Warning: This story is rated M for language and lemons and instances of sexual abuse.
Disclaimer: Twilight is the creation of Stephenie Meyer, I just amp up the angst and throw in some lemons...rated M for just that reason. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Thank you so much for sticking with this story during the very long drought. I really do have some of the most understanding and loving readers. I promise that the chapters will be coming more often as I get back into the flow after a crazy summer. There is some long-awaited poetry in here, so I hope you enjoy that. Thanks as always to my beta and bestie ACullenWannabe, for getting this back to me in an hour so I could post tonight, and my new beta mizzdee who has taken on some of my other stories so ACW wouldn't get overwhelmed by everything as she's working on her own writing. Much love to the twitter nation who has kept me sane and helped with all my writing as the WC's never seemed to end! Love you ladies.
EPOV
Finals had begun, which meant that within a week the semester would be over and everyone would be heading off to their various break plans…except me. Alice, Jasper and Rosalie would be going to the Hale's as Jasper had spent Thanksgiving with us. Bella and Emmett would be going home to Phoenix, and even my parents were going on a cruise on the 27th, leaving me home alone with Fitz. That was a request Bella had made since her mom was allergic to cats and it was either that or a month at the vets, which neither one of us wanted, so he was chilling with me in my big empty house.
Bella would be coming back a few weeks early to start trial prep, but I knew she was starting to get edgier about it. That Paul asshole had started popping up in completely legitimate, but highly coincidental places, so we were tending to stick close to Bella again as it had come out that he was Jake's coke dealer, among other things. I wasn't about to let his drug-induced rage at being kicked off the Peace Officers be directed at my girl.
There had been a scare with Bella right before finals when something, a thing I still couldn't get her to talk about, had freaked her out to the point where she ran off, and it took us hours to find her. That had been rough for me. When I got her home, I made her promise never to do anything like that again, and that when something frightened her, she should run to me, not from everything.
The fact that her family still didn't know what had happened worried me for her trip home, but she told me that she was better prepared for it, that she had discussed it with her support group and with Dr. G and she was ready to face it. It didn't hurt that after the trial she'd be working as my mom's assistant so that she'd be making her own money, that way if Charlie cut her off again, she'd be able to provide for herself.
I'd been spending the week helping Bella study for her Bio final. After that, she had her poetry reading, while I was going to my last final this afternoon. The night of Bella's poetry final, she was going with me to the Medical Honor Society Dinner, so Alice would be coming over to help her get ready.
Her poems were something she was keeping pretty close to her chest, but I was sure that she'd show them to me when she was ready. She always did.
I hustled through my final and then went to the local sports bar to get wings and potato skins for us to eat while we studied. I walked in the door to see Bella packing. She cracked me up, packing one for her trip home, and a second bag for her stay with us, but I wasn't about to question it…after all, I was the guy who packed his porn better than his clothes.
When Bella noticed that I was home, she went into the kitchen and grabbed a few drinks before we settled in to eat and then study. I didn't see the need to continue on with these study sessions as she knew the information as well as I did, but it was something she insisted on, and I wasn't about to deny her my help. Hell, maybe it was one thing she felt control over when everything else was about to be taken out of her control, and if that was the case, then we'd cram until she told me to stop.
BPOV
My biology final was behind me and my bags were packed…sort of, but the biggest problem still lay ahead as tomorrow I had my poetry final reading and then Edward's party. I still hadn't gotten a dress and Alice was coming to get me in a little while. Edward was shopping for Christmas, which we both decided we would celebrate after I got back from Phoenix.
"Bella?" I looked up to see Alice staring at me where I sat in front of my suitcase.
"Sorry, I was daydreaming…you ready to go shopping?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew the stupidity of that question. "Never mind, let's just go."
"You aren't excited to be going to the party? I went last year; it's all polite conversation and good food, nothing too bad."
"It isn't that, I just know there are people who will have known Jake there. Paul might be there."
Alice walked over and held me by my shoulders. "Bella, nothing bad will happen to you there."
"You don't know that."
I shook off the feeling of dread I got whenever I think about the day I ran away after Jake called my cellphone. I had changed the number after I was released from the hospital, so the fact that he got it from someone else was disturbing. I still felt bad for how I worried everyone, but in that moment, I needed to be somewhere where no one could find me. Sighing, I got up and grabbed my purse, walking with Alice out to her car. Within twenty minutes we were outside of Macy's and Alice was pulling me over to the formalwear department.
I wasn't going to fight her as I was pushed into the dressing room, waiting for her to begin handing me what she deemed as acceptable. For the next hour Alice watched as I paraded out in a rainbow of dresses that I didn't like. I knew she was getting annoyed with my blatant refusal of some of them, but if I was going to be self-conscious, I wanted to be comfortable in the dress I was wearing. She had practically given me every dress in my size when she got frustrated and told me we'd try another store. I wasn't sure we'd find anything, but I knew that I had to play nice because the night was important to Edward.
Pulling into Nordstrom, I wondered if she'd let me do some other shopping first, but Alice being Alice, brought me straight to the center of the myriad of dress racks and told me to find some that I liked. I knew she was trying to be good, but her patience seemed to be thin today, and I couldn't figure out why.
I picked out a few dresses in black and then a few more in darker, jewel toned colors, all with a less restricting fit than the ones I'd been given earlier. Walking into the dressing room wasn't as bad this time. The first few dresses still didn't make me want to leave the dressing room, but when I tried on the blue asymmetrical dress I almost died right there. It wasn't tight but managed to hold the girls in, only my left shoulder was covered, so it still felt young and flirty, and it was full-length, so I felt like it was formal enough for the event. Walking out of the dressing room, Alice looked up from her book and ran to me.
"It's perfect! How do you like it?"
"I love it. But do you think it's right for the event?" Alice had gone the year before, so her opinion mattered a lot here.
"Absolutely, now please go change so we can accessorize." The spring was back in Alice's step as we headed over to the shoe department and found a nice pair of gold heels and then continued with long dangling antique looking earrings and two large bangles.
Once those purchases were made, I asked Alice to help me get Edward a Christmas present. She shook her head at the fact that we weren't doing our exchange until after break to give us a few weeks to shop. "Bella, you could buy him a box of rocks and he'd lay them out on a shelf in his room."
I thought about what she said and then remembered an errant thought that had crossed my mind and smiled as I found my answer.
Alice dropped me off and I hid my clothes for tomorrow in the closet, determined to finish my packing tonight.
Within the next two hours, my bag for Edward's parents was packed and I was finishing up with my bag for Phoenix. From there, I cleaned out the fridge, leaving the last of the items for Saturday morning when we left for the airport.
The gentle meow from my room made me smile as my now eleven week old Fitz wandered out of my bedroom. I was going to miss him so much over the break. With me being gone for the three and a half weeks, I was afraid he wouldn't remember me when I got back. Edward had taken to him so much, but I was sure that would end the first time Fitz was able to jump on the bed and interrupt us…if we ever got there. It wasn't like I couldn't hear him jerking off in his bedroom…and the shower.
With that done, I set out to have his present delivered…gotta love , and then went into the kitchen to start dinner.
Later that night, I was lying in Edward's arms as he stroked his hand up and down my back. "Bella, you're happy, right? With me, I mean."
I sat up and looked at him as his eyes scanned the ceiling. "Yes, Edward. I have more reason to worry than you do."
"Bella, don't start that, please."
I sighed and looked down. "Edward, I know you're a guy, believe me, I think I've heard you orgasm more than I have anyone else, ever-"
I saw the look of shock on his face and I blushed, shrugging as I continued. "Sorry, babe, thin walls. But anyway, I wanted to tell you that I think I'm getting closer. Now I have no idea what the trial will do to any of this. But there's a light at the end of this. I'm not terrified of the idea of sex like I used to be."
Edward smiled and kissed my temple. "That's good. And believe me, you let me know when you're ready and I'll show you how good it can be."
"I don't doubt it."
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I woke up the next morning and got out of bed feeling weird about my final. My class had 25 students and we were each being given 7 minutes to read, which meant I had to sit through three hours of poetry.
Getting into the shower, I knew Alice would want my hair to be as dirty as it could be so the updo would hold. Throwing on jeans and a t-shirt, I grabbed my notebook and my bag and ran out the door.
Driving to the English building, I went up to the classroom and took my seat in the circle. As the rest of my classmates trickled in, we all looked around waiting for this to start. Not many of my classmates were writers, but were taking this class to fill the Lit Majors requirement for creative writing, so we were all a little nervous to be reading our final three poems. Just then, Erin came in and started the final. For two hours I fidgeted while others read, until it was my turn to go. Taking a deep breath, I walked to the podium at the front of the circle and sat my notebook down on it. I turned to the page with the first poem on it and took one last breath before I began.
How does he know?
What does he see?
From the first time I saw him
He was my everything.
With his fragile cries for help
And no ability to walk
Yet he bounded into my life
Curling up inside my heart.
His every meow
Makes me feel wanted
His every step
Now gives me hope
If he could fight
the odds against him
Then who am I
to sit and mope?
We were fated to each other
From the very start
Two peas in a broken pod
The furry son who holds my heart.
There are a few chuckles and a round of applause as my ode to Fitz eases me into my reading. Finding the next poem, I look up and then continue into the darker territory.
I'm supposed to be quiet
But I scream in my sleep
I'm supposed to be good
But I caused this pain
I'm supposed to be happy
But tears stain my face
I'm supposed to go home
But I can't find the place
I don't fit in the box
They've devised for me
I'll never be the daughter
They wish I would be
So I suffer in the knowledge
That I'm not chipper enough
And I'll be forced to face it
To see how I hold up
My pain is inconvenient
The backstory unknown
The angst is too difficult
To put up with at home
Brush it under the rug
Sweep it out the back door
Ugliness is unwanted
But it's all that I know
Will I still be their girl
When they're forced to face facts
I wasn't strong enough
To fend off his might
I made the wrong choice
I was stupid and young
Now the image is shattered
Their sweet angel is gone
There is another light round of applause and some somber looks as I steel myself for the final poem, the closest I will come to discussing anything related to Jake and the trial, sits open in front of me.
Strength…
Fighting the memories you can't turn off.
Pulling yourself out of bed when all you want is to sleep.
Thinking of before and feeling hope, not despair.
Finding the courage to keep going.
Courage…
Walking into a room where everyone knows.
Looking into his eyes when he sits before you.
Telling those closest what you've been through.
Giving love a chance again.
Love…
Arms that carry me and hands that soothe.
Lips that whisper oaths and kiss away tears.
The one who doesn't need words to know me.
But when he speaks, honesty is the result.
Honesty…
The harsh words that you need but don't want.
The look in his eyes when he talks to me.
An opinion of a friend who never backs down.
The way I speak as the truth comes out.
Truth…
The thing I live with, but so few know.
An abstract term, so hard to find.
Details they do not want to hear.
What must come out to set me free.
The room was quiet, except for the polite clapping. I don't know if I freaked them out, or if they were impressed, but there wasn't any chatter so I took the opportunity to sit down and be good. The rest of the time passed quickly, and soon I was picking up Alice. Edward was going to be around, as I refused to kick him out of our dorm, so he simply hung out in his room while we were still running around the apartment.
Finally, Alice had me secured in my desk chair, my hair in rollers and my makeup on. As she started to pin my hair up into a slightly messy French twist, I looked into the mirror and for the first time in a while I saw my old self. I was sassy and excited about tonight, something I wasn't sure I would have been a few weeks ago, but I knew that Edward was worth it and that I'd be safe in a room filled with teachers and alumni.
That steadied my nerves as I slipped on my dress, jewelry and shoes and took the clutch that Alice had filled for me as she scurried out of the apartment. Edward knocked on the door as I went to open it and I smiled, always the gentleman.
Pulling it open, I saw his eyes bulge a little as he looked me up and down. We'd plateaued recently in our intimacy, but I planned on making sure he knew how things had changed for me. I finally felt ready. Paul and his creeping and Jake's idle threats from his jail cell weren't going to keep me from living, especially when someone as wonderful, and fuckhot in a suit as Edward looked, was in my life.
We headed out to the car, Edward driving over to the Alumni House where the party was being held. When we got out, I waited for Edward to give the keys to the valet they had there for the evening and then took his hand.
"You look spectacular, Bella."
"You look pretty amazing yourself, Edward." I smiled and he squeezed my hand a little tighter as we walked in and checked our coats. It all seemed a little overdone for a college society, but I guess the doctors that were hosting it wanted it to feel important.
We walked around as Edward made small talk with some of his classmates. The people we spoke to were polite and all included me in the conversation, even if I wasn't always sure what it was they were talking about.
Soon they called us into the dining room where the food was about to be served. Edward and I took our seats at one of the round tables and began eating the delicious meal. Conversation continued as one of the guys across the table broke into the conversation.
"Hey, you're Bella Swan. I knew I remembered you from somewhere."
Edward bristled next to me as he took my hand and leveled a glare at him. "Watch it."
But the guy didn't seem upset as he shook off the veiled threat. "Yeah…you student taught for my lit class a few weeks ago. I knew you looked familiar, but when you mentioned your major, it all clicked. You did a great job."
I squeezed Edward's hand as I smiled at the idea of being recognized for something else for once. "Thanks, it was a little daunting, but it was a great class to teach."
Dinner continued on and as the music started, some of the couples got up to dance. I was more than a little surprised when Edward offered me his hand, but I took it willingly. Walking with him to the dance floor, he pulled me to him and I melted into his body. It felt so right to be with him, and I wanted him to know it.
"Are you having a good time?"
"Of course, you're here." I smiled up at him and his blinding smile dazzled me again. "Edward, I wanted to talk to you about something that is probably highly inappropriate considering we have to stay through dessert, but…I'm ready."
Edward's brow furrowed, as I knew it would, his mind working to understand what I had meant. "You're ready…ready to, ready?"
I nodded and his eyes were wide again. "I'm not saying we have to rush off, but before you try and tell me it's a reaction to the trial, I wanted you to know that I felt that way. I'm ready to really feel what it's like to be loved. Because I know you do."
Edward's face glowed as he kissed me. "God, I wish you weren't getting on a plane tomorrow, because I'd love a few more days with you."
I sighed, wishing I could stay with him, but knowing I had to go home and face my parents. "I have to go home, but I promise, I'll be back by January 9th, that's not that long…three weeks."
"It'll be the longest three weeks of my life."
We sat back down for dessert and by 10:30 we were in the elevator on our way to our dorm room.
EPOV
Entering the apartment, I wanted nothing more than to show Bella just how proud I was of her, and for once, I wasn't afraid of her reaction. Walking into her bedroom with her, I kicked off my shoes and undid my tie as she sat down to slip her shoes off and put them in her closet. Her jewelry followed at the same time as my coat and when she was ready, I stood behind her. "Do you need me to unzip it for you?"
"Yes, please." She breathed out, lifting her arm to reveal the one thing standing between us.
The teeth clicked down as our breathing increased and I felt like I might explode from the anticipation. Finally, the dress was undone and Bella held it to her as she turned to face me. Our eyes met and her hand loosened its grip on the dress allowing it to fall off her left shoulder and pooled at her feet. I unbuttoned my shirt as she hung up the gown, showing me what she said earlier in the evening was true, I was the one she wanted and she trusted me enough to let me see her naked again.
But this wasn't like the last time.
Last time, it had been out of necessity. She was too bruised and battered to change, so I played doctor and helped her with the professional demeanor I would someday need to use with my patients…now I was dreaming of "playing doctor" with her. That would have to come later, though.
I dropped my pants, and now we were both in our underwear and I was ready to earn the trust she put in me. She'd made a man out of the drunken college student I had been and that man was going to worship her.
Walking over to her, leading her to the bed and sat down as she did the same. I watched as she scooted up the bed. I crawled up to follow her, hooking my fingers into the sides of her underwear and holding her eyes with mine as I pulled them down. Dropping them off the side of the bed, Bella's legs fell open slightly and I took a deep breath. This was it.
Hovering over her, I kissed her sexy, pink lips, allowing my tongue to massage hers before I broke the kiss, trailing pecks down her neck and collarbone. Making my way to the valley between her breasts, I licked up her left peak and took her nipple into my mouth, sucking and licking, all while trying to be gentle with her, knowing that one false move could bring back a tidal wave of terrifying memories.
Using my nose to tickle down her left breast and up her right, I repeated my attention as a stuttered breath shook her chest. My eyes flashed up to hers and I was pleased to see the smile on her lips and the serene look on her face as she lie there with her eyes closed. Once again, I continued my journey south, peppering kisses down to her belly button and then travelling to her hip, placing an open-mouth kiss on her Eeyore tattoo, remembering the last time I saw him.
With one last check on her, I settled between Bella's legs and blew a breath against her sensitive flesh. She responded by shifting before me and I smiled as I moved forward, placing one long lick along her center. The buck of her hips made me proud as I became a little bolder with my actions. My tongue moved more deliberately as my lips latched onto her clit. Sliding my fingers along her opening, I dipped inside her and she moaned the most delicious sound I'd ever heard.
Adjusting my position, I worked with both my fingers and my mouth, taking in each reaction of Bella's and using it to tease her further. As she reached down and grabbed my hair, holding me in place, I went to work more vigorously, desperate to bring her pleasure.
With one more buck and a long keening noise, Bella's legs clamped around my head, holding me in place.
As I rested on her thigh for a moment, I heard a soft sniffle, instantly making me alert. "Bella?"
"I'm fine."
I looked up and saw that she was crying. Guilt and fear overtook me as I realized that something I'd done had upset her and I hadn't even noticed. "Bella, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?"
Her head shook rapidly as she reached for me. "Edward, don't you dare think that there's something wrong here…that's the first time I've felt anything like that in a long time."
"Then why are you crying?" I hated seeing her upset for any reason, especially one I wasn't following.
"Because I've wasted so much time, and now I know what I've been looking for, and you're right here with me."
"We have plenty of time for that, I'm not going anywhere for a long time."
Bella's hand ghosted down my waist and I hissed as her fingers came in contact with my erection.
"Bella…"
"Please. It's okay." I nodded my consent and she gripped it a little tighter.
Her hand began to move and I had to stop my inner 13 year old boy from freaking out about the fact that Bella was finally touching me. Bella nuzzled into my side as she gripped me in a firmer hold and began stroking my cock. I know it shouldn't be so different to how I got off the last few months, but her hand gliding down the shaft, her thumb sliding up to catch some of the pre-cum to use as lubrication, made it better, made it sexier.
She continued to work me as she let out little sighs and whispered my name, almost as if she was getting worked up again just seeing me start to unravel. As she increased her pace I was feeling the buildup and part of me wanted to hold out a little so I wouldn't cum that quickly, but the other part of me wanted to show her the effect she had on me.
With all my inner musing I didn't notice her shift slightly, brushing her hand along my shoulder and neck as she kissed my chest. The change in sensations sent me over the edge, shuddering and moaning her name.
I was still lying there when Bella leaned over me and grabbed something from her nightstand. Looking up, she had a pack of Wet Ones. I chuckled and took one as she did the same, cleaning ourselves up and then snuggling back together, both of us passing out quickly.
I woke up the next morning and could smell the bacon cooking, which surprised me because I didn't know we had any more food in there. I grabbed my boxers and stumbled into the kitchen to see Bella buzzing around as she finished our breakfast. She turned and smiled at me, her eyes trailing up and down my body. "Go pick-up your suit that way it can be dry cleaned while we're at home and I'll finish the eggs. Then we can get everything in the car and Fitz packed before we head to the airport."
I heard her sigh and walked over to kiss her cheek before picking up the suit. Jumping in for a quick shower, I went back to the kitchen and poured us both some coffee. We sat down to a quiet breakfast, both pondering the coming separation, from the few words we spoke during the meal. When it was done, Bella went to shower while I grabbed our bags and ran to the car, getting the cart from the crap closet for the rest of our things.
After I finished getting everything in the car and coming back to see Bella finishing up with the last minute things like unplugging everything that was still running and tying up the garbage. She got her purse and Fitz, while I got the garbage and locked up, as I was heading to my parents after everyone left.
I parked the car and walked in with Bella, holding her hand as I carried her bag over to the line. We hadn't spoken much about what was about to happen and that worried me a little, but in the end, I knew Bella would probably handle it better than I would. She was so much stronger than I am.
With her ticket in hand and her bag on its way, we walked over to the security line to see my mom standing off in the corner while the gang was on the line for security. Bella and I walked over to them and we stayed together as we weaved through the long line, breaking apart when she had to go up front to walk through the metal detector. With one last kiss, I whispered, "Call me when you land," and then ducked under the rope and watched with my mom as they all went through security. Bella turned back one more time, blowing me a kiss with misty eyes before ducking under Emmett's arm and walking out of view.
My mom didn't say anything until we got to the parking lot. "I have some errands to run, is there anything you need?"
"Can you bring my suit to the cleaners?"
"Sure let's go get it."
We walked to my car and then I handed her the hanger before moving the carrier Fitz was in to the front seat and driving off. It was a quiet ride home, but when I finally pulled up to the house, I unloaded the car and brought Fitz into the living room. His litter box was in the laundry room, so after a quick look around, he found me on the couch and rubbed against my socked feet, cooing his request to be picked up.
With him on my lap, he burrowed into me and let out that mournful cry he does when he's calling Bella and she can't hear him or is at class. Running my hand over his soft fur, I sighed and quietly said, "I know Fitz, I miss her too."