Chapter 14: Thinking Out Loud

FSOG belongs to EL James

A/N: Thank you for reading, following, and reviewing... please enjoy

Luke rests a hand at my lower back startling me. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Lifting my eyes from the bank statement, I let his words permeate my ears. Am I okay, I repeat the rudimentary question, which should be rather simple for me to answer? So why am I grappling with the response? Giving the statement another quick glance, I let the question cycle through my head one more time? Are you okay? Unable to form a response, I mentally run down the list of reasons I should be okay.

My bank account is minus the repugnant 5 million dollars that have made me physically ill from the moment it was deposited; forget about spending it. This alone should have me screaming an emphatic yes at the top of my lungs.

The transaction was seamless, Christian didn't go on the attack when he received the check and my note, contrary to what I'd predicted. So again I have to question, the belly flops at the pit of my stomach, instead of overwhelming jubilation?

Finally, for his part Christian did as I requested; swiftly cashing the check severing all ties.

Bingo, there it is…swiftly. In that one word, I have the honest but pathetic explanation for my inner turmoil. He'd moved too swiftly, wasting no time ridding himself of me. I recognize I'm irrational, seeing that he only did what I requested of him.

Why stop now, I've never been rational when it came to Christian Grey. If I had, I never would have slept with him in the first place. I would never have lied about my age and I sure as heck wouldn't have told him I loved you.

Alas; that was the past I can't change it, but I should've been better prepared for the fall out from my actions.

"Pff," I sigh and inadvertently it's out loud as I come to terms with the one constant in my very short and turbulent relationship with Christian… I'm shattered. But I refuse to succumb to the emotions this time around, losing any more of myself in his name. I'm going to flip the script; I will be strong and unyielding.

"You know what…" I pause and opt for candor for a change. Smiling, I look up at Luke. "I'm not okay, but I'm getting there," I say. Searching, behind me I find his hand and take it in mine needing to feel him. "Come on, I'm ready for some Starbucks."

Luke pushes the glass door open with his free hand. "After you," he says. By some miracle, we manage to squeeze through the narrow opening, without having to let go of our hands.

Luke sensed that it would take more than a hot cup of tea to lift my spirits and he rightly concluded that Benji was the remedy. So he ditched Starbucks to bring me back to his apartment to spend a few minutes with the lovable pooch.

As soon as, I walk through the door Benji rushes to me nearly knocking me over. "Hey boy, happy to see me huh?" I coo as I go to my knees to give him a healthy scratch on the head. "Well, I'm happy to see you too," I say feverishly scratching him all over as he licks my face. Giggling, I lean into the sloppy wet kisses, and I can almost feel the anguish dissipating with every lap of his wet, scratchy tongue against my face.

Luke is unable to function without his morning Starbucks, so he circled back, which has allowed me to have this alone time with Benji. Playing with Benji on the floor, I hear Luke's key in the door, so I move us a little, so we're not blocking his path. Hurrying, through the door carelessly holding the cardboard carrier with our hot drinks, Luke mockingly chastises Benji and me. "What's going in here? I can hear you two in the hallway," he says.

"I seriously doubt that," I say getting up from the floor to leave the four-legged boy to give the melodramatic two legged variety a kiss on the cheek. Thinking about it, I probably shouldn't have rewarded the bad behavior, it will only encourage him. As I start to walk to the counter, I feel Benji weaving in and out my legs reminding me that I should give Luke the heads up about my impromptu facial. "You might want to wait to kiss me. Benji has spent the last 10 minutes licking every inch of my face."

"Lucky Benji," he says giving me a wink.

"You are incorrigible," I say. Then I start preparing my tea. I prefer my tea week, so I dip the bag in the hot water and jerk it back out just as quickly. "You'll get your chance when I wash my face."

Coming up behind me, he wraps his arms around my waist nuzzling my neck, and my tickle reflex kicks in causing my head to tilt automatically to one side to meet my shrugging shoulder. "Maybe, I don't want to wait," he says and his breath hits a sensitive spot on my neck that tickles me even more.

Giggling, I squirm to get away from him, but he has me locked against the edge of the counter with his body, so all I can do is swat his arms. "Stop," I say

Taking pleasure in my discomfort, he continues to tickle my neck as he seeks space to kiss it. However, fortuitously it gives me the small break I need to step out of his prison. Dragging my tea with me, I glance over giving him a parting smirk. "Yeah right," I say.

"Okay, maybe the kid comment was a poor choice of word. I can concede that, but would it disgust you if I said I don't care?" he asks.

"Ewe. Yes." I say emphatically.

Chuckling, he takes a sip of his Latte. "Tell me how you really feel," he says. "Since I have you thoroughly disgusted, it would probably be a good time to ask what I've been dying to ask since the bank." Unexpectedly, he brings his wrist forward to look at his watch, and I wait to see the purpose for the dramatic use of prop. He's very melodramatic this morning, and I can't help but roll my eyes. "It's been 48 hours, 12 minutes, 45 seconds since we've had a fight, so the streak is at risk here. But here goes. Do you need money?"

I hear the uncertainty in his voice, so I rest my hand on his to relieve his tension. "No, I don't need money. I overreacted, a check cleared sooner than I'd expected is all. Fortunately, it didn't affect my account adversely, so I'm good. But thank you," I say. When I turn to face him, he's looking at that darn watch again. Who even has a watch in the age of cell phones and personal devices? I shake my head. "What now?" I shrug. "I behaved. I didn't even get mad."

"I know." Smirking, he wiggles his brows, and that can mean only one thing. "That's why I was checking my watch; your head didn't explode. So I wanted to see if we had time for my licks," he says. His eye fill with lust he reaches for me, but I take another step back.

"Oh no," I say and I pick up my tea. You didn't have to look at your watch; you could've asked me. And based on those eyes, I'm reneging. Unlike Benji, you're looking for more than licks. ," I say. And gulping down the now room temperature tea, I slam the empty paper cup to the counter for emphasis before making a mad dash out of the kitchen.

Following in my tracks, he screams after me but I continue down the hallway. "What do you mean? Where are you going? Come on. You gotta give me something; I'm not going to see you tonight."

I rotate my head to look over my shoulder. "You'll live," I say. I keep my voice monotone, I didn't have to be loud for him to get the gist, and I can't help but chuckle when he hits the floor fake passing out. He's in rare form this morning with the dramatics.

Amanda runs her hand over her blunt bob, affix her black rimmed glasses and settles in her chair as she prepares to go over out assignments. "Ana, let's start with you. You have CQ," she says, and I nod my head in the affirmative. Then she takes another glance at her paper, before continuing around the table. "Jazzy, you have Site Core, Ian, you have Oracle and I've been given Microsoft," she says setting the paper on the table and slamming it with her hand. "Now that we have that sorted we can get started."

"I don't know why the fuck we have to compare project management software. Can we just move on to coding already?" Ian says, flicking his pen with his fingers.

Amanda pinches the bridge of her nose before giving him a shooting glare. "Really, Ian. You're in an accelerated program at Harvard, so can you try not to act like a brat for one day?" And she pauses waiting, for a response, but we all stay silent even Ian. "You know full well this program is designed to give us a taste of everything so suck it up. Your damn engineering class is coming up in a few days."

Leaning over so only I can hear, Jasmine mumbles under her breath it's going to be a long night.

Then Amanda leans over to whisper something disparaging about Ian in the other ear.

It's beyond me how they can think these sidebars are a good idea considering the size of our group and the proximity we are to each other at the round table. But searching everyone's face, apparently I'm the only one bothered so I keep my concerns to myself.

"Why don't we table the boring topic for a minute to discuss Ana and Mr. Good Body," Jasmine says catching me off guard. Leave it to Jasmine to use humor to diffuse a situation too bad this time it's at my expense.

"I say not," Ian says without hesitating.

Playfully, Jasmine swats him on the shoulder. "Oh, shut up Ian you're just jealous," she says and it's another surprise. I didn't see that one coming. Ian jealous of me? Sure he's cute in that Iowa farm boy kind of way, but I've never been attracted to him. I've not spent enough time with him to be attracted to him. In her attempt to lighten the mood, Jasmine has made things more awkward, so it's time for me to step in and nip this in the butt.

"I agree with Ian. Let's save this for later tonight when we're back in the room," I say.

"Good idea Ana," Amanda says giving Jasmine a death glare. It's a wonder her fiery red hair didn't turn to actual flames.

"What?" Leisurely leaning back in her chair Jasmine lets the question hang in the air. "I was just going to say you haven't seen fine until you've seen Luke with his shirt off. Sweat glistening over every inch of his hard chest and ripped abs. He's a work of art," she says, and I gasp. I can't believe how she just describe Luke, and if I didn't know better, I would swear she came too. "Now who's curious?" she asks. The sassy question is aimed at Amanda, but my hand shoots up.

"Me," I say.

And they all shoot questioning glances my way. Jazz being the boldest of the bunch isn't shy and ask what Amanda and Ian can't. "Why are you curious? You see the damn man every night."

"Simple, I want to know where you saw him with his shirt off."

"In the gym the other day playing basketball. Where did you think?" Jazz asks looking at me like duh and I slink back in my chair.

"Oh."

Exasperated by my repeated questions about Jasmine's disclosure, Luke begrudgingly gives me his side. "Ana, girls come in and out of the gym all day long. We're a bunch of dudes playing pick-up, we don't have groupies. That's saved for the Basketball team."

I'm not jealous, more like curious. If I'm honest, I'm deriving pleasure from watching his discomfort, and it's too much fun to let it so quickly drop.

The remote in my hand, I lay back on the armrest as I leisurely bring my feet up to rest them on Luke's lap, but accidentally I graze Benji's ear in the process. He starts to whimper, so I reach down scratch the crown of his head to quiet him.

"Well, I'm here to tell you there was an audience and they were paying attention. Very close attention. Jazz pretty much counted the ridges on your six pack." I say. And sitting forward I give him a love pat before falling back to my post. Even through the fabric of his shirt I can feel the ridges Jazz so sensually described. I must have seen his abs over a hundred times in the past weeks still touching them never gets old.

"You know if you were going to spend the night talking about my body, you could've stayed here and had your way with the real thing," he says. His eyes are brimming with something naughty, but I ignore his mating call and pick up the remote.

I've gotten all the mileage I can out of that little ditty, so it's time to move on to the main event…TV night. Humming from the foot rub Luke is giving me, I give each channel about one-second to pull me in before moving on. I'm relaxing and after an inauspicious start to the week my mood has made a complete turnaround. I've gotten to okay more quickly than I'd expected. Actually, I'm better than okay, dear I say happy. And; as soon as, the word had left my mouth, I'd known it was a mistake...I don't do happy. Or should I say, happy doesn't do me. Pleased, content, lighthearted, but never happy and if ever I am its always fleeting.

The universe must have my inner thoughts wiretapped because the fear I'd just voiced in my head no more than a second ago comes to fruition. The channel changes and gray eyes are staring back at me from the small screen. Bolting upright, my legs follow suit lifting from where they are so comfortably perched on Luke's lap. Stupefied, I throw them over the edge of the sofa barely missing Benji. Blinking rapidly, I try to focus my eyes on the still of Christian, at the same time keeping my ears open to hear what the studio host has to say. Then my nerves start firing on cylinders when they cut away to a live shot of Christian on the red carpet with a woman.

Happiness goes out the window followed by my good mood, as I watch Christian with the leggy brunette. He has on a black suit, maybe a tux, it doesn't he's gorgeous.

And I try to hold back when Luke launches into a rant about Christian." I don't get it. Yeah, the guy is handsome and rich as hell, but take all that away he's just like the rest-." But I can't suppress it any longer and before I can stop myself, my hand shoots out cutting him off.

"Psst," I say shushing him too. From his sour expression, he's crossed, but I'll deal with him later, I have other priorities.

Christian has his arm draped around the young woman's waist, but it's more like her hip, based on where his hand is resting. It's a sign that they are more than casual acquaintances. His face is buried in her hair, and I can't tell if it's to kiss her ear or whisper in it. Either way I bristle at the sight. They continue down the red carpet; his hand glued to her hip bone, her arm snaking around his waist as they stare at each other adoringly. The correspondent finally identifies the young woman as a Victoria Secret Model, as she gushes about her dress. I didn't bother listening for her name, it no longer held any significance after hearing her occupation and current employer. She was everything I was not. Tall, striking, graceful, the epitome of female beauty. She was his equal, forcing me to admit that they made a handsome couple.

Tossing the word couple around in my head, in no way prepared me for hearing them identified as such. I have to choke back the bile when I hear the words relationship, and a hot new couple being bandied about in reference to the debonair young man and winsome young woman ridiculing me from the screen. I have no recollection of the words immediately preceding relationship or proceeding couple, it all becomes word salad to me. No connecting, verb, preposition, or dangling participle to create a complete, coherent sentence. I didn't need them anyway, I heard the most important words.

Digesting the words, I finally reach some clarity. Christian was eager to sever all ties because he had already moved on to someone else. A vastly improved version. The joke was on me. But if he could move on so could I. Releasing some of my hostility, I manhandle the remote smashing the red button hard before tossing it on the sofa, then I throw myself at Luke.

Straddling him, I peel off my shirt letting it fall seductively from my hand. Dumbfounded and aroused, he stares up at me and leaning down I cup his face with my hands. First, I unmercifully tease at his bottom lip with my teeth, before roughly shove my tongue in his mouth. Pouring all my aggression into this one kiss, I can hear his harsh breathing, as I capture his breath with every stroke of my tongue and each thrust of it to the back of his throat. With his palms flat against the nakedness of the skin on my back, he attempts to push me flush to his body as he revels in the harsh treatment I'm giving his mouth.

Pulling back, with my hands still cupping his face, I close my eyes and rest my forehead against his. My breathing picks up in preparation for the words to leave my mouth. "Make love to me," I whisper.

Luke keeps a hand at the small of my back, instantaneously getting himself into position to push off the sofa with the other hand. As soon as, he's standing he cups my behind, as he deftly steps over a sleeping Benji. Then he untangles my arms from around his neck and forces my locked legs from his waist switching my position to bridal style. Cradling me in his arms, he takes long strides to his bedroom.

Kicking the door back with his bare feet, he ignores the light, music, everything practically hurling me to the bed. I'm forced to grasp a handful of the blanket in an attempt to anchor myself to the mattress to wait for the bouncing to come to a stop. Pulling his t-shirt over his head he discards it to the floor and just as the bouncing ceases he hovers over me. His gaze is dark and brooding when he stares down at me. "Correction. I think you mean fuck. You want me to fuck you," he grunts. And then he lowers his mouth to mine kissing me with the same fervor I kissed him. Giving my bottom lip a final hard nip, he stands back up.

I swallow hard, struggling with the chill in his words. It's so unlike Luke to be so callous to me, but I'm determined to not let it ruin the moment for me. I have to stay focused on the goal. As abhorrent it was, I'd known the money wasn't the tie that binds us, I just didn't want to admit it. This. The fact that he owns me. That he's the only man to have truly me. But by the end of the night this will all have changed.

Biting the insides of my cheeks and fisting the blanket, I watch as Luke quickly dispenses of his pants and reaches for a foil packet. My eyes stay glued to him, but my thoughts wander elsewhere. To Christian, and I become even more resolute. After tonight, I will no longer be his figuratively or literally.

Luke tears into the foil packet as he makes eye contact with me. In his eyes, I search for some sign that he's in there, but they are cold and distant. And right then I want to back out, I'm no longer steadfast in my conviction. Then I hear Luke. "Take off your pants," he says.

My fingers tremble as they find their way inside the waistband of the sweats and my eyes stay locked on his seeking his encouragement. Slowly, I start to bring the elastic waistband down lifting my hip fractionally, to facilitate the removal. When the sweats reach my feet, Luke takes over bringing them the rest of the way tossing them to the floor. Then grabbing me by the ankles he jerks me down and forcibly spreads my legs apart before crawling between them.

Feeling trapped, my adrenaline surges and I sit upright pushing back on his hard muscular chest. "I'm sorry I can't do this," I say as I scramble to get off the bed. The water work has already begun, and I can feel the hot tears streaming down my face. I try to catch my breath as I fight to get off the bed.

As I flail, Luke manages to hook an arm around my waist, holding me tightly to his body. Feeling like a caged animal, I rest a hand on the arm pulling me back from the edge. My head falls against his strong upper arm where I cling to for my survival, as I succumb to the pain and let it all out. Pulling me even tighter to him, he brings his free arm forward, cocooning me.

Enveloping me, he rests his head on mine. "Breathe," he whispers. And he hugs me tighter. "Breathe. I got you." I want to, but the breath gets stuck in my throat as the sob threatens to choke me.

Panting for every breath, I feel the sobs coursing through me and finally they erupt. It's a guttural cry from deep in my gut. Holding on to his arm, for strength the water flows like a river down my cheeks over my lips landing on his skin. Chewing on the drops that can't help but land in my mouth, I go to speak, but the words get garbled.

Alternating between bawling, heaving and hiccups the air can't properly reach my lungs. "I, can't breathe," I say in, a small voice and it's more metaphorical than a literal statement.

Gently moving his head from side to side on top of my head he whispers, "Yes you can. I'm right here." And I grip his arms tighter, as if that was humanly possible, as another wave hits me. It's a constant barrage of achiness, despair, and sadness hitting me one after another until it feels like I'm crying my own watery grave.

Heaving, I tilt my head. My mouth is no longer blocked by his arm. "Make it stop," I say. Calmly I thrash my head from side to side looking for some respite. It's becoming increasingly difficult to stop myself from the free fall. "I don't want to feel this way anymore," I whimper.

Rubbing his hand over my hair, consoling me like I'm fragile and this time I can't dispute the claim. He kisses my hair. "I hate it when you cry," he says. Softly he rests the side of his face on the crown of my head and just holds me rocking back and forth like a small scared child. I could've used this way then been too.

Cloaked in his warmth, with my gut wrenching sobs filling the room we sit. And after some time has passed, the staccato beat of his heart drowns out everything else calming me.

His head lifts so he can rest his chin on the top of my head. "I would do anything to be the panacea that makes this all better for you. But I'm not. It's where I'd gone wrong. I'd known better. Only you can fix you. And the only way that's going to happen is when you're ready to give him up," he says. His voice is steady, but I can hear the break in it when he talks about my longing for another man. "You're going to have to grieve him, but most importantly you'll have to want too."

"Okay," I whimper. Because I don't know what else to say.

"I love you and I'm here. But you have to talk to me and stop trying always to run away from me. What I thought then is still true today. You're worth fighting for, but you have want to be won," he whispers. Then he gives me a peck on the top of my head as he angles his head to get a look at me. "Are you better?"

"I think so," I say. My voice is small.

Satisfied that I'm no longer a flight risk, he loosens his grip on my waist, and with my back to his front he hustles up the bed bringing me with him. His back flush against the headboard, I wrestle to find that perfect spot against his chest. When I'm comfortable, Luke brings what's available of the blanket over us.

"Better," he says, patting me over the blanket.

Sniffling, I curl up to get cozier. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he says. And I hear him sigh in exasperation. "Let me apologize to you for how cold I was earlier. It was premeditated, but I'm afraid I might have taken it too far," he says.

"I don't understand."

"I had my suspicion that you were acting on some outside impulse and, weren't ready for sexual intercourse. I was trying to call your bluff."

"I see. I understand what you were trying to do, but if I'm honest your aloofness did hurt. But please note at the end of the day it's not the reason for my meltdown so don't blame yourself," I say

"Thank you for saying that, I would never want to intentionally hurt you. Baby when we make love, I want it to be when we're both in love. Not one sided, then it is just fucking."

"You were right. I'm such a mess. When I think I'm better, something will trigger the old feelings, and I'm stuck reliving the same horror." I burrow into him, and he grabs some of my hair pulling it back from my face.

"What's his name? The guy, who has a vice grip on your heart keeping every other man out including me."

"Sorry I can't tell you, I've promised to protect his privacy." I feel the tension in his chest from my response.

"At what cost to you are you willing to protect his privacy. Fuck his privacy. He's slowly destroying you. Destroying us. I feel like I'm shadow boxing. Fighting a ghost," he says.

"Funny, you should say that. For so long I created an image of him in my mind that he's failed to live up to by the way. But I'm so confused I no longer know if I'm in love with the man or the vision?"

"Now, I'm more intrigued. It baffles and angers me that he could so easily take advantage of you considering the history you guys have shared," he says.

"Yeah me too," I sigh

I'm stiff when I try to move, and it feels like I'm on a brick wall of muscles. Shifting, I lift off his hard chest, and I snap my head around trying to get acclimated. My forearms are resting on his chest, I blink as I try to get the sleep out. "Did we sleep like this?" I ask as I bring my hand to my mouth covering my yawn.

Smiling at me, Luke brushes the loose strands of hair from my face. "Yes, we did. You fell asleep, and I didn't have the heart to move you. So this is how we stayed," he says.

"It must have been uncomfortable for you. What about Benji?" I ask and upon hearing his name Benji lifts his head from where he's resting at the foot of the bed.

"I think you have your answer. He knew you needed both of us, so he joined us in bed. But before that I called Braeden to take him out for his evening walk. As for me, I'm never uncomfortable with you in my arms," he says, and he gives me a peck on the forehead. But I should get up and take him for his morning walk."

"Do you have to? I want to lay here just a little longer."

"No, we can take all the time you need," he says pulling me back to him. "Maybe you should stay in today."

"No. I can't. I still need to work on the darn, CQ comparison." And I shift to regain my original position my back to his front.

"What's CQ?"

"A project management software. We're doing a comparison and presenting on it tonight."

"Sorry, I can't help you there. Coincidentally, it's something your buddy Christian Grey would be able to help you with," he says.

I flinch at hearing his name and my paranoia takes over. "What do you mean, buddy," I ask trying to stay calm.

"Nothing, you're doing a paper on him right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I was attempting to make a joke, but I guess I failed. By the way, did you learn anything useful last night from that entertainment report? You were pretty lucky to run across that piece; it's my understand that the guy rarely does interviews, and he's never photographed with a woman," he says

Now I feel guilty and stupid for being so paranoid. I wish I could be honest with him, and as I'm thinking of another lie, Benji pounces on me, and I'm happy for the distraction. And as I mess with the coat of hair on his head, Luke calls Braeden from next door for assistance again.

"I can't believe how much I love that dog,' I say.

"I know. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of a mutt?" he asks.

"I don't know, I'll have to check the doggy handbook," I say and I giggle. On the heel of last night, my giggling seems foreign to my ear. Because I can't believe I can laugh.

"I love to hear that sound. So segueing into something heavy, is going to be tough, but we need to discuss last night some more. While you were sleeping, it gave me time to think. And as much as I hate to admit it, I share in the blame for your emotional downfall. I went against my own promise and pushed you too fast. I've enjoyed every moment with you, but I think it's too much too fast. So with that thought it mind, I think we need to evaluate where we are in our relationship and the amount of time we spend together. We need to take a step back."

"So I've finally managed to scare you away, huh?"

Lifting up he grabs me by my shoulders turning me to face him. "Far from it. I want this to last, but by the way we're going, it's going to flame out. I meant what I said last night, you have to want to get over him and I'm not convinced you do. Until you're able to answer that question, we're stuck. I'm not second best material. I'm not a consolation prize and I'm sure as hell, not comfortable. I'm passionate, complex and saddled with my own demons. But when I love I love with every fiber of my being and I require the same level of intensity from my partner," he says and he pauses giving me time to let his words sink in. "There's no room for indifference, it's all in or nothing. And I have to question if you're ready for what I require. If you're not, it's not a bad thing. I'm starting to think we're victim of life and maybe we never stood a chance. Your age, prior relationship, and me falling in love, at first sight, all converging to create the perfect storm instead of a holy union," he says.

"So what did you come up with?" I ask, and I try to keep the edge out of my voice.

"It's simple. We go on dates a couple days out of the week, but no overnight stays. It will give you the space to think about what you or who you want. To find yourself."

"If that's what you want," I say and I run my hand through my hair in exasperation. "I better get up and get ready so we can leave when Benji gets back." I sit up and remove the blanket to put my foot over the edge, but Luke grabs my elbow.

"What did I say about running? We can't have an honest discussion without you..."

"Acting like a child. Is that what you were going to say, Luke?" I sigh. "Right back at you, I can't express my feelings unless you go back to the same tired adage. I'm not acting like a child. My emotions are all over the place. You're right I'm suffocating and right now I just need to be alone." I say, and I jerk my arm from him. Luke is gripping his hair with both hands when I storm out of the room.

Katherine Kavanagh, you have some explaining to do," I say.

"What. What did I do?"

"You didn't tell me Christian had a girlfriend. Let me rephrase that. A Victoria Secret model girlfriend."

"Steele you can't have it both ways. Chastise me when I try to give you any bit of information on the man and do the same when I don't. For your information, this is news to me. I mean Elliot has kept me in the loop, but he never mentioned a girlfriend and certainly not a model."

"Victoria Secret Model, don't forget that," I smirk.

"Okay sorry. Fill me in. How did you find out?"

"Accidentally. Imagine watching TV and all of suddenly being confronted by your ex. And he's with the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. Can you say uncomfortable? Add Luke to the mix and you get awkward."

"Luke. Finally, I have a name. Now that's breaking news," she says.

I mentally chastise myself for letting Luke's name slip. Now that the student reporter has a name she will not let it drop. "Kate. You have to promise not to say anything to Elliot."

"Why. What's the big deal if he has a girlfriend? Ana, he needs to see that you've moved on too."

"Kate, please. It's not that simple."

"It's never been simple with you and Grey. I don't want to talk about him anymore. Tell me about Luke. Now that I have a name, I can take him serious," she says.

"Don't get to use to him. We've reached a pivotal point and I'm not sure where we're going from here."

"So what do you want? From the little you've shared about him, he sounds like a good guy. But I'm going to have to side with Lulu, you don't need to be in a relationship. So this might be a good thing."

"I know," I sigh. "We'll see. Look I need to get going. I have to work on a report for a class coming up soon."

"Alrighty. Love you, Steele. I can't wait to see you. I miss my roomie."

"I miss you too. Bye."

After three hours of steady reading, I have my report committed to memory and I'm as ready as I'm going to get. I shut the laptop and rest my eyes allowing my tired mind to get some rest. Unfortunately when I close them, all I see are gray eyes staring lovingly at someone else. Frustrated, I jump from the bed and decide to get dressed and spend my remaining time before class in the student lounge.

Excited, Amanda holds up her hand. "Good job everyone. Give me five," she says and like the good little soldier we do as she says.

"Now can we get out of here?" Ian says.

When we hit the outside, I get the first taste of life without Luke. Disappointment fills me when I don't see him and Benji waiting for me.

"So Ana what's up with you and Luke? It's been two days and you haven't gone to his place or hung out with him," Amanda says.

"Nothing, we're taking a break," I sigh and I throw my hands in the air. "Who am I kidding, I don't know."

"Let me offer you my two cents." She pauses. "You're different around him. There's an exuberance to you. I know you have an ex, but I think you've got something special with Luke. Maybe you should get out of your own way and let it happen."

"I've tried," I say.

"Stop trying and let it be. Sometimes with relationships you just have to go with it and let it follow its natural progression. The best kind of love happens when we're least expecting it. Sort of like having kids, there's never a good time to have them, but the time is always good when you have them," she says and she picks up her bags. "I'm spending the rest of the week with my girl so you'll have the room to yourself."

"Okay."

"So do you have any plans for the weekend?"

"Not really. Just relaxing. My stepfather is coming on Sunday for a day. He and a few of military buddies are meeting in New York to visit the 911 memorial and he's going to stop by here on his way home."

"Good deal. I'll see you Monday," she says and my phone beeps as soon as the door closes.

Meet us downstairs- Luke

K- Ana

When I walk through the doors, I see my two favorite guys. Luke and Benji waiting for me on the sidewalk. Grinning profusely, I quickly make my way to them and I go to my knees first greeting Benji and after a love fest with him, I stand to face, the most confusing of the pair. This is the first time Luke and I are seeing or speaking since our show down the other morning. Gazing at each other, there's an awkwardness between us that hasn't been there since our first meeting.

Putting his head down, Luke search between us for my hand. "Come. Walk with us," he says.

"Thank you for bringing him by," I say pointing my chin at Benji.

"You're welcome. I got him for you. Full disclosure I used him as a ploy to see you," he says.

"You didn't' have to. You said we would see each other from time to time."

Chuckling he nudges my shoulder with his. "Yes I did, but I wasn't sure considering how we ended things," he says.

Ours fingers find that now comfortable space and entwine with each other, and lazily my head falls against his shoulder, or as close to it as I can get, considering the height difference. With Benji leading the way, in stillness we take tentative steps as we weave in and out of rushing students on their way to evening lecture as we make our way through campus. If the Aliens landed now, from their vantage point, we would look like the perfect example of a well-adjusted human couple. When in reality, it's the complete opposite; we are a couple at a crossroad, as we search for the elusive happily ever after. Forced to come to terms that their trajectories may differ.

That's why the walk has morphed into something else, allowing us to reach the conclusion together under a cloak of warmth, appreciation, and love. Our constant bickering was made palatable and maybe even exciting because in the back of our minds we always knew we would find a way to make-up. Perhaps, we took for granted, that it was our destiny to play the game of fight and make-up until our time at Harvard was done. Come to think of it, we never talked about a relationship beyond Harvard. Sure we talked around it, but to it. Maybe that's the signs we've ignored.

About a mile into the walk, we end up in front of Luke's Cherokee, and he tugs at my arm pinning it in one smooth move behind my back as he shoves me against the door. Bending down, he runs the tip of his tongue along the seam of my lips enticing them open where he slides his tongue into my mouth. As our tongues dance that familiar dance, an unfamiliar cloud hovers over us. The kiss has a finality to it, the merry go around has to come to a stop and it's time for us go get off.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too," I say softly.

Moving his head up slightly to rest his forehead against mine, Luke tries to control his breathing but he can't seem to find the right rhythm. Or is it my breathing that's off? "This is goodbye isn't it?" he whisper. We both know its rhetorical question, but I answer it anyway leaving no doubt.

Tears beckon, and I swallow hard to lose the lump at the bottom of my throat. "Yes," I whisper. It's finally out. I said it. A check by another failed relationship.

His head pressed into mine, we remain stalk still. Cars are driving too fast for the speed limit. Students are giving us quick glances pretending not to gawk as they make their way to their destination. Benji pants for attention, until his animal instincts kick, in and he does what he has to do on his own. All snippets of life being lived, but this moment eclipses it all. Even as the cold metal of the car door presses into a piece of my exposed flesh, I can't move.

Incrementally, he lifts his head and I can feel him slipping away. I close my eyes to sear the moment in my memory bank before the bond is broken. I won't create a box, it's not necessary. This will stay with me always. It's pure in its honesty; we've unraveled the truth without words.

He finds my hand. "Come," he says. "I'll walk you back to the dorm." A subtle hint to the shift in the dynamics of our relationship, our fingers do not automatically lock together. They barely touch, he has to grasp my fingertips to catch hold. The resulting connection is tentative, cold and limp.

I take a seat in the standard-issue desk chair to ponder what just happened and how I'm supposed to feel. With Jose and Christian, I didn't have to wonder the emotions were swift and gut wrenching. I was madly in love with Christian and thought of him as the love of my life. Jose was a placeholder, whose true value was in the friendship we'd cultivated. With Luke I'm ambivalent, I don't feel much of anything. And for someone who thrives on the extremes on the emotion barometer, falling in the middle is odd. I'm not a psychologist so I don't know what it means, what it says about our relationship. But Luke must have known because he alluded to it the other night or was it the next morning? It's all a blur. But it's over now.

The other sad truth, Luke had touched on it too, and I guess I'd had always known it was at the root of my problem. Not that I can't, but I don't want to let Christian go.

"This is so much fun," Jasmine yells to the top of her voice as she knocks back another shot. Slamming the small glass down to the bar, she rests her hands on my knees and gets directly in my face. "I'm so glad you came out with us," she says.

I take a drag on the straw resting in my pale pink concoction and I roll my eyes at her. "As if I had a choice," I say.

"Come on, Ana don't be like that. This is the first time you've been to a bar with us-" The bartender interrupts her to give her a drink sent over by a suitor. Taking the drink, she leans back to give him a message to pass on to the hopeful frat boy. "Tell him thank you, but I'm with my girls," she says. "Sorry about that, now where were we? Oh yeah, I'm glad you're out with us. I'm sorry about Luke. But I'm happy that you have more time for us," Jasmine says.

"I second that," Amanda says as she clinks her class to each of ours before tossing her shot back.

"You guys are going to make cry. But thank you. It has been fun; you have made the transition with Luke easy" I say.

"Are you sure? You've been quiet about things, so how are you really doing?" Amanda asks.

"This isn't the best place for a heart to heart," I say swiveling on the stool to make my point.

"I know but humor us," Amanda says.

"Look, don't underestimate a bar. It's the best place for therapy," Jasmine says holding up her glass for effect.

"I'm doing better than I expected. For the first time in years, it's just me. I don't have to think about navigating a relationship and it's freeing." I say, and I set my drink on the bar. Standing, I take a few steps to insert myself in the middle of the two and I bring my arms around my Harvard girls, as I've begun to call them. "I can just hang with my girls," I say.

We take a break in the drinking to hit the dance floor. Like at WSU, Amanda, Jazz and I dance with each other instead of other people. The girls are fun, and can shake their tail feathers but being with them doesn't compare to the fun Kate, and I have. Kate is the best with girl on girl dancing and I'm her very willing disciple.

My bladder is overly full so in desperate need of the restroom; I tap on Amanda's shoulder. "I gotta pee," I whisper. As I start to walk off the dance floor, I see my two friends trailing behind me.

We've quickly become a stereotype and the punchline to a stale old joke how many women it takes to use the restroom. Giggling to myself and too busy shaking my head I'm not paying attention to where I'm going and bump into a familiar hard body with a familiar scent. It's Luke and to my horror he's with Morgan who upon seeing me virtually glues herself to him.

For the first time since our separation, I get a strong feeling, and it would have to be jealousy. The ugliest of all the emotions, but at least it's something. My lack of emotion had me second guessing our relationship. From my experience, it's best to feel something than nothing at all.

We are cordial keeping our conversation to safe territory, not venturing beyond how are you and talks of Benji. It's Morgan that usurps the meeting, going out of her way to poke to a finger in my eye cozying up to Luke. For his part, Luke has the decency to show restraint, no outward display of affection despite Morgan constantly reaching for his hand at every turn. However, it's when they go to leave that she finally gets her chance to exact her revenge on me.

Intentionally, invading my personal space instead of walking around me, Morgan leans in so only I can hear her taunting words. "You didn't tear it into enough pieces," she whispers.

After the run-in with Luke and Morgan, the night was pretty much ruined, so we decide to bring the party back to the dorm. And with it all he accouterments that go with a party, alcohol, fizzy water and chips. We swap our going out clothing for comfy of pajamas and fuzzy socks, and then the party starts jumping.

As it often happens when a group of girls get together and drinking is involved the conversation eventually goes to sex. And the raunchier, the better. And on the raunchy meter, we've reached raunchier.

"La, La, La." I click my tongue to the roof of my mouth simultaneously covering my ears to block out the X-rated words "Stop, my virginal ears can't hear this," I say

Fueled by alcohol both women hysterically laugh and at the same time slap my hands down. "Sorry, baby girl that boat has already sailed." They say in unison like they'd rehearsed the words and it only makes them laugh harder.

"Let's be clear, I've never had anal sex," I say trying to sound affronted. I'll never admit to them that I'm intrigued by the sex act and that I did get turned on when Luke probed there with his finger.

Laughing to almost tears, Jasmine hiccups her way through her sentence. "You don't know what you're missing," she says. I think.

"Ana. You know guys are no longer my thing, but even I liked in the ass. Despite what people say, anal sex can be enjoyable. But it depends on the guy. The wrong guy can ruin it for you for life. Now, the right one will make you beg for it," Amanda says.

"Wait a minute you guys are sending mixed messages. One breath telling me not to sleep with him, yet you want to wax hair from every inch of my body that does not include my head. You've coerced me into wearing sexy underwear you've bought for me. Now you want to pamper me like I'm getting ready for a pageant," I smirk.

"No wonder your love life is so fucked up you don't know how to play the game. It's not about him. It's about you. You've worked so hard for so long to look like a boy; you've forgotten how to attract one-"

"Gee Jazz thanks. Tell me what you really think," I say interrupting her.

"Don't think about her Ana," Amanda says stepping in. "What she was trying to say. You should embrace your beauty. It's who you are. Denying it is to deny who you are. And it is a beauty as defined by you, not the outside world. Once you've appreciated the whole of who you are, the more likely you are to attract the right person for you. The men in your life, have represented fragments of who you are that's why you have the quick attraction without the staying power. When you find you, the pieces will fit. Going out with Chad doesn't have to mean anything. It's about discovery, getting you one step closer to your forever. You know forever doesn't have to include another person, it could be about you finding happiness with who you are. Going on a date with someone shouldn't have an agenda. It should be organic," Amanda says

"Fuck that was deep and it sure as hell wasn't what I was going to say. But it works for me," Jazz says, and Amanda walks by slapping her on the shoulder. "Ouch," Jazz says. And like kids they start the bantering.

"Ahem," I clear my throat. "Whohoo over here. Can you two stop with the manufactured fighting and help me?" I say. Once I wrangle them, they take care of me pretty quickly.

"This dress looks fabulous on you. I can't believe you hide this body behind jeans and t-shirts. And those legs. Damn girl. You run for these legs show them off," Jazz says.

"I don't run for my legs. I run for my health and relaxation," I say

"Yeah, yeah whatever," she says fanning me off. "The gams are great take a compliment. By the way in this period of discovery would you considering going out with Ian?" Jazz asks.

"Hell no," Amanda say before I can open my mouth. "That would be a disaster on so many levels."

It's been about two weeks since the breakup with Luke, and finally I let Jazz and Amanda convince me to go on a date. Chad some random guy, we met at a party over a week ago drew the short straw.

So here I am with Chad Brinton, the senator's son. And by the elegance of the restaurant I can tell two things, he's rich and formal. Chad is charming, and not bad on the eyes, but talking to him is like talking to a cardboard cutout. And I don't' know if it's because I've evolved in the past two weeks, but he's not holding interest. I can't stop thinking about a certain someone else.

And just when I'm about to put my focus on Chad, I hear the song, I've gone out of my way not to hear. Even taking the unbelievable step of deleting it from my playlist. Closing my eyes, I listen as Sara McLaughlin's "Angel", consumes the quiet the room and me. By the time, the song ends I know for sure who I want, and it's not here.

The feeling is unequivocal and wiping my mouth with the white napkin I hurriedly throw it to the table. "Chad, thank you, but I need to get going," I say and dash out before he can say anything.

Outside the air is fresh and cathartic, and its help brings to solidify my feelings. On my phone, I see the time, and I hope it's not too late to call. Most importantly, I hope he picks up my call.

Breathing a sigh of relief. "Hello," I say and I hold breath waiting for his reaction.

As the silence looms between us, I hear Ed Shearing's, "Thinking out loud," In the background. Its amazes me how music can say what we can't. Knowing his taste in music, it's an odd selection. Still I take in the words as I patiently wait.

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in

love in mysterious ways

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day.

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.. Send me a quick review