Hello fanfic readers thanks to your feedback and suggestions I rewrote most of chapter 13 so you have to reread it in order to understand the ending.
The inspiration for the chapter came to me when I was brushing my hair and humming Madonna's song, "this used to be my playground" and I said to myself, it's the perfect way to end the story; so this epilogue will include the song lyrics. I hope you like this conclusion; it's so hard to say goodbye.
I will be answering all my reviews in a separate chapter including some sneak previews of Book 4: Air: Out of the Ashes.
I do not own ATLA or the song featured in this fanfic but I do own my vivid dreams.
"This Used to Be My Playground" Lyrics by Pettibone; Shep; performed by Madonna
Book 4: Air: Exodus
Epilogue
Azula walked outside of the room in a daze: her legs wobbling in anguish. She grappled with her mind whether what she had done was the right thing. Her daughter's cries deepened her guilt.
It was the single most unselfish act she committed, but it did more damage to her than she expected.
This palace used to be a place of happiness, now it was full of grievances. She rested herself against the column and stared at her former home.
This used to be my playground (used to be)
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
She stared at the images of the judgmental Firelords. She lingered for a moment at the painting of her father. He looked like a demonic dragon; black smoke pillowing behind him; eyebrows raised high above his head. The dark colors surrounding the patriarch seemed fitting. Ozai turned his family inside out; pitting one against the other, making an example when he felt wronged. She wondered if the visions of him holding her close and smiling were a farce. Azula would hold on to their precious moments when they bonded over firebending.
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know you're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask
The moonlight shone through the lattice window of the palace; her necklace cast a shadow of the Fire Nation flame. She took so much pride in that insignia long ago. She was such a strong-willed person inclined to kill anyone who got in her way; even her own family. She believed the rhetoric her father told her that there are no allies only adversaries. Here she was a woman now; a wife and mother. Where did the time go? When did she grow up?
She stroked the repaired lace ribbon around her neck. She reminisced about the wedding ceremony. It was a private affair; Judel's father, Master Piandao was officiating. While reciting their vows he never took his eyes off of her. They went to a small inn and that night she gave him the one precious thing she had left; her virginity. He made sweet love to her as if no other woman existed before. The first day she woke up next to him he nasally snored and drooled; though it was unpleasant; it was the happiest day of her life. When she thought that joy couldn't have been more abundant; a year and a half into their marriage she gave birth to Xiourong. Her life once in disarray had been balanced. So, why was she leaving her family?
She looked at the stone carving and saw a fleck of her father's blood. No, she had to move forward it was for the best.
This used to be my playground (used to be)
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
She walked the royal garden. When the princess was in the mental facility and in exile she took for granted how privileged she was. Every little island and area was breathtaking with lilies, blossoms and bamboo tree's. She remembers running as a little girl; falling on the ground laughing out of becoming exhaustion. She played with her rag dolls and lined them up to be her little soldiers. She realized her ambition was never to be Firelord, but a General like her Uncle Iroh.
No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday (the dream)
Those are words I'll never say (I'll never say)
She came upon the small area hidden in the garden by the dragon fountain. The princess used to be so close to her Uncle Iroh and Cousin Luten. Iroh would show her firebending tricks and Luten would share stories with her and feed the turtle-ducks: they could lie on the ground and look at the clouds, guessing the shapes.
She wished Luten was her big brother, instead of Zuko. He was strong, kind and did humorous imitations of Iroh and her father. Her cousin praised her prodigious abilities and believed she could grow up to be someone great. She regrets that her father made her despise Uncle and Luten; it was a blessing in disguise.
The last day they spent together she was so unkind and shooed him away. Despite her disposition, Luten told her, I will always admire your independent spirit and strength; never forget who you are. Even though she struggled against him; he hugged her tightly.
After Luten died, she never truly got closure. It seemed juvenile to believe that somehow he is still alive. She couldn't say farewell, for it meant that he was truly gone.
This used to be my playground (used to be)
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy
Twelve years ago, Azula met two young girls her age; one, would smile constantly and spent time more upside down than anything; she was a bubbly girly-girly wearing pink everything; the ponytailed acrobat was intuitive and spiritual; almost at peace. The other girl looked miserable; her clothes looked more upbeat than her; the Gothic girl would find a dark corner in the shadows, sitting expressionless. The only time the fair skinned pig tailed youngster would smile was when Zuko was around or to laugh at Azula making a mistake.
Ty-Lee suggested that they make a friendship garden; it was here that they made a solemn promise:
We are friends until the end/from this bond we'll never bend/ for each other we will fend/ if we part we will mend.
That little rhyme was also Ty-Lee's idea. Azula rolled her little eyes back then; staring at the calla lilies that they planted; wanting to burn the garden; she kept it however, knowing that Ty-Lee would cry; she detested that sound.
They grew up and became a deadly trio; taking over Ba Sing Se. It was the most exciting part of her life.
In the end,Azula may have been stoic, but she did care about her friends; well at least Ty-Lee she was still on the fence with Mai.
This used to be our playground (used to be)
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me
Azula was in the courtyard entrance of the palace. The princess reflected on the events six years ago, riding in the royal palanquin, taking another dose of warrior's claw; upset by the events at the Boiling Rock. Azula looked forward to being on the platform, beside her father on the zeppelin; carrying out the plan she formed on impulse to best her brother. She was swiftly disappointed and shocked to see her father misappropriating her plan and performing it himself. To add insult to injury, he proclaimed to be Phoenix King and gave her a meager position as Firelord.
For a brief moment, she said to herself, mother wouldn't do this to me, which was a surprising thought. Ozai instilled the belief that Ursa was a deserter and cared nothing for her. However, all of these years without her mother's guidance; she was half a woman.
This used to be our playground (used to be)
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me
She was in her old bedroom; it elicited a flashback to that day fateful day, being distraught and disturbed, high off the drug. Azula was alone in the palace and butchered her bangs and fashioned her hair into a sloppy topknot. A buried need for her mother surfaced when she had the hallucination.
Azula looked in the mirror and saw the image behind her; it wasn't a figment; she was really there; she sneered. "I know your there Mother you can come out now."
Ursa stepped forward into the light. Azula saw a black sling around her mother; a small hand grasp Ursa's hair. "Mother what are you doing with Xiourong?"
"I wanted to spend some quality time with my granddaughter. I still can't believe that you're a mother."
Azula looked her mother up and down; she's up to something, yet seeing her daughter she couldn't help but to be maternal. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to regulate her schedule? She needs to be sleeping."
"Nonsense, a little spoiling won't harm her."
"Why is she with you?"
"Judel told me you're leaving him and he cannot raise her full-time; so, I decided that I will keep her in the family."
Azula huffed, "With all due respect Mother; you're too old to raise a child."
"There is wisdom with age dear."
"Xiourong is an infant; she's requires around the clock care."
"I've always wanted another girl."
Azula squinted and saw right through her mother; Ursa was testing her mind hoping she would change it; but Azula was very stubborn. She was set to ignore her mother, until she saw Ursa taking her daughter out of the sling. "You're going to spoil her just like Zuko; she's going to grow up to be feeble."
"Yet, Zuko is Firelord and a compassionate young man."
"Being in exile has made you very clever Mother; but I won't fall for your stratagem."
"You're are free to do as you wish."
Little Xiourong's pallid moon eyes glanced at Azula and she struggled in Ursa's arms. She kicked her legs; pounding her fist at Ursa, crying. Azula couldn't bear the heartbreaking weeping of her daughter.
"My, what a fussy child," said Ursa patting her on the back.
"Mother don't—"Oh, Azula wanted so badly to hold her daughter and quell those tears. Don't let her get to you.
Ursa offered Xiourong to Azula, the princess turned opposed. "Xiourong wants her mommy."
"She's too young to understand: I know what I'm doing."
Azula walked to her old bed sitting on it crestfallen; she couldn't feel guilty anymore; it's what she had to do. Ursa followed suit laying her granddaughter on the bed in the middle. "Children are magical treasures; they don't care about whom you were or what you've done; they only care about the here and now."
Azula grabbed the railing of her canopy. "I don't have a choice."
"That was my mistake eleven years ago. I could have bargained with your grandfather, but your father made me believe there were no alternatives. Leaving the both of you almost ended me and looking at Han-Lien made it worse. Azula, you have a man that loves you and a baby who adores you; both of them need you; don't continue the cycle of hurt."
"You're using the wrong tense: I had a baby: I had a husband. They will learn to live without me."
"They may forget you; you will never be able to forget about them. Every time you see a little girl, you will wonder if Xiourong is walking; or if she got her first tooth. When you wake up in bed, there will be a vacant space where your husband would be. If you thought being away from him was difficult when he was sick, it will be ten times worse when you do it voluntarily. I guarantee you Azula, turbulence and unrest will devour you inside."
"I'll make the sacrifice."
"Your very firm on what you say?"
"Yes and I would love to speak with you longer, but I need some rest; so if you please," she said dismissively.
Ursa put the cranky Xiourong in the sling and brushed her small head as she quieted; but still fussed; her chubby cheeks reddened. "I'll leave you with a thought. Your father has succeeded in breaking up your family; do you want to be your father's marionette or the sovereign redeemed princess who has conquered all."
Azula mulled it over for a moment and looked at Xiourong. Well done mother. Who was this woman that was running away like a child? Ozai's manipulation, hurt and pain had to stop right here; right now. She is Princess Azula of the Fire Nation prodigy, wielder of blue flames and lightning; tactician of the military. Azula reached inside of herself and took her pride firmly in her hand. She earned being Xiourong's mother and Judel's wife.
Azula took Xiourong from her mother and held her baby. Xiourong became tranquil and cooed in her arms. Azula kissed the top of her head outlining a tender finger on her slightly developed chin. The Princess looked into her daughter's wholesome colorless eyes; she was more than her child, but a symbol of her love and all that she has been through.
Although her mother was shrewd; she appreciated the lesson. Azula looked in the mirror at the three generations of women. It was going to be difficult, but Azula was going to explore healing the relationship with her mother. For now she needed to be with her family.
Azula carried her baby and swaddled her close. She took one last look at Ursa. "I finally understand why you left me mother; I've come full circle now: it's time for my exodus."
The End