Narnia - Episode 15 (The Stinsons)

That night, when Robin went to bed (shivering, because their heating had broken down completely) she had the strangest dream.

She was back in Barney's apartment, trying on a number of increasing elaborate and bizarre "costumes" in order to make her stupid resume video. She was freezing cold.

"Barney!" She called out, her voice sounding strangely hollow in his suit-room. "Crank up the heating, would ya?"

"Hey baby! Don't need no heat but my body heat. What up!" His voice seemed very far away.

Robin shook herself, scowling, and searched through his huge closet for something a little warmer to wear. As she delved through the racks and racks of Armani, Gucci, Paul Smith and Prada, her fingers brushed against something warm and soft and very inviting. Something fluffy. She pushed through, noticing a crunching sound beneath her feet.

"Did you break a glass in here?" She shouted. It seemed very unlike him. His place was so meticulously clean and neat.

But as she moved forward, the floor became more and more uneven, finally loosening to bare earth below her feet as she thrust herself physically between a rack of suits to get to the soft, warm thing. Boy, this closet went on forever! How big was this room?

For a moment, Robin felt claustrophobic. It was as if she was surrounded by, crowded by, suffocated by a weight of hanging material. She could almost imagine that the empty arms of each jacket were reaching for her! Just as she was starting to really freak herself out, she broke through the wall of clothing to find herself in the middle of-

Hold it right there, mister!

No way!

What she found was a forest clearing (a snowy forest clearing). What the hell was a snowy forest clearing doing in Barney's closet?

"What the f-?" She said, just as the sound of splashing and distant, girlish, laughter, drifted through the trees towards her.

Robin was reluctant to leave the clearing and step into the trees. She didn't have her gun and there could very well be wild animals in there.

Then she heard Barney's low, dirty chuckle and she set her jaw, marching through the trees and using the sound of laughter to navigate. She practically ran straight into-

Whoa, hang on. That wasn't right.

There was a huge, wooden Jacuzzi in the middle of the forest.

A Jacuzzi whose occupants seemed to be… Barney and a girl. Naked. Barney was in a Jacuzzi, making out with a very naked… No! it was the Lottery Girl.

Ew!!

Seriously?

She put her hands on her hips. "What the hell, Barney?" She raged.

"Wha-?" He managed to tear himself from the collagen-enhanced lips and silicon-enhanced breasts. "Oh, hey Robin!" He grinned, impishly, as if glad that she'd caught him.

Robin fumed. The steam from the hot, bubbly water was making her eyes sting. "What is this?"

"Well, I had to keep my Jacuzzi somewhere…" He said, giving her a wink.

"No, I mean… Jesus! You're supposed to be helping me with my resume!"

Barney laughed. "But this is helping! There's nothing hotter than a naked chick in a Jacuzzi. The offers will come flying in!"

"What? But I'm not even…" She saw red, ripping off her jacket and lunging towards him. She overbalanced when the blonde bimbo seemed to be no longer there and she sank into the hot water with a yelp...

...and suddenly he was all over her - lips, tongue, one hand squeezing her bare breast under the bubbling water (how in the hell did he get her naked?) and for a moment, she felt like she was drowning again, suffocating in his mouth, his sweat-beaded flesh, his hand cupping the back of her neck…

Then everything went kind-of twisty and warm and silent and dark and they were kissing (well, she was kissing him back) but the word kissing didn't seem to cover it, not the combination of battling tongues and tangling fingers and panting need…

Robin woke suddenly, sitting bold upright in bed. The sunlight was streaming through the window and for a moment, she panicked, thinking she'd overslept. But no, it was Saturday. She wasn't working today.

And…

Crap.

That dream…?

Her cellphone was buzzing somewhere under her hip. She fished around for it, trying not to expose any skin to the cold air, already feeling a chill on her forehead. She wrapped her comforter tightly around her as she accepted the call, eyelids still glued half-shut.

"Hey," A sleepy voice said over the speaker.

Robin frowned, then checked her display. Then re-checked it. "Barney?"

"Robin?" He said, in exactly the same tone.

"Barney! What's up?" She clicked her tongue.

"Nothin'…" There was silence. Then more silence.

"Are you okay?"

"Hmm? Ugh. Yes. Uh…" His voice was so muffled, so could barely hear him.

"Do you have someone in bed with you?" She rolled her eyes.

"Duh, no!" He laughed.

"Barney, why are you ringing me at…" She groaned, "whatever time it is in the morning?"

There was a sigh and more silence. She could swear she heard him shrug. "It's just…" He began, then there was another sigh. "Yesterday was pretty weird."

"I guess. Wait, what measure of weirdness are we using? Your normal level of weird? Or everyone else's?"

"Robin, you are a wicked, wicked woman." More silence. He sounded - not weird, because that word really was overused with respect to him - he sounded… sad… considered… thoughtful?

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. And I'm sorry…" Another sigh.

"Sorry for what?" Her mind immediately latched on to the Jacuzzi thing. The dream Jacuzzi thing. That was a dream! Jesus!

"Just… My Mom, you know…"

With a sudden insight, she got it. She understood what was bugging him. They'd stumbled into something private of his - like that time, many years ago, when Lily had found that video tape of him crying at his old college girlfriend.

"I'm sorry about my Mom, okay? She's-"

"You don't have to apologise, Barney!" Robin said, hurriedly. "Jeez, if you ever met my Dad, you'd literally-"

"Father issues, hot!"

"Barney, focus!"

"Heh…"

"Why are you sorry about your Mom? She was…" Robin thought about it. What was Barney's Mom? It was strange but, although Lily, Marshall and Ted had all seemed taken by her, Robin had found the woman strangely difficult to talk to. She didn't dislike her, exactly. It was just she seemed to jar with Robin's expectations. She'd imagined Barney's Mom was more… fun!... from the brief conversations she'd overheard Barney having with her in the past. "She was sweet…" Robin said, hurriedly, realising that her hesitation probably sounded rude.

"She's great, once you get to know her."

"I'm sure she is." Robin frowned. What in the hell was that all about?

"I want her to like you- Um, all of you. All my friends. I want her to like all my friends!" Barney's voice had become a bit shrill for the last couple of words. This all sounded pretty important to him, but Robin didn't really relish the idea of spending any more time with his Mom. "I get that…"

"I wondered if… that is… do you think you'd come to dinner next Sunday?" Barney stuttered.

Robin chuckled under her breath. She had to admit that he was being pretty damn adorable, and it lessened her own ambivalence a little. "Yeah, why not?"

"Great!" He said, a little too enthusiastically.

"I'll ask Ted, see if he's free?"

"Huh?"

Robin rolled her eyes. "How much did you drink last night? I'll ask Ted when I see him today. Find out if he's okay to go to your Mom's next Sunday for dinner."

"Oh. Ted. Right." Barney sounded oddly disappointed.

"I thought you wanted us to come?"

"Yeah… Uh, Yeah! Yeah! That's great!" There was that hysterical edge to his voice again. Robin shook her head.

"Okay, look, I've got to get out of bed…"

"Hot."

"…and into some clothes…"

"Not so hot."

"…or maybe take a shower…"

"Listening…"

"Barney!"

"See you tonight, Robin. MacLaren's at eight?"

"Wouldn't miss it. See ya." She hung up and pulled the covers up over her head, groaning. She toyed with the idea of trying to grab some more sleep. It was a luxury to sleep in, one she wouldn't be able to indulge in very often in the coming months.

If only she had someone warm in bed beside her.

Robin smiled, clutching an armful of comforter and pulling it close, imagining bare skin, a lean, well-muscled back, pressing her lips into warm flesh, the faint whiff of cigar smoke in her nostrils, his skin tasting faintly of vanilla and bergamot and fine single malt scotch.

Robin fell asleep, and into a world of hot, bubbling water and long, languid kisses and the cold, hard world just melted away like the snow on the sidewalk.