's only one pair of eyes I can feel on me. I look over the audience quickly as I walk off stage, but again, I can't spot her. I try hard not to fidget and to maintain my focus for the rest of the ceremony, and at the end, when everyone throws their caps into the air, I weave my way through the mass of black, toward the main building before the mortarboards even land. I'm way ahead of the rest of the crowd when I hear heavy footsteps approaching.

"J, wait up," Brady calls. I stop and turn and he catches up to me quickly. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier, I just-"

I cut him off before he can apologize further. "No, it's all right. I'm really fucking glad you stopped me, Brady. I just...I wasn't thinking."

He nods and we continue walking toward the building, at a slower pace than I was moving before. "Are you going to try and see her today?"

I sigh and rub my elbow; all the tension from the day has made it tighten and ache. "I don't know. I...I don't think I will, at least not intentionally. As pissed off as I am at him, I just...I can't do that to Peter. It's a really fucking hard day for him and I don't want to make it worse. It'd all probably backfire. She has my number, she could call me if she wanted to see me. The ball has been in her court for a while now."

I don't know how true it is, how free she feels to call me, but I know that either way, we're both letting Peter call the shots today.

"That's probably a good idea, even if it sucks. I'm sorry, J, I didn't know how serious it was."

"I feel like I didn't, either. It's the first time I've seen her since Forks."

He nods, and we've pretty much reached our limits in terms of talking about serious shit like this, so we walk silently into the main building, heading toward a room with a "U, V, W" sign posted on the door, to pick up our actual diplomas. After I get mine, I wait for Brady to get his and then we walk back out, to head back to the common and meet up with our folks again.

Just before we split, Brady slaps my back and then lets his hand drop to his side. "Congrats, Whitlock, we made it. Try to enjoy it. You never know, Peter may still cool off after all this craziness dies down. Give it some more time."

I nod, even though I feel less and less hopeful of that happening with each passing day. Especially since I'm heading back to Texas in a few days for a few weeks, to get my shit in order and to attend Lucy's high school graduation. "Yeah, congratulations, Brady. Enjoy the steak. I'll call you later."

"You better. We're getting crazy drunk tonight. I might make good on that whole dying thing after all."

I laugh and then turn to head over to my family. I talk with them for a few minutes before I excuse myself momentarily to head back up to my dorm to change so that we can go out for lunch. When I get back down to the common, there are still a lot of families lingering and talking. Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I look for her again, half hoping I'll get to see her just one more time, but she and Peter are nowhere to be found.

~ * ~

Two days later, I am standing in Sea-Tac airport at 10:00 a.m. with a hangover that feels like the culmination of every night I spent drinking over the last four years. I never saw Bella after the moment on the common before grad, and I told myself that I didn't really expect to, although the amount I've had to drink in the past couple of days indicates that I may have possibly been lying to myself. But as I scan the departures board to find my flight, I feel something akin to relief, hoping that being away from Washington will help keep my mind off Bella and the mess I've made with Peter.

I readjust the duffel bag, which is my only luggage, on my shoulder; the rest of my stuff is stored in boxes in my car in Brady's garage. I find Dallas-Fort Worth on the board and commit the gate number to memory. I have a one-hour stopover in Dallas before continuing on to Killeen-Fort Hood Regional, and I'm hoping I'll manage some sleep on the long flight there. I stare at the list of flights for another moment until my eyes land on a flight to Washington, D.C., and I remember that Bella should be heading there soon, if she hasn't already. I try to stomp down the acidic mixture of emotions that thought causes to rise in my chest, the strongest of which is concern for how she is coping with a move across the country all by herself.

Selfishly, I can only hope that being separated by an entire country will make the loss of her easier for me. Maybe the impossibility of our situation will somehow make it all easier to swallow. I continue to tell myself that as I head into the terminal, looking forward, at the very least, to the Texan heat and sun and a reprieve from this particularly wet and dreary Pacific Northwest spring.

I do manage to get the sleep I was hoping for on the flight, and wake up just before we land in Dallas. I grab something to eat in the terminal before making my way to the gate for my final flight. The plane to Fort Hood is much smaller than the one we took from Seattle, and there's turbulence almost the entire flight, followed by a particularly bumpy landing. When I arrive in the baggage claim area, I'm feeling pretty haggard and looking forward to my bed. The first thing I notice, other than my complete exhaustion, is that the air already smells different, even indoors. It's balmy but not damp like up north, and I can almost smell the sun. I look around at the travelers collecting their bags and spot my mother, waving wildly, as if she hadn't seen me just a couple days ago. They all had to head back the morning after graduation because my dad had to work and Lucy had some school thing, but I chose to stay a couple more days so I'd have time to pack up stuff and get it over to Brady's.

I make my way to them and give my mom a hug. I nod to Lucy, who pretends to be apathetic about my return home, but I know that secretly she's thrilled to have someone in the house who isn't a parent and who's old enough to buy beer.

When we walk out the doors and into the sun, I feel a bit of the weight of the past couple months lift from my shoulders. Texas feels like a world away from Washington, and I look forward to immersing myself back into the life I had before Bella, even if it's only for a few short weeks. I know that I'm not escaping anything, that it'll all be waiting for me when I head back to Seattle, where I should have been apartment and job hunting with Peter, but for now I'm just grateful to be in a place that reminds me of neither of them.

Several of my friends from high school are back home as well, either for good or just for the summer while they make plans for the next stage of their lives. I spend most of my time here hanging out with them, sleeping, or browsing Seattle job boards online. All of this provides a pretty decent distraction, most of the time, but there is still a lot of downtime, and I find that just like in Washington, Bella is still the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep at night, and the first thing when I wake up in the morning.

By the last week in June, as I pack a few suitcases full of the stuff I want to have with me in Seattle, I realize that I've really managed to escape from very little here. Unfortunately, my obsessive thoughts travel well, and have accompanied me every step of the way on this trip, even if they're just running in the background.

I've never really been bothered by uncertainty before. Growing up with a father in the military, we moved a lot and I was okay with not knowing what lay even just six months ahead, and with the idea that just as I got comfortable somewhere, it was very possible that's exactly when it would be time to move on again. But now, with no job, no apartment, no roommate, and no definite future plans, I'm starting to feel completely lost, and it's a very unsettling emotion.

For the first time in four years, I find myself wondering what Seattle even has to offer me anymore. I decide that if I'm going to be happy there, I at least need to make another attempt to mend my relationship with Peter. If I can at least manage that, maybe I can start to deal with everything that has happened between Bella and me.

I resolve to call Peter when I get back and see if he'll be willing to meet up. Until then, I decide I need to just let everything go for a little bit, and try to enjoy my last days at home, before I travel back to the great big unknown.

Legna betaed it all. The next chapter will be up on Sunday (2/14).

We have decided to post the remaining chapters on an accelerated schedule. We anticipate posting every other day until the story is complete.