Oh my god I'm so sorry.
Tony came to soaked in his own blood which in itself was something of a surprise - he hadn't expected to wake up quite so soon, or at all. He was conscious again before the medical teams had even turned up but he wished with every bone in his body that he wasn't. The numbness had burned away, leaving only pain and the terrible feeling of cold seeping into blood starved muscles that no amount of wishful thinking could dispel.
Pepper was there though and that was something he was clinging to like a lifeline, his whole being focused on her solid presence at his side.
"Oh god, Tony," she whispered into his hairline, lips ghosting over soft skin like soothing fingers. He thought she might be crying but everything was too blurry for him to get a decent look. "You're going to be just fine ok?" Even in his hazy state he could hear the complete lie in her tone but he was pushed to the point that he was willing to believe her anyway, simply so that he could feel some relief in what could potentially be his last moments.
There were hands on him then, soft yet firm and he was aware that he was being moved. He couldn't see anything anymore and he could feel the darkness filling him up as the pain receded beyond whatever morphine the medics had deigned to give him.
The world fell away from him.
Beeping.
He knew that beeping. He had heard it before but he couldn't quite place it, lingering just outside of his memory.
'Can someone turn it off?' he thought to himself in annoyance. His whole body felt like lead and he had absolutely no intention of doing anything to further wake himself up. If someone would just stop the incessant beeping he could go back to sleep for the next hundred years.
"Tony?" Another noise he knew and this one he instantly recognised. Pepper. Sweet and beautiful Pepper. She could make the beeping go away couldn't she? He tried to speak, to tell her but all that came out of his mouth was a garble of half whispered syllables that even to him didn't sound anything like actual speech. "You're awake! Bruce?" The joy in her voice was unmistakable.
"I'll get a doctor," Banner replied and there was the sound of shuffling feet from further off, then the sound of a door.
"Tony!" Pepper said again and oh he lived to hear that voice. "What took you so long?" She was laughing he realised, the relief and happiness sending her emotions in all directions. Apparently they were stuck on 'giddy' for now. He tried to speak again but his throat was too tight to force air through and he just muttered helplessly.
He wanted to ask what was going on, what had happened but his body decided that it was too tired to manage that right now. Distantly he heard the door opening again.
"Mr Stark? Can you hear me?" This voice he didn't know. Too tired to try and speak again he searched desperately for a way to move and eventually located the correct nerve to make his hand twitch lightly. There was more rustling and then a hand was at his wrist, checking his pulse perhaps? "You've been asleep for a very long time Mr Stark. We had almost started to worry," the doctor informed him calmly. Bruce snorted somewhere in the background.
"Natasha actually looked choked up when they brought you in. I was surprised when you didn't wake up right away to take a picture," he mocked gently, sounding more calm than Tony had ever heard him.
The movements around him had woken him a little more and with the wakefulness he strove to take command of his body again, starting with his eyelids that just didn't want to cooperate.
'Come on Stark, you have six doctorates! How hard could this possibly be?' It took more time that he would ever admit but eventually he managed to crack one eye open to survey the scene. Thankfully the lights were dim enough that they didn't burn in the way it sometimes did but he still had to blink several times to bring things into focus.
"Welcome back to the land of the living." The doctor smiled at him, his face open and friendly - he looked like the kind of man that could be that nice uncle you had as a kid. "You've been here for two weeks."
'Two weeks?!' His mouth formed the words but no sound came out. His throat burned harshly against the strain.
"I imagine you'll want a drink," the doctor interpreted and he looked up at Pepper expectantly. She was at his side in an instant, one hand sliding into his like it was built to be there; he squeezed her fingers gently. The doctor continued to speak as she began to slide ice chips between his lips, sweet and cold relief to the fire. "You sustained a serious wound to your abdomen Mr Stark. The knife managed to puncture both your intestines and one of your kidneys; you lost a large amount of blood. It took several transfusions just to stabilise you." Pepper's free hand was practically crushing his fingers now but he didn't mind, he was just glad for the contact.
The doctor continued to rattle off injuries but Tony wasn't really listening. He got the impression that though he still had a long and arduous recovery in front of him, the worst was over and provided he followed the medical instructions - 'yeah, that's likely' - he should be fine in a few months. Physically at least. No one seemed willing to breach the topic of his mental state and that was just fine with him. He didn't need anyone trying to dig through his mind; talking about his problems had never helped him feel better and it didn't make the problems go away. After a little while he became aware that Bruce had slipped out the door and disappeared in silence. He didn't quite know what to think about that.
"Thanks for all the help doc," Tony said eventually, pleased to find that the ice had done its job in loosening his throat. He still sounded half dead though.
"It's a pleasure Mr Stark. Take care of yourself," the man replied with a smile before taking his leave.
Silence reigned for a long moment in which Tony just looked at Pepper and she looked back at him, a thousand emotions on her face and tears glistening in her eyes.
"Hey." He couldn't think of anything else to say. There was a storm trapped in her expression but he couldn't tell how he could do anything to make it better, to make it stop hurting. God, she didn't deserve this.
She didn't reply, just let the first tears escape her eyes and then press her face into his shoulder, her fiery hair tickling his neck. Without even thinking about it one arm came up to hold her, his lips finding their way to the top of her head.
"Two weeks Tony."
"I know. I'm so sorry Pep," he told her and he had never meant it more. He just hoped it was enough. He lived in constant fear that one day his chaotic life would just be a little bit too much for her to cope with and when that day came he wasn't sure he would be able to survive watching her walk away.
"Promise me," she said, looking up. Her eyes were dry now, glittering with determination. "Promise me that you won't ever do that to me again."
He didn't hesitate. "I'll do everything within my power. I swear to you." She gazed into his eyes for another moment, reading the sincerity there before she sniffed lightly and smiled, the hard lines of her shoulders softening.
There was a knock at the door then and they both looked up to see Bruce peer around it.
"Room for a couple more visitors?" Neither of them had the time to answer before Clint was forcing his way past Bruce anyway, hurling himself into the chair opposite Pepper and grinning at him like a five year old.
"You took your sweet time," was the first thing he said. "Honestly, it's really hard to prank people at S.H.I.E.L.D without you there to hack the cameras."
It was odd but somehow that seemed like the push that everyone else needed to find their footing and soon enough the whole team had piled into the room and were engaging in an easy conversation about nothing of importance. They spoke for what felt like hours but could only have been minutes before Tony found himself drifting again, his frail grasp on reality stuttering as fatigue plagued him. As soon as Pepper noticed his fluttering eyelids she ordered everyone from the room with an authority he was proud of before settling in the chair at his bedside and gripping one of his hands firmly.
"Rest Tony," she murmured softly to him, her thumb stroking the back of his hand. "I'll still be here when you wake up."
True to her word she was there the next time he opened his eyes, though her presence was somewhat negated by the fact that she was fast asleep, her head resting on a pillow she must have filched from somewhere. She looked so peaceful and relaxed that he couldn't bear to reach out and wake her.
The silence almost convinced him to however, as it grew heavy and stifling, pressing into him like a physical presence. He didn't want quiet. He wanted voices and people, friends to remind him that he was safe, that he wasn't in some god-forsaken torture room, that Q could never hurt him again. Someone seemed to have taken note of his hatred of darkness (most likely Pepper's doing) and there were soft lights glowing dimly to chase away the shadows. It wasn't enough though.
His skin felt too tight and Tony knew that he was panicking and if he didn't calm himself soon then a team of nurses would be rushing in any minute now to find out why his heart monitor was having a fit. At least this was old ground - something he knew. The period after Afghanistan had been one break down after another but he'd learnt how to pull himself back from the edge so that only Pepper could tell when he was half a step away from losing it. More recently Bruce had developed a similar skill but Tony was pretty sure that was only due to the fact that the doctor had to go through the same routine every day.
The bed beneath him was solid yet soft enough to be comfortable. The pillows had been used by too many people to be pleasant. There was a slight stain on the ceiling above him and he didn't want to question how it came to be. Pepper's breathing was slow and steady, barely audible. Someone on crutches was walking down the corridor outside.
His breathing levelled out slightly as his heart slowed, calm settling back into his muscles. This is the present, right here in this moment away from anything that might haunt him, with Pepper at his side.
He fixed that thought in his mind until he drifted again.
When he next woke up Pepper was gone and that was enough to send him off the rails again, his heart rate spiking instantly.
"Tony! Calm down, everything's okay!" Hands were on his shoulders and his head spun wildly to make eye contact with a very concerned looking Bruce Banner. "Come on Tony, just breathe. You're in the hospital remember? You're safe."
He nodded, unable to find his voice momentarily. There was a weight on his chest that he couldn't shift but if he really concentrated he found he could just about breathe.
"Pepper's just stepped out to make some calls and grab some food. She'll be back soon," Bruce told him, apparently aware of why he was so twitchy. "Actually she only left because I made her - she needed to get out of here for a bit."
Tony nodded again, all too aware of how Pepper could drive herself into the ground worrying about him. "Thank you," he rasped back, grateful when the doctor offered him a cup full of ice chips.
"How are you feeling?"
Tony raised an eyebrow. "It's hard to describe. Almost like I've been stabbed."
Bruce chuckled softly, shaking his head. "And I'm reminded why I'm so glad not to be your doctor. You've got to be one of the worst patients they've ever had."
"I'll make a donation to make up for it. What did I miss?"
"Honestly? Not a whole lot. S.H.I.E.L.D has taken over clean up and is dealing with all the media attention with Pepper's help. The rest of the team have been here mostly."
"You didn't need to be. I know that Barton and Rogers both have a thing about hospitals. You should have sent them home," Tony told him, feeling guilt swell in his stomach. After everything that had happened he just wanted to forget the whole awkwardness between Bruce, Steve and him and let it all go back to the way it was.
"We tried but they weren't going anywhere. They said that they'd put up with a little bit of discomfort if it meant being able to make sure you were alright."
God, now he just felt worse. After everything he had been prepared to believe about Steve, everything he had thought and the man was still willing to endure the discomfort that was probably more like mild PTSD just so that he was sure Tony was okay.
'You and guilt are turning into best friends aren't you?'
Bruce must have seen something in his face, read some expression there because his face softened into calm sadness. "I know that you probably don't want to talk about what happened, now or ever, but you can't avoid this forever. It isn't just going to go away."
"I know that," Tony snapped, suddenly irritable. He was a little surprised at his own sudden change in mood. "Just... not now, alright?"
There was a pause as Bruce eyed him carefully before the doctor nodded. "Alright Tony. Not now."
As it turned out it would be a while before Bruce had another chance to bring it up. Pepper rarely left his side and thankfully the doctor understood not to bring up the topic in her presence. Despite the fact that Tony knew he was nearby, Steve seemed to be avoiding him like the plague - since he had woken up a week ago he had seen him a grand total of twice, one of which was a very brief encounter when the soldier appeared to drag Natasha away for a meeting with Fury.
So, he was being avoided. He could hardly say that he didn't deserve it - he'd basically told the man that he didn't trust him, that he barely considered them friends even though that was so far from the truth it was painful. Steve was never going to forgive him for this.
It was strange how his anger and hurt had morphed so suddenly into self loathing and guilt. He wasn't really sure which was worse.
He had allowed himself to believe that Steve and Bruce weren't really his friends - not without due cause of course - and then he had done something he would forever regret: he had run. Run straight into an ambush which had gone from bad to worse and culminated with having to be rescued by the very people he had been fleeing. And then after all that he had learned that the reason for all of this torment was nothing more than a fiction, a synthetically created audio file that had never actually been voiced.
"Where did everything go so wrong?" He murmured to himself to fill the silence that had once again pervaded his room as Pepper slept on the sofa off to the side. He had sent Thor and Barton on their merry way an hour ago, too caught up in his own thoughts to offer pleasant company. If he was going to be miserable there was no reason everyone else should suffer along with him. The red head snuffled in her sleep and he glanced over at her, his whole body softening at the sight of her relaxed form.
Even in the soft lighting you could tell she was beautiful.
With a gentle sigh he cast his eyes around for the tablet Clint had smuggled him from his apparently trashed lab. That was another job he would have to work on when he was finally released. He spotted the small glass rectangle at the end of his bed, just out of arm's reach. Without thinking about it he lurched his body forwards to grab it but before his fingers reached it his whole body seemed to burst into flames.
He collapsed back against the pillows as fiery pain ate up his torso, gripping his lungs hard enough to make his breathless. It felt like getting stabbed again. With vague awareness he realised that his heart rate monitor was shrieking a warning and Pepper was startling away so badly she fell off the sofa with a soft thump.
"Tony!" She was at his side before she'd shrugged off sleep completely, blinking rapidly as she tried to focus. "Tell me what's wrong!" Her voice was high, stressed.
He didn't have time to answer before nurses were swarming into the room like bugs, flitting around to check the equipment and taking very little notice of the confused, terrified red head who was forced into the corner. The pain was still flooding his system, overloading his senses until he couldn't tell what was going on around him.
Just before he blacked out he felt the welcome ice of morphine leaking into his arm.
You know the follower count on this story has passed 1000? The thought that there are 1000 people out there in the world that appreciate my writing and even notice my existence is probably the most amazing thing in my life right now. So thank you. I honestly can't say it enough.
And I'm so sorry for this chapter taking so long. I had exams and moving and life and it just all got muddled.
I know that I said this would be the last chapter but it turns out there's still one more to go :) Which makes it up to a nice 15 chapters.